Tuesday 31 December 2013

Monday 30 December 2013

Sunday 29 December 2013

#929

Aravind avoided boiled sweets, as he tended to waste time choking on them - and he had no time for lollygagging.

Saturday 28 December 2013

#928

What kind of domestic animal lives on the floors of automobiles?

Car-pets.

Friday 27 December 2013

#927

What did the wireless pirate cry upon finding an internet connection?

"LAN ahoy!"

Thursday 26 December 2013

#926

"So the doctor says to me, make sure you get up and walk on the plane, or you'll be at risk of deep vein thrombosis! So I ask him why, and he says he doesn't have time to go into the reasons, so I say to him, I don't think you have any deep vein throm-basis. And he punches me."

Wednesday 25 December 2013

#925

For novice historians, confusing the dates of events that happened before and after the birth of Jesus is a fairly Common Error.

Tuesday 24 December 2013

#924

A: I would normally never let you into my house, B, but it's Christmas Eve. Come and stay with me. I only hope that the time you've spent homeless will have at least reduced your desire to make puns.

B: Thank you, A. But I should warn you: not even spending a week on the street could curb that.

A: Oh well. Try to restrain yourself. Merry Christmas, B.

[They walk off together.]

B: Hey, A?

A: Yes?

B: Have you read that best-selling autobiography of the woman who could not stay still?

A: I haven't even heard of it.

B: It's generally considered to be very moving.

A: Why me? Why, why, why?

B: Merry Christmas, A.

Monday 23 December 2013

#923

A: Have you had anything to eat since yesterday?

B: Oh, I managed to squirrel up something.

A: Squirrel up? That's not a thing.

B: Think about it.

A: I am, and it doesn't seem to make any-

B: I ate a squirrel, okay?

Sunday 22 December 2013

#922

A: I understand that you need to go through people's garbage, but could you not leave it in such a mess?

B: Would you say that I've scattered it?

A: Yes, that's exactly-

B: That I've trashed it?

Saturday 21 December 2013

#921

A: Did you find any food today?

B: I managed to rat out a thing or two.

Friday 20 December 2013

#920

A: How's life on the street?

B: It's a wonderfully eye-opening experience - although I think I might get tired of watching twilight every day.

Thursday 19 December 2013

#919

A: Could you please stop telling me about that warehouse sale? I'm trying to do some work, in case you hadn't noticed, and I don't need your interference.

B: Interference? More like inter-clearance!

A: Don't make me lash out at-

B: Lash? More like slashed prices!

A: It's not even your warehouse!

B: Not my warehouse? More like, where is my house?

A: You don't have a house right now, do you?

B: I don't have a house? More like I don't have much time to grab these crazy bargains!

A: They're not going to give you a place to stay just because you advertise their sale.

B: Homeless and desperate? More like, I'm holding out for all their cardboard boxes to build my new home!

A: You can stay with me if you promise not to make puns.

B: Promise not to make puns? More like, can't wait for my exciting new adventure on the streets!

Wednesday 18 December 2013

#918

Everyone at the morgue was nervous; they knew that they were undertaking a huge task.

Tuesday 17 December 2013

#917

Sabrina's idea for a new luxury aircraft was dismissed by the board as a mere flight of fancy.

Monday 16 December 2013

#916

The landscaping power tool inventor was developing a massive device to sand dunes.

Sunday 15 December 2013

#915

After her accident, the marine biologist had taken to carrying a mollusc wherever she went; now, she always walked with a limpet.

Saturday 14 December 2013

#914

Baffled by the condition, the dermatologist pored over all her reference books.

Friday 13 December 2013

#913

Having just moved from his home enclosure to a tank full of electric eels, Donato the clam was struggling with the culture shock.

Thursday 12 December 2013

#912

A: No, it's a ridiculous proposition. I will not invest in this crazy scheme of yours.

B: Aw, you're no fund.

Wednesday 11 December 2013

#911

What did the railroad pervert say upon reading a deeply tragic story?

"All aboard the feels train."

Tuesday 10 December 2013

#910

Having mist the place for many years, his memory was foggy.

Monday 9 December 2013

#909

The capacity for self-publication provided by the internet permits a highly competitive environment in which, for example, people making short films using their phones are all Vine for attention.

Sunday 8 December 2013

#908

You can't wear pantaloons. That breeches our dress code.

Saturday 7 December 2013

#907

"You know I hate innuendo. I can't believe you would al-lewd to such a thing."

Friday 6 December 2013

#906

If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, does that mean that the other trees aren't even listening? Perhaps this explains why the tree decided to fall in the first place.

Thursday 5 December 2013

#905

What do you call a small curved stick made shortly after World War II that returns to its thrower?

A baby boomerang.

Wednesday 4 December 2013

#904

Upon hearing the proposal, the mongrel had no choice but to con-cur.

Tuesday 3 December 2013

#903

What do you call someone who refuses to accept that a flood is happening?

Deluge-ional.

Monday 2 December 2013

Sunday 1 December 2013

Saturday 30 November 2013

#900

What does the small wolf say?

I don't know. Some kind of jack-call.

Friday 29 November 2013

#899

What did the choir director who was also a pirate say?

"Shiver me timbres!"

Thursday 28 November 2013

#898

The majority of the time taken to write a blog is spent in post production.

Wednesday 27 November 2013

#897

How Star Trek could have used font choices to save space:

"To go where no man has gone before."

Tuesday 26 November 2013

#896

People with synesthesia tend to associate Istanbul accents with a greenish-blue colour called turk-voice.

Monday 25 November 2013

#895

What process do vicars undergo to increase their lifespans?

Pastor-isation.

#894

Yesterday there was a small change in my six-pack muscles. Did you notice my ab-cents?

Saturday 23 November 2013

#893

What do you call someone who wanders without any specific direction?

A vague-abond.

Friday 22 November 2013

Thursday 21 November 2013

#891

"These young streams are too distracted by technology," lamented the old Nile. "They don't even reed any more."

Wednesday 20 November 2013

#890

The Olympic Athletes' Dinner was an embarrassing occasion; the tables were segregated by race.

