Saturday, 31 December 2016

#2027

Why did the grammar school's corporal punishment policy only permit spanking the right buttocks of students?

They had a No Child's Left Behind policy.

Friday, 30 December 2016

#2026

What do you call a channel that carries foul-tasting water?

An acriduct.

Thursday, 29 December 2016

#2025

Schaffy was sick of always being given the part of the stenographer; he felt that he had been type-cast.

Wednesday, 28 December 2016

#2024

Why did the sailor complain in semaphore?

To flag an issue with the ship.

Tuesday, 27 December 2016

#2023

Where do American children learn about the periodic table?

At elementary school.

Monday, 26 December 2016

#2022

Samantha the fashion designer had come under heavy criticism for her pattern inspired by diseased human skin, but she maintained that leper print would be the leading trend of the coming decade.

Sunday, 25 December 2016

#2021

As St Peter's Square filled up for the Christmas day service, the growing crowd rapidly approached critical Mass.

Saturday, 24 December 2016

#2020

In the shipping industry, what vessels are used to handle the flow during a heavy period?

Ocean liners.

Friday, 23 December 2016

#2019

What do you call a collection of rodents hidden in a man's facial hair?

A mouse-stash.

Thursday, 22 December 2016

#2018

What do you call the use of an inappropriate stage object in place of a similar-looking one?

A mala-prop.

Wednesday, 21 December 2016

Tuesday, 20 December 2016

#2016

Indah hadn't enjoyed her previous birthdays, but looking at all the gifts that she had received this year, she decided that she enjoyed the present day.

Monday, 19 December 2016

#2015

What is a duck's favourite kind of cured meat?

Bill tong.

Sunday, 18 December 2016

Saturday, 17 December 2016

#2013

How did the ship's captain feel when his incompetent crew tied him into their knots?

Ropable.

Friday, 16 December 2016

#2012

After being shunned for his new perfume, Hamish felt very cologne-ly.

Thursday, 15 December 2016

#2011

Hugo's new colleagues didn't seem to laugh at jokes about the people who had recommended him for this job; he was dismayed that they never understood his references.

Wednesday, 14 December 2016

#2010

What piece of furniture can be used as a dressing gown in hospital?

A ward-robe.

Tuesday, 13 December 2016

#2009

What do you call the feeling of being refreshed and renewed from listening to the work of a Barbadian pop singer?

Rihanna-gised.

Monday, 12 December 2016

#2008

Why did the recovering addict do the hokey pokey?

To turn himself around.

Sunday, 11 December 2016

#2007

What do you call the feeling of envying someone else's hair products?

Gel-ousy.

Saturday, 10 December 2016

#2006

What do you call a formal dance featuring only Pachelbel's most famous piece?

A canon ball.

Friday, 9 December 2016

#2005

What do you call a head of a school who is friends with a young male member of the royal family?

A prince-i-pal.

Thursday, 8 December 2016

#2004

For the head monk, problems with the temple were his biggest headache.

#2003

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer went to a session where he could have dessert again and again for 24 hours.

A: I don't even understand what you-

B: It was an all-day re-treat.

Tuesday, 6 December 2016

#2002

Dolly was weary of the noisy people on her train; she wished that they would be com-muter.

Monday, 5 December 2016

#2001

Why did the Apostles always fight over music choices for road trips?

They were all off one aux cord.

Sunday, 4 December 2016

#2000

"So he was here just this morning?"

Sherlock's mind was racing. It all added up - the footprints, the open vault, the note in the atlas - they all led to this antique shop. As he glanced at an ornate brass-rimmed mirror that caught his reflection in the dusty sunbeams, he felt that he knew what was coming next. If the thief had tried to dispose of that chess set here, it was all over.

"Yes sir, I'm just in 'ere minding me own business, polishing this oak chair what I got in 'ere yesterday, when this chap runs in, in a great big rush 'e was too, and wants to give me this old chess set, says it's from the sixteenth century. Now a deal's a deal, I says, so I asked 'im if I could inspect it, and ..."

The man kept talking, but Sherlock's attention trailed off. A glimmer of a satisfied smile teased his lips. The suspect had truly given the game away.

Saturday, 3 December 2016

#1999

What did the insect attacks coordinator say when the wasp attack failed?

"Time for Plan Bee."

#1998

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer wanted his blog to be closer to God.

A: And he thought he could achieve this by leaving a gap in the posting schedule?

B: Yes, he thought it would make it more holey.

