Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Monday, 30 December 2013

Sunday, 29 December 2013

#929

Aravind avoided boiled sweets, as he tended to waste time choking on them - and he had no time for lollygagging.

Saturday, 28 December 2013

#928

What kind of domestic animal lives on the floors of automobiles?

Car-pets.

Friday, 27 December 2013

#927

What did the wireless pirate cry upon finding an internet connection?

"LAN ahoy!"

Thursday, 26 December 2013

#926

"So the doctor says to me, make sure you get up and walk on the plane, or you'll be at risk of deep vein thrombosis! So I ask him why, and he says he doesn't have time to go into the reasons, so I say to him, I don't think you have any deep vein throm-basis. And he punches me."

Wednesday, 25 December 2013

#925

For novice historians, confusing the dates of events that happened before and after the birth of Jesus is a fairly Common Error.

Tuesday, 24 December 2013

#924

A: I would normally never let you into my house, B, but it's Christmas Eve. Come and stay with me. I only hope that the time you've spent homeless will have at least reduced your desire to make puns.

B: Thank you, A. But I should warn you: not even spending a week on the street could curb that.

A: Oh well. Try to restrain yourself. Merry Christmas, B.

[They walk off together.]

B: Hey, A?

A: Yes?

B: Have you read that best-selling autobiography of the woman who could not stay still?

A: I haven't even heard of it.

B: It's generally considered to be very moving.

A: Why me? Why, why, why?

B: Merry Christmas, A.

Monday, 23 December 2013

#923

A: Have you had anything to eat since yesterday?

B: Oh, I managed to squirrel up something.

A: Squirrel up? That's not a thing.

B: Think about it.

A: I am, and it doesn't seem to make any-

B: I ate a squirrel, okay?

Sunday, 22 December 2013

#922

A: I understand that you need to go through people's garbage, but could you not leave it in such a mess?

B: Would you say that I've scattered it?

A: Yes, that's exactly-

B: That I've trashed it?

Saturday, 21 December 2013

#921

A: Did you find any food today?

B: I managed to rat out a thing or two.

Friday, 20 December 2013

#920

A: How's life on the street?

B: It's a wonderfully eye-opening experience - although I think I might get tired of watching twilight every day.

Thursday, 19 December 2013

#919

A: Could you please stop telling me about that warehouse sale? I'm trying to do some work, in case you hadn't noticed, and I don't need your interference.

B: Interference? More like inter-clearance!

A: Don't make me lash out at-

B: Lash? More like slashed prices!

A: It's not even your warehouse!

B: Not my warehouse? More like, where is my house?

A: You don't have a house right now, do you?

B: I don't have a house? More like I don't have much time to grab these crazy bargains!

A: They're not going to give you a place to stay just because you advertise their sale.

B: Homeless and desperate? More like, I'm holding out for all their cardboard boxes to build my new home!

A: You can stay with me if you promise not to make puns.

B: Promise not to make puns? More like, can't wait for my exciting new adventure on the streets!

Wednesday, 18 December 2013

#918

Everyone at the morgue was nervous; they knew that they were undertaking a huge task.

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

#917

Sabrina's idea for a new luxury aircraft was dismissed by the board as a mere flight of fancy.

Monday, 16 December 2013

#916

The landscaping power tool inventor was developing a massive device to sand dunes.

Sunday, 15 December 2013

#915

After her accident, the marine biologist had taken to carrying a mollusc wherever she went; now, she always walked with a limpet.

Saturday, 14 December 2013

#914

Baffled by the condition, the dermatologist pored over all her reference books.

Friday, 13 December 2013

#913

Having just moved from his home enclosure to a tank full of electric eels, Donato the clam was struggling with the culture shock.

Thursday, 12 December 2013

#912

A: No, it's a ridiculous proposition. I will not invest in this crazy scheme of yours.

B: Aw, you're no fund.

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

#911

What did the railroad pervert say upon reading a deeply tragic story?

"All aboard the feels train."

Tuesday, 10 December 2013

#910

Having mist the place for many years, his memory was foggy.

Monday, 9 December 2013

#909

The capacity for self-publication provided by the internet permits a highly competitive environment in which, for example, people making short films using their phones are all Vine for attention.

Sunday, 8 December 2013

#908

You can't wear pantaloons. That breeches our dress code.

Saturday, 7 December 2013

#907

"You know I hate innuendo. I can't believe you would al-lewd to such a thing."

Friday, 6 December 2013

#906

If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, does that mean that the other trees aren't even listening? Perhaps this explains why the tree decided to fall in the first place.

Thursday, 5 December 2013

#905

What do you call a small curved stick made shortly after World War II that returns to its thrower?