Tuesday 19 November 2013

#889

Since the global recession, the men's fashion industry has been in de-Klein.

Monday 18 November 2013

#888

What do you call a book that is held together by magic?

Spellbound.

Sunday 17 November 2013

#887

Going several days without listening to Romantic-era music can leave some people Liszt-less.

Saturday 16 November 2013

#886

What do you call a thief who can't stop applauding?

A claptomaniac.

Friday 15 November 2013

#885

What do you call an involuntary spasm caused by Asperger's syndrome?

An autis-tic.

Thursday 14 November 2013

#884

The fisherman was surprised to find that, after hauling in his biggest catch ever, his net worth had decreased.

Wednesday 13 November 2013

#883

The chef's assistant was highly skilled at indicating the location of ingredients; he was an ideal kitchen pointer.

Tuesday 12 November 2013

#882

What is the name of the film genre that consists of tragic romances in futuristic settings?

Sigh-fi.

Monday 11 November 2013

#881

The dentist's apprentice had to sign her contract during a procedure; it was an in-denture indenture.

Sunday 10 November 2013

#880

How is food cooked in soap operas?

Using gasp-powered stoves.

Saturday 9 November 2013

#879

Since beginning to design costumes for musical theatre productions, the leather workers had significantly improved their belts.

Friday 8 November 2013

#878

Why did the band go to the cliffs for training?

They had heard that they would be able to find a rock formation there.

Thursday 7 November 2013

#877

He tried to sell me a bunch of canvases that had been randomly splashed with paint, but I wasn't going to pay so much for a pile of old Pollocks.

Wednesday 6 November 2013

#876

What do you call a pirate who steals a square-rigged ship?

A brigand.

Tuesday 5 November 2013

#875

A: Did you find out who burst the balloons?

B: No, I am yet to pop the question.

Monday 4 November 2013

#874

What did Poseidon do when the tenants living inside his sea monsters reached the end of their contracts?

RE-LEASE THE KRAKEN!

Sunday 3 November 2013

#873

Giovanna tried to add sugar to the mixture, but that only exacerbicated the problem.

#872

A: Why wasn't there a blog post on the second of November?

B: Because I wanted the readers to expect one, any second now, all day.

[Writer's note: I thought of this pun about three weeks ago and had to wait for the second of the month to use it.]

Friday 1 November 2013

#871

This letter is from a concerned resident who has been disturbed by the noise of the mating bees. In it, he bemoans the bee moans.

Thursday 31 October 2013

#870

"Mr Pell, do you have a motto?"

"Oh, yes, Doctor. Sharing is caring. That's my life motto."

"Because I have your test results, Mr Pell. You have syphilis."

Wednesday 30 October 2013

#869

Vincent van Gogh found the ghostly apparition earily familiar.

Tuesday 29 October 2013

#868

Which famous building is the most popular spot for suicides?

The I-fell Tower.

Monday 28 October 2013

#867

"I swear, Skrillex, if you do that one more time, you'll be out of the choir! You shouldn't even be trying to pick up the bass, let alone dropping him!"

Sunday 27 October 2013

#866

In the past, Iulia had found it hard to keep track of medieval Japanese military nobility, but this presentation had neatly Samuraised it for her.

Saturday 26 October 2013

#865

Adrian, an avid Dominion player, switched from Facebook to Google's social network in the hope of some plus action.

Friday 25 October 2013

#864

"Please," begged the Mediterranean baker, "take pita on me!"

Thursday 24 October 2013

#863

A A Milne's first attempts at selling his work to publishers were met with much pooh-poohing.

Wednesday 23 October 2013

Tuesday 22 October 2013

#861

What do you call a homeless person upon whom people are jumping?

A trampoline.

Monday 21 October 2013

#860

The princess, ever a photography enthusiast, kissed the frog, hoping it would turn into some handsome prints.

Sunday 20 October 2013

#859

A: People can still walk around for several hours after losing their intestines.

B: That would be a gutless wander.

Saturday 19 October 2013

#858

A: Have you seen the headlines? The psychiatric hospital has been secretly being electrocuting patients.

B: Oh no! That's shocking news!

Friday 18 October 2013

#857

Kurt felt offended by the association; his replies were always polite, gentle, and elaborate.

Thursday 17 October 2013

#856

"I'll have some of the liquid remaining after curdling and straining milk."

"Eat in or take a-whey?"

Wednesday 16 October 2013

#855

Which Eastern European country is named for its impressive fungal growths?

Mouldova.

Tuesday 15 October 2013

#854

Having her trip diverted to a county in South West England made Suzy Bristol with rage.

Monday 14 October 2013

#853

The barber decided to have a discounted happy hour. He called it Daylight Shaving Time.

Sunday 13 October 2013

#852

Which Dickens novel told the story of a backpacker who was torn between comfortable sofas in different houses?

A Tale of Two Settees.

Saturday 12 October 2013

#851

What's metal, has four prongs, and probably won't understand this joke?

A fork.

Friday 11 October 2013

#850

Why did the lawyer buy a scratching post?

To sharpen his clause.

Thursday 10 October 2013

#849

James the hunter knew that his upper body strength was insufficient; he was going to have to lift his game.

Wednesday 9 October 2013

#848

What can be found in the kitchen of an Indian convent?

Lots of naan.

Tuesday 8 October 2013

#847

A: Two of the people I've invited are pansexual. Do you know what that means?

B: Not exactly, but I'm not letting them near my kitchen.

Monday 7 October 2013

#846

What is the favourite cocktail of Hawaiian evangelical Christians?

Sects on the Beach.

Sunday 6 October 2013

#845

What kind of cheese tastes like Italian bacon when cooked?

Pan-cheddar.

Saturday 5 October 2013

#844

After two years of downsizing departments, Apple is still mourning the loss of Jobs.

Friday 4 October 2013

#843

In his youth, the butterfly had been a cater-pillar of the community.

Thursday 3 October 2013

#842

What do you call a sad piece of intestinal bacteria?

Melan-coli.

Wednesday 2 October 2013

#841

The government of the United States of America has been shut down temporarily; this is known as a Cong-rest.

Tuesday 1 October 2013

#840

The incision was precise; it revealed exactly what he wanted to see. "Gland ahoy," cried the ship's surgeon.

