Thursday, 31 December 2015

#1661

Hollywood actors go to eternal damnation via the house of Ms Klum - you can see them passing through the gates of Heidi's.

Wednesday, 30 December 2015

#1660

The male sheep dormitories were often unruly; today, the farmer noted that they were particularly ram-bunk-tious.

Tuesday, 29 December 2015

#1659

What kind of decorative sheet is known for its use in hip hop?

Rapping paper.

Monday, 28 December 2015

Sunday, 27 December 2015

Saturday, 26 December 2015

#1656

What did the priest say when the members of the secret sect received their final sacrament of Catholic initiation?

"Illuminati confirmed."

Friday, 25 December 2015

#1655

The birth of Jesus went smoothly, with both mother and child in a stable condition.

Thursday, 24 December 2015

#1654

What is the culinary opposite of a baguette?

Shortbread.

Wednesday, 23 December 2015

#1653

How would you describe a significant piece for a church choir?

Hymn-portant.

Tuesday, 22 December 2015

#1652

How can you tell if a drunk crowd doesn't like you?

You can hear their booze.

Monday, 21 December 2015

#1651

What is used to stop drinks from leaving stains on tables at beachside bars?

Coasters.

Sunday, 20 December 2015

#1650

What do you call it when a checkered sponge cake is squashed?

Flattenberg cake.

Saturday, 19 December 2015

#1649

What did the Jedi say to the plumber on her first day?

"May the faucet be with you."

Friday, 18 December 2015

Thursday, 17 December 2015

Wednesday, 16 December 2015

#1646

A: I love those guys! They always bring such light to the room.

B: That's not that impressive.

A: What do you mean?

B: I think it takes a lot more effort to bring heavy.

Tuesday, 15 December 2015

#1645

What symbolic gesture did the Greek slaves make when reclaiming their freedom?

They threw off their fetas.

Monday, 14 December 2015

#1644

What did 18th century peasants use as napkins?

Serf-iettes.

Sunday, 13 December 2015

#1643

What form of energy is the most democratic?

Elect-ricity.

Saturday, 12 December 2015

#1642

What kind of lung disease is caused by eating too many root vegetables?

Tuberculosis.

Friday, 11 December 2015

#1641

Why did Zeus hate show-off minor deities?

They were always trying to steal his thunder.

Thursday, 10 December 2015

#1640

What do you call a German Christmas bread which you took without paying?

Stolen (Give-it-bäck).

Wednesday, 9 December 2015

#1639

What was the prisoner with an Oedipal complex served while in prison?

Freudian slop.

Tuesday, 8 December 2015

#1638

How did the group of black lovers tell their parrot that they wanted to add a white member?

"Poly want a cracker."

Monday, 7 December 2015

Sunday, 6 December 2015

#1636

Which structure in train stations consists of interwoven waiting areas?

A plait-form.

Saturday, 5 December 2015

#1635

What song did Green Day write about an unrepeatable encounter with a stopwatch?

Timer of Your Life

#1634

A: Why wasn't there a post yesterday?

B: The writer took a day off to work to be wise about stomach exercises.

A: What do you mean?

B: I just explained his ab-sense.

Thursday, 3 December 2015

#1633

As he looked around the orchard one last time, Zorro knew that he would cherry-sh these memories forever.

Wednesday, 2 December 2015

#1632

What do the British lower classes use to moisturise their lips?

Chavsticks.

Tuesday, 1 December 2015

#1631

What do you call the study of electronic plant substitutes?

Robotany.

Monday, 30 November 2015

Sunday, 29 November 2015

#1629

What sound do pirates' stomachs make when they want liquor?

Rum-bling.

Saturday, 28 November 2015

#1628

Where in an airport can you check how old a suitcase is?

The bag-age area.

Friday, 27 November 2015

#1627

What holiday do American military vehicle manufacturers celebrate in November?

Tanks-giving.

Thursday, 26 November 2015

#1626

What did the poetry prostitute say to the potential client?

"Looking for a good rhyme?"

Wednesday, 25 November 2015

#1625

What should you say to an incompetent dog breeder?

"Step pup your game."

Tuesday, 24 November 2015

#1624

What happened to the priest who had his beard trimmed in the church tower?

He was shaved by the bell.

Monday, 23 November 2015

#1623

A: Can you carry my bag?

B: I can't believe you would satchel me with this burden.

Sunday, 22 November 2015

#1622

What did the king say about the reliable nobleman who was lower than a duke but higher than a baron?