A baby boomerang.

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

#904

Upon hearing the proposal, the mongrel had no choice but to con-cur.

Tuesday, 3 December 2013

#903

What do you call someone who refuses to accept that a flood is happening?

Deluge-ional.

Monday, 2 December 2013

Sunday, 1 December 2013

Saturday, 30 November 2013

#900

What does the small wolf say?

I don't know. Some kind of jack-call.

Friday, 29 November 2013

#899

What did the choir director who was also a pirate say?

"Shiver me timbres!"

Thursday, 28 November 2013

#898

The majority of the time taken to write a blog is spent in post production.

Wednesday, 27 November 2013

#897

How Star Trek could have used font choices to save space:

"To go where no man has gone before."

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

#896

People with synesthesia tend to associate Istanbul accents with a greenish-blue colour called turk-voice.

Monday, 25 November 2013

#895

What process do vicars undergo to increase their lifespans?

Pastor-isation.

#894

Yesterday there was a small change in my six-pack muscles. Did you notice my ab-cents?

Saturday, 23 November 2013

#893

What do you call someone who wanders without any specific direction?

A vague-abond.

Friday, 22 November 2013

Thursday, 21 November 2013

#891

"These young streams are too distracted by technology," lamented the old Nile. "They don't even reed any more."

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

#890

The Olympic Athletes' Dinner was an embarrassing occasion; the tables were segregated by race.

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

#889

Since the global recession, the men's fashion industry has been in de-Klein.

Monday, 18 November 2013

#888

What do you call a book that is held together by magic?

Spellbound.

Sunday, 17 November 2013

#887

Going several days without listening to Romantic-era music can leave some people Liszt-less.

Saturday, 16 November 2013

#886

What do you call a thief who can't stop applauding?

A claptomaniac.

Friday, 15 November 2013

#885

What do you call an involuntary spasm caused by Asperger's syndrome?

An autis-tic.

Thursday, 14 November 2013

#884

The fisherman was surprised to find that, after hauling in his biggest catch ever, his net worth had decreased.

Wednesday, 13 November 2013

#883

The chef's assistant was highly skilled at indicating the location of ingredients; he was an ideal kitchen pointer.

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

#882

What is the name of the film genre that consists of tragic romances in futuristic settings?

Sigh-fi.

Monday, 11 November 2013

#881

The dentist's apprentice had to sign her contract during a procedure; it was an in-denture indenture.

Sunday, 10 November 2013

#880

How is food cooked in soap operas?

Using gasp-powered stoves.

Saturday, 9 November 2013

#879

Since beginning to design costumes for musical theatre productions, the leather workers had significantly improved their belts.

Friday, 8 November 2013

#878

Why did the band go to the cliffs for training?

They had heard that they would be able to find a rock formation there.

Thursday, 7 November 2013

#877

He tried to sell me a bunch of canvases that had been randomly splashed with paint, but I wasn't going to pay so much for a pile of old Pollocks.

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

#876

What do you call a pirate who steals a square-rigged ship?

A brigand.

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

#875

A: Did you find out who burst the balloons?

B: No, I am yet to pop the question.

Monday, 4 November 2013

#874

What did Poseidon do when the tenants living inside his sea monsters reached the end of their contracts?

RE-LEASE THE KRAKEN!

Sunday, 3 November 2013

#873

Giovanna tried to add sugar to the mixture, but that only exacerbicated the problem.

#872

A: Why wasn't there a blog post on the second of November?

B: Because I wanted the readers to expect one, any second now, all day.

[Writer's note: I thought of this pun about three weeks ago and had to wait for the second of the month to use it.]

Friday, 1 November 2013

#871

This letter is from a concerned resident who has been disturbed by the noise of the mating bees. In it, he bemoans the bee moans.

Thursday, 31 October 2013

#870

"Mr Pell, do you have a motto?"

"Oh, yes, Doctor. Sharing is caring. That's my life motto."

"Because I have your test results, Mr Pell. You have syphilis."

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

#869

Vincent van Gogh found the ghostly apparition earily familiar.

Tuesday, 29 October 2013

#868

Which famous building is the most popular spot for suicides?

The I-fell Tower.

Monday, 28 October 2013

#867

"I swear, Skrillex, if you do that one more time, you'll be out of the choir! You shouldn't even be trying to pick up the bass, let alone dropping him!"

Sunday, 27 October 2013

#866

In the past, Iulia had found it hard to keep track of medieval Japanese military nobility, but this presentation had neatly Samuraised it for her.

Saturday, 26 October 2013

#865

Adrian, an avid Dominion player, switched from Facebook to Google's social network in the hope of some plus action.

