A: My feet are really sore from wearing stilettos all night.
B: Don't worry, I'm sure they'll heel.
Monday 31 December 2012
Sunday 30 December 2012
Saturday 29 December 2012
Friday 28 December 2012
Thursday 27 December 2012
#562
In hindsight, it was probably unwise to hang mistletoe above the doorway to the sexual health clinic.
Wednesday 26 December 2012
Tuesday 25 December 2012
#560
After the birth of Jesus, Joseph went outside to search, in vain, for some water for Mary. Never before had he been in a town without a public water supply. This was the first No Well.
Monday 24 December 2012
Sunday 23 December 2012
Saturday 22 December 2012
#557
Which Chinese hospital drama is often confused with a British science science fiction show?
Doctor Hu.
Doctor Hu.
Friday 21 December 2012
#556
The Secret Agent Duck remained silent during three days of interrogation, but, eventually, he quacked under pressure.
Thursday 20 December 2012
Wednesday 19 December 2012
#554
"The group therapy session for all the psych patients who think that they are quadrilaterals is at 4pm! Be there or be ... well, this is awkward."
Tuesday 18 December 2012
Monday 17 December 2012
#552
Frodo Baggins's post-traumatic stress disorder made him a terrible best man - he disappeared halfway through Sam's wedding, muttering something about "taking these rings to Mordor".
Sunday 16 December 2012
#551
The second last thing that humans invent will be the perfect writing device. It shall be humanity's pen-ultimate achievement.
Saturday 15 December 2012
#550
Helen struggled to resolve the internal conflict between her desire to have customers in her shop and her dislike of feeling patronised.
Friday 14 December 2012
#549
The souls in the Elysian Fields were aware that they were despised by the damned, but they dismissed this animosity, reflecting that those in Hades gonna hate.
Thursday 13 December 2012
#548
Albert the elephant never blew his nose in company, as he knew that it would be more appropriate to keep his junk in his trunk.
Wednesday 12 December 2012
Tuesday 11 December 2012
Monday 10 December 2012
#545
Sandwich Hand A: "Sandwich Hand B! I believe that you are not well-bread at all!"
Sandwich Hand B: "You insult my honour! I cannot forgive this. Since we are sandwich hands, we will settle this according to tradition. I challenge you to a wrap battle."
Sandwich Hand A: "I accept your challenge. I must warn you, you will be toast."
Sandwich Hand B: "There isn't a grain of truth in that."
I'm on a roll today.
Sandwich Hand B: "You insult my honour! I cannot forgive this. Since we are sandwich hands, we will settle this according to tradition. I challenge you to a wrap battle."
Sandwich Hand A: "I accept your challenge. I must warn you, you will be toast."
Sandwich Hand B: "There isn't a grain of truth in that."
I'm on a roll today.
Sunday 9 December 2012
#544
I think that spontaneous humour is wonderful; I love inci-dental puns. Sometimes I just want to spit out something fresh, something into which I can really sink my teeth, something that rolls off the tongue nicely. If you've got a bad filling about this by now, please pardon my gum-ption, and brace yourself: we're going to get to the root of this matter. You know the drill.
If you truly eschew puns, then, oh well. Your floss. After all, they are intended for a refined palate. If you ever change your mind, you can come back here to brush up on your repertoire.
If you truly eschew puns, then, oh well. Your floss. After all, they are intended for a refined palate. If you ever change your mind, you can come back here to brush up on your repertoire.
Saturday 8 December 2012
Friday 7 December 2012
Thursday 6 December 2012
Wednesday 5 December 2012
Tuesday 4 December 2012
Monday 3 December 2012
Sunday 2 December 2012
#537
Ever since he was placed in charge of the blender at the milk bar, Sab considered himself to be a smoothie operator.
Saturday 1 December 2012
Friday 30 November 2012
#535
"Hey there, handsome. Looking for a good thyme?"
Shane knew that he shouldn't have visited the red-light herb district.
Shane knew that he shouldn't have visited the red-light herb district.
Thursday 29 November 2012
Wednesday 28 November 2012
#533
Several stimulant drugs give their users a feeling of invincibility. If you see a gingerbread man claiming that nobody can catch him, he's probably baked.
Tuesday 27 November 2012
#532
Giles wanted a full time job at the nut factory, but all that they could offer him was a cashew-al position.
Monday 26 November 2012
Sunday 25 November 2012
Saturday 24 November 2012
Friday 23 November 2012
Thursday 22 November 2012
Wednesday 21 November 2012
#526
A: Which way do I wear it?
B: I don't know. Is there a label?
A: It says that this end is the front.
B: Ah, but that might just be a front.
B: I don't know. Is there a label?
A: It says that this end is the front.
B: Ah, but that might just be a front.
Tuesday 20 November 2012
#525
"It has come to our attention, 007, that you have fathered a good many children over the course of your various liaisons. So, MI6 has decided to give you some time off to get to know them. It should be a good ... Bonding experience."
Monday 19 November 2012
#524
A: I think my Russian friend is gay, but in denial.