The first mate was seasick for the first time in her life, and, despite being under anaesthetic, the patient winced.

Monday 30 September 2013

#839

"Look at that dentist. Look at that sickeningly smug Pharisee, thinking he can lecture all of us about oral hygiene from atop his salivary tower."

Sunday 29 September 2013

Saturday 28 September 2013

#837

"Here's mine. What do you think, professor?"

Radeya recoiled from the mass of flesh on her desk, still dripping with blood. She looked up at Simonetta, who was beaming proudly, and reflected that she should have given some clarification to her most literal-minded student when asking the class to design a coat of arms.

Friday 27 September 2013

#836

A: Why don't you like baseball?

B: It's just not cricket.

Thursday 26 September 2013

#835

I considered making a pun about traditional English pastries, but I didn't want to sound Cornish.

Wednesday 25 September 2013

#834

As the sheep looked sadly at the bucket full of her wool, she reflected that her predicament was shear bad luck.

Tuesday 24 September 2013

#833

What did the fisherwoman say to her ex-boyfriend?

"If you liked it then you should have put herring on it."

Monday 23 September 2013

#832

The nature of addiction means that people who begin to undertake behaviours such as self-harm or taking drugs feel often compelled to continue in that vein.

Sunday 22 September 2013

#831

If you lack confidence, try taking a bath - it might improve your self esteam.

Saturday 21 September 2013

Friday 20 September 2013

#829

A: Do you know anything about units of computer memory?

B: I know a bit.

Thursday 19 September 2013

#828

The three-dimensional model of the disaster was extremely graphic; it was quite a dire-rama.

Wednesday 18 September 2013

Tuesday 17 September 2013

#826

In the aftermath of the nuclear accident, the Ukrainian workers performed many Cher-noble acts of courage.

Monday 16 September 2013

#825

Diana was always modest about her ability to both build and play brass instruments - she didn't like to blow her own horn.

Sunday 15 September 2013

#824

A: Do you think you can make a shoe by tomorrow?

B: I'm sure I can cobble something together.

Saturday 14 September 2013

#823

A: I don't like Robert Tapert's Warrior Princess franchise.

B: Stop being so Xena-phobic.

Friday 13 September 2013

#822

A: How's your holiday in England going?

B: Terrible! No one told me about the currency, so I have to go fishing.

A: What? Why?

B: I tried to buy some food and the guy in the shop said that it would cost six squid.

A: You mean quid.

B: Well, hark at the naysayer. I will not quit. I will catch a squid. Or three hundred.

A: Quid means pound. The currency is pounds.

B: Pounds? How can pounds possibly be a currency? How many are there in England? How many squid do I need to catch to buy a whole pound? If I just round up a bunch of stray animals, will that qualify as a pound? How many animals do you need before you can call it a pound?

A: You know what? Forget what I said. Go catch some squid. Use your tongue as bait.

B: I have some inkling of how it's done.

A: Do you now?

B: Get it? Inkling? Because of squid ink? I was eating some squid earlier today when I thought of that pun.

A: You were eating squid? How did you acquire it?

B: I bought it.

A: You did what?

B: Oh, yeah, I know what pounds and quid mean. I just wanted to make the squid and inkling pun. I guess you -

A: I hate you.

B: - took the bait.

Thursday 12 September 2013

#821

A: My dog's been really sad after its accident.

B: If you want to cheer it up, why don't you take it for a walk?

A: Have you completely missed the events of the last two days? It lost three of its legs.

B: In that case, why don't you take it for a spin?

Wednesday 11 September 2013

#820

A: Help me, B! My legs are caught in the whirlpool! Do something!

B: Relax, A. Don't get your trousers in a twist.

Tuesday 10 September 2013

#819

"I brought the spinal samples, like you asked," said the intern, indicating the box. David looked at her and chuckled. The kid had some nerve.

Monday 9 September 2013

#818

A: I feel awful. Today the doctor gave me a laxative.

B: Laxative? More like lacks-control.

A: I hate you.

B: Lacks control of your bowels, because-

A: I GOT IT.

Sunday 8 September 2013

#817

When is it cannibalism for a human to eat a fish?

When the human's name is Finn.

Saturday 7 September 2013

#816

A: There's a fire in the tropical rainforest!

B: Oh no! It must be a real in-fern-o!

Friday 6 September 2013

#815

A: My doctor said that I have extremely high cholesterol.

B: Why do they call it cholesterol?

A: Does it matter? I'm really worried about my health.

B: I mean, when there's too much, wouldn't it make more sense to call it cho-more-terol?

Thursday 5 September 2013

#814

EXACT CASH ONLY

Bridget shook her head at the sign and sighed. "Some things never change."

Wednesday 4 September 2013

#813

"The prosecution would like to present evidence that the accused did indeed commit acts of indecent exposure from his car. It's all here on our flash drive."

Tuesday 3 September 2013

#812

A: I am very unsatisfied with my manicurist.

B: Maybe you should file a complaint.

Monday 2 September 2013

#811

What do you call an amicable bond formed at sea?

Friend-ship.

Sunday 1 September 2013

#810

A: My monitor doesn't seem to be working.

B: Don't worry, I can gra-fix it.

Saturday 31 August 2013

#809

What is the term for simplified depiction of African culture by a medieval travelling entertainer?

Minstrelry.

Friday 30 August 2013

#808

A: Bamboo becomes more endangered every year.

B: Oh no! This will result in utter panda-moan-ium!

Thursday 29 August 2013

#807

A: I've had enough of you and your word games.

B: Don't worry, I'm done with those. I just want to hang, man.

Wednesday 28 August 2013

#806

What is the term for a face that has been wrecked by the rough tongue of a predator?

Dere-licked.

Tuesday 27 August 2013

#805

A: You haven't even begun to prepare for your speech on cruelty to race horses!

B: Don't worry, I can whip something together in no time.

Monday 26 August 2013

#804

Which Chinese philosopher is famous for his teachings on blending herbal tea?

Infucius.

Sunday 25 August 2013

#803

Why did the burglar wear a cloak?

To make a speedy es-cape.