Friday, 25 October 2013

#864

"Please," begged the Mediterranean baker, "take pita on me!"

Thursday, 24 October 2013

#863

A A Milne's first attempts at selling his work to publishers were met with much pooh-poohing.

Wednesday, 23 October 2013

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

#861

What do you call a homeless person upon whom people are jumping?

A trampoline.

Monday, 21 October 2013

#860

The princess, ever a photography enthusiast, kissed the frog, hoping it would turn into some handsome prints.

Sunday, 20 October 2013

#859

A: People can still walk around for several hours after losing their intestines.

B: That would be a gutless wander.

Saturday, 19 October 2013

#858

A: Have you seen the headlines? The psychiatric hospital has been secretly being electrocuting patients.

B: Oh no! That's shocking news!

Friday, 18 October 2013

#857

Kurt felt offended by the association; his replies were always polite, gentle, and elaborate.

Thursday, 17 October 2013

#856

"I'll have some of the liquid remaining after curdling and straining milk."

"Eat in or take a-whey?"

Wednesday, 16 October 2013

#855

Which Eastern European country is named for its impressive fungal growths?

Mouldova.

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

#854

Having her trip diverted to a county in South West England made Suzy Bristol with rage.

Monday, 14 October 2013

#853

The barber decided to have a discounted happy hour. He called it Daylight Shaving Time.

Sunday, 13 October 2013

#852

Which Dickens novel told the story of a backpacker who was torn between comfortable sofas in different houses?

A Tale of Two Settees.

Saturday, 12 October 2013

#851

What's metal, has four prongs, and probably won't understand this joke?

A fork.

Friday, 11 October 2013

#850

Why did the lawyer buy a scratching post?

To sharpen his clause.

Thursday, 10 October 2013

#849

James the hunter knew that his upper body strength was insufficient; he was going to have to lift his game.

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

#848

What can be found in the kitchen of an Indian convent?

Lots of naan.

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

#847

A: Two of the people I've invited are pansexual. Do you know what that means?

B: Not exactly, but I'm not letting them near my kitchen.

Monday, 7 October 2013

#846

What is the favourite cocktail of Hawaiian evangelical Christians?

Sects on the Beach.

Sunday, 6 October 2013

#845

What kind of cheese tastes like Italian bacon when cooked?

Pan-cheddar.

Saturday, 5 October 2013

#844

After two years of downsizing departments, Apple is still mourning the loss of Jobs.

Friday, 4 October 2013

#843

In his youth, the butterfly had been a cater-pillar of the community.

Thursday, 3 October 2013

#842

What do you call a sad piece of intestinal bacteria?

Melan-coli.

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

#841

The government of the United States of America has been shut down temporarily; this is known as a Cong-rest.

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

#840

The incision was precise; it revealed exactly what he wanted to see. "Gland ahoy," cried the ship's surgeon.

The first mate was seasick for the first time in her life, and, despite being under anaesthetic, the patient winced.

Monday, 30 September 2013

#839

"Look at that dentist. Look at that sickeningly smug Pharisee, thinking he can lecture all of us about oral hygiene from atop his salivary tower."

Sunday, 29 September 2013

Saturday, 28 September 2013

#837

"Here's mine. What do you think, professor?"

Radeya recoiled from the mass of flesh on her desk, still dripping with blood. She looked up at Simonetta, who was beaming proudly, and reflected that she should have given some clarification to her most literal-minded student when asking the class to design a coat of arms.

Friday, 27 September 2013

#836

A: Why don't you like baseball?

B: It's just not cricket.

Thursday, 26 September 2013

#835

I considered making a pun about traditional English pastries, but I didn't want to sound Cornish.

Wednesday, 25 September 2013

#834

As the sheep looked sadly at the bucket full of her wool, she reflected that her predicament was shear bad luck.

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

#833

What did the fisherwoman say to her ex-boyfriend?

"If you liked it then you should have put herring on it."

Monday, 23 September 2013

#832

The nature of addiction means that people who begin to undertake behaviours such as self-harm or taking drugs feel often compelled to continue in that vein.

Sunday, 22 September 2013

#831

If you lack confidence, try taking a bath - it might improve your self esteam.

Saturday, 21 September 2013

Friday, 20 September 2013

#829

A: Do you know anything about units of computer memory?

B: I know a bit.

Thursday, 19 September 2013

#828

The three-dimensional model of the disaster was extremely graphic; it was quite a dire-rama.

Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

#826

In the aftermath of the nuclear accident, the Ukrainian workers performed many Cher-noble acts of courage.

Monday, 16 September 2013

#825

Diana was always modest about her ability to both build and play brass instruments - she didn't like to blow her own horn.