Thursday, 1 December 2016

#1997

What is the favourite holiday of backstage theatre technicians?

A crews.

Wednesday, 30 November 2016

#1996

What do fly halves drink before a game?

A kicking tea.

#1995

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer resisted an attack by a taxidermist.

A: Okay, that has nothing to do with the missing post. This time you're really not making any-

B: He couldn't be stuffed!

Monday, 28 November 2016

#1994

Employer: So you want to be a comic book character?

Auditionee: Yes I do!

Employer: Well then, you're going to have to strip!

Audtionee: Oh no. My dreams and my dignity.

Sunday, 27 November 2016

#1993

Judy always assumed that whatever people said to her was related to the shoreline; she had a tendency to take things littorally.

Saturday, 26 November 2016

#1992

Celeste's audience was stunned by the precision of her pencil; truly, her sharpening skills were on point.

Friday, 25 November 2016

#1991

What do you call a warning placed on fish eggs?

A caviart.

Thursday, 24 November 2016

#1990

Lorenzo's excessive sweat kept him humble; he was known for his humidity.

Wednesday, 23 November 2016

#1989

What do you call a specially granted right to access a bathroom?

A privy-lege.

Tuesday, 22 November 2016

#1988

What do you call an unenjoyable food tasting experience?

A disgustation.

Monday, 21 November 2016

#1987

What do you call street art that depicts mathematical functions?

Graph-iti.

Sunday, 20 November 2016

#1986

What do you call a group of American soldiers shipwrecked on an island?

US maroons.

Saturday, 19 November 2016

#1985

The tailor never held a grudge; he always felt that it was better to build a britch and get over it.

Friday, 18 November 2016

#1984

People from countries with fiery cuisine often fall sick when travelling abroad, due to the sudden lack of spice in their diet. This is known as blandular fever.

Thursday, 17 November 2016

#1983

What do you call the feeling when insects build you up but then are disappointing?

An ant-iclimax.

Wednesday, 16 November 2016

#1982

The new and improved mop wiped the floor with its competitors.

Tuesday, 15 November 2016

#1981

Why do churches have candles?

For the lit-urgy.

#1980

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was being initiated into a group of women who live together and embroider unusual patterns.

A: What are you-

B: He joined a sew-rarity.

Sunday, 13 November 2016

#1979

What do you call someone who makes people bankrupt for a living?

A broker.

Saturday, 12 November 2016

#1978

What do you call it when you remove the part of someone's brain that recognises plants?

A lobotany.

Friday, 11 November 2016

#1977

What kind of turtle is the most easily frightened?

A terror-pin.

Thursday, 10 November 2016

#1976

What do you call the process of carving words into a tombstone?

Engraving.

Wednesday, 9 November 2016

#1975

What do you call a writer who seeks to impose power?

Author-itarian.

Tuesday, 8 November 2016

#1974

What do you call a band that hits its grooves?

Funk-tional.

Monday, 7 November 2016

#1973

After the Japanese attacks, concerns of sensitivity forced the US government to cancel its plan to rename Pearl Harbour as Bombay.

Sunday, 6 November 2016

#1972

Which politicians primarily focus on policies surrounding jam?

Members of the Conserve-ative party.

Saturday, 5 November 2016

#1971

What did the altar server say to the priest after diluting the communion wine?

"Forgive me father, for I have thinned."

Friday, 4 November 2016

#1970

"So yes, I can organise a private locomotive, just for you, whenever you need it."

Ellan sighed. She was beginning to realise that the readers of her local paper, while apparently well-connected in the public transport industry, had seriously misunderstood what she meant by "seeking a personal trainer".

Thursday, 3 November 2016

#1969

What do you call people who have degrees from a mail delivery service?

Post graduates.

Wednesday, 2 November 2016

#1968

The workers at the unlicensed waxing clinic lived in constant fear of the fuzz.

Tuesday, 1 November 2016

#1967

The presidential candidate, criticised for her sternness, attempted to soften her gaze using a tender-eyes-er.

Monday, 31 October 2016

#1966

What do you call a practical joke involving a baby stroller?

A pramk.

Sunday, 30 October 2016

#1965

Why don't dogs vote?

They're not interested in paw-litics.

#1964

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was being initiated into a group of men who live together and play guitar.

A: What are you-

B: He joined a freternity.

Friday, 28 October 2016

#1963

Why does Gwen Stefani refuse to reciprocate subscriptions on social media?

