Saturday, 31 December 2011

#200

What kind of deodorant is used by aged intelligence agents?

Old Spies.

#199

When will the Leaning Tower of Pisa come out of the closet? Everyone can see which way it leans.

#198

On which medieval folk song did Lady Gaga base a single?

Marry The Knight

#197

When in Italy, I found that some signs are displayed in a number of languages. Here are a few examples, translated into English.

On a hotel door:
Italian: In case of fire, do not shout, "Fire."
English: In case of fire, do not shout, "Fire."
French: In case of fire, do not shout.

In a train:
Italian: Only pull lever in case of emergency.
English: Only pull lever in case of emergency.
French: Do not pull lever unless there is an emergency.

Monday, 26 December 2011

#196

Which bone disease affects stern people?

Austere-porosis.

#195

I wouldn't say that I'm prone to injury, but I do have a tendoncy to get hurt.

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

#194

Which Roman emperor suffered from epilepsy?

Seizure Caesar.

#193

One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them...


Yes, this is clearly the ringleader.

Saturday, 3 December 2011

#192

Ah, the laundry: the only place where it is still acceptable to discriminate between coloureds and whites.

#191

It's awkward when my friends form love triangles. I always feel like the fourth wheel.

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

#190

What did King Henry VI say after Joan of Arc was executed?

I got 99 problems but a witch ain't one.

Friday, 25 November 2011

#189

Tomorrow I will leave my hometown of Melbourne (in Victoria, in Australia) to spend three weeks in Prato (in Tuscany, in Italy). Oh Italy, Eu-roped me into this.

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

#188

What did the guitar say to the amplifier?

Follow my lead.

#187

If someone is cyan a lot, then they're probably feeling blue.

Thursday, 17 November 2011

#186

What can be seen both at boxing matches and in the adult version of Sesame Street?

Going down for the Count.

#185

Jesus is the Redeemer of all. However, he has not been known to redeem fast food vouchers.

#184

It is a sad truth that those with bound feet cannot bound.

Thursday, 10 November 2011

#183

I'm too nervous to break up with my epileptic girlfriend. I just know that she's going to have a fit.

#182

I love having a blind boyfriend. He doesn't even look at other women.

#181

I was going to make a joke about premature ejaculation, but it was too soon.

#180

I tried to stop shooting up drugs, but my efforts were in vein.

#179

Wi fi fo fum,
I'm leeching off the connection of an Englishman!

#178

What do you call it when the leader of the Vatican gets angry?

Apopelexy.

#177

I'm a fish atheist. I don't believe in the existence of cod.

#176

A: Everyone's talking about this new show about an urban police station! Do you want to watch it?

B: I don't think so. Cob dramas are too corny for my taste.

#175

A: Did you have fun at the Owl Watching Society's camp?

B: Yes, it was a hoot.

#174

A: What's wrong with me? Why can I never pick up?

B: You don't reach the telephone in time?

#173

A: I am shocked! I am flabbergasted! I have never been so surprised in my life! I have a good mind to write them a letter!

B: How are you going to convey all of that in one letter? Will it be the letter 'O'?

#172

A: Are you a horse?

B: Nay.

#171

Have you seen our futuristic toilet collection? We call it "Pees in a Pod".

Monday, 31 October 2011

#170

B: Let me tell you a joke. What happened when the confidence trickster swindled a chef, a wildcat, and a philosopher? They fell for it cook, lion, and thinker.

A: What's going on here? WHAT ARE YOU DOING, B?

B: I'm telling a joke.

A: No! You can't talk first! That's not how it works! I always talk first. A says something, then B replies. You can't change that!

B: It's a new world, A.

A: No! It's against the laws of anonymous dialogue transcription convention!

B: Really? Am I to be punished for this?

A: Yes! Take this statement of indictment and pay the fee printed at the bottom.

B: Okay.

A: And let that be a lesson to you.

B: You know, I think that the way in which you exacted money for me as a penalty for my infringement was acceptable.

A: Where are you heading with this?

B: I mean, what you did was fine.

A: I wonder.

B: What do you wonder?

A: I wonder, is suicide against the laws of anonymous dialogue transcription convention?

#169

A: They say that an army walks on its stomach.

B: I guess that's why it's called the mealitary.

#168

My favourite fruit burger is the Apple Mac.

#167

Which American heavy metal band was named in honour of a deformed nun?

Twisted Sister.

#166

What pastime is popular among both butchers and gay men?

Mincing.

#165

How do drug addicts greet each other?

High there.