Saturday 24 August 2013

#802

A: I've actually swallowed poison, okay? This is serious! So can you stop making jokes about it?

B: I'm sorry, I was only speaking ingest.

Friday 23 August 2013

#801

A: Watch out for that font. It makes kerning hell.

B: Don't worry - I know the type.

Thursday 22 August 2013

#800

A: Are you coming to the funeral?

B: I can't come, I have to go to a stag night.

A: Who's the groom?

B: No one's getting married. I'm going hunting.

A: You sicken me.

B: Do you know what a stag does if you shoot its leg?

A: I don't want-

B: It staggers.

Wednesday 21 August 2013

#799

Where do large African herbivorous mammals study neuroscience degrees?

At a hippocampus.

Tuesday 20 August 2013

#798

What did the herd say to the pig who arrived last and missed out on food?

"Trough luck."

Monday 19 August 2013

#797

"All these ropes are slack! Didn't you learn how to tie knots at maritime school?"

The apprentice hung his head.

"They never taut me, sir."

Sunday 18 August 2013

#796

A: Come on and stick your feet in the water.

B: I do not intend to dabble in such matters.

Saturday 17 August 2013

#795

A: Did you see what just happened in the street? A pregnant woman got hit by a car!

B: Now that's what I call a baby bump.

Friday 16 August 2013

Thursday 15 August 2013

#793

The sound effect created by scrubbing skin is called ex-foley-ation.

Wednesday 14 August 2013

#792

Poleana had handled large herds before, but the enormous number in front of her was more than she could muster.

Tuesday 13 August 2013

#791

Male horses are rarely fit to lead a council, but female horses make excellent mayors.

Monday 12 August 2013

#790

Jana never missed an opportunity for hunting; she was always game.

Sunday 11 August 2013

#789

The revolutionary never took a break from her mission; she was a rebel without a pause.

Saturday 10 August 2013

#788

The architect's proposed design for outdoor seating failed to meet the council's benchmark.

Friday 9 August 2013

Thursday 8 August 2013

#786

What kind of dance involves substituting translated dialogue for the original audio in foreign films?

Dubstep.

Wednesday 7 August 2013

#785

What did the bachelor frog tell his guests upon arrival at his home?

"Welcome to my pad."

Tuesday 6 August 2013

#784

Mauro tried to take a clear photograph of the wheat, but he could only get grainy images.

Monday 5 August 2013

#783

Who was the most esteemed French knight of all?

Sir Render.

Sunday 4 August 2013

#782

Nina suggested travelling by plane, but the idea didn't fly with the board.

Saturday 3 August 2013

#781

Years of driving through the mountains had given Letizia tunnel vision.

Friday 2 August 2013

#780

The male underwear model found it difficult to talk about his career in brief.

Thursday 1 August 2013

#779

A: It's chaotic in women's wear! I might stay here at the registers for a while.

B: That's right, just wait until it blouse over.

Wednesday 31 July 2013

#778

What do you call a tax that guitarists pay for each musical idea?

A ta-riff.

Tuesday 30 July 2013

#777

A: You rank people according to how they cry?

B: Yes, indeed. You're pretty good, you're in the second highest tear.

Monday 29 July 2013

#776

Eugenia was very sensitive about the dirt under her nails. Any mention of it made her extremely an-gry.

Sunday 28 July 2013

#775

A: So, it looks like she's been working as a baby sitter?

B: Au-pair-ently.

Saturday 27 July 2013

#774

A: Be a dear and turn on the kettle.

B: Deer are typically incapable of operating household appliances.

Friday 26 July 2013

#773

What do you call the allowance given to the elderly for stationery expenses?

Pen-sion.

Thursday 25 July 2013

#772

A: They said that they would prefer the artwork on the wall at the top of the hill rather than the bottom, and they've paid us more than enough to paint it up there. We owe it to them.

B: I knew you would take the mural high ground.

Wednesday 24 July 2013

#771

As the rate of scientific discoveries increases, new physical models of the universe are a paradigm a dozen.

Tuesday 23 July 2013

#770

Before working at the Large Hadron Collider, applicants must undergo a long process of disCERNment.

Monday 22 July 2013

#769

A: I'm an avid collector of-

B: So am I!

A: Of what?

B: You just said it. Aphids.

Sunday 21 July 2013

#768

What do you call a secret, exclusive group of fruit growers?

An apricoterie.

Saturday 20 July 2013

#767

What did Kevin Rudd say when he realised that his fly was undone?

"I've got to zip."

Friday 19 July 2013

#766

A: I had a dream in which I was on a large revolving merry-go-round, with painful unresolved memories from my past being played out in the other seats. I was terrified. What do you think it means?

B: Don't go near airports.

A: Why?

B: You're clearly afraid of baggage carousels.

Thursday 18 July 2013

#765

Nata didn't think that she would enjoy fishing, but soon, she was hooked.

Wednesday 17 July 2013

#764

The truck driver stared flabbergasted at the gas station attendant, who was tenderly caressing his vehicle.

"Fill, not feel! I said, fill it up!"

Tuesday 16 July 2013

#763

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse replies, "It's hard to be happy when you're wearing a sad-dle."

The alcoholic observing this does some serious thinking and quits drinking that very night.

Monday 15 July 2013

#762

What tree makes sick people more unwell?

A sick-a-more.

Sunday 14 July 2013

#761

A group of musicians who play their instruments with the bases of their hands instead of their fingers is known as a wristband.

Saturday 13 July 2013

#760

What sounds like striking a mallet and grabs people's attention when worn on the head?

A striking mullet.

Friday 12 July 2013

#759

What did the train driver say to the indecisive tourists who wanted to travel to another state?

"It's my way or the highway."

Thursday 11 July 2013

#758

A: Oh no! I've run out of hay!

B: Don't worry, I'll bale you out.

Wednesday 10 July 2013

Tuesday 9 July 2013

#756

A: The strongest tremors were felt at the factory that produces anti-allergy injections.

B: I suppose you could call it the epicentre.

Monday 8 July 2013

#755

A: I'm having a great time in Rome.

B: Are you going to change your hair colour when you leave?

A: Why?