She ain't no follow-back girl.

Thursday, 27 October 2016

#1962

What chicken dish is permitted by law to be used as currency?

Legal tenders.

Wednesday, 26 October 2016

#1961

What do you call people who used to know a lot about how to be lively?

Ex-perts.

Tuesday, 25 October 2016

#1960

What do you call a device concealed among the gears of a machine?

In-cog-nito.

Monday, 24 October 2016

#1959

What do you call a set meal offered by a roving vendor?

À la cart.

Sunday, 23 October 2016

#1958

During what phase of the lunar cycle do apes attempt to remove their hair?

The waxing gibbons.

Saturday, 22 October 2016

#1957

The chefs wanted to be known for making the best broths - all their lives, they battled for soup-remacy.

Friday, 21 October 2016

#1956

What kind of water sport is most suitable for mourning a death?

Wake-boarding.

Thursday, 20 October 2016

#1955

What do you call it when it takes a long time to acquire relishes and liquid condiments at a barbecue?

A sauce-age.

Wednesday, 19 October 2016

#1954

What's the hardest thing for a shy turtle to do?

Coming out of its shell.

Tuesday, 18 October 2016

Monday, 17 October 2016

#1952

At the sight of the sweets, the dog couldn't stop its tongue from lollying out of its mouth.

Sunday, 16 October 2016

#1951

After only receiving a loose shirt for all her hard work, Heather felt that she'd been given a blousy deal.

Saturday, 15 October 2016

#1950

After venturing onto the rough water, Melanie was stunned by the rapidity of the current.

Friday, 14 October 2016

#1949

What is the shortest amount of time that a person can spend inside a tavern?

An inn-stant.

Thursday, 13 October 2016

#1948

What do you call a model who is tired of turning around for cameras?

Twirled-weary.

Wednesday, 12 October 2016

#1947

Zeus had never intended the devastating forest fires; he thought that he was just lightning the mood.

Tuesday, 11 October 2016

#1946

What did the cyclist say when his road bike struggled to support him on a bumpy mountain track?

"The suspension is killing me."

Monday, 10 October 2016

#1945

In which battle did the Allies and the Axis compete to find the most obese solider?

The Battle of the Bulge.

Sunday, 9 October 2016

#1944

The Allied arrival in Italy made the German troops very Anzio-us.

Saturday, 8 October 2016

#1943

Why was Montgomery's Eighth Army sent to Tripoli?

He couldn't find the other 87.5% of the British troops.

Friday, 7 October 2016

#1942

What kind of German submarine was powered by sheep?

The ewe-boat.

Thursday, 6 October 2016

#1941

Which US seaport known for its knitters was the first to be attacked by Japan?

Purl Harbour.

Wednesday, 5 October 2016

#1940

As the Germans arrived, the young Parisian who had prided himself on remaining unemployed faced his greatest fear: occupation.

Tuesday, 4 October 2016

#1939

What agreement was designed to bind Germany and Italy to assist each other in artwork theft throughout the war?

The Pact of Steal.

#1938

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer had to play cricket and faced every ball.

A: So?

B: He was on strike all day.

Sunday, 2 October 2016

#1937

What do you call an early prototype of a beer recipe?

A first draught.

Saturday, 1 October 2016

#1936

What do you call a graph of the most impressive seizures observed in an epilepsy ward?

A line of best fit.

Friday, 30 September 2016

#1935

What animals, when placed in circles, can help humans to navigate?

Bear-rings.

Thursday, 29 September 2016

#1934

Nathan was a little hurt by the criticism of his helmet strap design, but he took it on the chin.

Wednesday, 28 September 2016

#1933

What do you a feeling of shock experienced when one's cookware has been stolen?

Pan-nick.

Tuesday, 27 September 2016

#1932

What do you call a mannequin of a fully grown dog?

A dogget.

Monday, 26 September 2016

#1931

What do you call a regrettable piece of gossip?

A rue-mour.

Sunday, 25 September 2016

#1930

What kind of fuel is best for creating flames that dance in the cold, cold night?

Cha-cha-coal.

Saturday, 24 September 2016

#1929

The salt grains screamed in agony as they were ground into tiny pieces; it was a cruel twist of fate.

Friday, 23 September 2016

#1928

Where do wine makers celebrate victories?

In their win-yards.

#1927

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was involved in a heist at a car parts dealer.

A: What do you-?

B: He was instructed to take a brake.