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

#164

Do psychics hold the reverse of "too soon" for jokes about a tragic event? I mean, in the time leading up to a disaster, do they eschew jokes about it, rebuking those who do crack jokes about it on the basis that the event is "too soon"?

Monday, 24 October 2011

#163

I don't like square roots. They are both irrational and absurd.

#162

Anti-sexual harrassment slogan: No means no.
Counter-anti-sexual harrassment slogan: By no means does no mean no.

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

#161

A: The doctor has ordered you to take a suppository.

B: Tell him to shove it up his - oh, that's ironic.

Monday, 17 October 2011

#160

After forty years in the profession, the jeweller had become quite jaded.

#159

Why couldn't the frog maintain a relationship?

It was afraid of Kermitment.

Thursday, 13 October 2011

#158

Suicide hotlines would be much more effective if "seize the day" didn't sound so much like "cease the day".

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

#157

Making puns about somewhat but not very famous composers is a very Satie-sfying experience.

#156

Before becoming a successful conqueror, Julius Caesar was a somewhat spineless diplomat. He used to visit countries, only to agree with them. His original catchphrase was: "I came, I saw, I concurred."

#155

A: Did you kill him?

B: I'm not sure that I succeeded, but I had a stab at it.

#154

It was a bad break-up; his last, in fact. He would spend the rest of his life finding Freudian metaphors in children's television.

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

#153

A: Oh no! No! No, this can't be happening!

B: What's wrong?

A: My whole family! They're dead!

B: How?

A: The pilot of their aeroplane made a small mistake, and now they're all gone. GONE!

B: Aeroplane? More like error-plane.

#152

I have developed a simple code, which merely involves appending the letter 't' to the start of every word. For example, rick roll would become trick troll.

Friday, 7 October 2011

#151

I'm constipated and I don't give a shit.

#150

In shark cinema, what is conventionally displayed on the screen to show that the film has ended?

Fin.

Thursday, 6 October 2011

#149

A: So, shall we finalise our agreement?

B: Yes. Let's allow this marine mammal to do it for us.

A: What? How?

B: We need to seal the deal.

A: Forget it. The deal's off.

B: Oh no, you spotted it! I'm sorry, but I could only find a walrus in time. If I find a seal, will... A? Why are you leaving, A?

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

#148

A: I'm not sure whether this spade is any good. What do you think?

B: This spade? I totally dig it.

#147

When the cat's away, the electrons will act like waves and form interference patterns.

#146

If you're a yuppie and you know it, clap your state-of-the-art solar powered synthetic clapping pads.

#145

This laying hen stands out from the rest. It definitely has the eggs factor.

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

#144

Oh, he has a speech impediment? And all along I just thought that he was a really good rapper.

#143

A: So you say that you are filled with fresh vigour and eagerness, and that you have discovered a small country near Australia?

B: Yes indeed! I have found new zeal and New Zealand.

#142

Jugglers commence their act by vomiting. In order to juggle, they must throw it up first.

Monday, 26 September 2011

#141

Which coastal bird used his martial arts skills to gain a Hollywood career?

Steven Seagull.

#140

The butcher loved to meat new people. He would then add them on Facebook and pork them.

#139

"Eggs! Why?" said a bee.

XYZAB

#138

A: You must dress formally.

B: Who's Mally? And why am I dressing for this person?

#137

Fish can't climb trees, but they can scale buildings.

Friday, 23 September 2011

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

#135

In the Wizard of Oz, the Tin Man always adopted a Can-Do attitude.

#134

A: There's a dead bug on my desk.

B: That sounds pretty fly.

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

#133

What is the technical term for using a map and compass to navigate terrain in Asia?

Orient-eering.

#132

A: So you hate Asians and Taylor Swift?

B: Yeah, I guess I just don't like people with narrow eyes.

#131

A: You know that woman who makes bridal outfits? She keeps saying things that indirectly sound as if she wants to cause me some harm.

B: So she who threads veils also veils threats.

#130

I can't believe that you left it switched off. That is simply not on.

#129

You tortured him with the inner thread of a candle? That's horribly wicked!

#128

I am carefully avoiding any discussion regarding the telescope. If someone tries to talk to me about it, I will reply, "No comet."

Friday, 9 September 2011

#127

I enrolled in cooking classes and film classes, but neither panned out as I'd expected.

#126

I expect everyone to line up patiently for the seafood buffet. There's no need to clamour.

#125

What syndrome causes humans to sprout the soft feathers which are usually found on young birds?

Down Syndrome.

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

#124

Anger, pure, unadulterated anger

Coursed through its veins,
Raging within, as it scurried
Over the dog's back,
Searching for a hairless patch that would
Soon be the entry point

Through which it would
Insert its hypostome, and
Consume until it
Keeled over, filled with blood and fury.