B: I see we have a Communist in the closet.
B: I see we have a Communist in the closet.
Sunday 18 November 2012
#523
"I've wagered ten quid on Tony trimming the shrubbery, and ten quid on him not doing it. I'm hedging my bets."
Saturday 17 November 2012
Friday 16 November 2012
Thursday 15 November 2012
#520
Sarah the horse had had enough of moving from one rented property to another; now she wanted a stable residence.
Wednesday 14 November 2012
#519
I know what metal is used to make computer chips, so any attempt to trick me into believing otherwise is a silly con.
Tuesday 13 November 2012
Monday 12 November 2012
Sunday 11 November 2012
#516
A study has shown that petting baby ducks is the most effective treatment for depression. So, if you're feeling down, you should try feeling down.
Saturday 10 November 2012
Friday 9 November 2012
#514
Today, pikelets are a breakfast food. However, in the Middle Ages, they were used to skewer barbarianlets.
Thursday 8 November 2012
#513
Why is playing Quidditch like arresting an clandestine informant?
The game ends when you catch the snitch.
The game ends when you catch the snitch.
Wednesday 7 November 2012
#512
Politicians must pay particular attention to firefighters and strippers, as their dealings with these groups have a huge impact on the poles.
Tuesday 6 November 2012
#511
The Sound of Music exposes many real problems with the society of its time; most poignantly, the lack of social clubs for goatherds.
Monday 5 November 2012
#510
Updating the scoreboard at rugby matches was a frustrating task for Jimmy; he found it very trying.
Sunday 4 November 2012
Saturday 3 November 2012
Friday 2 November 2012
Thursday 1 November 2012
#506
A: Oh no. Oh no, B! I think the cannibals are going to preserve us in vinegar!
B: Well, it seems like we're in a bit of a pickle.
B: Well, it seems like we're in a bit of a pickle.
Wednesday 31 October 2012
#505
The Lion, The Witch, The Hyperbola, The Parabola And The Wardrobe was the most popular book in the series The Conicals of Narnia.
Tuesday 30 October 2012
Monday 29 October 2012
Sunday 28 October 2012
Saturday 27 October 2012
Friday 26 October 2012
Thursday 25 October 2012
Wednesday 24 October 2012
Tuesday 23 October 2012
Monday 22 October 2012
Sunday 21 October 2012
#495
The sky, the ocean, the jeans, the forget-me-nots, the navy uniforms, the sapphires, and the royal blood all formed a spectacular sight which blue Jay away.
Saturday 20 October 2012
Friday 19 October 2012
Thursday 18 October 2012
Wednesday 17 October 2012
Tuesday 16 October 2012
#490
A: Check out my new tuner. It includes scales!
B: As far as I know, there are always scales on a tuna.
B: As far as I know, there are always scales on a tuna.
Monday 15 October 2012
Sunday 14 October 2012
Saturday 13 October 2012
Friday 12 October 2012
Thursday 11 October 2012
#485
A rare recording of Hitler singing an early version of Bonnie Tyler's hit Total Eclipse of the Heart has revealed that he was cheating on his girlfriend.
And I need you now tonight,
And I need you more than Eva.
And I need you now tonight,
And I need you more than Eva.
Wednesday 10 October 2012
Tuesday 9 October 2012
Monday 8 October 2012
#482
A: We might use material from trees, but it depends on a few things.
B: Ah, I see, a conditional wood.
B: Ah, I see, a conditional wood.
Sunday 7 October 2012
Saturday 6 October 2012
#480
How to make any tragedy more fun:
Insert "death" in place of a syllable in the original statement.
Example 1
A: Twelve people were killed today in an accident on the highway.
B: Highway? More like deathway!
Example 2
A: Three thousand people perished as the cruise liner sank.
B: Cruise liner? More like death liner!
Example 3
A: Oh no! No! No, this can't be happening!
B: What's wrong?
A: My whole family! They're dead!
B: How?
A: They were on an aeroplane, and it crashed!
B: Aeroplane? More like deathroplane!
Insert "death" in place of a syllable in the original statement.
Example 1
A: Twelve people were killed today in an accident on the highway.
B: Highway? More like deathway!
Example 2
A: Three thousand people perished as the cruise liner sank.
B: Cruise liner? More like death liner!
Example 3
A: Oh no! No! No, this can't be happening!
B: What's wrong?
A: My whole family! They're dead!
B: How?
A: They were on an aeroplane, and it crashed!
B: Aeroplane? More like deathroplane!
Friday 5 October 2012
#479
The fruit filled pastries were one of the bakery's most popular products; they always had a high turnover.
Thursday 4 October 2012
#478
Sopranos are more likely to take drugs than any other type of singer; this is why they are always so high.
And irrational, neurotic, irritable, violent, incapable of following simple instructions, prone to mood swings, and generally insane.
And irrational, neurotic, irritable, violent, incapable of following simple instructions, prone to mood swings, and generally insane.
Wednesday 3 October 2012
Tuesday 2 October 2012
Monday 1 October 2012
Sunday 30 September 2012
#474
What happened when the police caught the criminal with heart problems?
