Tuesday, 29 November 2011


What did King Henry VI say after Joan of Arc was executed?

I got 99 problems but a witch ain't one.

Friday, 25 November 2011


Tomorrow I will leave my hometown of Melbourne (in Victoria, in Australia) to spend three weeks in Prato (in Tuscany, in Italy). Oh Italy, Eu-roped me into this.

Tuesday, 22 November 2011


What did the guitar say to the amplifier?

Follow my lead.


If someone is cyan a lot, then they're probably feeling blue.

Thursday, 17 November 2011


What can be seen both at boxing matches and in the adult version of Sesame Street?

Going down for the Count.


Jesus is the Redeemer of all. However, he has not been known to redeem fast food vouchers.


It is a sad truth that those with bound feet cannot bound.

Thursday, 10 November 2011


I'm too nervous to break up with my epileptic girlfriend. I just know that she's going to have a fit.


I love having a blind boyfriend. He doesn't even look at other women.


I was going to make a joke about premature ejaculation, but it was too soon.


I tried to stop shooting up drugs, but my efforts were in vein.


Wi fi fo fum,
I'm leeching off the connection of an Englishman!


What do you call it when the leader of the Vatican gets angry?



I'm a fish atheist. I don't believe in the existence of cod.


A: Everyone's talking about this new show about an urban police station! Do you want to watch it?

B: I don't think so. Cob dramas are too corny for my taste.


A: Did you have fun at the Owl Watching Society's camp?

B: Yes, it was a hoot.


A: What's wrong with me? Why can I never pick up?

B: You don't reach the telephone in time?


A: I am shocked! I am flabbergasted! I have never been so surprised in my life! I have a good mind to write them a letter!

B: How are you going to convey all of that in one letter? Will it be the letter 'O'?


A: Are you a horse?

B: Nay.


Have you seen our futuristic toilet collection? We call it "Pees in a Pod".