"You can Count on him."

Saturday, 21 November 2015

#1621

What do you call the wife of a Duke in the Netherlands?

A Dutchess.

Friday, 20 November 2015

#1620

After looking over her footnotes, Emeline realised that the quote she had searched for was hiding in plain citation.

Thursday, 19 November 2015

#1619

Where is the worst place in Germany to wake up after a night of heavy drinking?

Hanover.

Wednesday, 18 November 2015

#1618

What television series tells the story of a woman who memorises homicide case files?

Murder, She Rote.

Tuesday, 17 November 2015

#1617

Why couldn't Hayley do squats?

She was glute intolerant.

Monday, 16 November 2015

#1616

Which Tennyson poem recounts an attack conducted by a troop of bantamweights?

The charge of the light brigade.

Sunday, 15 November 2015

#1615

The operator of the public humiliation device was known for being a pillory of the community.

Saturday, 14 November 2015

#1614

The innovative stoner, the first to smoke a mixture of dried fruit and nuts, was widely regarded as a trail blazer.

Friday, 13 November 2015

Thursday, 12 November 2015

#1612

Officer Brace tossed and turn in a fitful rest, plagued by recurring visions of her indecent exposure arrest. She woke up, sweating. She was going to have to find a way to stop these flashbacks.

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

#1610

What do you call a dream-like blurring of reality and imagination caused by a soft drink?

A Fanta-smagoric experience.

Monday, 9 November 2015

#1609

What do you call false prices in a tavern?

Inn accurate.

Sunday, 8 November 2015

#1608

What feature most commonly makes a woodchopper pretty?

Lumberous eyes.

Saturday, 7 November 2015

#1607

What do you call the leader of a military sniffer dog squad?

A scent-urion.

Friday, 6 November 2015

#1606

What do you call a padded bag used for defensive rugby training?

A recep-tackle.

Thursday, 5 November 2015

#1605

After commencing the nutrition program for chest muscles, Andy had great eggs-pec-tations.

Wednesday, 4 November 2015

#1604

What do you call it when a person must choose one of two cliffs off which to jump?

A di-lemming.

Tuesday, 3 November 2015

Monday, 2 November 2015

#1602

After it proved impossible to move directly above the air ducts, Richie decided to circumvent them.

Sunday, 1 November 2015

#1601

What did the priest say when asked if he could abandon his congregation?

"Parish the thought!"

Saturday, 31 October 2015

#1600

What do you call the process of slowly savouring a sauce?

Relishing.

Friday, 30 October 2015

#1599

What do you call a lot of people going to confession?

A sinflux.

Thursday, 29 October 2015

#1598

What kind of stick does an old sugar daddy use to walk?

A cane.

Wednesday, 28 October 2015

#1597

What do you call a forceful declaration about white blood cells?

A lymphatic statement.

Tuesday, 27 October 2015

#1596

What do you call the state of being worried about one's printing supplies?

Ink-quietude.

Monday, 26 October 2015

#1595

Teacher: Define chamber music.

Student: Chamber music is when you play from the heart.

Sunday, 25 October 2015

#1594

What do you call people who have lost their eyesight on Italian canals?

Venetian blinds.

Saturday, 24 October 2015

#1593

What do you call someone who was born into wealth?

Luck-xurious.

Friday, 23 October 2015

#1592

Proponents of a ban on burkas have been accused of slit-shaming.

Thursday, 22 October 2015

#1591

Cordelia was always very careful about the ropes on her ship; some would say that she was excessively rig-ourous.

Wednesday, 21 October 2015

#1590

Which musical genre is best known for its associated facial hairstyles?

Mo-town.

Tuesday, 20 October 2015

#1589

Upon escaping from the pirate's clutches, Linn happily realised that she was off the hook.

Monday, 19 October 2015

#1588

The police in Singapore are known for their strict enforcement of littering laws; they will fine someone at the drop of a hat.

Sunday, 18 October 2015

#1587

A: My credit card says I've purchased a bunch of livestock! What do I do?

B: For starters, don't have a cow.

Saturday, 17 October 2015

#1586

The society of Youtubers against Food Wastage asked people not to subscribe to How To Basic - as this would only egg him on further.

Friday, 16 October 2015

#1585

The engineers had designed the train to move especially fast; it was their express purpose.

Thursday, 15 October 2015

#1584

How do strippers judge their popularity?

