Wednesday, 31 July 2013


What do you call a tax that guitarists pay for each musical idea?

A ta-riff.

Tuesday, 30 July 2013


A: You rank people according to how they cry?

B: Yes, indeed. You're pretty good, you're in the second highest tear.

Monday, 29 July 2013


Eugenia was very sensitive about the dirt under her nails. Any mention of it made her extremely an-gry.

Sunday, 28 July 2013


A: So, it looks like she's been working as a baby sitter?

B: Au-pair-ently.

Saturday, 27 July 2013


A: Be a dear and turn on the kettle.

B: Deer are typically incapable of operating household appliances.

Friday, 26 July 2013


What do you call the allowance given to the elderly for stationery expenses?


Thursday, 25 July 2013


A: They said that they would prefer the artwork on the wall at the top of the hill rather than the bottom, and they've paid us more than enough to paint it up there. We owe it to them.

B: I knew you would take the mural high ground.

Wednesday, 24 July 2013


As the rate of scientific discoveries increases, new physical models of the universe are a paradigm a dozen.

Tuesday, 23 July 2013


Before working at the Large Hadron Collider, applicants must undergo a long process of disCERNment.

Monday, 22 July 2013


A: I'm an avid collector of-

B: So am I!

A: Of what?

B: You just said it. Aphids.

Sunday, 21 July 2013


What do you call a secret, exclusive group of fruit growers?

An apricoterie.

Saturday, 20 July 2013


What did Kevin Rudd say when he realised that his fly was undone?

"I've got to zip."

Friday, 19 July 2013


A: I had a dream in which I was on a large revolving merry-go-round, with painful unresolved memories from my past being played out in the other seats. I was terrified. What do you think it means?

B: Don't go near airports.

A: Why?

B: You're clearly afraid of baggage carousels.

Thursday, 18 July 2013


Nata didn't think that she would enjoy fishing, but soon, she was hooked.

Wednesday, 17 July 2013


The truck driver stared flabbergasted at the gas station attendant, who was tenderly caressing his vehicle.

"Fill, not feel! I said, fill it up!"

Tuesday, 16 July 2013


A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse replies, "It's hard to be happy when you're wearing a sad-dle."

The alcoholic observing this does some serious thinking and quits drinking that very night.

Monday, 15 July 2013


What tree makes sick people more unwell?

A sick-a-more.

Sunday, 14 July 2013


A group of musicians who play their instruments with the bases of their hands instead of their fingers is known as a wristband.

Saturday, 13 July 2013


What sounds like striking a mallet and grabs people's attention when worn on the head?

A striking mullet.

Friday, 12 July 2013


What did the train driver say to the indecisive tourists who wanted to travel to another state?

"It's my way or the highway."

Thursday, 11 July 2013


A: Oh no! I've run out of hay!

B: Don't worry, I'll bale you out.

Wednesday, 10 July 2013

Tuesday, 9 July 2013


A: The strongest tremors were felt at the factory that produces anti-allergy injections.

B: I suppose you could call it the epicentre.

Monday, 8 July 2013


A: I'm having a great time in Rome.

B: Are you going to change your hair colour when you leave?

A: Why?

B: You know the saying. "See Rome and dye."

Sunday, 7 July 2013


What did the lapidary yell at the thieves as they ran away with his gems?

"Jewel regret this!"

Saturday, 6 July 2013


It is common to see nuns in a convent, since this is their natural habit-at.

Friday, 5 July 2013


Wallace claimed to have bronze skin, but no one could see any tan-gible proof.

Thursday, 4 July 2013


After a bitter dispute over who would keep the sweet sauce, the divorce court decided on joint custard-y.

Wednesday, 3 July 2013


Teacher: Use the word eiderdown in a sentence.

Student: A fluctuating value cannot stay the same - it must go eiderdown or up.

Tuesday, 2 July 2013


The Dutch businessman took out his social anxiety on his personal assistant. Whenever he met someone for the first time, he would shake Hans.

Monday, 1 July 2013


What did the Jedi drug dealer say to thwart the police from his illegal steroids?

"These aren't the roids you're looking for."