They placed him under cardiac arrest.
They placed him under cardiac arrest.
Saturday 29 September 2012
Friday 28 September 2012
Thursday 27 September 2012
#471
Lady Gaga is very popular among the cast of Sesame Street, all of whom identify as little monsters.
Wednesday 26 September 2012
Tuesday 25 September 2012
Monday 24 September 2012
#468
The art of Jackson Pollock fetches very high prices - some people will really splash out for his work.
Sunday 23 September 2012
#467
The haemotologist and the hip hop producer found some solidarity as they lamented the difficulty of finding good samples.
Saturday 22 September 2012
#466
Sean's loose, expansive walking style drew people towards him; they felt invited by his open gait.
Friday 21 September 2012
Thursday 20 September 2012
#464
Noah was the only person in his time with the necessary knowledge for his task, which most people dismissed as arkane.
Wednesday 19 September 2012
Tuesday 18 September 2012
Monday 17 September 2012
#461
Why is surgery like Commedia dell'Arte?
All participants are required to wear masks in the theatre.
All participants are required to wear masks in the theatre.
Sunday 16 September 2012
#460
Requiring that people have RSAs to serve alcohol is a classic example of one of Althusser's RSAs.
Saturday 15 September 2012
Friday 14 September 2012
Thursday 13 September 2012
Wednesday 12 September 2012
Tuesday 11 September 2012
Monday 10 September 2012
Sunday 9 September 2012
Saturday 8 September 2012
#452
Sam was going to use his slimline gamepad to play the Thomas the Tank Engine game, but he soon realised that he really ought to use a fat controller.
Friday 7 September 2012
Thursday 6 September 2012
#450
The only error in Leonard's performance had been an accidentally flattened third, but he considered that to be a minor glitch.
Wednesday 5 September 2012
Tuesday 4 September 2012
#448
Once people start talking about kangaroos, a reference to the way they move is bound to be made.
Monday 3 September 2012
Sunday 2 September 2012
Saturday 1 September 2012
Friday 31 August 2012
#444
The floorboards, ceilings, walls, and doors had spent all day preparing themselves to be judged by an independent panel.
Thursday 30 August 2012
#443
Passionate about her campaign, the painter tried to canvas support. However, after she was framed for a crime, most people brushed her off easelly.
Wednesday 29 August 2012
Tuesday 28 August 2012
Monday 27 August 2012
#440
Silvi couldn't stop watching films starring women with superpowers. She had to face it: she had a heroine addiction.
Sunday 26 August 2012
Saturday 25 August 2012
#438
Sophie the sock had had enough of enduring the oppression of the washing machine. It was time to break the cycle.
Friday 24 August 2012
#437
What is the most popular song of empowerment among endangered seals?
Flo Rida feat David Guetta - Club Can't Handle Me
Flo Rida feat David Guetta - Club Can't Handle Me
Thursday 23 August 2012
Wednesday 22 August 2012
Tuesday 21 August 2012
#434
I have news of a recent advancement in wizarding technology. The latest wands are fitted with a spell checker.
Monday 20 August 2012
Sunday 19 August 2012
#432
I would teach you how to shoot without aiming down the sight, but I'm afraid that that would be outside the scope of this course.
Saturday 18 August 2012
#431
If you hear someone use the description "cheap as chips", it is wise to clarify whether they are referring to potato or silicon.
Friday 17 August 2012
Thursday 16 August 2012
Wednesday 15 August 2012
Tuesday 14 August 2012
Monday 13 August 2012
Sunday 12 August 2012
#425
Rodney the ambitious businessman was not satisfied with making a living. He intended to make a killing.
Saturday 11 August 2012
Friday 10 August 2012
Thursday 9 August 2012
Wednesday 8 August 2012
#421
A: Stop trying to drink away your problems. No alcohol will help you to put that shelf together.
B: What if I have a Screwdriver?
B: What if I have a Screwdriver?
Tuesday 7 August 2012
Monday 6 August 2012
Sunday 5 August 2012
#418
Teacher: Use the word urinal in a sentence.
Student: If you can't make it to the bathroom in time, ur-in-a-lot of trouble.
Student: If you can't make it to the bathroom in time, ur-in-a-lot of trouble.
Saturday 4 August 2012
Friday 3 August 2012
Thursday 2 August 2012
#415
A: The amputee told on me? What a goody-one-shoe!
B: Careful, if he hears you, he'll really put his foot down. Not that he can lift it.
B: Careful, if he hears you, he'll really put his foot down. Not that he can lift it.
Wednesday 1 August 2012
#414
Abandoned by her former fellow humans as she jerkily staggered along, Lila the zombie felt that she had been left in the lurch.
Tuesday 31 July 2012
Monday 30 July 2012
#412
Despite the creative attempts of Jim's lawyer, "getting into the Olympic spirit" and "misinterpreting the meaning of breast stroke" was not a valid defence for indecent assault.