Based on their performance on the poles.

Wednesday, 14 October 2015

#1583

The faulty door was driving the carpenters crazy; they were starting to become unhinged.

Tuesday, 13 October 2015

#1582

To bond with someone, change trains with them; it's a great way to make a connection.

Monday, 12 October 2015

#1581

Which boy band was named after the inability of its members to reverse a car?

One Direction.

Sunday, 11 October 2015

#1580

The potato storeroom had been burgled in a mash and grab attack.

Saturday, 10 October 2015

#1579

All thieves of baked goods were terrible, reflected the detective, but this one really took the biscuit.

Friday, 9 October 2015

#1578

After her fetish for concealing felines in sacks became too suspicious, Brigitte decided to let the cat out of the bag.

Thursday, 8 October 2015

#1577

A: How was the rocket launch?

B: Great! We had a blast.

Wednesday, 7 October 2015

#1576

A: Oh no! I forgot to bring her coat!

B: No wonder she's been giving you the cold shoulder.

Tuesday, 6 October 2015

#1575

After struggling to name the period during which the sun is visible, the astronomers decided to call it a day.

Monday, 5 October 2015

#1574

The mystery of the missing clothes hampers was ruining the detective; these unsolved thefts were turning her into a basket case.

Sunday, 4 October 2015

#1573

As the organiser of the judges' dance, Kayna felt distinctly uncomfortable that had not been able to afford an external venue; she was unsure how to proceed now that the ball was in her court.

Saturday, 3 October 2015

Friday, 2 October 2015

#1571

What song of peace is favoured by hairdressers?

Combaya.

Thursday, 1 October 2015

Wednesday, 30 September 2015

#1569

What do you call a cat's journey to find formal garments?

A purr-suit.

Tuesday, 29 September 2015

#1568

What was the athletics coach's favourite photography technique?

Time laps.

Monday, 28 September 2015

#1567

What do you call a confusingly structured science workplace?

A lab-yrinth.

Sunday, 27 September 2015

#1566

The first sex robots were very difficult to use; it was far too easy to blow a fuse.

Saturday, 26 September 2015

#1565

How did Dylan Thomas cut his date's lip?

He did not go gentle into that good night.

Friday, 25 September 2015

#1564

Years of working in the traffic centre of an airport had made it very hard for Eloise to maintain a relationship - all her partners complained that she was too controlling.

Thursday, 24 September 2015

#1563

Why did the auditor hate inspecting the nail salon?

They had the most complicated filing system.

Wednesday, 23 September 2015

#1562

After the first engineer's arms were chopped off by the malfunctioning device, none of the others were willing to try their hand.

Tuesday, 22 September 2015

#1561

How did Dylan Thomas stub his toe in the garden?

He did not go gentle into that good night.

Monday, 21 September 2015

#1560

Why did the computer programmers want to make sure that there were no elephants on the internet?

They would squash it.

Sunday, 20 September 2015

#1559

What do you call secret tribal rituals?

Clan-destine activies.

Saturday, 19 September 2015

#1558

Why did the general enter his soldiers into a car race?

To rally the troops.

Friday, 18 September 2015

#1557

A: Do you always read the whole newspaper?

B: No, just whatever artickles my fancy.

Thursday, 17 September 2015

#1556

Why did the fashion designer refuse to wear ripped jeans indoors?

Because they were meant to be worn out.

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

#1555

Upon arriving in the colony of blind people, the bodybuilder realised that here, his physique was absolete.

Tuesday, 15 September 2015

#1554

How would eating pork lead to peace in the Middle East?

It would allow all factions to find salaam-i.

Monday, 14 September 2015

#1553

Which friend of Winnie the Pooh sacrificed his life for his acting career?

Piglet, for the role of Hamlet.

Sunday, 13 September 2015

#1552

What do you call it when a lot of people have been slain?

A slew.

Saturday, 12 September 2015

Friday, 11 September 2015

#1550

What do you call a plant that reproduces inconsistently?

Spore-adic.

Thursday, 10 September 2015

#1549

Where can couples who can't decide which way to vote meet other indecisive strangers for sex?

A swingers club.

#1548

A: Why wasn't there a post yesterday?

B: Yesterday was Wednesday.

A: So?

B: I decided to honour the original meaning of the day.

A: How?

B: Yesterday, all the readers were asking themselves, "When's today's post arriving?" Thus: When's-day.

A: Once again, did you break the blog schedule just to make that -

B: Yes.