Wednesday, 21 September 2016

#1926

What do you call two heads of schools who are friends with each other?

Princi-pals.

Tuesday, 20 September 2016

#1925

A leaky pen had ruined the calligrapher's lifetime of work; she didn't like to talk about the inkcident.

Monday, 19 September 2016

#1924

What do botany students use for writing tasks?

Loose leaf.

Sunday, 18 September 2016

#1923

What do you call a horrible disaster in which a hunter removes a feline's backside?

A cat-ass-trophy.

Saturday, 17 September 2016

#1922

Why did the pig want to leave its enclosure?

It felt sty-fled.

Friday, 16 September 2016

#1921

What kind of chocolates can be used to taunt people at shopping centres?

Mall-teasers.

Thursday, 15 September 2016

#1920

What did Vivaldi call the secret combination of herbs and spices that constituted his original recipe chicken meal?

Four Seasonings.

Wednesday, 14 September 2016

#1919

What swamp-dwelling plants can be used to clean toilets?

Bog brush.

Tuesday, 13 September 2016

#1918

Which film director is referred to by all teachers of film studies when marking assessments?

Stanley Rubric.

Monday, 12 September 2016

#1917

What kind of ghosts haunt their celebrity crushes?

Fan-toms.

Sunday, 11 September 2016

#1916

Where is the best place to cremate plants?

In a fern-ace.

Saturday, 10 September 2016

Friday, 9 September 2016

#1914

"President Trump, in hindsight, do you have any regrets about building your wall on the Mexican border?"

"No regrets. Not even Juan."

Thursday, 8 September 2016

#1913

Which Soviet politician was famous for training horses in snow sports?

Trot-ski.

Wednesday, 7 September 2016

#1912

"Your Majesty, how do you feel about the theft of your royal seat?"

"I'm not sure how I feel. I guess I'm just a bit throne."

Tuesday, 6 September 2016

Monday, 5 September 2016

#1910

What do you call it when farm animals send their meals back to the kitchen?

Giving feedback.

#1909

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer realised that he had two family commitments at once.

A: It was Father's Day?

B: And it was also a Son-Day.

Saturday, 3 September 2016

#1908

What popular 1960s dance song is about gymnastics injuries?

Twist and Shout

Friday, 2 September 2016

#1907

After 40 years as a butcher, Beth had grown accustomed to the daily rind.

Thursday, 1 September 2016

#1906

What film tells the story of a savant who memorises his city's sewage system?

Drain Man

Wednesday, 31 August 2016

#1905

Why don't students fall for each other when they live at the same school?

Because love knows no boarders.

Tuesday, 30 August 2016

#1904

When do electricians feel like rock stars?

When they work with power cords.

Monday, 29 August 2016

#1903

Why couldn't the children give away their old blocks?

It was impossible to Lego.

Sunday, 28 August 2016

#1902

Billy the hangman was really quite shy in his private life, but on execution days, the public only saw his flamboyant halter ego.

Saturday, 27 August 2016

Friday, 26 August 2016

#1900

What do you call an digital update that informs you when a fight between friends is over?

A no-tiff-ication.

#1899

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The special effects department was on strike.

A: We don't have a special-

B: There were delays in post production.

Wednesday, 24 August 2016

#1898

What do you call a union protesting about changes to workers' rights that they think might happen in the future?

A preemptive strike.

Tuesday, 23 August 2016

#1897

Would do you call a person's dreams of becoming a smoker?

Ash-pirations.

Monday, 22 August 2016

#1896

What do you call mucking around by the edge of a window?

Being sill-y.

#1895

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer took a day off to consider monetising this blog, in order to make us appreciate it more.

A: Why would that-

B: Adsense makes the heart grow fonder.

Saturday, 20 August 2016

#1894

What television show details the adventures of a group of fine arts and memorabilia specialists driven to a psychotic frenzy?

Frantics Roadshow.

Friday, 19 August 2016

#1893

What do you call a massive number of antelopes?

A gazelle-ion.

Thursday, 18 August 2016

#1892

What did the announcer say when the dried herbs were ready to be judged?

"It's crunch thyme."

Wednesday, 17 August 2016

#1891

What do you call an independent, self-managed clerk who organises transactions between fishermen and the public?

A shoal trader.

Tuesday, 16 August 2016

Monday, 15 August 2016

#1889

If the ferryman won't carry you across the river Styx, how can you get to Hades?

In a hell-icopter.