Sunday 29 July 2012
Saturday 28 July 2012
#410
"And this is my friend Leila. She lost her eyes about ten years ago. Hey, Leila! Long time no see!"
Friday 27 July 2012
Thursday 26 July 2012
Wednesday 25 July 2012
#407
The mad scientist often argued with his laboratory equipment, but he could never have the last word with the retort stand.
Tuesday 24 July 2012
Monday 23 July 2012
Sunday 22 July 2012
#404
Carl, whose only skill was jumping from one pony to another at full gallop, had a brief circus career, since no one wants to see a one-trick pony, even if he is a one-two-pony-trick pony, because that sounds like someone using a pony's inability to count in order to deceive it, which is just mean.
Saturday 21 July 2012
Friday 20 July 2012
#402
"If you're an amputee and you know it, clap your - oh. Never mind."
Some people may find this offensive, but I say it's just an armless joke.
Some people may find this offensive, but I say it's just an armless joke.
Thursday 19 July 2012
#401
Many people exercise to tone their body, hoping to obtain, among other things, a gluteus minimus.
Wednesday 18 July 2012
Tuesday 17 July 2012
#399
Helmut is a designer who has combined his passion for underwear and food storage, creating pantryhose and larderhosen.
Monday 16 July 2012
Sunday 15 July 2012
#397
Given the option of the euro, Britain is debating whether to remain bound to the pound, or to call it quids.
Saturday 14 July 2012
Friday 13 July 2012
#395
What did the funk musician say to the driver of his van when he wanted it moved to a road over a river?
"Take it to the bridge."
"Take it to the bridge."
Thursday 12 July 2012
Wednesday 11 July 2012
#393
The Netherlands has a surprising level of homophobia for a country that relies so heavily on dykes.
Tuesday 10 July 2012
#392
For Graham, the experience of losing his eyelids in a laboratory accident proved to be a real eye-opener.
Monday 9 July 2012
Sunday 8 July 2012
Saturday 7 July 2012
#389
The torturer found that the electric chair was his most effective device. Its victims always confessed to being guilty as charged.
Friday 6 July 2012
#388
It don't matter if you're black or white.
The motive for the suicide of Michael Jackson's chess teacher remains a mystery.
The motive for the suicide of Michael Jackson's chess teacher remains a mystery.
Thursday 5 July 2012
#387
At the start of a book, the names of all those who are satisfied with it are listed. This list is called the contents.
Wednesday 4 July 2012
#386
A: We are willing to negotiate a pro bono scheme for you.
B: Bono? Why does this concern U2?
A: It concerns me because I am making you this offer. It all hinges, of course, on you accepting the medical experiment.
B: The probe? Oh, no!
A: Yes, the pro bono. It relies on you agreeing to a painless procedure which will be carried out using a totally safe device called the UpRobo.
B: UpRobo? No!
A: Yes, a pro bono. I believe that we have already established that.
B: Bono? Why does this concern U2?
A: It concerns me because I am making you this offer. It all hinges, of course, on you accepting the medical experiment.
B: The probe? Oh, no!
A: Yes, the pro bono. It relies on you agreeing to a painless procedure which will be carried out using a totally safe device called the UpRobo.
B: UpRobo? No!
A: Yes, a pro bono. I believe that we have already established that.
Tuesday 3 July 2012
#385
In hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to serve spotted dick at the herpes support group's annual luncheon.
Monday 2 July 2012
#384
On her first day of work at the nursing home, Madeleine learned that the "here comes aeroplane" technique was not effective with suppositories.
Sunday 1 July 2012
#383
It is best not to argue with waiters, or tennis players, as there is a high risk of being served.
Saturday 30 June 2012
Friday 29 June 2012
#381
Sherlock Holmes surveyed the bed.
"There are no blankets," he observed. "This bed is quite bare."
"No sheet, Sherlock," agreed Doctor Watson.
"There are no blankets," he observed. "This bed is quite bare."
"No sheet, Sherlock," agreed Doctor Watson.
Thursday 28 June 2012
#380
In a monarchy, reasonable people by themselves pose no threat, and tea is harmless, of course. However, when tea and reason are combined, they can result in treason.
Wednesday 27 June 2012
#379
In the Middle Ages, landowners who tried to leave their property to their daughters were often executed for the crime of heiressy.
Tuesday 26 June 2012
#378
The warrior princess was perturbed by a strong sense of déjà vu, as if she had Xen-at all before.
Monday 25 June 2012
#377
The Angel of Death flew through the land, striking dead the first-born son of every Egyptian family, in the world's first heir-raid.
Sunday 24 June 2012
#376
Alone once more with his computers, consoles, and other gadgets, Martin took a moment to relish the feeling. He loved being left to his own devices.
Saturday 23 June 2012
#375
A: Don't worry, my friend. I've got your back.
B: Aah! How will I stand? Give it back! Give it back!
B: Aah! How will I stand? Give it back! Give it back!
Friday 22 June 2012
Thursday 21 June 2012
#373
The courageous invertebrate wanted to prove once and for all that he was not, as his critics often claimed, spineless.
