Monday, 31 October 2011


B: Let me tell you a joke. What happened when the confidence trickster swindled a chef, a wildcat, and a philosopher? They fell for it cook, lion, and thinker.

A: What's going on here? WHAT ARE YOU DOING, B?

B: I'm telling a joke.

A: No! You can't talk first! That's not how it works! I always talk first. A says something, then B replies. You can't change that!

B: It's a new world, A.

A: No! It's against the laws of anonymous dialogue transcription convention!

B: Really? Am I to be punished for this?

A: Yes! Take this statement of indictment and pay the fee printed at the bottom.

B: Okay.

A: And let that be a lesson to you.

B: You know, I think that the way in which you exacted money for me as a penalty for my infringement was acceptable.

A: Where are you heading with this?

B: I mean, what you did was fine.

A: I wonder.

B: What do you wonder?

A: I wonder, is suicide against the laws of anonymous dialogue transcription convention?


A: They say that an army walks on its stomach.

B: I guess that's why it's called the mealitary.


My favourite fruit burger is the Apple Mac.


Which American heavy metal band was named in honour of a deformed nun?

Twisted Sister.


What pastime is popular among both butchers and gay men?



How do drug addicts greet each other?

High there.

Wednesday, 26 October 2011


Do psychics hold the reverse of "too soon" for jokes about a tragic event? I mean, in the time leading up to a disaster, do they eschew jokes about it, rebuking those who do crack jokes about it on the basis that the event is "too soon"?

Monday, 24 October 2011


I don't like square roots. They are both irrational and absurd.


Anti-sexual harrassment slogan: No means no.
Counter-anti-sexual harrassment slogan: By no means does no mean no.

Tuesday, 18 October 2011


A: The doctor has ordered you to take a suppository.

B: Tell him to shove it up his - oh, that's ironic.

Monday, 17 October 2011


After forty years in the profession, the jeweller had become quite jaded.


Why couldn't the frog maintain a relationship?

It was afraid of Kermitment.

Thursday, 13 October 2011


Suicide hotlines would be much more effective if "seize the day" didn't sound so much like "cease the day".

Wednesday, 12 October 2011


Making puns about somewhat but not very famous composers is a very Satie-sfying experience.


Before becoming a successful conqueror, Julius Caesar was a somewhat spineless diplomat. He used to visit countries, only to agree with them. His original catchphrase was: "I came, I saw, I concurred."


A: Did you kill him?

B: I'm not sure that I succeeded, but I had a stab at it.


It was a bad break-up; his last, in fact. He would spend the rest of his life finding Freudian metaphors in children's television.

Tuesday, 11 October 2011


A: Oh no! No! No, this can't be happening!

B: What's wrong?

A: My whole family! They're dead!

B: How?

A: The pilot of their aeroplane made a small mistake, and now they're all gone. GONE!

B: Aeroplane? More like error-plane.


I have developed a simple code, which merely involves appending the letter 't' to the start of every word. For example, rick roll would become trick troll.

Friday, 7 October 2011


I'm constipated and I don't give a shit.


In shark cinema, what is conventionally displayed on the screen to show that the film has ended?


Thursday, 6 October 2011


A: So, shall we finalise our agreement?

B: Yes. Let's allow this marine mammal to do it for us.

A: What? How?

B: We need to seal the deal.

A: Forget it. The deal's off.

B: Oh no, you spotted it! I'm sorry, but I could only find a walrus in time. If I find a seal, will... A? Why are you leaving, A?

Tuesday, 4 October 2011


A: I'm not sure whether this spade is any good. What do you think?

B: This spade? I totally dig it.


When the cat's away, the electrons will act like waves and form interference patterns.


If you're a yuppie and you know it, clap your state-of-the-art solar powered synthetic clapping pads.


This laying hen stands out from the rest. It definitely has the eggs factor.