Monday 31 August 2015

#1539

Merryl's brother hated sitting next to her on long flights. She would brag for hours about how well she played in her brass band. He always tried to walk up and down the aisle to avoid his deeply vain trombone sis.

Sunday 30 August 2015

#1538

A: Do you remember Quasimodo?

B: Yes, that rings a bell.

Saturday 29 August 2015

#1537

A: What were you doing with the kittens?

B: I was trying to fool them into thinking that there would be milk.

A: Did it work?

B: Oh yes. They lapped it up.

Friday 28 August 2015

#1536

A: Why are you only having the main meal?

B: Because they said we can't have chips and salad, so it's safer to have neither.

A: Just pick one.

B: But one chef made the chips, and another one made the salad, so-

A: I swear to God, don't say-

B: I don't want to take sides.

[A pause.]

A: I hope you choke.

Thursday 27 August 2015

#1535

What is a bird's favourite part of programming?

Nesting.

Wednesday 26 August 2015

#1534

The chancellor of the university was forced to retire after it became that he was no longer in control of his faculties.

Tuesday 25 August 2015

#1533

After facing poor ratings, the lumberjack reality show had to be axed.

Monday 24 August 2015

#1532

What did the teacher say to the students at the Thieving Academy when giving a lesson on robbing a stationery shop?

"Take notes."

Sunday 23 August 2015

#1531

Devastating weather ravaged South Korea today as attempts to create copies of the artist behind Gangnam Style led to horrifying Psy-clones.

Saturday 22 August 2015

#1530

What meteorological phenomenon causes old people to walk faster?

A hurry-cane.

Friday 21 August 2015

#1529

What do you call a portion of fat that is exhausting to chew?

Larduous.

Thursday 20 August 2015

#1528

What do you call the standard of a disorganised street vendor?

A chaosque.

Wednesday 19 August 2015

#1527

When should a period of mourning end?

In the afternoon.

Tuesday 18 August 2015

#1526

Elisabeth decided not to say anything when one of her sneakers fell apart; she felt that it would be wiser to hold her tongue.

Monday 17 August 2015

#1525

In this era, homosexuality was considered a mental illness - any people who were found to be gay were immediately placed in a straightjacket.

Sunday 16 August 2015

#1524

How does a cool person with lots of swag give other people their contact details?

On a ballin' card.

Saturday 15 August 2015

#1523

After raising her prices, the jeweller was accused of profit-earring.

Friday 14 August 2015

#1522

How do you stop people from looking through your windows?

Blind them.

Thursday 13 August 2015

#1521

Thierry initially enjoyed his skinny jeans, but after a while, they wore thin.

Wednesday 12 August 2015

#1520

Erika was initially enthusiastic about her career as an author, but after some years, the novelty wore off.

Tuesday 11 August 2015

#1519

The music was loud enough to make people feel sick; most audience members reported feeling noise-eous.

Monday 10 August 2015

#1518

Where do classical musicians jam?

At the conserve-atory.

Sunday 9 August 2015

#1517

Which writing utensil was originally designed for keeping score in sports?

The ballpoint pen.

Saturday 8 August 2015

#1516

As Gina contemplated how to end her relationship, she decided that destroying all of her boyfriend's suits would be a very clear way to break ties.

Friday 7 August 2015

#1515

What do you call an intersection strewn with discarded trash?

A junk-tion.

Thursday 6 August 2015

#1514

A: Why did you shove a flower in my wound? Why would you do that?

B: I thought it would help to stem the flow of blood.

A: I'm in so much pain.

B: Stem, get it?

Wednesday 5 August 2015

#1513

The communists believed that, once the right was proved wrong, only they would be left.

Tuesday 4 August 2015

#1512

The mafia boss gazed glumly at the large pile of tiny brushes on the table before him. He glanced at his youngest charge, who was standing to attention on the other side of the heap.

"It was hard, boss. Most people said they'd never heard of them. So I made them myself. They're specially designed to remove lint from the joints of fingers of any size, and I think I've made enough for the whole mob, boss," he concluded, beaming with pride.

The old gangster sighed.

"Fetch us knuckle dusters, I said, Jakey. Knuckle dusters."

Monday 3 August 2015

#1511

What do you call a religious awakening on the 29th of February?

A leap of faith.

Sunday 2 August 2015

#1510

What do you call a messy natural environment?

A shabbytat.

Saturday 1 August 2015

#1509

What do you call the correct posture for the Queen's Guard?

A stand-ard.