Monday 31 August 2015
#1539
Merryl's brother hated sitting next to her on long flights. She would brag for hours about how well she played in her brass band. He always tried to walk up and down the aisle to avoid his deeply vain trombone sis.
Sunday 30 August 2015
Saturday 29 August 2015
#1537
A: What were you doing with the kittens?
B: I was trying to fool them into thinking that there would be milk.
A: Did it work?
B: Oh yes. They lapped it up.
B: I was trying to fool them into thinking that there would be milk.
A: Did it work?
B: Oh yes. They lapped it up.
Friday 28 August 2015
#1536
A: Why are you only having the main meal?
B: Because they said we can't have chips and salad, so it's safer to have neither.
A: Just pick one.
B: But one chef made the chips, and another one made the salad, so-
A: I swear to God, don't say-
B: I don't want to take sides.
[A pause.]
A: I hope you choke.
B: Because they said we can't have chips and salad, so it's safer to have neither.
A: Just pick one.
B: But one chef made the chips, and another one made the salad, so-
A: I swear to God, don't say-
B: I don't want to take sides.
[A pause.]
A: I hope you choke.
Thursday 27 August 2015
Wednesday 26 August 2015
#1534
The chancellor of the university was forced to retire after it became that he was no longer in control of his faculties.
Tuesday 25 August 2015
Monday 24 August 2015
#1532
What did the teacher say to the students at the Thieving Academy when giving a lesson on robbing a stationery shop?
"Take notes."
"Take notes."
Sunday 23 August 2015
#1531
Devastating weather ravaged South Korea today as attempts to create copies of the artist behind Gangnam Style led to horrifying Psy-clones.
Saturday 22 August 2015
Friday 21 August 2015
Thursday 20 August 2015
Wednesday 19 August 2015
Tuesday 18 August 2015
#1526
Elisabeth decided not to say anything when one of her sneakers fell apart; she felt that it would be wiser to hold her tongue.
Monday 17 August 2015
#1525
In this era, homosexuality was considered a mental illness - any people who were found to be gay were immediately placed in a straightjacket.
Sunday 16 August 2015
#1524
How does a cool person with lots of swag give other people their contact details?
On a ballin' card.
On a ballin' card.
Saturday 15 August 2015
Friday 14 August 2015
Thursday 13 August 2015
Wednesday 12 August 2015
#1520
Erika was initially enthusiastic about her career as an author, but after some years, the novelty wore off.
Tuesday 11 August 2015
#1519
The music was loud enough to make people feel sick; most audience members reported feeling noise-eous.
Monday 10 August 2015
Sunday 9 August 2015
Saturday 8 August 2015
#1516
As Gina contemplated how to end her relationship, she decided that destroying all of her boyfriend's suits would be a very clear way to break ties.
Friday 7 August 2015
Thursday 6 August 2015
#1514
A: Why did you shove a flower in my wound? Why would you do that?
B: I thought it would help to stem the flow of blood.
A: I'm in so much pain.
B: Stem, get it?
B: I thought it would help to stem the flow of blood.
A: I'm in so much pain.
B: Stem, get it?
Wednesday 5 August 2015
Tuesday 4 August 2015
#1512
The mafia boss gazed glumly at the large pile of tiny brushes on the table before him. He glanced at his youngest charge, who was standing to attention on the other side of the heap.
"It was hard, boss. Most people said they'd never heard of them. So I made them myself. They're specially designed to remove lint from the joints of fingers of any size, and I think I've made enough for the whole mob, boss," he concluded, beaming with pride.
The old gangster sighed.
"Fetch us knuckle dusters, I said, Jakey. Knuckle dusters."
"It was hard, boss. Most people said they'd never heard of them. So I made them myself. They're specially designed to remove lint from the joints of fingers of any size, and I think I've made enough for the whole mob, boss," he concluded, beaming with pride.
The old gangster sighed.
"Fetch us knuckle dusters, I said, Jakey. Knuckle dusters."
Monday 3 August 2015
Sunday 2 August 2015
Saturday 1 August 2015
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