Tuesday, 8 September 2015

#1547

Otto didn't like being criticised for his habitual tardiness; he preferred to think of it as a latemotif.

Monday, 7 September 2015

#1546

Bakers are often sardonic; they're known for their rye sense of humour.

Sunday, 6 September 2015

#1545

What do you call it when an anarchist has diarrhoea?

Dissentery.

Saturday, 5 September 2015

#1544

Clara couldn't resist purchasing socks, but her husband Robert was more of a shoe man.

Friday, 4 September 2015

#1543

After the disgraced cyclist developed a large boil, the doctors had to lance Armstrong.

Thursday, 3 September 2015

#1542

Why can't anyone remember wearing tight bras?

Because they're repressed mammaries.

Wednesday, 2 September 2015

#1541

After deciding to enter publishing as well as fashion, the company was renamed "Abercrombie and Fiction".

Tuesday, 1 September 2015

#1540

A: Where did you get the money to pay for a gardener?

B: From my hedge fund.

Monday, 31 August 2015

#1539

Merryl's brother hated sitting next to her on long flights. She would brag for hours about how well she played in her brass band. He always tried to walk up and down the aisle to avoid his deeply vain trombone sis.

Sunday, 30 August 2015

#1538

A: Do you remember Quasimodo?

B: Yes, that rings a bell.

Saturday, 29 August 2015

#1537

A: What were you doing with the kittens?

B: I was trying to fool them into thinking that there would be milk.

A: Did it work?

B: Oh yes. They lapped it up.

Friday, 28 August 2015

#1536

A: Why are you only having the main meal?

B: Because they said we can't have chips and salad, so it's safer to have neither.

A: Just pick one.

B: But one chef made the chips, and another one made the salad, so-

A: I swear to God, don't say-

B: I don't want to take sides.

[A pause.]

A: I hope you choke.

Thursday, 27 August 2015

#1535

What is a bird's favourite part of programming?

Nesting.

Wednesday, 26 August 2015

#1534

The chancellor of the university was forced to retire after it became that he was no longer in control of his faculties.

Tuesday, 25 August 2015

#1533

After facing poor ratings, the lumberjack reality show had to be axed.

Monday, 24 August 2015

#1532

What did the teacher say to the students at the Thieving Academy when giving a lesson on robbing a stationery shop?

"Take notes."

Sunday, 23 August 2015

#1531

Devastating weather ravaged South Korea today as attempts to create copies of the artist behind Gangnam Style led to horrifying Psy-clones.

Saturday, 22 August 2015

#1530

What meteorological phenomenon causes old people to walk faster?

A hurry-cane.

Friday, 21 August 2015

#1529

What do you call a portion of fat that is exhausting to chew?

Larduous.

Thursday, 20 August 2015

#1528

What do you call the standard of a disorganised street vendor?

A chaosque.

Wednesday, 19 August 2015

#1527

When should a period of mourning end?

In the afternoon.

Tuesday, 18 August 2015

#1526

Elisabeth decided not to say anything when one of her sneakers fell apart; she felt that it would be wiser to hold her tongue.

Monday, 17 August 2015

#1525

In this era, homosexuality was considered a mental illness - any people who were found to be gay were immediately placed in a straightjacket.

Sunday, 16 August 2015

#1524

How does a cool person with lots of swag give other people their contact details?

On a ballin' card.

Saturday, 15 August 2015

#1523

After raising her prices, the jeweller was accused of profit-earring.

Friday, 14 August 2015

#1522

How do you stop people from looking through your windows?

Blind them.

Thursday, 13 August 2015

#1521

Thierry initially enjoyed his skinny jeans, but after a while, they wore thin.

Wednesday, 12 August 2015

#1520

Erika was initially enthusiastic about her career as an author, but after some years, the novelty wore off.

Tuesday, 11 August 2015

#1519

The music was loud enough to make people feel sick; most audience members reported feeling noise-eous.

Monday, 10 August 2015

#1518

Where do classical musicians jam?

At the conserve-atory.

Sunday, 9 August 2015

#1517

Which writing utensil was originally designed for keeping score in sports?

The ballpoint pen.

Saturday, 8 August 2015

#1516

As Gina contemplated how to end her relationship, she decided that destroying all of her boyfriend's suits would be a very clear way to break ties.

Friday, 7 August 2015

#1515

What do you call an intersection strewn with discarded trash?

A junk-tion.