Wednesday 20 June 2012
#372
Jack's demonstration of the correct and healthy way to sit was met with some suspicion. Many among his audience felt that he was just posturing.
Tuesday 19 June 2012
Monday 18 June 2012
Sunday 17 June 2012
Saturday 16 June 2012
Friday 15 June 2012
#367
As he sat down beside his his favourite cow, the farmer realised that he had an audience. Reaching for the udder, he knew that he was going to milk this for all it was worth.
Thursday 14 June 2012
Wednesday 13 June 2012
#365
The notes and coins repeatedly tried to unite, but, time and again, they were thwarted by denominational differences.
Tuesday 12 June 2012
#364
I propose an award to acknowledge the person who most successfully managed to fake something at some point in the process of staging a musical. It would be called the Fast Tony.
Monday 11 June 2012
Sunday 10 June 2012
#362
A: I can see people wandering aimlessly around the building where grain is ground to make flour. What are they doing?
B: I expect they're milling.
B: I expect they're milling.
Saturday 9 June 2012
#361
Why did has he joined a group of desert-dwelling nomads? There are so many other things that he could Bedouin.
Friday 8 June 2012
#360
For centuries, many theologians have believed that gays are destined for hell. Here lies the origin of the term "flaming homosexuals".
Thursday 7 June 2012
Wednesday 6 June 2012
#358
As the opera singers' muscles were hyperextended in the torture racks, Gaspar leant back and enjoyed the melodious strains.
Tuesday 5 June 2012
#357
Many people feel that decisions made by their national reserve bank are interesting but overrated.
Monday 4 June 2012
Sunday 3 June 2012
Saturday 2 June 2012
Friday 1 June 2012
Thursday 31 May 2012
#352
Cow A: My sister Klein is giving birth right now.
Cow B: I guess we should call her Calvin' Klein.
Cow B: I guess we should call her Calvin' Klein.
Wednesday 30 May 2012
#351
Cow A: Patsy's been working out while her children are at music lessons.
Cow B: That explains her nicely toned calves.
Cow B: That explains her nicely toned calves.
Tuesday 29 May 2012
Monday 28 May 2012
Sunday 27 May 2012
Saturday 26 May 2012
Friday 25 May 2012
Thursday 24 May 2012
#345
"You'll never learn, will ye, Angus? We raise our villages, and we raze our enemies' villages. Not the other way round, Angus! Not the other way round!"
Wednesday 23 May 2012
#344
Is this a badger that I see before me?
Shakespeare and Farthing Wood are not an effective combination.
Shakespeare and Farthing Wood are not an effective combination.
Tuesday 22 May 2012
#343
Did you hear about the gay android bouncing on a stick who encouraged a solitary homeless man wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt to seize the day?
"Yolo, mofo!" said the robo homo on a pogo to the solo hobo in a polo.
"Yolo, mofo!" said the robo homo on a pogo to the solo hobo in a polo.
Monday 21 May 2012
Sunday 20 May 2012
Saturday 19 May 2012
#340
Elly the defence attorney had only represented clients in two cases of indecent assault, but she was already getting the feel of it.
Friday 18 May 2012
Thursday 17 May 2012
Wednesday 16 May 2012
#337
Mark the real estate agent was yet to learn the difference between ducted heating and a heater held together with duct tape.
Tuesday 15 May 2012
Monday 14 May 2012
#335
What did the Cookie Monster say when playing the role of Juliet?
O Oreo, Oreo! wherefore art thou Oreo?
O Oreo, Oreo! wherefore art thou Oreo?
Sunday 13 May 2012
Saturday 12 May 2012
Friday 11 May 2012
#332
Although she generally enjoyed the banter with rival convents, Sister Anne had grown sick of the 'yo momma superior' jokes.
Thursday 10 May 2012
Wednesday 9 May 2012
#330
I don't think any priest could ever have been as excited as the one who realised that, instead of "praising God", one could "laud the Lord".
Well, it would have made me very happy.
Well, it would have made me very happy.
Tuesday 8 May 2012
#329
Scientists are searching for habitable planets in other star systems, primarily so that lactose intolerant humans need no longer suffer in the Milky Way.
Monday 7 May 2012
Sunday 6 May 2012
#327
The Bible is full of people being punished for sending out messengers and representatives, warning us against the deadly sin of envoy.
Saturday 5 May 2012
Friday 4 May 2012
Thursday 3 May 2012
#324
It is the fat in meat the causes it to remain upright. Thus, meat with little or no fat is called lean meat.
Wednesday 2 May 2012
Tuesday 1 May 2012
Monday 30 April 2012
#321
A: So, this magnet will exert a force on farm vehicles?
B: Yes, it will work as a tractor attractor.
B: Yes, it will work as a tractor attractor.
Sunday 29 April 2012
Saturday 28 April 2012
Friday 27 April 2012
#318
The most important thing to remember when giving someone flowers is to include the petals. Otherwise you will seem like a stalker.
Thursday 26 April 2012
#317
"Winners are wieners!"