Sunday, 14 August 2016

#1888

What do you call an independent, self-managed clerk who manages deals with the devil?

A soul trader.

Saturday, 13 August 2016

#1887

What do you call artificial gas processing micro-sacs designed for human lungs?

Valve-oli.

Friday, 12 August 2016

Thursday, 11 August 2016

#1885

What did the wrestler say after reversing a hold?

"I guess the choke's on you."

Wednesday, 10 August 2016

#1884

Which British prime minister fixed all the roofs at trading events in public squares?

Market Thatcher.

Tuesday, 9 August 2016

#1883

Which John Denver song was told from the perspective of a government statistician?

"You fill up my census..."

Monday, 8 August 2016

Sunday, 7 August 2016

#1881

To the socially conscious narrator, the lack of any great surge in action to lower carbon emissions seemed distinctly anti-climatic.

Saturday, 6 August 2016

#1880

What do you call it when derision has gotten out of hand?

Running a-mock.

Friday, 5 August 2016

#1879

What feminine hygiene product is made out of chocolate biscuit by-products?

Tim-Tampons.

Thursday, 4 August 2016

#1878

What do you call the destruction of a cabbage-based salad?

Slaw-ter.

Wednesday, 3 August 2016

#1877

Which companion of Robin Hood was in charge of plastic surgery for the Merry Men?

Friar Nip-and-Tuck.

Tuesday, 2 August 2016

#1876

What was the favourite garment of the Greek god of healing?

A polo.

Monday, 1 August 2016

#1875

Why did the plumber give the greengrocer an enormous quote?

There were leeks all over his shop.

Sunday, 31 July 2016

#1874

What do you call a journey undertaken in order to realise the severity of the effects of drugs?

A pill-grim-age.

Saturday, 30 July 2016

#1873

What do you call an ambiguous speech by a homeless person?

A vague-rant.

Friday, 29 July 2016

#1872

The timid police officer hated approaching swindlers head-on; he had a fear of con-front-ation.

Thursday, 28 July 2016

#1871

What do you call the pool of people with whom you might spend a romantic evening at a sweetshop?

Candy-dates.

Wednesday, 27 July 2016

#1870

What do you call someone who is capable at cooking seafood?

Pro-fish-ent.

Tuesday, 26 July 2016

Monday, 25 July 2016

#1868

The strength of the athletics team lay in positive relay-tionships.

Sunday, 24 July 2016

#1867

What do you call a vulgar introductory piece of music?

A orelewd.

Saturday, 23 July 2016

#1866

What kind of nuts grow on the inside of buildings?

Wall-nuts.

Friday, 22 July 2016

#1865

What do you call the underground music scene of traffic wardens?

Halt rock.

Thursday, 21 July 2016

#1864

What do you call army chefs who bonded during a war?

Broth-ers in arms.

Wednesday, 20 July 2016

#1863

A: Why have you filled the tub with Christmas tree decorations?

B: I wanted to have a bauble bath.

Tuesday, 19 July 2016

#1862

The well-respected insect was a caterpillar of society.

Monday, 18 July 2016

#1861

What do you call all the different ways you can organise a set of curled hairstyles?

Perm-utations.

Sunday, 17 July 2016

Saturday, 16 July 2016

#1859

The paranoid kitchen cupboard was sick of being judged by panels.

Friday, 15 July 2016

#1858

The hair product manufacturer and her clients never really managed to gel.

Thursday, 14 July 2016

#1857

What do you call a pickle that changes its mind incessantly?

Caper-icious.

Wednesday, 13 July 2016

#1856

Which arcade game is famous for its putrid odour?

Pong.

Tuesday, 12 July 2016

#1855

Where did medieval kings purchase mercenaries?

At knight markets.

Monday, 11 July 2016

Sunday, 10 July 2016

#1853

The barista's apprentice could often be found pouring over the contents of the coffee making manual.

Saturday, 9 July 2016

#1852

What shooting based game is best suited to the sedentary?

Lazer tag.

Friday, 8 July 2016

#1851

What did the novice entrepeneur say to the hardened negotiator?

"It's a pressure doing business with you."

Thursday, 7 July 2016

#1850

Fiona, while bi-curious, felt uncomfortable about the large groups of unattached men and women who kept visiting her house; she felt that she was receiving mixed singles.

Wednesday, 6 July 2016

#1849

What do you call a male fire-breathing beast disguised as a female?

A drag-on.