B: You know the saying. "See Rome and dye."

Sunday 7 July 2013

#754

What did the lapidary yell at the thieves as they ran away with his gems?

"Jewel regret this!"

Saturday 6 July 2013

#753

It is common to see nuns in a convent, since this is their natural habit-at.

Friday 5 July 2013

#752

Wallace claimed to have bronze skin, but no one could see any tan-gible proof.

Thursday 4 July 2013

#751

After a bitter dispute over who would keep the sweet sauce, the divorce court decided on joint custard-y.

Wednesday 3 July 2013

#750

Teacher: Use the word eiderdown in a sentence.

Student: A fluctuating value cannot stay the same - it must go eiderdown or up.

Tuesday 2 July 2013

#749

The Dutch businessman took out his social anxiety on his personal assistant. Whenever he met someone for the first time, he would shake Hans.

Monday 1 July 2013

#748

What did the Jedi drug dealer say to thwart the police from his illegal steroids?

"These aren't the roids you're looking for."

Sunday 30 June 2013

#747

For many years, the British pronunciation of the term for a personal attendant was considered to be in-valet by the French.

Saturday 29 June 2013

#746

Throughout Asia, people often get confused between gruff local fishermen and their catch. It is notoriously difficult to distinguish between crusty Asians and their crustaceans.

Friday 28 June 2013

#745

What device do the police use to detect child molesters?

A pedometer.

Thursday 27 June 2013

#744

Why couldn't the Chinese fruit grower communicate with the Chinese chorister?

One of them spoke Mandarin while the other spoke Cantor-nese.

Wednesday 26 June 2013

#743

In an attempt to be more sensitive towards survivors of gunshot wounds, the police were trained to announce a trigger warning before firing.

Tuesday 25 June 2013

Monday 24 June 2013

#741

Which surgical instrument is used to cut open the flesh that covers the skull?

A scalp-el.

Sunday 23 June 2013

#740

Robert's attempt to assist the group of musicians was dismissed as a band-aid solution.

Saturday 22 June 2013

#739

The dyslexic historian thought that Russia had once been ruled by linen.

Friday 21 June 2013

#738

Elspeth tried to find the missing bandage, but eventually she decided that it was a lost gauze.

Thursday 20 June 2013

#737

The experience of living under an leaky roof taught the children about the importance of a good sealing.

Wednesday 19 June 2013

Tuesday 18 June 2013

#735

On what material does one write at the beach?

Sandpaper.

Monday 17 June 2013

#734

A: Should I be worried about not having a jumper?

B: Nah, don't sweater it.

Sunday 16 June 2013

#733

A: Did you ask her if she had put a tap into the wine barrel?

B: I didn't know how to broach the topic.

Saturday 15 June 2013

#732

Whenever she overheard someone else's conversation, Eve lost all bowel control. Her habit of listening in became known as Eve's droppings.

Friday 14 June 2013

#731

Musical chairs in Buckingham Palace: the original Game of Thrones.

Thursday 13 June 2013

#730

A: Why do you have a ramp instead of stairs?

B: Because that's how I roll.

Wednesday 12 June 2013

#729

Years of experience working on the streets had made Michelle very prost-astute.

Tuesday 11 June 2013

#728

The biggest ram in the flock fixed the farmer with a steely gaze.

"We herd you the first time."

Monday 10 June 2013

#727

She claimed that she wasn't interested in One Direction, but it was obvious that she was in de-Niall.

Sunday 9 June 2013

#726

How do New Zealand beer makers greet each other?

"Hey, brew!"

Saturday 8 June 2013

#725

The gossip columnist thought that Brad and Angelina's family was the pits.

Friday 7 June 2013

#724

What do you call it when a gun dealer browses through a sodium collection?

A salt rifle.

Thursday 6 June 2013

#723

"In this classroom, we use metric units. I will make you forget the imperial system, even if I have to pound it out of you!"

Wednesday 5 June 2013

#722

What device only plays records with syntactically correct lyrics?

A grammar-phone.

Tuesday 4 June 2013

#721

"We're worried about our daughter," explained the cannibal. "She's been off her face for a week - and face is her favourite!"

Monday 3 June 2013

#720

To inexperienced farmers, ploughing can be a harrowing experience.

Sunday 2 June 2013

#719

Where do choristers store their wine?

In a de-cantor.

#718

A: Why wasn't there a post yesterday?

B: The mailmen were on strike.

A: Did you actually break the blog schedule just to make that pun?

B: Nothing is sacred.

Friday 31 May 2013

#717

I would make a joke about the impecunious water-surrounded nation, but that would poor-isle humour.

Thursday 30 May 2013

#716

"Now, you gotta make some effort to sell these drugs, Tommy," drawled the mobster, "but nothing too drastic. Don't push it."

Wednesday 29 May 2013

Tuesday 28 May 2013

#714

Emotionally expressive cat owners enjoy talking about their felines.

Monday 27 May 2013

#713

I would make a joke about sadomasochistic bestial necrophilia, but that would be flogging a dead horse.

Sunday 26 May 2013

Saturday 25 May 2013

#711

What were the bus conductor's parting words?

"Fare thee well."

Friday 24 May 2013

#710

Richard the famous physicist was generally considered to be a Fine man.

Thursday 23 May 2013

#709

The belly dancing instructor preferred to be known as a navel commander.

Wednesday 22 May 2013

#708

Colin the cricket umpire was a messy eater at the best of times, but since he had started bringing honey and marmalade sandwiches to work, the players had found themselves on a rather sticky wicket.

Tuesday 21 May 2013

#707

A: He spiked their drinks with sleeping pills.

B: That's sop-horrific!

Monday 20 May 2013

#706

The politician's promise to import brightly coloured neotropical birds with large beaks was dismissed by many as empty toucanism.

Sunday 19 May 2013

Saturday 18 May 2013

#704

A: Why are you avoiding me?

B: I heard it was your berth-day.

Friday 17 May 2013

#703

The Middle Eastern baker reflected that the best thing about having kids was waking up to the pita patter of little feet.

Thursday 16 May 2013

Wednesday 15 May 2013

#701

For Josh, the most uncomfortable aspect of changing his guitar strings was the tension it created.