Sunday, 15 September 2013

#824

A: Do you think you can make a shoe by tomorrow?

B: I'm sure I can cobble something together.

Saturday, 14 September 2013

#823

A: I don't like Robert Tapert's Warrior Princess franchise.

B: Stop being so Xena-phobic.

Friday, 13 September 2013

#822

A: How's your holiday in England going?

B: Terrible! No one told me about the currency, so I have to go fishing.

A: What? Why?

B: I tried to buy some food and the guy in the shop said that it would cost six squid.

A: You mean quid.

B: Well, hark at the naysayer. I will not quit. I will catch a squid. Or three hundred.

A: Quid means pound. The currency is pounds.

B: Pounds? How can pounds possibly be a currency? How many are there in England? How many squid do I need to catch to buy a whole pound? If I just round up a bunch of stray animals, will that qualify as a pound? How many animals do you need before you can call it a pound?

A: You know what? Forget what I said. Go catch some squid. Use your tongue as bait.

B: I have some inkling of how it's done.

A: Do you now?

B: Get it? Inkling? Because of squid ink? I was eating some squid earlier today when I thought of that pun.

A: You were eating squid? How did you acquire it?

B: I bought it.

A: You did what?

B: Oh, yeah, I know what pounds and quid mean. I just wanted to make the squid and inkling pun. I guess you -

A: I hate you.

B: - took the bait.

Thursday, 12 September 2013

#821

A: My dog's been really sad after its accident.

B: If you want to cheer it up, why don't you take it for a walk?

A: Have you completely missed the events of the last two days? It lost three of its legs.

B: In that case, why don't you take it for a spin?

Wednesday, 11 September 2013

#820

A: Help me, B! My legs are caught in the whirlpool! Do something!

B: Relax, A. Don't get your trousers in a twist.

Tuesday, 10 September 2013

#819

"I brought the spinal samples, like you asked," said the intern, indicating the box. David looked at her and chuckled. The kid had some nerve.

Monday, 9 September 2013

#818

A: I feel awful. Today the doctor gave me a laxative.

B: Laxative? More like lacks-control.

A: I hate you.

B: Lacks control of your bowels, because-

A: I GOT IT.

Sunday, 8 September 2013

#817

When is it cannibalism for a human to eat a fish?

When the human's name is Finn.

Saturday, 7 September 2013

#816

A: There's a fire in the tropical rainforest!

B: Oh no! It must be a real in-fern-o!

Friday, 6 September 2013

#815

A: My doctor said that I have extremely high cholesterol.

B: Why do they call it cholesterol?

A: Does it matter? I'm really worried about my health.

B: I mean, when there's too much, wouldn't it make more sense to call it cho-more-terol?

Thursday, 5 September 2013

#814

EXACT CASH ONLY

Bridget shook her head at the sign and sighed. "Some things never change."

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

#813

"The prosecution would like to present evidence that the accused did indeed commit acts of indecent exposure from his car. It's all here on our flash drive."

Tuesday, 3 September 2013

#812

A: I am very unsatisfied with my manicurist.

B: Maybe you should file a complaint.

Monday, 2 September 2013

#811

What do you call an amicable bond formed at sea?

Friend-ship.

Sunday, 1 September 2013

#810

A: My monitor doesn't seem to be working.

B: Don't worry, I can gra-fix it.

Saturday, 31 August 2013

#809

What is the term for simplified depiction of African culture by a medieval travelling entertainer?

Minstrelry.

Friday, 30 August 2013

#808

A: Bamboo becomes more endangered every year.

B: Oh no! This will result in utter panda-moan-ium!

Thursday, 29 August 2013

#807

A: I've had enough of you and your word games.

B: Don't worry, I'm done with those. I just want to hang, man.

Wednesday, 28 August 2013

#806

What is the term for a face that has been wrecked by the rough tongue of a predator?

Dere-licked.

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

#805

A: You haven't even begun to prepare for your speech on cruelty to race horses!

B: Don't worry, I can whip something together in no time.

Monday, 26 August 2013

#804

Which Chinese philosopher is famous for his teachings on blending herbal tea?

Infucius.

Sunday, 25 August 2013

#803

Why did the burglar wear a cloak?

To make a speedy es-cape.

Saturday, 24 August 2013

#802

A: I've actually swallowed poison, okay? This is serious! So can you stop making jokes about it?

B: I'm sorry, I was only speaking ingest.

Friday, 23 August 2013

#801

A: Watch out for that font. It makes kerning hell.

B: Don't worry - I know the type.

Thursday, 22 August 2013

#800

A: Are you coming to the funeral?

B: I can't come, I have to go to a stag night.