#123

A: Did you click on it?

B: No, but I gave it a cursory glance.

Sunday, 4 September 2011

#122

Some ancient legends entertain me, but not all. They're a bit hit and myth.

Saturday, 3 September 2011

#121

Despite its name, cosplay rarely has anything to do with lettuce.

#120

What is the battle anthem of the Chinese navy?

Yellow Submarine.

Sunday, 28 August 2011

#119

Who is responsible for taking calls on behalf of a group?

The ring leader.

#118

Was there really fog this morning? I must have mist it.

Thursday, 25 August 2011

#116

What is the male version of a porcelain ewe?

A ce-ram-ic.

#117

It's so sweet to see people waiting in line. It's so queuete.

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

#115

Case 1

A: I can't believe she's saying things like that. She's so sexist!

B: Well, she's had some bad experiences with men.

A: Oh, I'm so sorry, I had no idea.

Case 2

A: I can't believe he's saying things like that. He's so sexist!

B: Well, he's had some bad experiences with women.

A: That's no excuse! He's a pig!

#114

Ah, you would like to see some examples of our furniture? This way, madam. The stool samples are over here.

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

#113

Dear Adele, if there's a fire starting in your heart, it probably means that you had too much fried food.

Sunday, 21 August 2011

#112

The ant that is traversing my body has reached the final leg of its journey.

#111

A: Honestly, what do people see in their abusive partners?

B: Beats me.

#110

A: Stop throwing eggs at me!

B: You're just sulking because the yolk's on you.

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

#109

What follows a birthday of heavy drinking?

A barfday.

What follows a birthday spent playing in mud?

A bathday.

#108

What creature roams from garden to garden?

A gnomad.

#107

How does a feminist protest in a fancy restaurant?

Candelabra.

#106

Yippee ki yay, Freudian slip!

#105

A: What's an Oedipus complex?

B: Yer mum's an Oedipus complex.

#104

Have you been to the Antarctic? That's where all the cool people go.

Saturday, 13 August 2011

#103

A: It's as silent as a tomb in here.

B: Don't be so cryptic.

#102

In order to maintain a blog with accurate spelling, one must have an i for detal.

#101

Where are coat planes stored?

In coat hangars.

Friday, 12 August 2011

#100

A: I swear, if you make one more pun, I'll break your glasses.

B: If you did that, I would be shattered.

Pause. A splintering sound.

B: I'm shattered.

#99

To unlock the world of music, one only needs the keys.

#98

A: I still can't make up my mind about whether to include Toby.

B: Me neither. I don't know whether we should ask him or not.

A: I can't decide either way.

B: Toby or not Toby, that is the question.

Thursday, 11 August 2011

#97

Our official law enforcing organisation is a small thicket of trees. So, to report a crime, call the copse.

#96

Everything is in order with this speaker system; it's perfectly sound.

#95

Understanding probability matrices is the Markov a fine statistician.

#94

In order to drive public transport, one must be properly trained.

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

#93

What creature can always defeat vampires?

Gorlac.

#92

I was extremely frightened when he pretended to punch me. He feinted and I fainted.

#91

How do dwarves greet prostitutes?

Hi ho.

#90

One moment, it's as playful as a cub, and the next, it's as vicious as a grizzly. This is clearly a bipolar bear.

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

#89

The lack of chairs is absolutely unacceptable. I will not stand for this.

#88

Who made this mess with the blankets and pillows? This is total bedlam.

#87

Chips are for seagulls, and wedges are for wedge-tailed eagles.

Monday, 8 August 2011

#86

I find transvestites very boring. They're such a drag.

Sunday, 7 August 2011

#85

It is a sad fact that many young people feel pressured into taking ice, simply because it is perceived to be cool.

Saturday, 6 August 2011

#84

Let's have a toast to all the parents who are raisin their children to be well bread.

Friday, 5 August 2011

#83

Why does a brief Formula One track damage an electrical system?

It's a short circuit.

Thursday, 4 August 2011

#82

She used to be fond of Italian food, but now she felt that she was pasta it.

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

#81

There was to be an execution that day.

The hooded figure tightened the noose one last time and stepped back. The crowd was as still as the marble in a crypt as he pulled the lever. The trapdoor opened and the body lurched down into the gap.

The silent crowd strained as one to grasp the final gasps of the prisoner. What they heard was a solitary voice from the edge of the square: "How's it hanging?"

There were two executions that day.

#80

In order to gain an integral knowledge of physics, one must learn to string theories together.