Thursday, 6 August 2015

#1514

A: Why did you shove a flower in my wound? Why would you do that?

B: I thought it would help to stem the flow of blood.

A: I'm in so much pain.

B: Stem, get it?

Wednesday, 5 August 2015

#1513

The communists believed that, once the right was proved wrong, only they would be left.

Tuesday, 4 August 2015

#1512

The mafia boss gazed glumly at the large pile of tiny brushes on the table before him. He glanced at his youngest charge, who was standing to attention on the other side of the heap.

"It was hard, boss. Most people said they'd never heard of them. So I made them myself. They're specially designed to remove lint from the joints of fingers of any size, and I think I've made enough for the whole mob, boss," he concluded, beaming with pride.

The old gangster sighed.

"Fetch us knuckle dusters, I said, Jakey. Knuckle dusters."

Monday, 3 August 2015

#1511

What do you call a religious awakening on the 29th of February?

A leap of faith.

Sunday, 2 August 2015

#1510

What do you call a messy natural environment?

A shabbytat.

Saturday, 1 August 2015

#1509

What do you call the correct posture for the Queen's Guard?

A stand-ard.

Friday, 31 July 2015

Thursday, 30 July 2015

#1507

What do you call a list of locations on a boxer's tour?

A fight-inerary.

Wednesday, 29 July 2015

#1506

What do you call someone who tries to appear learned but constantly makes mistakes?

Error-dite.

Tuesday, 28 July 2015

#1505

Thaphei hated receiving group messages about medieval armour - he immediately deleted all chainmail.

Monday, 27 July 2015

#1504

What do you call the ability to act appropriately at a carnival?

Savoir-fair.

Sunday, 26 July 2015

#1503

The professor gazed glumly at the report on her desk. She glanced at her youngest researcher, who was seated opposite her, beaming proudly.

"It was quite hard to locate - and it seemed strange to give me a chemical study given that we're geneticists - but I did find a local aquatic centre where people can swim in denim and conducted a thorough analysis of the consequences of the fabric on the water."

The professor sighed.

"Investigate the local gene pool, I said. Not the jean pool, the gene pool."

"Yes," smiled the student, and the professor retired that afternoon.

Saturday, 25 July 2015

#1502

A: Why are you buying so many shares?

B: It's autumn.

A: So?

B: I'm stocking up for the winter.

Friday, 24 July 2015

Thursday, 23 July 2015

#1500

After being bullied by his colleagues for not having a waxed anus, the stripper decided to sue for hair-ass-ment.

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

#1499

What do you call an expert on filming the mating practices of birds?

A pornithologist.

Tuesday, 21 July 2015

Monday, 20 July 2015

#1497

What do you call a furtively modified percussion instrument?

A tamperine.

Sunday, 19 July 2015

#1496

Paul couldn't help but ask if the strangers were from Poland or from the Czech Republic; he was a Slav to his curiosity.

Saturday, 18 July 2015

#1495

What do you call a natural pause during which people start talking about parts of ships?

A hull in conversation.

Friday, 17 July 2015

#1494

A: They keep pulling out lice from my dog's fur.

B: Don't mind them; they're just nitpicking.

Thursday, 16 July 2015

#1493

A: They keep pointing out flaws in the woollen scarves I made.

B: Don't mind them; they're just knitpicking.

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

#1492

A: What do you mean, you can tell that he's weak-willed just by looking at his jumper?

B: I'm telling you, that's a pushover pullover.

Tuesday, 14 July 2015

#1491

A: I can't believe you broke my miniature air conditioner!

B: You need to learn to be more relaxed about these things. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Monday, 13 July 2015

#1490

The disused train station had been turned into a cafe - essentially, it had never gone out of service.

Sunday, 12 July 2015

#1489

A: Why don't you like the recessed area on the side of the room?

B: I find it alcoverrated.

Saturday, 11 July 2015

#1488

Why are diseased prostitutes highly sought for the emergency services?

They know how to put out a fire.

Friday, 10 July 2015

#1487

What business deals with self-driven mechanics?

The automotive industry.

Thursday, 9 July 2015

#1486

A: You gave your word to how many people?

B: I'm sorry, I can't help being promise-cuous.

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

Tuesday, 7 July 2015

#1484

The explorers' fears paled in comparison to the plight of the albinos.

Monday, 6 July 2015

#1483

After years spent investigating the sculpture heist, the detectives finally made a bust.