A: Who's the groom?

B: No one's getting married. I'm going hunting.

A: You sicken me.

B: Do you know what a stag does if you shoot its leg?

A: I don't want-

B: It staggers.

Wednesday, 21 August 2013

#799

Where do large African herbivorous mammals study neuroscience degrees?

At a hippocampus.

Tuesday, 20 August 2013

#798

What did the herd say to the pig who arrived last and missed out on food?

"Trough luck."

Monday, 19 August 2013

#797

"All these ropes are slack! Didn't you learn how to tie knots at maritime school?"

The apprentice hung his head.

"They never taut me, sir."

Sunday, 18 August 2013

#796

A: Come on and stick your feet in the water.

B: I do not intend to dabble in such matters.

Saturday, 17 August 2013

#795

A: Did you see what just happened in the street? A pregnant woman got hit by a car!

B: Now that's what I call a baby bump.

Friday, 16 August 2013

Thursday, 15 August 2013

#793

The sound effect created by scrubbing skin is called ex-foley-ation.

Wednesday, 14 August 2013

#792

Poleana had handled large herds before, but the enormous number in front of her was more than she could muster.

Tuesday, 13 August 2013

#791

Male horses are rarely fit to lead a council, but female horses make excellent mayors.

Monday, 12 August 2013

#790

Jana never missed an opportunity for hunting; she was always game.

Sunday, 11 August 2013

#789

The revolutionary never took a break from her mission; she was a rebel without a pause.

Saturday, 10 August 2013

#788

The architect's proposed design for outdoor seating failed to meet the council's benchmark.

Friday, 9 August 2013

Thursday, 8 August 2013

#786

What kind of dance involves substituting translated dialogue for the original audio in foreign films?

Dubstep.

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

#785

What did the bachelor frog tell his guests upon arrival at his home?

"Welcome to my pad."

Tuesday, 6 August 2013

#784

Mauro tried to take a clear photograph of the wheat, but he could only get grainy images.

Monday, 5 August 2013

#783

Who was the most esteemed French knight of all?

Sir Render.

Sunday, 4 August 2013

#782

Nina suggested travelling by plane, but the idea didn't fly with the board.

Saturday, 3 August 2013

#781

Years of driving through the mountains had given Letizia tunnel vision.

Friday, 2 August 2013

#780

The male underwear model found it difficult to talk about his career in brief.

Thursday, 1 August 2013

#779

A: It's chaotic in women's wear! I might stay here at the registers for a while.

B: That's right, just wait until it blouse over.

Wednesday, 31 July 2013

#778

What do you call a tax that guitarists pay for each musical idea?

A ta-riff.

Tuesday, 30 July 2013

#777

A: You rank people according to how they cry?

B: Yes, indeed. You're pretty good, you're in the second highest tear.

Monday, 29 July 2013

#776

Eugenia was very sensitive about the dirt under her nails. Any mention of it made her extremely an-gry.

Sunday, 28 July 2013

#775

A: So, it looks like she's been working as a baby sitter?

B: Au-pair-ently.

Saturday, 27 July 2013

#774

A: Be a dear and turn on the kettle.

B: Deer are typically incapable of operating household appliances.

Friday, 26 July 2013

#773

What do you call the allowance given to the elderly for stationery expenses?

Pen-sion.

Thursday, 25 July 2013

#772

A: They said that they would prefer the artwork on the wall at the top of the hill rather than the bottom, and they've paid us more than enough to paint it up there. We owe it to them.

B: I knew you would take the mural high ground.

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

#771

As the rate of scientific discoveries increases, new physical models of the universe are a paradigm a dozen.

Tuesday, 23 July 2013

#770

Before working at the Large Hadron Collider, applicants must undergo a long process of disCERNment.

Monday, 22 July 2013

#769

A: I'm an avid collector of-

B: So am I!

A: Of what?

B: You just said it. Aphids.

Sunday, 21 July 2013

#768

What do you call a secret, exclusive group of fruit growers?

An apricoterie.

Saturday, 20 July 2013

#767

What did Kevin Rudd say when he realised that his fly was undone?

"I've got to zip."

Friday, 19 July 2013

#766

A: I had a dream in which I was on a large revolving merry-go-round, with painful unresolved memories from my past being played out in the other seats. I was terrified. What do you think it means?

B: Don't go near airports.

A: Why?

B: You're clearly afraid of baggage carousels.

Thursday, 18 July 2013

#765

Nata didn't think that she would enjoy fishing, but soon, she was hooked.

Wednesday, 17 July 2013

#764

The truck driver stared flabbergasted at the gas station attendant, who was tenderly caressing his vehicle.

