Sunday, 28 August 2011


Who is responsible for taking calls on behalf of a group?

The ring leader.


Was there really fog this morning? I must have mist it.

Thursday, 25 August 2011


What is the male version of a porcelain ewe?

A ce-ram-ic.


It's so sweet to see people waiting in line. It's so queuete.

Wednesday, 24 August 2011


Case 1

A: I can't believe she's saying things like that. She's so sexist!

B: Well, she's had some bad experiences with men.

A: Oh, I'm so sorry, I had no idea.

Case 2

A: I can't believe he's saying things like that. He's so sexist!

B: Well, he's had some bad experiences with women.

A: That's no excuse! He's a pig!


Ah, you would like to see some examples of our furniture? This way, madam. The stool samples are over here.

Tuesday, 23 August 2011


Dear Adele, if there's a fire starting in your heart, it probably means that you had too much fried food.

Sunday, 21 August 2011


The ant that is traversing my body has reached the final leg of its journey.


A: Honestly, what do people see in their abusive partners?

B: Beats me.


A: Stop throwing eggs at me!

B: You're just sulking because the yolk's on you.

Wednesday, 17 August 2011


What follows a birthday of heavy drinking?

A barfday.

What follows a birthday spent playing in mud?

A bathday.


What creature roams from garden to garden?

A gnomad.


How does a feminist protest in a fancy restaurant?



Yippee ki yay, Freudian slip!


A: What's an Oedipus complex?

B: Yer mum's an Oedipus complex.


Have you been to the Antarctic? That's where all the cool people go.

Saturday, 13 August 2011


A: It's as silent as a tomb in here.

B: Don't be so cryptic.


In order to maintain a blog with accurate spelling, one must have an i for detal.


Where are coat planes stored?

In coat hangars.

Friday, 12 August 2011


A: I swear, if you make one more pun, I'll break your glasses.

B: If you did that, I would be shattered.

Pause. A splintering sound.

B: I'm shattered.


To unlock the world of music, one only needs the keys.


A: I still can't make up my mind about whether to include Toby.

B: Me neither. I don't know whether we should ask him or not.

A: I can't decide either way.

B: Toby or not Toby, that is the question.

Thursday, 11 August 2011


Our official law enforcing organisation is a small thicket of trees. So, to report a crime, call the copse.


Everything is in order with this speaker system; it's perfectly sound.


Understanding probability matrices is the Markov a fine statistician.


In order to drive public transport, one must be properly trained.

Wednesday, 10 August 2011


What creature can always defeat vampires?



I was extremely frightened when he pretended to punch me. He feinted and I fainted.


How do dwarves greet prostitutes?

Hi ho.


One moment, it's as playful as a cub, and the next, it's as vicious as a grizzly. This is clearly a bipolar bear.

Tuesday, 9 August 2011


The lack of chairs is absolutely unacceptable. I will not stand for this.


Who made this mess with the blankets and pillows? This is total bedlam.


Chips are for seagulls, and wedges are for wedge-tailed eagles.

Monday, 8 August 2011


I find transvestites very boring. They're such a drag.

Sunday, 7 August 2011


It is a sad fact that many young people feel pressured into taking ice, simply because it is perceived to be cool.

Saturday, 6 August 2011


Let's have a toast to all the parents who are raisin their children to be well bread.

Friday, 5 August 2011


Why does a brief Formula One track damage an electrical system?

It's a short circuit.

Thursday, 4 August 2011


She used to be fond of Italian food, but now she felt that she was pasta it.

Tuesday, 2 August 2011


There was to be an execution that day.

The hooded figure tightened the noose one last time and stepped back. The crowd was as still as the marble in a crypt as he pulled the lever. The trapdoor opened and the body lurched down into the gap.

The silent crowd strained as one to grasp the final gasps of the prisoner. What they heard was a solitary voice from the edge of the square: "How's it hanging?"

There were two executions that day.


In order to gain an integral knowledge of physics, one must learn to string theories together.


I don't think that I would be capable of becoming an astronaut. I just couldn't find space for it in my life.


There are two main types of HIV: A-HIV and B-HIV. Honey can be found inside a B-HIV.


Given its name, AIDS is surprisingly unhelpful.


The greatest challenge faced by gay comedians is keeping a straight face.