Saturday, 31 March 2012


I'm sick of hearing people talking about Earth Hour. Why won't they just knock it off?

Friday, 30 March 2012


Two's company, three's a crowd, four's is mass times acceleration.

Thursday, 29 March 2012


A: My latest culinary creation is based on a traditional Chinese dish, but it's a variation.

B: You're right. It does taste very Asian.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Tuesday, 27 March 2012


A: I just keep wondering, why?

B: Because you have nothing better to do?

Monday, 26 March 2012


Today, I was going to say something about winemaking, but I chose not to, because grape is never a joke.

Sunday, 25 March 2012


If you reflect upon the cigarette industry, you will see that it is all smoke and mirrors.

Saturday, 24 March 2012


The manufacturer of tennis equipment was charged with racketeering.

Friday, 23 March 2012


I love stringed instruments from the Middle Ages. They sound absolutely beautiful.

Thursday, 22 March 2012


1912 parent: If you think of doing something naughty, remember that God can see you.

2012 parent: If you think of doing something naughty, remember that the Google Maps van could be passing.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012


What do you call an infected cavity of pus on an inflamed six-pack?

An abs-cess.

Tuesday, 20 March 2012


A: It's not enough to be able to do something. People want you to have a piece of paper saying that you can do it.

B: Are you sure? Perhaps you should qualify that statement.

Monday, 19 March 2012


A: You stepped on my foot!

B: No, I allowed you to experience my heeling touch.

Sunday, 18 March 2012


A: Is she getting married?

B: Well, when I called her today, she was engaged.

Saturday, 17 March 2012


In many Chinese dialects, folklore and pork roll are pronounced the same.

Friday, 16 March 2012

Thursday, 15 March 2012

Wednesday, 14 March 2012


The photos that she had taken while on holiday in Barley were very grainy.

Tuesday, 13 March 2012


You're not a seasoned performer until you have been as-salt-ed on stage.

Monday, 12 March 2012


A: How do you know so much about wine?

B: Oh, you know, I hear things on the grapevine.

Sunday, 11 March 2012


A: Get up, you frothy hedge-born foot-licker!

B: Well, that was a rude awakening.

Saturday, 10 March 2012


A: Do these scissors meet your standards?

B: I'm afraid that they simply don't cut it.

Friday, 9 March 2012


She knew that it would be risky to frolic, but eventually she decided that it was worth the gambol.

Thursday, 8 March 2012


Why would erectile dysfunction pose a grave threat to Chinese politics?

It would prevent them from having elections.

Wednesday, 7 March 2012


I was going to make a pun about Pride and Prejudice, but I decided that it would be too Austentatious.

Tuesday, 6 March 2012


All dem hos,
Impressed by my derring-do.

Rap never really took off in the eighteenth century.

Monday, 5 March 2012


What kind of clinic treats equine illness?

A horsepital.

Sunday, 4 March 2012


My friend is trying to launch a collection of animated shorts. However, it appears that most people prefer garments that remain still on their legs.

Saturday, 3 March 2012


I can't believe that none of these buildings have wheelchair access. This is rampant disregard!

Friday, 2 March 2012


Being a duke means more than simply owning property. Equally important is proper etiquette. One must learn to mind one's manors.

Thursday, 1 March 2012


What do you call an intersection which includes a shop that sells hot beverages?

A tea junction.