"Fill, not feel! I said, fill it up!"

Tuesday, 16 July 2013

#763

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse replies, "It's hard to be happy when you're wearing a sad-dle."

The alcoholic observing this does some serious thinking and quits drinking that very night.

Monday, 15 July 2013

#762

What tree makes sick people more unwell?

A sick-a-more.

Sunday, 14 July 2013

#761

A group of musicians who play their instruments with the bases of their hands instead of their fingers is known as a wristband.

Saturday, 13 July 2013

#760

What sounds like striking a mallet and grabs people's attention when worn on the head?

A striking mullet.

Friday, 12 July 2013

#759

What did the train driver say to the indecisive tourists who wanted to travel to another state?

"It's my way or the highway."

Thursday, 11 July 2013

#758

A: Oh no! I've run out of hay!

B: Don't worry, I'll bale you out.

Wednesday, 10 July 2013

Tuesday, 9 July 2013

#756

A: The strongest tremors were felt at the factory that produces anti-allergy injections.

B: I suppose you could call it the epicentre.

Monday, 8 July 2013

#755

A: I'm having a great time in Rome.

B: Are you going to change your hair colour when you leave?

A: Why?

B: You know the saying. "See Rome and dye."

Sunday, 7 July 2013

#754

What did the lapidary yell at the thieves as they ran away with his gems?

"Jewel regret this!"

Saturday, 6 July 2013

#753

It is common to see nuns in a convent, since this is their natural habit-at.

Friday, 5 July 2013

#752

Wallace claimed to have bronze skin, but no one could see any tan-gible proof.

Thursday, 4 July 2013

#751

After a bitter dispute over who would keep the sweet sauce, the divorce court decided on joint custard-y.

Wednesday, 3 July 2013

#750

Teacher: Use the word eiderdown in a sentence.

Student: A fluctuating value cannot stay the same - it must go eiderdown or up.

Tuesday, 2 July 2013

#749

The Dutch businessman took out his social anxiety on his personal assistant. Whenever he met someone for the first time, he would shake Hans.

Monday, 1 July 2013

#748

What did the Jedi drug dealer say to thwart the police from his illegal steroids?

"These aren't the roids you're looking for."

Sunday, 30 June 2013

#747

For many years, the British pronunciation of the term for a personal attendant was considered to be in-valet by the French.

Saturday, 29 June 2013

#746

Throughout Asia, people often get confused between gruff local fishermen and their catch. It is notoriously difficult to distinguish between crusty Asians and their crustaceans.

Friday, 28 June 2013

#745

What device do the police use to detect child molesters?

A pedometer.

Thursday, 27 June 2013

#744

Why couldn't the Chinese fruit grower communicate with the Chinese chorister?

One of them spoke Mandarin while the other spoke Cantor-nese.

Wednesday, 26 June 2013

#743

In an attempt to be more sensitive towards survivors of gunshot wounds, the police were trained to announce a trigger warning before firing.

Tuesday, 25 June 2013

Monday, 24 June 2013

#741

Which surgical instrument is used to cut open the flesh that covers the skull?

A scalp-el.

Sunday, 23 June 2013

#740

Robert's attempt to assist the group of musicians was dismissed as a band-aid solution.

Saturday, 22 June 2013

#739

The dyslexic historian thought that Russia had once been ruled by linen.

Friday, 21 June 2013

#738

Elspeth tried to find the missing bandage, but eventually she decided that it was a lost gauze.

Thursday, 20 June 2013

#737

The experience of living under an leaky roof taught the children about the importance of a good sealing.

Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Tuesday, 18 June 2013

#735

On what material does one write at the beach?

Sandpaper.

Monday, 17 June 2013

#734

A: Should I be worried about not having a jumper?

B: Nah, don't sweater it.

Sunday, 16 June 2013

#733

A: Did you ask her if she had put a tap into the wine barrel?

B: I didn't know how to broach the topic.

Saturday, 15 June 2013

#732

Whenever she overheard someone else's conversation, Eve lost all bowel control. Her habit of listening in became known as Eve's droppings.

Friday, 14 June 2013

#731

Musical chairs in Buckingham Palace: the original Game of Thrones.

Thursday, 13 June 2013

#730

A: Why do you have a ramp instead of stairs?

B: Because that's how I roll.

Wednesday, 12 June 2013

#729

Years of experience working on the streets had made Michelle very prost-astute.

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

#728

The biggest ram in the flock fixed the farmer with a steely gaze.

"We herd you the first time."

Monday, 10 June 2013

#727

She claimed that she wasn't interested in One Direction, but it was obvious that she was in de-Niall.

Sunday, 9 June 2013

#726

How do New Zealand beer makers greet each other?

