Thursday, 18 May 2017


A: Why will there be no post tomorrow?

B: I don't know, A. Why will there be no post tomorrow?

A: Because, after six years, four Bloggie nominations, and 2159 posts, the writer is concluding this blog.

B: You know, you're meant to answer questions with a pun here. Not just bragging.

A: I'm sorry!

B: We talked about this. We agreed you could do the last one. I gave you the set-up and everything.

A: I've never been much good at them.

B: Yeah, you're no pun.

A: There it is!

B: You liked a pun of mine?

A: The thing is, B - we're talking about how close to we are to the end. But I've realised, over these last six years, how close we are to a friend.

B: Aw. That's wholesome. Seems like the writer is in a better place than he was when he started this.

A: Hoo boy, he would not have been able to believe in such a pure and happy statement in those days.

B: I mean, how messed up do you have to be to start a pun blog?

[They both chuckle.]

A: We should thank the readers too.

B: Yes! Thank you for giving us a space to exist, and for helping the writer to learn that he could make things that other people would like and want.

A: What happens next, B?

B: We'll still have our chats - they might not always be recorded in the blog, but we'll exist where we always do.

A: And the writer?

B: I'm sure he'll keep playing with words, even if his thoughts don't appear here every day. He's ending Penguin on Porpoise, but he'll never stop punning on purpose.

[A and B walk off together into the sunset, and if they listen very carefully to the unusual disturbance in the lapping of the ocean to their side, they will hear a small, fat bird squawking with joy as it rides a large, smiling creature, up and down the length of the waves.]

Wednesday, 17 May 2017


"Why aren't we chasing after that board game? We know that he wrote his plans on the general knowledge questions."

Sherlock sighed.

"Elementary, my dear Watson. Our main clue is the letter with the directions to his hideout. That will lead us straight to our suspect, while tracing the path of the missing board game will merely add a summary offence to his list of charges."

"So it's not worth following that first?"

"No, Watson. That would be a trivial pursuit."

Tuesday, 16 May 2017


What do you call the linguistic philosophy of insulting the work of playwrights?


Monday, 15 May 2017


What did the cannibals call the cooked buttocks of the president?

Trump steak.

Sunday, 14 May 2017


What attracts metal and owns a lot of mines?

A mining magnet.

Saturday, 13 May 2017


A: I have never been so insulted in my life!

B: What happened?

A: They said that I was too stupid to organise a double date.

B: Well, you've never been much good at putting two and two together.

Friday, 12 May 2017


What did the customer who preferred very mild coffee say to the bartender who would only be working there for seven more days?

"One weak, to go."

Thursday, 11 May 2017


"My keen powers of observation are what allow me to court other owls," explained the owl, "you have to wit to woo."

Wednesday, 10 May 2017


Which formula one driver was known for autographing footwear?

Michael Shoe-marker.

Tuesday, 9 May 2017


Teacher: Use the word debasement in a sentence.

Student: Under de house, you will find de basement.

Monday, 8 May 2017


A: I've been enjoying remixes of my favourite songs without the lower instruments.

B: What a horrible act of de-bass-ment!

Sunday, 7 May 2017


What do you call a bad actor playing a cyber criminal?

A hack.

Saturday, 6 May 2017


Did you hear about the two whingers who fell in love?

It was lament to be.

Friday, 5 May 2017


When underwear is extremely cheap, the receipt is negligée-bill.

Thursday, 4 May 2017


When asked to comment on their view of Darth Maul, the Jedi decided to let Qui-Gons be Qui-gons.

Wednesday, 3 May 2017


How do rowing teams maintain a steady speed?

They use crews' control.

Tuesday, 2 May 2017


A: Did you see the news?

B: The plane crash?

A: Yes! It was horrifying. I could never be a flight attendant.

B: The good news is that there weren't any flight attendants on board by the end.

A: What do you mean?

B: As soon as a plane begins to dive, they officially become plight attendants.

Monday, 1 May 2017


As it reached the large intestine, the worm shivered with a wave of realisation; this was the beginning of the end.