It was sometimes said that the chants of the Worms supporters had been shaped by their decade at the bottom of the table.
It was sometimes said that the chants of the Worms supporters had been shaped by their decade at the bottom of the table.
Wednesday 25 April 2012
#316
A: I'm sick of people calling me a control freak.
B: Maybe it's because you use so many keyboard shortcuts.
A: I can't help it. You know I'm scared of mice.
B: That's true. You and your mouse have never really clicked.
A: Yes, I'm more the keyboard type.
B: You don't see the point of a mouse?
A: I do, but sometimes it can be such a drag. I tend to pretend that it's not there.
B: I've noticed that. When you start your computer, you use your keyboard straight away. You barely give your mouse a cursory glance.
A: Okay, stop. That was too cheesy.
B: Well, mice like cheese.
B: Maybe it's because you use so many keyboard shortcuts.
A: I can't help it. You know I'm scared of mice.
B: That's true. You and your mouse have never really clicked.
A: Yes, I'm more the keyboard type.
B: You don't see the point of a mouse?
A: I do, but sometimes it can be such a drag. I tend to pretend that it's not there.
B: I've noticed that. When you start your computer, you use your keyboard straight away. You barely give your mouse a cursory glance.
A: Okay, stop. That was too cheesy.
B: Well, mice like cheese.
Tuesday 24 April 2012
Monday 23 April 2012
Sunday 22 April 2012
#313
A POEM FOR INTERNATIONAL EARTH DAY
The rain comes from the sky above,
The fruit comes from the farmer,
The tax goes to the government,
And everyone's a llama.
The world faces impending doom,
Apocalyptic drama:
The earth will shake, the sky will burn,
And everyone's a llama.
We'll learn to make sustainable,
Each cheesecake, car, pyjama.
We'll learn to treasure nature's gifts,
And everyone's a llama.
The raging clouds will drift away,
The climate will grow calmer,
We'll live as one in harmony,
And everyone's a llama.
The rain comes from the sky above,
The fruit comes from the farmer,
The tax goes to the government,
And everyone's a llama.
The world faces impending doom,
Apocalyptic drama:
The earth will shake, the sky will burn,
And everyone's a llama.
We'll learn to make sustainable,
Each cheesecake, car, pyjama.
We'll learn to treasure nature's gifts,
And everyone's a llama.
The raging clouds will drift away,
The climate will grow calmer,
We'll live as one in harmony,
And everyone's a llama.
Saturday 21 April 2012
#312
Tomorrow is International Mirth Day. It's like International Earth Day, except that you giggle whenever someone says the word "sustainable".
Friday 20 April 2012
#311
A: I have a puzzle to solve.
B: Your puzzle's sins are forgiven!
A: That didn't solve anything.
B: Oh, you need to solve a puzzle? I thought you needed to absolve a puzzle.
B: Your puzzle's sins are forgiven!
A: That didn't solve anything.
B: Oh, you need to solve a puzzle? I thought you needed to absolve a puzzle.
Thursday 19 April 2012
#310
On today's show, we have Dan, a bigot who has had so many heated arguments on the internet that he reads capitals faster than simple letters.
Wednesday 18 April 2012
Tuesday 17 April 2012
Monday 16 April 2012
#307
A: What was the Roman Empire's typical method of public execution?
B: Crucifixion?
A: Correct.
B: Yes! Nailed it!
B: Crucifixion?
A: Correct.
B: Yes! Nailed it!
Sunday 15 April 2012
Saturday 14 April 2012
Friday 13 April 2012
Thursday 12 April 2012
Wednesday 11 April 2012
#302
What was the traditional final meal served to prisoners before they faced the guillotine?
Chops.
Chops.
Tuesday 10 April 2012
#301
But more than anything else, it was the outfit of the Ku Klux Klan that angered him; it really gave him the sheets.
Monday 9 April 2012
#300
A: Are you saying that you have no idea how she became an amputee?
B: No idea at all. I'm stumped.
B: No idea at all. I'm stumped.
Sunday 8 April 2012
#299
A: Why is there a beeping sound whenever I get into bed?
B: That would be my lie detector.
A: But it beeps when I'm trying to go to sleep! I don't say a word!
B: It detects all forms of lying - not only falsehoods, but also stretching out horizontally.
B: That would be my lie detector.
A: But it beeps when I'm trying to go to sleep! I don't say a word!
B: It detects all forms of lying - not only falsehoods, but also stretching out horizontally.
Saturday 7 April 2012
#298
One of Shakespeare's most touching poems was written about a beautiful hole in the ground for drawing water. It is called the Ode of Fair Well.
Friday 6 April 2012
Thursday 5 April 2012
Wednesday 4 April 2012
Tuesday 3 April 2012
#294
The pirate captain's instruction was met with some dissent from his crew, who considered it to be an arrrbitrary decision.
Monday 2 April 2012
#293
A: Hans thinks that everyone should be allowed to carry weapons.
B: Well, of course. Hands would want to bear arms.
B: Well, of course. Hands would want to bear arms.