Tuesday 14 May 2013

#700

No matter how widely he opened his mouth, the cannibalistic lion could not swallow his pride.

Monday 13 May 2013

Sunday 12 May 2013

#698

What beverage was used as an instrument throughout 80s pop songs?

Ab-synth.

Saturday 11 May 2013

#697

How do bakers challenge each other's credibility?

"Do you even sift, bro?"

Friday 10 May 2013

#696

A: Did all the self-absorbed people find adjacent chairs?

B: Yes, they are con-seated.

Thursday 9 May 2013

#695

The mirror couldn't help showing people images of themselves. It was a reflects action.

Wednesday 8 May 2013

#694

How do you spot radiologists at a party?

They're the ones scanning the room.

Tuesday 7 May 2013

#693

Why was King Solomon often asked to resolve conflicts?

He was an excellent ad-Jew-dicator.

Monday 6 May 2013

#692

One year ago, Millicent wouldn't have had the confidence to lift a large rock, but since she'd started moving small and medium-sized stones, she had been getting boulder.

Sunday 5 May 2013

#691

Have you heard the one about the computer that could stop time? It never gets old.

Saturday 4 May 2013

#690

What happened when the bread maker took drugs?

He got baked.

Friday 3 May 2013

#689

A: He doesn't want any of our minerals.

B: Well, less phos for him, more phos for us.

Thursday 2 May 2013

#688

Teacher: Use the word dispersion in a sentence.

Student: Dispersion is from Tehran, but that Persian is from Isfahan.

Wednesday 1 May 2013

#687

After 20 years working in a pencil shop, Gladys felt that her career was stationary.

Tuesday 30 April 2013

#686

The Jewish community in Japan has established a Whaling Wall.

Monday 29 April 2013

#685

A: These small nails are really ugly.

B: Are you saying that they look tacky?

Sunday 28 April 2013

#684

What word appears at the end of any film about sharks?

Fin.

Saturday 27 April 2013

#683

What did the madam say when her girls returned to work after a holiday?

"Long time, no D."

Friday 26 April 2013

#682

What do you call someone who sells narcotics from a bicycle?

A drug peddler.

Thursday 25 April 2013

#681

Composers who use too many triplets tend to be arrested and kept inside a compound.

Wednesday 24 April 2013

Tuesday 23 April 2013

#679

A: My ballroom dancing teacher says that I'm an absolute failure.

B: Don't worry, A. There are plenty of other dances you can try. An abun-dance, if you will.

[Pause. A crunching sound.]

B: For example, you excel at high kicks.

Monday 22 April 2013

Sunday 21 April 2013

#677

The dictator was tired of improper male geese. It was time for some propaganda.

Saturday 20 April 2013

#676

Marina was disappointed by the lack of interest in her warm baked goods business - she had expected them to sell like hot cakes.

Friday 19 April 2013

#675

Given his name, the music of Carcassi is surprisingly lively.

Thursday 18 April 2013

Wednesday 17 April 2013

#673

Having just arrived at the Manhattan statistics conference, Tessa was in an empirical state of mind.

Tuesday 16 April 2013

#672

Robin's parents intervened as soon as he started modifying their front fence - they knew that it could be a gateway to more serious construction projects.

Monday 15 April 2013

#671

I want to write books about a nineteenth century German philosopher, but I'm afraid that it would only appeal to a Nietzsche market.

Sunday 14 April 2013

#670

A: You only sell tickets at a fixed price? What about discounts for children, students, or seniors?

B: I'm afraid that we make no such concessions.

Saturday 13 April 2013

#669

"They're running out of plastic tubes intended for transferring a beverage from its container to the mouth of the drinker by use of suction? This is the last straw!"

Friday 12 April 2013

Thursday 11 April 2013

#667

"It's elementary, my dear Watson. At seven o'clock that morning, he was searching for his missing deodorant. At eight o'clock, he was found dead on his bathroom floor. Well, that very same bottle of deodorant is on this table. There is no mystery to this murder, Watson. Right before our eyes, we have the missing Lynx."

Wednesday 10 April 2013

#666

In what shape is hay served to Cattle-ics?

In a Christian Bale.

Tuesday 9 April 2013

#665

What did Lady Macbeth say while doing her laundry?

"Out, damned spot! out, I say!"

Monday 8 April 2013

#664

Noah had included a private cabin so that he would have a space to himself when the animals arked up too much.

Sunday 7 April 2013

#663

After quitting her job as a human rotating clothes rack, a position she had held for the past twenty years, Erin was dismayed to find that her old colleagues were calling her a turncoat.

Saturday 6 April 2013

Friday 5 April 2013

#661

Many asthma sufferers find the traditions of the Vatican to be incense-itive.

Thursday 4 April 2013

#660

What do company executives play to relax after meetings?

Board games.

Wednesday 3 April 2013

#659

Odette had everything she needed to take the revolution to the capital - the numbers, the spirit, the timing. The only obstacle that stood in her way was the marshland, which had risen above the road after the deluge. She was a rebel without a causeway.

Tuesday 2 April 2013

#658

A: Why do you always give me a clock for my birthday?

B: Because there's no time like the present.

Monday 1 April 2013

#657

Which novel by Leo Tolstoy told the tragic tale of a ceramic vessel flute's affair with a Count?

Ana Ocarin-ina.

Sunday 31 March 2013

#656

The aging mobster was so shocked by the sudden entry of police into his den that he suffered a heart attack. It was later referred to as a cardiac arrest.

Saturday 30 March 2013

#655

Most of the time, it was an ordinary house; but, every full moon, it was transformed into a warehouse.

Friday 29 March 2013

Thursday 28 March 2013

#653

Critics agreed that the greatest strength of Slumdog Millionaire was the caste.

Wednesday 27 March 2013

#652

A: Would you like to learn how to tie together thin strings of timber?

B: I wood knot.

Tuesday 26 March 2013

Monday 25 March 2013

#650

What did the beaver say when he learned that his home river was being affected by global warming?

"Hot dam!"

Sunday 24 March 2013

#649

What did the plumber say when the electrical supplies company gave her free advertising?

