Wednesday, 31 October 2012


The Lion, The Witch, The Hyperbola, The Parabola And The Wardrobe was the most popular book in the series The Conicals of Narnia.

Tuesday, 30 October 2012


Mathematics is full of jokes; geometry is particularly conical.

Monday, 29 October 2012


What made ancient Egyptian rulers so attractive?


Sunday, 28 October 2012


What did the thief do when she was caught robbing the hardware store?

She bolted.

Saturday, 27 October 2012


A: Singers with higher voices always sound nicer.

B: That is bassist.

Friday, 26 October 2012

Thursday, 25 October 2012


The flame that ignited the Big Bang came from a match made in heaven.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012


Pierre the film critic described Prune Juice as "very moving", and gave it "two thumbs up".

Tuesday, 23 October 2012


On the pillar was scrawled a warning:

Drug-takers will be stoned.

Monday, 22 October 2012


Most of the people who opposed communism in China were too afraid to Mao-nt a protest.

Sunday, 21 October 2012


The sky, the ocean, the jeans, the forget-me-nots, the navy uniforms, the sapphires, and the royal blood all formed a spectacular sight which blue Jay away.

Saturday, 20 October 2012


The balloon industry is one of the few to profit from inflation.

Friday, 19 October 2012


I wanted to make a joke about Monica Lewinsky, but I couldn't think of a good gag.

Thursday, 18 October 2012


Many female animals, once they reach a certain age, undergo a process known as menopaws.

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Tuesday, 16 October 2012


A: Check out my new tuner. It includes scales!

B: As far as I know, there are always scales on a tuna.

Monday, 15 October 2012


Success in music exams weighs heavily on scales. It also rests upon the use of silence.

Sunday, 14 October 2012


What did Yoda say when he was the referee of a rugby match?

"Do or do not, there is no try."

Saturday, 13 October 2012


The taxi driver hesitated to drive forward, knowing that it could be dangerous to break ranks.

Friday, 12 October 2012


Hitler appreciated muscular, unintelligent women such as Eva, who was all Braun and no brains.

Thursday, 11 October 2012


A rare recording of Hitler singing an early version of Bonnie Tyler's hit Total Eclipse of the Heart has revealed that he was cheating on his girlfriend.

And I need you now tonight,
And I need you more than Eva.

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Tuesday, 9 October 2012


A: Do you like any kind of fish?

B: Well, I'm totally addicted to bass.

Monday, 8 October 2012


A: We might use material from trees, but it depends on a few things.

B: Ah, I see, a conditional wood.

Sunday, 7 October 2012


Normal people: "What's happening?"

Brass musicians: "What's the buzz?"

Saturday, 6 October 2012


How to make any tragedy more fun:

Insert "death" in place of a syllable in the original statement.

Example 1

A: Twelve people were killed today in an accident on the highway.

B: Highway? More like deathway!

Example 2

A: Three thousand people perished as the cruise liner sank.

B: Cruise liner? More like death liner!

Example 3

A: Oh no! No! No, this can't be happening!

B: What's wrong?

A: My whole family! They're dead!

B: How?

A: They were on an aeroplane, and it crashed!

B: Aeroplane? More like deathroplane!

Friday, 5 October 2012


The fruit filled pastries were one of the bakery's most popular products; they always had a high turnover.

Thursday, 4 October 2012


Sopranos are more likely to take drugs than any other type of singer; this is why they are always so high.

And irrational, neurotic, irritable, violent, incapable of following simple instructions, prone to mood swings, and generally insane.

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Tuesday, 2 October 2012


I wouldn't pay more than a pair of five dollar notes for a tenor.

Monday, 1 October 2012


Why are basses the best at reading poetry?

They can make anything sound deep.