Tuesday, 5 July 2016

#1848

After a series of mysterious accidents rendered potential customers wary, the company chose to rebrand with the more accurate title of Malaise Airlines.

Monday, 4 July 2016

#1847

What do you call a trip around the world spent destroying buildings?

A sabo-tour.

Sunday, 3 July 2016

#1846

What do you call contentious needlework in the midst of conflict?

Embroiled-ery.

Saturday, 2 July 2016

#1845

What kind of potatoes are the best for a formal dinner?

Jacket potatoes - they never lose their ap-peel.

Friday, 1 July 2016

#1844

Which American president was known for forging diplomatic connections?

Abraham Linkin'.

Thursday, 30 June 2016

Wednesday, 29 June 2016

Tuesday, 28 June 2016

#1841

Did you hear about the comedian who couldn't make it to the queue for drinks at a party?

She was beaten to the punch line.

Monday, 27 June 2016

#1840

What did the instrumentalist say the composer who insisted on placing an impossibly high number of notes in quick succession?

"Give it a rest."

Sunday, 26 June 2016

#1839

A: What I'm saying is, I think he's quite average.

B: No need to be so mean about it.

Saturday, 25 June 2016

#1838

What do you call the social advantage granted to people who live near a narrow passage of water connecting two seas?

Strait privilege.

#1837

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was intoxicated by his consumption of the last remnants of autumn.

A: What do you mean?

B: He was on leaves.

Thursday, 23 June 2016

#1836

What do you call a rat who lives above the sewers?

A road-ent.

Wednesday, 22 June 2016

#1835

How did the plumber surrender in the wrestling match?

He tapped out.

Tuesday, 21 June 2016

#1834

What did the dentist say to the patient who refused to do anything for their dental hygiene other than brushing?

"Oh, well. Your floss."

Monday, 20 June 2016

#1833

A: Do you think that bribing him with dried grapes might work?

B: Well, if you gave me enough dried grapes of a high quality, naturally I'd consider negotiating. I'm a raisin-able man.

Sunday, 19 June 2016

#1832

What anti-tank weapon is developed from a weak ogre?

The pansy-shrek.

Saturday, 18 June 2016

#1831

What do you call a standalone residence for people who are prone to errors?

A bungle-low.

Friday, 17 June 2016

#1830

Struggling with the lack of fibre in her new apartment, Angelique was constipated with rage.

Thursday, 16 June 2016

#1829

What do you call it when a design for a vacuum cleaner turns out to work?

Suck-cess.

Wednesday, 15 June 2016

#1828

What do you call an aspiration to become a plumber?

A pipe dream.

Tuesday, 14 June 2016

#1827

How can you tell that a knight suffers from addiction?

He spends his whole life chasing a dragon.

Monday, 13 June 2016

#1826

What did the lesbians buy to prevent their neighbours from hearing them?

Mufflers.

Sunday, 12 June 2016

#1825

What do you call an irrefutable argument in favour of ammunition?

A bullet proof.

Saturday, 11 June 2016

#1824

The cobbler decided to change his untidy ways after a lengthy period of sole-searching.

Friday, 10 June 2016

#1823

How can you tell that an architect is bored?

When the awning begins.

Thursday, 9 June 2016

Wednesday, 8 June 2016

#1821

What is the appropriate method to film people searching for gold in riverbanks?

Panning.

Tuesday, 7 June 2016

#1820

What do you call a good periodical publication?

Mag-nificent.

Monday, 6 June 2016

#1819

Oscar firmly believed in inserting things up his urethra; he felt that it was a very sound idea.

Sunday, 5 June 2016

#1818

Teacher: Use the expression to bring someone up to speed in a sentence.

Student: It is advisable to start with milder drugs such as marijuana before bringing someone up to speed.

Saturday, 4 June 2016

#1817

What do plants try to do at an auction?

Outbud each other.

Friday, 3 June 2016

#1816

What did Elvis tell the baby to do in case of fire?

"Shake rattle and roll."

Thursday, 2 June 2016

#1815

What do you call someone who whips her customers with pizza?

A Domino-trix.

Wednesday, 1 June 2016

#1814

What do you call it when someone with dyslexia remembers the time when they had herpes?

PSTD.

Tuesday, 31 May 2016

#1813

What do you call a busker's guitar?

An instrument of change.

#1812

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was called to form the first of the letter sequenced British secret service groups?

A: What are you talking about?

B: He was MIA.

Sunday, 29 May 2016

#1811

What container do scientists use when experimenting with birds?