"Thanks for the plug."

Saturday 23 March 2013

#648

As the Japanese gardeners charged, their blood-curdling scream rang around the valley.

"BONSAIIIIII!"

Friday 22 March 2013

#647

What did Goldilocks eat at the house of the Three Bears?

Paw-ridge.

Thursday 21 March 2013

#646

A: Do I have copyright permission to use any of these photos?

B: You can use the photo of the goods in store, the photo of the cattle, the photo of the powdered beef, and the photo of the tree trunk - they're all stock images.

Wednesday 20 March 2013

#645

Fiona found her new, well-fitting gloves very useful; they were very handy.

Tuesday 19 March 2013

#644

Teacher: Use the word accord in a sentence.

Student: I need to tie up this bundle of sticks, but I don't have accord.

Monday 18 March 2013

#643

Employer: It says here that you worked as an engineer.

Candidate: Yes, my work there was in remote operations. As the lead engineer, I coordinated overseas projects.

Employer: More like an engi-far.

Candidate: I no longer want this job.

Sunday 17 March 2013

Saturday 16 March 2013

#641

"Did you cook Megan's meal first just because she's a vegetarian? I can't believe you'd put herbivore me."

Friday 15 March 2013

#640

As an actress, Jennifer was one of the very best at crying; she knew that she was definitely ranked in the top tear.

Thursday 14 March 2013

#639

An alleged quarrel between the former Pope Benedict XVI and the newly elected Pope Francis I has been reported, but journalists remain uncertain of the motives for this pon-tiff.

Wednesday 13 March 2013

#638

The sergeant gazed glumly at the large pile of floppy hats before him. He glanced at his youngest charge, who was standing to attention next to the heap.

"It was hard, sir. Especially here in Afghanistan, sir. But I managed to find enough for the whole squad sir," he concluded, beaming with pride.

The sergeant sighed.

"Fetch us Berettas, I said, Private Gorton. Not berets, Berettas."

Tuesday 12 March 2013

#637

Today on Unusual Collectors, we met Larry, who keeps a stache of facial hair.

Monday 11 March 2013

#636

Penny was partial to Swiss cheese; she found it very holesome.

Sunday 10 March 2013

#635

The lawn maintenance group, like many other community collectives, considered itself a grassroots movement.

Saturday 9 March 2013

#634

Gabriel the perfumer was having problems with his emails - he couldn't access the scent items.

Friday 8 March 2013

#633

Emma liked to use her freerunning skills to spy on her colleagues. This earned her the nickname "nosy parkour".

Thursday 7 March 2013

#632

Many banks have begun to offer carpenters a vault in which to store any spare bits of wood. These are known as shavings accounts.

Wednesday 6 March 2013

#631

Mathematician A: What's your favourite inequality?

Mathematician B: Racism.

Tuesday 5 March 2013

#630

Teacher: Use the word supersede in a sentence.

Student: You can grow an epic plant if you have a supersede.

Monday 4 March 2013

#629

The hens formed an association in order to lobby together for more corn. It was called the Chicken Co-op.

Sunday 3 March 2013

#628

Most people thought that Boris was a clear favourite to win the World Drooling Championships. However, he did not live up to expectorations.

Saturday 2 March 2013

#627

Arnaud had established a shop dedicated solely to disgusting fruit and vegetables. It was to be called a grosserie.

Friday 1 March 2013

#626

What did Jesus say when he secured a sports broadcast for his network?

"I have come that they may have live coverage, and have it to the fullest."

Thursday 28 February 2013

#625

On his first day of work as the music teacher at a special needs school, Renzo learned that shouting, "Ritard!" was not the best way to tell the students to play slowly.

Wednesday 27 February 2013

#624

After forty years of peeling lemons, Ariane still retained her zest for life.

Tuesday 26 February 2013

#623

High ambient temperature can hasten the spoiling process. Seafood is particularly prawn to this.

Monday 25 February 2013

#622

The Church of Coconut was in uproar. One of their fundamental precepts was the sacredness of moisture. Yet, here before their very eyes, lay a desecrated coconut.

Sunday 24 February 2013

#621

What did Gandalf say to the computer programmer?

"You shall not parse."

Saturday 23 February 2013

#620

Employer: It says here that you worked in Her Majesty's gardens.

Candidate: Yes, I was an assistant to the Royal Gardener, and worked in one of the hedge-trimming sectors.

Employer: Using hedge-trimming secateurs?

Candidate: I no longer want this job.

Friday 22 February 2013

#619

"I don't understand it. I'm calm, caring, and warm. I have years of experience as a nurse. I look after my patients better than anyone else. I do everything for them! I'm the very model of a midwife, and yet all my patients get nervous around me. What am I doing wrong?"

"I expect they're just nervous to be around a nurse with such a tremendous reputation, Miss Carriage."

Thursday 21 February 2013

#618

A: We know that Cathy's cheating. But how do we prove it?

B: Our only option is to Catherine the act.

A: We are no longer working together on this.

Wednesday 20 February 2013

#617

Tracy, a former gangster-rapping cave explorer, reflected that his language hadn't changed much since he had become a contract lawyer. Where once he might have said, "Where's that cave at?" he now asked, "Where's that caveat?"

Tuesday 19 February 2013

#616

What did John Lennon say to his wife when the Beatles split?

"Ono!"

Monday 18 February 2013

#615

What is the most famous hymn of the Church of Uranium?

Be Thou My Fission

Sunday 17 February 2013

#614

After examining the work of Newton and Leibniz, I find it hard to differentiate between the two.

Saturday 16 February 2013

Friday 15 February 2013

#612

"So the butler had been dancing with pickles on Dutch privateers."

It was all falling into place. Susan the detective had got to the bottom of these curious capers.

Thursday 14 February 2013

#611

Yes, it was a strange city. Yes, she had never worked on a drug case before. Yes, they had sent her here with no evidence or intelligence whatsoever. Yet, as Susan the detective stepped off the train, she knew exactly which way to walk. If there was one thing she had learned in her years with the police, it was that every city has a High St. And that that's where the drugs are.