#79

I don't think that I would be capable of becoming an astronaut. I just couldn't find space for it in my life.

#78

There are two main types of HIV: A-HIV and B-HIV. Honey can be found inside a B-HIV.

#77

Given its name, AIDS is surprisingly unhelpful.

#76

The greatest challenge faced by gay comedians is keeping a straight face.

Thursday, 28 July 2011

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

#73

Why are bad play rehearsals like messy pool rooms?

Everyone keeps missing their cues.

#72

I work in a vegetable shop. I have an annual celery.

#71

Death by drowning: water way to go.

#70

What Descartes actually said:

I float, zerefore I am. I sink, zerefore I vill not be for much longer.

#69

The fact that you're grabbing onto that German shows that you're losing this argument. You're just clutching at Strauss.

#68

In order to play in the key of B flat, a musician must have A sharp mind.

#67

I had forgotten that you go running - the sight of you jogged my memory.

#66

De fence is de simplest physical defence.

Sunday, 10 July 2011

#65

A: You don't need bread.

B: Sure you don't. You knead dough. Then you get bread.

#64

I find it horribly racist that some shops do not accept Czechs.

#63

I tried to accustom myself to drinking hard liquor, but I struggled to enter into the spirit of things.

#62

Would anyone like more cake? Speak now, or forever hold your piece.

Monday, 4 July 2011

#61

A: Your grammar is appalling.

B: No, my gramma is wonderful. She knits.

#60

Look at that poor plumber. His career is in the toilet and he can't sink any lower.

Thursday, 30 June 2011

#59

Erectile dysfunction: when the only cock-up is the absence thereof.

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

#58

A: I start work as a neurologist this Monday!

B: You must be really psyched.

#57

"Especially given that this is a unisex college, you are reminded of the need for appropriate behaviour in the sleeping quarters. Anyone who needs to blow their nose will use a tissue - there will be no hanky panky in the dormitories."

#56

As university students nervously approach their final exams, there is a degree of uncertainty.

Monday, 27 June 2011

#55

What did the current utter menacingly as it passed through the conductor?

"Resistance is futile."

#54

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art seriously hot.

#53

Never argue with a herbalist. They always have the fennel word.

#52

What kind of dog is most useful when making a presentation?

A pointer.

#51

You're giving me a blunt pencil? I'm afraid I fail to see the point.

Sunday, 26 June 2011

#50

I have a friend called Eden. Her house is pretty cool, but there's an angel with a sword of flame who won't let anyone into the garden.

#49

If the truth hurts, you should have it checked by a dentist.

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

#48

Are you saying that drinking some potion will resolve all my problems? Pardon me, but I find that a bit hard to swallow.

#47

Comfort food: I don't drown my sorrows; I smother them.

#46

Vacuum cleaners suck.

Monday, 20 June 2011

#45

A: You're a plumber who can dance? That's amazing!

B: Yeah, I've done a bit of tap.

Saturday, 18 June 2011

#44

What do you call a rapper who can predict the future?

Seeing Eye Dog.

#43

What do Windows and Macintosh have in common?

They both keep out the rain.

#42

I visited my doctor to ask him why I hear a quacking sound every time I lower my head. He explained that that is the sound a duck makes.

Friday, 17 June 2011

#41

Why are big instructions expressed in powers of ten?

Because they are orders of magnitude.

Thursday, 16 June 2011

#40

I wonder whether Humphrey B Bear is related to Justin B Ber?

#39

We don't like to say "putting makeup on a pop star". We prefer to call it "ad-Justin Bieber".

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

#38

When on kitchen duty, the hunchback of Notre Dame treated potatoes like bells: they were there to be pealed.

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

#37

I've seen many bakery thieves in my time, but I have to say that this one takes the cake.

#36

"That's disgusting! Gah!"

She stormed out of the room.

"Gah."

She scratched her head.

"Gah. Gah."

She inclined her head thoughtfully.

"GA-GA RUM-UM-AH-AH!"

And thus a star was born...

#35

'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have eaten the last slice of cheesecake.

Monday, 6 June 2011

#34

A: Oh no! I'm lactose intolerant!

B: You must be really cheesed off.

I am sorry to say that I actually did this to a friend.

#33

A: I'm thinking about writing a book.

B: What a novel idea!

Sunday, 5 June 2011

#32

Who first used coloured liquids to record text on paper?
The Inkas.

Who repaired their printers?
The Aztechs.

Friday, 3 June 2011

#31

The pressure was on in the casino's restaurant. The steaks were high and the chips were down.

