Thursday, 28 February 2013


On his first day of work as the music teacher at a special needs school, Renzo learned that shouting, "Ritard!" was not the best way to tell the students to play slowly.

Wednesday, 27 February 2013


After forty years of peeling lemons, Ariane still retained her zest for life.

Tuesday, 26 February 2013


High ambient temperature can hasten the spoiling process. Seafood is particularly prawn to this.

Monday, 25 February 2013


The Church of Coconut was in uproar. One of their fundamental precepts was the sacredness of moisture. Yet, here before their very eyes, lay a desecrated coconut.

Sunday, 24 February 2013


What did Gandalf say to the computer programmer?

"You shall not parse."

Saturday, 23 February 2013


Employer: It says here that you worked in Her Majesty's gardens.

Candidate: Yes, I was an assistant to the Royal Gardener, and worked in one of the hedge-trimming sectors.

Employer: Using hedge-trimming secateurs?

Candidate: I no longer want this job.

Friday, 22 February 2013


"I don't understand it. I'm calm, caring, and warm. I have years of experience as a nurse. I look after my patients better than anyone else. I do everything for them! I'm the very model of a midwife, and yet all my patients get nervous around me. What am I doing wrong?"

"I expect they're just nervous to be around a nurse with such a tremendous reputation, Miss Carriage."

Thursday, 21 February 2013


A: We know that Cathy's cheating. But how do we prove it?

B: Our only option is to Catherine the act.

A: We are no longer working together on this.

Wednesday, 20 February 2013


Tracy, a former gangster-rapping cave explorer, reflected that his language hadn't changed much since he had become a contract lawyer. Where once he might have said, "Where's that cave at?" he now asked, "Where's that caveat?"

Tuesday, 19 February 2013


What did John Lennon say to his wife when the Beatles split?


Monday, 18 February 2013


What is the most famous hymn of the Church of Uranium?

Be Thou My Fission

Sunday, 17 February 2013


After examining the work of Newton and Leibniz, I find it hard to differentiate between the two.

Saturday, 16 February 2013

Friday, 15 February 2013


"So the butler had been dancing with pickles on Dutch privateers."

It was all falling into place. Susan the detective had got to the bottom of these curious capers.

Thursday, 14 February 2013


Yes, it was a strange city. Yes, she had never worked on a drug case before. Yes, they had sent her here with no evidence or intelligence whatsoever. Yet, as Susan the detective stepped off the train, she knew exactly which way to walk. If there was one thing she had learned in her years with the police, it was that every city has a High St. And that that's where the drugs are.

Wednesday, 13 February 2013


Henry VIII loved sports cars - his whole family preferred Tudor vehicles to four-door models.

Tuesday, 12 February 2013


Which contemporary pop star is known for making clothes quickly?

Tailor Swift.

Monday, 11 February 2013


As the torturer continued to flutter his eyelids, the prisoner begged for the lashing to end.

Sunday, 10 February 2013


Some dogs drink water with quick, dainty flicks of their tongue. These are referred to as "lap dogs".

Saturday, 9 February 2013


Once upon a time in a mint:

A: These coins are impractical. I wish we had something lighter and convenient for larger denominations. Do you know what I mean? Maybe made of paper instead of metal.

B: Sure, I'll make a note of it.

Friday, 8 February 2013


As they walked around, carrying their tents and sleeping bags, the hikers looked very camp.

Thursday, 7 February 2013


Clearly in the red and with no way out, the manager of the hydroelectric plant realised that it would have to enter liquidation.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013


The colonial hipster liked Asian labourers before they were coolies.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013


What did Elvis say when both he and his date had chaperones?

"We can't go on together with suspicious minders."

Monday, 4 February 2013


A: Which gun contains the bullets?

B: Well, that's a loaded question.

Sunday, 3 February 2013


Xavier was usually unimpressed by natural phenomena, but after noticing the beauty of moisture settling on plants in the morning, he felt that he had to give credit where it was dew.

Saturday, 2 February 2013


"We don't want your sort in here," growled the bartender as he threw the array ordering function out of his front door.

Friday, 1 February 2013


They tried to offer Miranda some chocolate, but she wouldn't have a bar of it.