Wednesday 13 February 2013

#610

Henry VIII loved sports cars - his whole family preferred Tudor vehicles to four-door models.

Tuesday 12 February 2013

#609

Which contemporary pop star is known for making clothes quickly?

Tailor Swift.

Monday 11 February 2013

#608

As the torturer continued to flutter his eyelids, the prisoner begged for the lashing to end.

Sunday 10 February 2013

#607

Some dogs drink water with quick, dainty flicks of their tongue. These are referred to as "lap dogs".

Saturday 9 February 2013

#606

Once upon a time in a mint:

A: These coins are impractical. I wish we had something lighter and convenient for larger denominations. Do you know what I mean? Maybe made of paper instead of metal.

B: Sure, I'll make a note of it.

Friday 8 February 2013

#605

As they walked around, carrying their tents and sleeping bags, the hikers looked very camp.

Thursday 7 February 2013

#604

Clearly in the red and with no way out, the manager of the hydroelectric plant realised that it would have to enter liquidation.

Wednesday 6 February 2013

#603

The colonial hipster liked Asian labourers before they were coolies.

Tuesday 5 February 2013

#602

What did Elvis say when both he and his date had chaperones?

"We can't go on together with suspicious minders."

Monday 4 February 2013

#601

A: Which gun contains the bullets?

B: Well, that's a loaded question.

Sunday 3 February 2013

#600

Xavier was usually unimpressed by natural phenomena, but after noticing the beauty of moisture settling on plants in the morning, he felt that he had to give credit where it was dew.

Saturday 2 February 2013

#599

"We don't want your sort in here," growled the bartender as he threw the array ordering function out of his front door.

Friday 1 February 2013

#598

They tried to offer Miranda some chocolate, but she wouldn't have a bar of it.

Thursday 31 January 2013

#597

Teacher: Use the word despise in a sentence.

Student: Des-pise were delicious, so I ate them.

Wednesday 30 January 2013

Tuesday 29 January 2013

#595

After his salad leaves were stolen, Cedric was cress-fallen.

Monday 28 January 2013

#594

Unable to support the weight of the enormous lettuce, the ocean liner disappeared beneath the waves. It was not the first time that a ship had been sunk by an iceberg.

Sunday 27 January 2013

#593

Where does Gollum perform his burlesque show?

In the Sméagol-tent.

Saturday 26 January 2013

Friday 25 January 2013

#591

What kind of arthritis makes sufferers more inclined to spread gossip?

Rumour-tism.

Thursday 24 January 2013

#590

Giles didn't like attending auctions, so he hired a servant to do his bidding.

Wednesday 23 January 2013

#589

The situation in the Middle East is becoming quite Syria-s.

Tuesday 22 January 2013

#588

If I were a homeless beggar, and someone gave me some money, I would thank them and add, "I love you. No hobo."

Monday 21 January 2013

#587

A: Those people are fighting because none of them have any loose change.

B: Oh no! Please stop this cents-less violence!

Sunday 20 January 2013

#586

Hansel and Gretel were particularly delighted to find that their room in the gingerbread house had an en-sweet bathroom.

Saturday 19 January 2013

#585

What do you call a pattern made out of adjacent, interlocking curtain ornaments?

A tassel-lation.

Friday 18 January 2013

#584

It is widely believed that Helen would not have been abducted had she been Troying hard enough to avoid it.

Thursday 17 January 2013

#583

Michael the algebra policeman considered incorrect denominators to be a minor infraction.

Wednesday 16 January 2013

#582

As the dressmaker tried to skirt around every question, Susan felt the suspicion that a detective always feels when all is not as it seams. She knew that if she connected the loose threads, there would be a pattern here somewhere. She knew that she had to tighten her questioning, and hem in this dressmaker. Perhaps, then, she would stop weaving lies and fanciful fabrications, and give Susan some information with which she could stitch up this case.

Tuesday 15 January 2013

#581

"Good morning, Mr - what was it? - ah yes, Bond, Mr Bond. I'm Toby, from Toby and Sons Carpentry. I'm here to put up that shelf you wanted ... No, I'm not a spy ... No, I'm not a secret agent ... No, I'm not going to bug your living room ... Look, Mr Bond, I'm just here to do your shelf. I'm a registered carpenter - look, can you see this? This is my license to drill."

Monday 14 January 2013

#580

"Nice to see you, Mr Bond, please take a seat ... what'll it be today, the usual trim? Short back and sides? You wouldn't fancy a blonde tint or some red highlights? No? No matter, we can always ... dye another day."

Sunday 13 January 2013

#579

Molly tried to campaign against headscarves, but to no a-veil.

Saturday 12 January 2013

#578

My hobby: teaching hardened criminals new vocabulary.

"You best watch out, or I'mma rebuke yo' ass!"

Friday 11 January 2013

#577

Eliza practised pronouncing the letter 'h' every day; achieving proper diction was her greatest aspiration.

Thursday 10 January 2013

#576

Billy had got almost everything wrong in the class test; he wasn't sure whether the teacher had marked his paper or used it to play noughts and crosses.

Wednesday 9 January 2013

#575

Horace found NFL video games to be Maddeningly infuriating.

Tuesday 8 January 2013

#574

There was a shriek from the DJ's table; it seemed that she had slipped a disc.

Monday 7 January 2013

#573

Teacher: Define the word buttress.

Student: A buttress is the imprint that your butt makes in a mattress.

Sunday 6 January 2013

#572

A: While we've been standing on these moving stairs, we've gone up three floors.

B: Well, that escalated quickly.

Saturday 5 January 2013

#571

After a glass sabre shattered inside him, the sword-swallower was spitting chips for hours.

Friday 4 January 2013

#570

Did you not give your children any warm clothes to brave the winter frost? This is snow way to look after them.

Thursday 3 January 2013

#569

The First Guy: Don't get me wrong, I like cheese as much as the next guy.

The Next Guy: But I hate cheese.

The First Guy: Well, this is awkward.

Wednesday 2 January 2013

#568

Which martial art involves the preparation of traditional Hebrew bread?

Jew-dough.

Tuesday 1 January 2013

#567

A high definition television is an ideal present for the first of January, as it provides a good resolution for the New Year.