Sunday 1 April 2012
Saturday 31 March 2012
Friday 30 March 2012
Thursday 29 March 2012
#289
A: My latest culinary creation is based on a traditional Chinese dish, but it's a variation.
B: You're right. It does taste very Asian.
B: You're right. It does taste very Asian.
Wednesday 28 March 2012
Tuesday 27 March 2012
Monday 26 March 2012
#286
Today, I was going to say something about winemaking, but I chose not to, because grape is never a joke.
Sunday 25 March 2012
Saturday 24 March 2012
Friday 23 March 2012
Thursday 22 March 2012
#282
1912 parent: If you think of doing something naughty, remember that God can see you.
2012 parent: If you think of doing something naughty, remember that the Google Maps van could be passing.
2012 parent: If you think of doing something naughty, remember that the Google Maps van could be passing.
Wednesday 21 March 2012
Tuesday 20 March 2012
#280
A: It's not enough to be able to do something. People want you to have a piece of paper saying that you can do it.
B: Are you sure? Perhaps you should qualify that statement.
B: Are you sure? Perhaps you should qualify that statement.
Monday 19 March 2012
Sunday 18 March 2012
Saturday 17 March 2012
Friday 16 March 2012
Thursday 15 March 2012
Wednesday 14 March 2012
Tuesday 13 March 2012
Monday 12 March 2012
Sunday 11 March 2012
Saturday 10 March 2012
Friday 9 March 2012
#269
She knew that it would be risky to frolic, but eventually she decided that it was worth the gambol.
Thursday 8 March 2012
#268
Why would erectile dysfunction pose a grave threat to Chinese politics?
It would prevent them from having elections.
It would prevent them from having elections.
Wednesday 7 March 2012
#267
I was going to make a pun about Pride and Prejudice, but I decided that it would be too Austentatious.
Tuesday 6 March 2012
Monday 5 March 2012
Sunday 4 March 2012
#264
My friend is trying to launch a collection of animated shorts. However, it appears that most people prefer garments that remain still on their legs.
Saturday 3 March 2012
#263
I can't believe that none of these buildings have wheelchair access. This is rampant disregard!
Friday 2 March 2012
#262
Being a duke means more than simply owning property. Equally important is proper etiquette. One must learn to mind one's manors.
Thursday 1 March 2012
#261
What do you call an intersection which includes a shop that sells hot beverages?
A tea junction.
A tea junction.
Wednesday 29 February 2012
Tuesday 28 February 2012
Monday 27 February 2012
Sunday 26 February 2012
#257
Teacher: Use the expression village green in a sentence.
Student: The one person in any small town who is always ill is called the village green.
Student: The one person in any small town who is always ill is called the village green.
Saturday 25 February 2012
#256
I met an utterly deranged man today. He has a cupboard in which he keeps the bones of people who never admitted to being gay. At least, I think that that's what he meant when he said that he had some skeletons in the closet.
Friday 24 February 2012
#255
The Catholic Church has released a statement in which it expresses its strong opposition to queue-jumping, including testimonies from couples who decided to wait.
Thursday 23 February 2012
Wednesday 22 February 2012
#253
A: That building's about to fall to the ground!
B: I'm glad that you understand the gravity of the situation.
A: That's horribly insensitive! Do you know how many people are going to die when that skyscraper collapses?
B: That's towerible!
A: This is no laughing matter! I cannot stand your heartless mockery any longer.
B: Nor can the building stand any longer.
A: That is enough! You have gone too far. You are being charged with criminal tastelessness. As your punishment, you may choose either to take a corrective course, or to pay a fine.
B: My only options are coarse and fine? Don't you have anything in between? Medium grain, perhaps?
A: There is another option. It involves me shooting you.
B: Oh no! Don't jump the gun! I don't want to bite the bullet!
Pause. A gunshot.
B: What triggered this, A? I barrel-ly said anything.
B: I'm glad that you understand the gravity of the situation.
A: That's horribly insensitive! Do you know how many people are going to die when that skyscraper collapses?
B: That's towerible!
A: This is no laughing matter! I cannot stand your heartless mockery any longer.
B: Nor can the building stand any longer.
A: That is enough! You have gone too far. You are being charged with criminal tastelessness. As your punishment, you may choose either to take a corrective course, or to pay a fine.
B: My only options are coarse and fine? Don't you have anything in between? Medium grain, perhaps?
A: There is another option. It involves me shooting you.
B: Oh no! Don't jump the gun! I don't want to bite the bullet!
Pause. A gunshot.
B: What triggered this, A? I barrel-ly said anything.
Tuesday 21 February 2012
Monday 20 February 2012
#251
A: These conical tents are the typical dwelling of the Native Americans of the Great Plains.
B: One could say that they are their teepee-cal dwelling ... A? Where did you get that tomahawk, A?
B: One could say that they are their teepee-cal dwelling ... A? Where did you get that tomahawk, A?
Sunday 19 February 2012
#250
A: I believe that what was keeping everyone awake was an aesthetic issue.