The man rifling through the garbage bins at the back and the confident card player inside had one thing in common: they both had one hand in the bag.

Meanwhile, a job interview was taking place in the back room.
Q: What will you do when the chips are down?
A: Apply the five second rule.

Thursday, 2 June 2011

#30

Making jokes about redheads is very risky, so I have phrased this gingerly.

Tuesday, 31 May 2011

#29

I have news of a recent advancement in seal clubbing technology. The latest clubs are fitted with a button that pops up when the seal is broken.

Monday, 30 May 2011

#28

A friend just told me:

"It's good to see that the penguin in your blog is moving up in the marine world to sitting atop whales, because we already knew that the pen-guin was mightier than the sword-fish."

#27

As I was waiting at the tram stop yesterday, a balloon, buffeted by the wind, found its way into the middle of the road. The light was red. I watched horrified, fascinated, but helpless in its plight.

The lights turned green. As the motors roared, it shifted about half a metre, until it was directly in line with the approaching tyre of a blue Holden sedan. Years from now, I will relive that scene, and wonder whether I could have saved a life by calling out a warning. But hindsight is always 20/20.

The whole world went into slow motion. I saw it before it happened. And, for a brief, happy moment, I thought that the car might be buoyed up and pass over, leaving the balloon unharmed. But both logic and gravity have neither hearts nor sympathy.

Like a male widow spider, it popped and perished.

Friday, 27 May 2011

#26

I went to a tableware magic show. There was a saucerer with a dishy assistant. But they were shattered when the audience realised that it was all a crock.

Thursday, 26 May 2011

#25

A friend argued that my blog logo features an Orca, not a porpoise. (The validity of the porpoise has been brought into contention previously in #13.)

I suggested that it could be a porpoise in an Orca suit. He replied, "I don't think porpoises are capable of Orca-strating such a feat."

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

#24

The coolest scientists are nuclear scientists. They are da bomb.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

#23

Many consider Oscar Wilde to be a homo-geneous.

#22

Yesterday, Monday, must have belonged to the number one. And tomorrow, Wednesday, must belong to the number three. For today is Two's-day.

I wonder whether Rebecca Black would be willing to sing that.

Monday, 23 May 2011

#21

In Soviet Russia, the object of the original sentence performs the verb on you!

#20

Who's the most rapid singer in the world?

HemiDemiSemi Lovato.

Sunday, 22 May 2011

#19

How to make a "that's what she said joke" even when it seems impossible:

1. Wait for someone to say something for which the reply "that's what she said" would not work at all.
2. Say, somewhat halfheartedly, "That's what she said."
3. The person will reply, "That doesn't work." (Or something similar. Usually.)
4. Say, triumphantly, "That's what she said!"

#18

When people discriminate against you for being Swedish, ignore them. Don't let haters bring you down. You were Bjorn this way, baby.

#17

It appears that the world has not ended. I'm disappointed because I had a line ready: "Cut, print, that's a wrap-ture!"

"Jesus wept." - John 11:35

Friday, 20 May 2011

#16

One day when I was at school, I walked into class ten minutes late. I declared, "I'm here: let the party begin."

My friend replied, "You know, as soon as you arrive, we hide all the balloons and streamers and shit."

#15

What kind of music traditionally heralds new management?

Bossa Nova.

#14

I heard some music with a walking bass line accented with rhythms on the upbeat. Now I am ska'd for life.

Thursday, 19 May 2011

#13

My sister presented me with a three-part critique of my logo:

1. That is not a porpoise.
2. That is a killer whale.
3. That penguin is lunch.

#12

A: Would you like a hand?

B: One day, you will say that to an amputee, and you will regret it.

#11

What citrus confectionery can be found at the races during the Spring Carnival?

Orange tarts.

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

#10

A friend just asked me, "What's the porpoise of your blog?"

I have good friends.

#9

For newly ordained clergy, the world is their cloister.

#8

Why do computer programmers feel faint?

Because they're constantly parsing out.

#7

You can't separate girls into two distinct categories of straight and lesbian. There's no clear dyke-otomy.

#6

Playing loudly is not my forte.

#5

Ever wondered how they get that stopped vibrato on the shakuhachi?

Well, have you ever tried playing a woodwind instrument during an earthquake?

#4

Many in the US military are relieved to have fulfilled their mission to kill Osama; for they had bin Laden with a tremendous burden.

#3

Whoever said "a problem shared is a problem halved" did not have an STD.

#2

To survive in the icy wastelands of the Arctic takes great ing-Inuit-y.

#1

Did you mean to ride back to shore on a marine animal?

Yes, of course. I did it on porpoise.