A beaker.

Saturday, 28 May 2016

#1810

The duck liked its new mask; finally, it had found something that fit the bill.

Friday, 27 May 2016

#1809

Why couldn't the mathematician prioritise his equestrian training?

He always put the Cartesian before the horse.

Thursday, 26 May 2016

#1808

How did the master thief get past security?

No one could stand against his stealy gaze.

Wednesday, 25 May 2016

#1807

Where do Irish farmers grow rice?

In Paddy fields.

#1806

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was enjoying the fifth birthday celebrations week for our blog.

A: That's very irresponsible.

B: Yes, the fifth birthday celebrations are weak for our blog.

Monday, 23 May 2016

#1805

How do you describe the body of someone whose ribcage has been mangled?

Dis-organ-ised.

Sunday, 22 May 2016

#1804

What do you call a forbidden marsupial?

A banned-icoot.

Saturday, 21 May 2016

#1803

What do you call it when a contortionist pleads?

Supple-ication.

Friday, 20 May 2016

#1802

Which cousin of the Yeti is the most sarcastic?

The Sass-quatch.

Thursday, 19 May 2016

#1801

Dom the computer programmer was happy to use a Java-based alternative, especially since it loaded as quick as Flash.

Wednesday, 18 May 2016

#1800

What kind of call can you make when your phone battery is dead?

A all that is free of charge.

Tuesday, 17 May 2016

#1799

"They are completely out of place," said Zannen, who could only think in terms of Mars products, "like peas in a Pod."

Monday, 16 May 2016

#1798

What do you call someone who would be able to be a superhero?

Cape-able.

Sunday, 15 May 2016

#1797

Which hit of the alternative rock group Pieman and Garfunkel told the story of an animal shelter built entirely out of parts taken from transmission towers?

The Pound of Pylons

Saturday, 14 May 2016

#1796

How do doctors patch together damaged tissue?

With cell-o-tape.

Friday, 13 May 2016

#1795

What do you call a place of worship for the ordinary bloke in the street?

A chap-el.

#1794

A: Why was there no update yesterday?

B: The writer was pelted with orange seeds when he tried to publish it.

A: I don't even want to know what -

B: He was pipped at the post.

Wednesday, 11 May 2016

#1793

What do you call a Simpsons character who is hurt by the owner of the show's nuclear power station?

A Burns victim.

Tuesday, 10 May 2016

Monday, 9 May 2016

#1791

The landlady grew sick of her renters constantly calling her to say that they were stuck in cracks around the house; she felt that they had taken the term "lodger" too literally.

Sunday, 8 May 2016

#1790

What did the magically sentient gun do when it realised that it was killing people?

It recoiled in horror.

Saturday, 7 May 2016

#1789

What do you call the minimum number of citations required for an essay?

A quote-a.

Friday, 6 May 2016

#1788

What do you call a queue of students waiting for a whole school gathering?

An assembly line.

Thursday, 5 May 2016

#1787

What do you call a group of stockbrokers all renting together?

A share house.

Wednesday, 4 May 2016

#1786

A: Is the statistician capable of handling this variable?

B: Yes, he's very-able.

Tuesday, 3 May 2016

#1785

What document details the knowledge to be covered in an Indian cookery course?

The curry-culum.

Monday, 2 May 2016

#1784

What do you call a chain of optometrists?

A franch-eyes.

Sunday, 1 May 2016

#1783

What did the old milkmaid say when regretting her career?

"If only I could churn back time."

#1782

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer decided to wait one day so as to make this one truly a-May-zing.

Friday, 29 April 2016

#1781

Brenton was not happy with the location of his medical rounds; he felt that he had to question his placement.

Thursday, 28 April 2016

#1780

Why were the police pursuing the hay thief?

He had breached his bale.

Wednesday, 27 April 2016

#1779

When is frizzy hair sexually attractive?

When it's an afro-disiac.

Tuesday, 26 April 2016

#1778

A: I can't believe you left me dangling off that cliff?

B: I said I'm sorry. Don't get all preci-pissy about it.

Monday, 25 April 2016

#1777

What kind of quiz format is the easiest for quilt stuffers?

Fill in the blankets.

Sunday, 24 April 2016

#1776

What do you call a wig made out of the bodies of sea people?

A merkin.

Saturday, 23 April 2016

#1775

When the dessert appeared before the main meal, the diners realised that the dinner had veered off course.