Sunday, 5 July 2015

#1482

A: The old guy she's dating owns a confectionery shop.

B: I suppose he must be a sugar daddy.

Saturday, 4 July 2015

#1481

A: It's so hard to talk to my publican. He's gruff and rude and not a good listener.

B: Perhaps you need to find someone who's a little more bar-tender.

Friday, 3 July 2015

#1480

After a relaxing holiday, it was time for the coffee maker to return to the daily grind.

Thursday, 2 July 2015

#1479

What happened to the chicken when it stopped producing eggs?

It got laid off.

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

#1478

With what words do prostitutes greet clients?

"Welcome to my humble a-bod."

(At least I hope they do. I would do this if I were one.)

Tuesday, 30 June 2015

#1477

The secret to Anais's longevity as a furniture maker was her deep-seated belief in the quality of her sofas.

Monday, 29 June 2015

#1476

Why was the spider embarrassed when its web fell apart?

It fly had come undone.

Sunday, 28 June 2015

#1475

How did Ancient Egyptians navigate through documents?

By scrolling.

Saturday, 27 June 2015

#1474

What do you call an egg-filled bread bun?

An embryoche.

Friday, 26 June 2015

#1473

The fly, unfortunately for itself, alighted on a combustible substance.

Thursday, 25 June 2015

#1472

Olivia believed that getting her name onto one voting list would lead to many others; she felt that she was on a roll.

Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Tuesday, 23 June 2015

#1470

A: They decided to hire an exorcist.

B: What could possibly have possessed them to do that?

Monday, 22 June 2015

#1469

Rui was disappointed to find out that cocaine was not all it was cracked up to be.

Sunday, 21 June 2015

#1468

Why did the apple go to the gym?

To build its core strength.

Saturday, 20 June 2015

#1467

Why does the Queen only play poker on the toilet?

Because she's always guaranteed of a Royal Flush.

Friday, 19 June 2015

#1466

When the escape artist decided that she wanted to release a DVD of herself being fastened to the ceiling; she knew that she had to organise a live taping.

Thursday, 18 June 2015

#1465

A: Why did you tell him to take up smoking?

B: He asked me for add-vice.

Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Tuesday, 16 June 2015

#1463

After trying it a first time, the new blood donor decided to carry on in the same vein.

Monday, 15 June 2015

#1462

A: Oh no! This man had most of his body chopped off in the accident! He will never be whole again!

B: Well, he certainly looks the part.

Sunday, 14 June 2015

#1461

The crime historian merely wanted to write the wrongs of the past.

Saturday, 13 June 2015

#1460

Clare the theatre director, nursing a broken arm, was struggling to adjust the rehearsal schedule; for the hundredth time, she cursed her inflexible cast.

Friday, 12 June 2015

#1459

A: Do you believe the story about Jesus and the fruit tree?

B: No, I think it's entirely fig-titious.

Thursday, 11 June 2015

#1458

The pinboard monitor believed that the best form of defense was a good tack.

Wednesday, 10 June 2015

#1457

How can you tell that a printing press has never been used?

Its hyphen is intact.

Tuesday, 9 June 2015

#1456

Leaving a relationship can be a painful process of ex-traction.

Monday, 8 June 2015

#1455

After observing the holes clearly cut into the pile of papers, Yannick had to concede that the device did indeed pack a punch.

Sunday, 7 June 2015

#1454

A: I have so much weaving to do! I won't be free for ages.

B: Cheer up, I'm sure it won't be all doom and loom.

Saturday, 6 June 2015

#1453

Venus Williams was known for being a calm child, but her sister was serener.

Friday, 5 June 2015

#1452

What do you call an organisation bookkeepers wearing suspenders?

Gartered accountants.

Thursday, 4 June 2015

#1451

What do people say when they realise, for the first time, that they are not white?

"Well, colour me surprised!"

Wednesday, 3 June 2015

#1450

The gay man rolled out of bed and picked up his phone to check his matches - it was time for the daily grindr.

Tuesday, 2 June 2015

#1449

The statisticians called for a pause to calculate the averages. Meanwhile...

Monday, 1 June 2015

#1448

A: Why did you interrupt everyone with your twerking?

B: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to butt in.

Sunday, 31 May 2015

#1447

What do you call someone printing in a hurry?

Hard pressed.

Saturday, 30 May 2015

#1446

What is the name for the mapping of underground surfaces?

Bottom-ology.

Friday, 29 May 2015

#1445

What kind of organisation predicts future couples?