"Hey, brew!"

Saturday, 8 June 2013

#725

The gossip columnist thought that Brad and Angelina's family was the pits.

Friday, 7 June 2013

#724

What do you call it when a gun dealer browses through a sodium collection?

A salt rifle.

Thursday, 6 June 2013

#723

"In this classroom, we use metric units. I will make you forget the imperial system, even if I have to pound it out of you!"

Wednesday, 5 June 2013

#722

What device only plays records with syntactically correct lyrics?

A grammar-phone.

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

#721

"We're worried about our daughter," explained the cannibal. "She's been off her face for a week - and face is her favourite!"

Monday, 3 June 2013

#720

To inexperienced farmers, ploughing can be a harrowing experience.

Sunday, 2 June 2013

#719

Where do choristers store their wine?

In a de-cantor.

#718

A: Why wasn't there a post yesterday?

B: The mailmen were on strike.

A: Did you actually break the blog schedule just to make that pun?

B: Nothing is sacred.

Friday, 31 May 2013

#717

I would make a joke about the impecunious water-surrounded nation, but that would poor-isle humour.

Thursday, 30 May 2013

#716

"Now, you gotta make some effort to sell these drugs, Tommy," drawled the mobster, "but nothing too drastic. Don't push it."

Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Tuesday, 28 May 2013

#714

Emotionally expressive cat owners enjoy talking about their felines.

Monday, 27 May 2013

#713

I would make a joke about sadomasochistic bestial necrophilia, but that would be flogging a dead horse.

Sunday, 26 May 2013

Saturday, 25 May 2013

#711

What were the bus conductor's parting words?

"Fare thee well."

Friday, 24 May 2013

#710

Richard the famous physicist was generally considered to be a Fine man.

Thursday, 23 May 2013

#709

The belly dancing instructor preferred to be known as a navel commander.

Wednesday, 22 May 2013

#708

Colin the cricket umpire was a messy eater at the best of times, but since he had started bringing honey and marmalade sandwiches to work, the players had found themselves on a rather sticky wicket.

Tuesday, 21 May 2013

#707

A: He spiked their drinks with sleeping pills.

B: That's sop-horrific!

Monday, 20 May 2013

#706

The politician's promise to import brightly coloured neotropical birds with large beaks was dismissed by many as empty toucanism.

Sunday, 19 May 2013

Saturday, 18 May 2013

#704

A: Why are you avoiding me?

B: I heard it was your berth-day.

Friday, 17 May 2013

#703

The Middle Eastern baker reflected that the best thing about having kids was waking up to the pita patter of little feet.

Thursday, 16 May 2013

Wednesday, 15 May 2013

#701

For Josh, the most uncomfortable aspect of changing his guitar strings was the tension it created.

Tuesday, 14 May 2013

#700

No matter how widely he opened his mouth, the cannibalistic lion could not swallow his pride.

Monday, 13 May 2013

Sunday, 12 May 2013

#698

What beverage was used as an instrument throughout 80s pop songs?

Ab-synth.

Saturday, 11 May 2013

#697

How do bakers challenge each other's credibility?

"Do you even sift, bro?"

Friday, 10 May 2013

#696

A: Did all the self-absorbed people find adjacent chairs?

B: Yes, they are con-seated.

Thursday, 9 May 2013

#695

The mirror couldn't help showing people images of themselves. It was a reflects action.

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

#694

How do you spot radiologists at a party?

They're the ones scanning the room.

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

#693

Why was King Solomon often asked to resolve conflicts?

He was an excellent ad-Jew-dicator.

Monday, 6 May 2013

#692

One year ago, Millicent wouldn't have had the confidence to lift a large rock, but since she'd started moving small and medium-sized stones, she had been getting boulder.

Sunday, 5 May 2013

#691

Have you heard the one about the computer that could stop time? It never gets old.

Saturday, 4 May 2013

#690

What happened when the bread maker took drugs?

He got baked.

Friday, 3 May 2013

#689

A: He doesn't want any of our minerals.

B: Well, less phos for him, more phos for us.

Thursday, 2 May 2013

#688

Teacher: Use the word dispersion in a sentence.

Student: Dispersion is from Tehran, but that Persian is from Isfahan.

Wednesday, 1 May 2013

#687

After 20 years working in a pencil shop, Gladys felt that her career was stationary.

Tuesday, 30 April 2013

#686

The Jewish community in Japan has established a Whaling Wall.

Monday, 29 April 2013

#685

A: These small nails are really ugly.

B: Are you saying that they look tacky?

Sunday, 28 April 2013

#684

What word appears at the end of any film about sharks?

Fin.