Friday, 22 April 2016

#1774

Kevin felt that his premature ejaculation was the worst of his short comings.

Thursday, 21 April 2016

#1773

How do coal miners find spouses?

At carbon dating events.

Wednesday, 20 April 2016

#1772

What do you call it when someone can't see because there is fat on their glasses?

Blard vision.

Tuesday, 19 April 2016

#1771

Kim encouraged her students to share their sheet music; she had no time for petty score keeping.

Monday, 18 April 2016

#1770

After running out of breath early on, the flautist searched for a more sustainable solution.

#1769

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was having a Pingu-themed day off.

A: That's not a good reason.

B: More like noot a good reason.

A: I will pulverise you with an ice pick.

Saturday, 16 April 2016

#1768

Why did Hitler do so well on his high school exams?

He had the solutions for finals.

Friday, 15 April 2016

#1767

The hyena licked its lips. The solitary zebra in front of it was stripe for the picking.

Thursday, 14 April 2016

#1766

Why did the lions go to Mardi Gras?

For the Pride March.

Wednesday, 13 April 2016

#1765

Why was the first Pope unable to finish his sentences?

He always Petered out.

Tuesday, 12 April 2016

#1764

Ian was impressed with Kleenex's latest developments; their new line of tissues, he felt, was not to be sneezed at.

Monday, 11 April 2016

#1763

Amelia felt insulted by her neighbours who played darts with parasols; she felt that they were always throwing shade.

Sunday, 10 April 2016

#1762

Henry the American author was known for being meticulous; he was anything if not Thoreau.

Saturday, 9 April 2016

#1761

The exercise book manufacturers were losing money uncontrollably on their new design, but couldn't escape the contract; they were in a binding spiral.

#1760

A: Where was yesterday's post? That's the third time that the schedule has been broken this month.

B: I don't know. If this gets any more infrequent it'll be updated weakly.

Thursday, 7 April 2016

#1759

After noticing a widespread fear of light rail, the community rallied to combat tramsphobia.

Wednesday, 6 April 2016

#1758

Adam the opera lover felt that hearing instruments being adjusted to Baroque pitch really lowered the tone of an event.

#1757

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: All the bloggers were at home masturbating.

A: What? Please don't say-

B: There was a writers' stroke.

Monday, 4 April 2016

#1756

What do you call the distribution of faeces?

Scattering.

Sunday, 3 April 2016

#1755

What do you call it when someone is fired from their job making Hawaiian floral wreath?

Leid off.

Saturday, 2 April 2016

#1754

What do you call a tortoise that is overly protective of its partner?

Shellous.

Friday, 1 April 2016

#1753

What do you call a game show crossed with a cooking program?

Quizine.

#1752

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was out looking for unmarried women.

A: You don't mean-

B: Yes. He went missing.

Wednesday, 30 March 2016

#1751

What do you call ornamental wire decorations on a young mare?

Filly-gree.

Tuesday, 29 March 2016

#1750

What kind of fish perform deceptive undercover operations for the fish police?

Sting rays.

Monday, 28 March 2016

#1749

The mousetrap manager was quick to an opinion; he couldn't resist making snap judgements.

Sunday, 27 March 2016

#1748

Why do students learn best when near researches working on alternatives to regular post?

Because they're in the zone of Proxy-Mail Development.

Saturday, 26 March 2016

#1747

What do you call a french fries, cheese, and gravy spread upon crackers?

Poutine on the Ritz.

#1746

A: Why wasn't there a post yesterday?

B: The writer took a break to research the effects of stretching on female reproductive systems.

A: Please don't sa-

B: He was on long cervix leave.

Thursday, 24 March 2016

#1745

The new progressive prison warden criticised the currently used chains for being excessively fetteronormative.

Wednesday, 23 March 2016

#1744

How did Annalene the seabird catcher encourage cooperation among her students?

She used a tern-taking activity.

Tuesday, 22 March 2016

#1743

What do you call it when a king interrupts an accolade for a sandwich?

A mid-knight snack.

Monday, 21 March 2016

#1742

Which US Democrat slogan called for greater engagement with the capital of Switzerland?

"Feel the Bern."

Sunday, 20 March 2016

#1741

Aaron the ice cream vendor always piled heaps onto his deluxe specials - he never missed mass on a sundae.

Saturday, 19 March 2016

#1740

As the sumo wrestler's horse reached the last turn, it dug deep - it knew that there was a lot riding on this.