A shipping company.

Thursday, 28 May 2015

#1444

What is the name for the study of the mentality behind Gangnam Style?

Psy-chology.

Wednesday, 27 May 2015

#1443

What is the most specific kind of sports bra?

A push-up bra.

Tuesday, 26 May 2015

#1442

What is the name of the process by which a demon prepares a human for entry?

Prepossession.

Monday, 25 May 2015

#1441

What kind of dog enjoys touring the world?

A jet setter.

Sunday, 24 May 2015

#1440

What happens to old Egyptians as the float down the river towards the ocean?

They become sea-Nile.

Saturday, 23 May 2015

#1439

How can you tell that an electron is feeling energetic?

It comes out of its shell.

Friday, 22 May 2015

#1438

What do you call a group of gangsters who can be identified by their necklaces?

A chain gang.

Thursday, 21 May 2015

#1437

What do you call a vampire who raises the dead in order to seduce them?

A neck-romancer.

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

#1436

What did the student say while submitting an essay?

"Mark my words."

Tuesday, 19 May 2015

#1435

A: Lately, every time my children speak, they say a group of words without any verbs!

B: Don't worry. I'm sure it's just a phrase.

Monday, 18 May 2015

#1434

How did the wall celebrate its birthday?

By getting plastered.

Sunday, 17 May 2015

#1433

"This isn't a real celebration of supermarket cashier's desks! This is just a counter-fête!"

Saturday, 16 May 2015

#1432

What kind of magical creature is known for not caring about justice?

An unfairy.

Friday, 15 May 2015

#1431

The candlemaker sighed; these customers were beginning to get on his wick.

Thursday, 14 May 2015

#1430

Teacher: Use the word fervent in a sentence.

Student: An opening to gather a cat's hair is called a fur-vent.

Wednesday, 13 May 2015

#1429

Which piece of smartphone software measures the power usage of the device?

WattsApp.

Tuesday, 12 May 2015

#1428

A: Why do you always disagree with my fruit choices?

B: I enjoy playing the devil's avocado.

Monday, 11 May 2015

#1427

The stationery innovator was always trying to push the envelope.

Sunday, 10 May 2015

#1426

What do you call the pain caused by an excessively heavy backpack?

Bagony.

Saturday, 9 May 2015

#1425

What did the enthusiastic business owner say about her preference for solitude?

"I enjoy my own company."

Friday, 8 May 2015

#1424

What do you call a brief video about trimming nails?

A clip.

Thursday, 7 May 2015

Wednesday, 6 May 2015

#1422

What happened when the satyromaniac cowboy fell sick?

He was bedridden.

Tuesday, 5 May 2015

#1421

A: What do you mean, it used to be a flying vehicle?

B: I'm sorry, I can't ex-plane.

Monday, 4 May 2015

#1420

What was used to construct a sling when the French sculptor fractured her arm?

Plaster of Paris.

Sunday, 3 May 2015

#1419

How did the city dweller apologise for his grumpiness in the country side?

"Sorry to be such a towner."

Saturday, 2 May 2015

#1418

The former beekeeper recalled to this day the day that her hive abandoned her; she could still feel the sting of rejection.

Friday, 1 May 2015

#1417

What did the undertaker say about the necrophiliacs?

"They want the D-ceased."

Thursday, 30 April 2015

#1416

Are you a Catholic and do you want the body of your dreams? For only three payments of 19.99 and telling all your sins to a priest, you can have the torso you've to which you've always aspired! Presenting the brand new AbSolution.

Wednesday, 29 April 2015

#1415

Benedict the gardener only used spades very solemnly; he believed that this would preserve his dig-nity.

Tuesday, 28 April 2015

#1414

Teacher: Use the word likewise in a sentence.

Student: Most old people are totally, like, wise.

Monday, 27 April 2015

#1413

A: Why is there a trampoline under my car?

B: You said you needed a jump start.

Sunday, 26 April 2015

#1412

What do you call buoyant blocks of wood that are used to support rooftops?

Rafters.

Saturday, 25 April 2015

#1411

Magdalena had never had a problem with spoiled children, but since becoming a cannibal, she found them disgusting.

Friday, 24 April 2015

#1410

What do you call the captain of a frolicking team?

The skipper.

Thursday, 23 April 2015

#1409

The prince sprinted out of the ballroom to find that she was gone. All that remained was a glass shoe. Gradually, he realised that Cinderella had given him the slipper.