Saturday, 27 April 2013

#683

What did the madam say when her girls returned to work after a holiday?

"Long time, no D."

Friday, 26 April 2013

#682

What do you call someone who sells narcotics from a bicycle?

A drug peddler.

Thursday, 25 April 2013

#681

Composers who use too many triplets tend to be arrested and kept inside a compound.

Wednesday, 24 April 2013

Tuesday, 23 April 2013

#679

A: My ballroom dancing teacher says that I'm an absolute failure.

B: Don't worry, A. There are plenty of other dances you can try. An abun-dance, if you will.

[Pause. A crunching sound.]

B: For example, you excel at high kicks.

Monday, 22 April 2013

Sunday, 21 April 2013

#677

The dictator was tired of improper male geese. It was time for some propaganda.

Saturday, 20 April 2013

#676

Marina was disappointed by the lack of interest in her warm baked goods business - she had expected them to sell like hot cakes.

Friday, 19 April 2013

#675

Given his name, the music of Carcassi is surprisingly lively.

Thursday, 18 April 2013

Wednesday, 17 April 2013

#673

Having just arrived at the Manhattan statistics conference, Tessa was in an empirical state of mind.

Tuesday, 16 April 2013

#672

Robin's parents intervened as soon as he started modifying their front fence - they knew that it could be a gateway to more serious construction projects.

Monday, 15 April 2013

#671

I want to write books about a nineteenth century German philosopher, but I'm afraid that it would only appeal to a Nietzsche market.

Sunday, 14 April 2013

#670

A: You only sell tickets at a fixed price? What about discounts for children, students, or seniors?

B: I'm afraid that we make no such concessions.

Saturday, 13 April 2013

#669

"They're running out of plastic tubes intended for transferring a beverage from its container to the mouth of the drinker by use of suction? This is the last straw!"

Friday, 12 April 2013

Thursday, 11 April 2013

#667

"It's elementary, my dear Watson. At seven o'clock that morning, he was searching for his missing deodorant. At eight o'clock, he was found dead on his bathroom floor. Well, that very same bottle of deodorant is on this table. There is no mystery to this murder, Watson. Right before our eyes, we have the missing Lynx."

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

#666

In what shape is hay served to Cattle-ics?

In a Christian Bale.

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

#665

What did Lady Macbeth say while doing her laundry?

"Out, damned spot! out, I say!"

Monday, 8 April 2013

#664

Noah had included a private cabin so that he would have a space to himself when the animals arked up too much.

Sunday, 7 April 2013

#663

After quitting her job as a human rotating clothes rack, a position she had held for the past twenty years, Erin was dismayed to find that her old colleagues were calling her a turncoat.

Saturday, 6 April 2013

Friday, 5 April 2013

#661

Many asthma sufferers find the traditions of the Vatican to be incense-itive.

Thursday, 4 April 2013

#660

What do company executives play to relax after meetings?

Board games.

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

#659

Odette had everything she needed to take the revolution to the capital - the numbers, the spirit, the timing. The only obstacle that stood in her way was the marshland, which had risen above the road after the deluge. She was a rebel without a causeway.

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

#658

A: Why do you always give me a clock for my birthday?

B: Because there's no time like the present.

Monday, 1 April 2013

#657

Which novel by Leo Tolstoy told the tragic tale of a ceramic vessel flute's affair with a Count?

Ana Ocarin-ina.

Sunday, 31 March 2013

#656

The aging mobster was so shocked by the sudden entry of police into his den that he suffered a heart attack. It was later referred to as a cardiac arrest.

Saturday, 30 March 2013

#655

Most of the time, it was an ordinary house; but, every full moon, it was transformed into a warehouse.

Friday, 29 March 2013

Thursday, 28 March 2013

#653

Critics agreed that the greatest strength of Slumdog Millionaire was the caste.

Wednesday, 27 March 2013

#652

A: Would you like to learn how to tie together thin strings of timber?

B: I wood knot.

Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Monday, 25 March 2013

#650

What did the beaver say when he learned that his home river was being affected by global warming?

"Hot dam!"

Sunday, 24 March 2013

#649

What did the plumber say when the electrical supplies company gave her free advertising?

"Thanks for the plug."

Saturday, 23 March 2013

#648

As the Japanese gardeners charged, their blood-curdling scream rang around the valley.

"BONSAIIIIII!"

Friday, 22 March 2013

#647

What did Goldilocks eat at the house of the Three Bears?

Paw-ridge.

Thursday, 21 March 2013

#646

A: Do I have copyright permission to use any of these photos?

B: You can use the photo of the goods in store, the photo of the cattle, the photo of the powdered beef, and the photo of the tree trunk - they're all stock images.