B: Really? Anaesthetic usually puts people to sleep.
B: Really? Anaesthetic usually puts people to sleep.
Saturday 18 February 2012
#249
A: You were afraid of a moth?
B: It was enormous!
A: You were afraid of a slightly larger than average moth?
B: This was not simply a large moth. This was a behemoth.
B: It was enormous!
A: You were afraid of a slightly larger than average moth?
B: This was not simply a large moth. This was a behemoth.
Friday 17 February 2012
#248
A: Have you seen that magician's trick? It's amazing! Poof! And it's gone!
B: Kind of like a gay pride march.
B: Kind of like a gay pride march.
Thursday 16 February 2012
Wednesday 15 February 2012
Tuesday 14 February 2012
#245
Every now and then, I swallow my hands.
And then...
I throw my hands up in the air sometimes,
Saying ay-oh, got to let go.
And then...
I throw my hands up in the air sometimes,
Saying ay-oh, got to let go.
Monday 13 February 2012
#244
When protecting her musical instruments from the elements, she was very thorough. She always made sure that she covered all her basses.
Sunday 12 February 2012
#243
For hospital administrators, the most important area of mathematics is the order of operations.
Saturday 11 February 2012
#242
Which novel by Charles Dickens tells the story of a young man convicted of indecent assault?
David Cop-a-feel.
David Cop-a-feel.
Friday 10 February 2012
Thursday 9 February 2012
Wednesday 8 February 2012
Tuesday 7 February 2012
Monday 6 February 2012
Sunday 5 February 2012
Saturday 4 February 2012
#235
The angry birds launch furious attacks at self-satisfied pigs who lie around doing nothing all day. It's Gender Studies the video game!
Friday 3 February 2012
Thursday 2 February 2012
Wednesday 1 February 2012
Tuesday 31 January 2012
Monday 30 January 2012
Saturday 28 January 2012
Thursday 26 January 2012
#228
He was a Brielliant swordsman, even with a cheese knife, and one quick thrust produced a Fetal wound. He rode away, leaving behind the Gruyèresome corpse of the one who had dared to challenge him. The tale of the Big Cheese would be told fromage to age.
These puns are getting too cheesy.
These puns are getting too cheesy.
Wednesday 25 January 2012
#227
While burning a Protestant minister, Catholics would often throw tomato sauce on him, as it goes well with pastor.
Friday 20 January 2012
#225
A: That was a brilliantly funny gag.
B: I'm surprised that you hadn't heard it before. It's an old choke.
B: I'm surprised that you hadn't heard it before. It's an old choke.
#221
Dentist: Say 'E'.
Fangirl: I don't, like, know how to.
Dentist: Here's a picture of Justin Bieber.
Fangirl: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Fangirl: I don't, like, know how to.
Dentist: Here's a picture of Justin Bieber.
Fangirl: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
#220
When I was a child, my parents bought me a pennywhistle. It was the only kind of piercing I was allowed to have.
Saturday 14 January 2012
#219
Some people believe that the Apocalypse will happen this year.
Adele is currently at the top of the charts.
It isn't over until the fat lady sings.
Adele is currently at the top of the charts.
It isn't over until the fat lady sings.
#218
A: Have you considered this place for your holiday?
B: It's on my list, but only as a last resort.
B: It's on my list, but only as a last resort.
#217
A: It's not every day that you hear someone say that they will abandon drugs.
B: Really? It's quite common to hear of a band on drugs.
B: Really? It's quite common to hear of a band on drugs.
#214
A: We've been in the Himalayas for a month now, and we still haven't seen an abominable snowman.
B: Not yeti.
B: Not yeti.
Wednesday 11 January 2012
Tuesday 10 January 2012
#211
A: Do you think that Emily and Holly might enter the American film industry?
B: Emily wouldn't, but Holly wood.
B: Emily wouldn't, but Holly wood.
#208
A: Do you think that my poem would be improved by another verse?
B: No, that would definitely have an adverse effect.
B: No, that would definitely have an adverse effect.
Friday 6 January 2012
#206
Next week our church group will stage a protest against the sinful practice of transmitting documents via telephone lines. We are currently painting banners which read GOD HATES FAX.
Thursday 5 January 2012
Tuesday 3 January 2012
#204
A: Thank you for the chocolate, much appreciated.
B: Actually, now that you've eaten it, it's probably much depreciated.
B: Actually, now that you've eaten it, it's probably much depreciated.
#203
A: Why are we doing it this way? This is madness.
B: We're doing it this way because THIS. IS. SMARTER.
B: We're doing it this way because THIS. IS. SMARTER.
#202
In breaking news, a man has released an alternate version of I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar, entitled I Am Woman, I Shouldn't Speak. Naturally, this has caused an uproar. Most critics are speaking in a calm and civil manner; despite the furore, only a few roar.
#201
Catholics and Protestants are generally on good terms nowadays. Sometimes, representatives from various churches meet for a meal, to promote dialogue and unity. However, these meals are never barbeques, as this would reignite painful memories of burning at the steak.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)