Wednesday, 22 April 2015

#1408

What do you call a program on a Macintosh computer?

An apple-ication.

Tuesday, 21 April 2015

#1407

The art heist was a success; all the sculptures had disappeared without a Samo-trace.

Monday, 20 April 2015

#1406

What do you call the being who is sad to collect the souls of the dead?

The Grim Weeper.

Sunday, 19 April 2015

#1405

A: Why were you passed out on top of the house?

B: I think I was roofied.

Saturday, 18 April 2015

#1404

After noticing that everyone she had interviewed had seemed angry, Natasha reflected that she might have chosen a particularly cross section of the population.

Friday, 17 April 2015

#1403

Which dogs are the best at learning lewd songs?

Bawdy collies.

Thursday, 16 April 2015

Wednesday, 15 April 2015

#1401

Nancy loved it when customers only wanted parts of their hair coloured; it was the highlight of her day.

Tuesday, 14 April 2015

#1400

Years spent watching television had prepared Keith poorly for the tedious journey from France to England; no matter how bored he became, he could not change the Channel.

Monday, 13 April 2015

#1399

A: Do you think it's safe to leave this untied?

B: I think knot.

Sunday, 12 April 2015

#1398

Learning to turn handles despite arthritis can open many doors late in life.

Saturday, 11 April 2015

#1397

A: You don't like you're dancing. You look like you're attempting a painful walk over broken glass.

B: I've got the moves like jagged!

Friday, 10 April 2015

#1396

The river preferred to distribute its liquid assets between two banks.

Thursday, 9 April 2015

#1395

"We can explain!" cried the cheating husband. But neither he nor his lover could find anything to say. All that was evident was that they were tongue-tied.

Wednesday, 8 April 2015

#1394

A: How can we protect young people from alcoholism?

B: We need to nip it in the Budweiser.

Tuesday, 7 April 2015

#1393

Jean's favourite part of Despicable Me was the way in which the protagonist Gru emotionally.

Monday, 6 April 2015

#1392

How do you find a coal monster?

By tracing its carbon footprints.

Sunday, 5 April 2015

#1391

At first, the fish wasn't interested in the bait, but once he tasted it, he was hooked.

Saturday, 4 April 2015

#1390

Which beverage is traditionally associated with politeness?

Cordial.

Friday, 3 April 2015

#1389

What do you call a symbolic gruesome painting?

Alle-gory-cal.

Thursday, 2 April 2015

#1388

The conservative architect strongly advised against all multi-level projects, as she believed that they would end in tiers.

Wednesday, 1 April 2015

#1387

What do you call someone who receives money from the lead singer of U2?

A Bono-ficiary.

Tuesday, 31 March 2015

#1386

After rumours of a rebellion reached the capital, the dictator's council advised him to reign in his tyranny.

Monday, 30 March 2015

#1385

From what book do cowboys take religious instruction?

Giddy-on's Bible.

Sunday, 29 March 2015

#1384

What did the hairdresser say to the chicken vendor?

"It's not about the nugget, it's about the lice."

Saturday, 28 March 2015

#1383

Awareness of the irony of the situation prevented the torture exhibition's staff from stopping ticket scalpers.

Friday, 27 March 2015

#1382

After compiling a montage of her different roles, Tereza began to reel in film roles.

Thursday, 26 March 2015

#1381

"After all, your Honour, it's called the e-con-omy. I rest my case."

Eros's career as a defense attorney for fraudsters was short-lived.

Wednesday, 25 March 2015

#1380

Amid their attempts to reduce the length of the soccer's official rule book, FIFA officials have been accused of attempting to cut corners.

Tuesday, 24 March 2015

#1379

British locals have been increasingly having children with African immigrants. Not since before the industrial revolution has the United Kingdom seen such a high number of black Smiths.

Monday, 23 March 2015

#1378

The police sergeant gazed glumly at the wall, which bore a lush covering of soapy bubbles, and sighed.

"I said I wanted you to think about a deterrent for graffiti, Gravener. Not detergent. Deterrent."

Sunday, 22 March 2015

#1377

What do you call the assessor of a shooting exam?

A marksman.

Saturday, 21 March 2015

#1376

It is conventional for a furry porn actor to have a skunk double.

Friday, 20 March 2015

#1375

A: I can't believe you cut off my water supply! This isn't funny, B.

B: I think you need to make more of an effort to understand my dry sense of humour.