Wednesday 31 December 2014

#1296

Why is it fun to go adventures with kitchen burglars?

You know that they're whisk takers.

Tuesday 30 December 2014

#1295

Glenys's "original" cake recipes were in fact stolen; she was secretly sponging off the work of others.

Monday 29 December 2014

#1294

Normally, Declan wouldn't have complained about the head of a school, but this time he felt that it was a matter of principal.

Sunday 28 December 2014

#1293

A: How did she go on her final tests at the tennis academy?

B: She aced them.

Saturday 27 December 2014

#1292

What do you call the list of items on the syllabus of an Indian cookery school?

The curry-culum.

Friday 26 December 2014

#1291

A: Is that high quality crayfish?

B: Naw, that shit cray.

Thursday 25 December 2014

#1290

A: Whenever I see a Nativity scene, I can't help but wonder what the angels are doing.

B: Just chilling in the crib, I suppose.

Wednesday 24 December 2014

#1289

Why did the company sponsor elite tennis players?

They were guaranteed of strong returns.

Tuesday 23 December 2014

#1288

After his service game failed, Bernard was a broken man.

Monday 22 December 2014

#1287

Working as an assistant to the clumsy milliner, Tess had to be ready to tidy up at the drop of a hat.

Sunday 21 December 2014

#1286

A: How much does a typical amputation cost?

B: An arm and a leg.

Saturday 20 December 2014

#1285

The warden didn't appreciate the prisoners complaining about their food at his annual review; it would only add gruel to the fire.

Friday 19 December 2014

#1284

Why did the wildcat have to continue with basketball even though he wanted to play tennis?

Because a leopard can't change his sports.

Thursday 18 December 2014

#1283

What do you call the period of heavy traffic that occurs when a large number of clients need to visit their gynaecologists?

Thrush hour.

Wednesday 17 December 2014

#1282

When does traffic become irritating?

During pique hour.

Tuesday 16 December 2014

#1281

Why did the parish hire a forger in response to the rival church's festival?

To produce a counterfête.

Monday 15 December 2014

#1280

The gangster mechanic did most of his work in the hood.

Sunday 14 December 2014

#1279

A: Do you think we'll be late?

B: Not on my watch!

[A moment of silence.]

B: Because we'll check the time. On my wa-

A: I WILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH A CLOCK.

Saturday 13 December 2014

#1278

Lisa the tattooist dreamed of being a famous author; one day, she hoped to write a navel.

Friday 12 December 2014

#1277

What do you call a story about guns composed of letters exchanged between the characters?

A pistolary novel.

Thursday 11 December 2014

#1276

"My dear Archimedes, you must stop running naked through the streets. Every time you discover something, Eureka lot of mayhem."

Wednesday 10 December 2014

#1275

Christine didn't think too much about money; she spent it very cash-ually.

Tuesday 9 December 2014

#1274

What did the tiger police officer say to the tipsy Bengal?

"You must be saber to drive."

Monday 8 December 2014

#1273

What did the religious cheesemaker say when things got out of control?

"Jesus, take the wheel."

Sunday 7 December 2014

Saturday 6 December 2014

#1271

What do you call the sadness experienced when a cantaloupe goes rotten?

Melon-coli.

Friday 5 December 2014

#1270

The police sergeant gazed glumly at the illegal substances before him, then at his youngest charge, who was standing to attention next to the piles of leaves and beaming proudly. The sergeant sighed.

"I said I wanted potted plants for my office, Jackson. Not pot plants. Potted plants."

Thursday 4 December 2014

#1269

How do Spanish tennis associations raise money?

They hold a Rafa.

Wednesday 3 December 2014

#1268

Teacher: Use the word detention in a sentence.

Student: When I feel stressed about the possibility that you might give me a bad grade, that's D-tension.

Tuesday 2 December 2014

#1267

When do Australians make friends?

During the mating season.

Monday 1 December 2014

#1266

Estonian artists are internationally considered to be quite Tallinnted.

Sunday 30 November 2014

#1265

A: I have the milk permeate in a portable container.

B: Whey to go!

Saturday 29 November 2014

#1264

Fergus tried to think of a gentle way to tell his girlfriend that her oral sex was too rough, but could find no way to soften the blow.

Friday 28 November 2014

#1263

A: Have you looked at the geese yet?

B: Yes, I had a gander.

Thursday 27 November 2014

#1262

Alex hated the Vietnamese capital - he found it very Hanoi-ing.

Wednesday 26 November 2014

#1261

In what kind of coffin was the Russian emperor buried?

A tsarcophagus.

Tuesday 25 November 2014

#1260

What do you call the sound made by ancient Egyptian paper in the wind?

Papyrustling.

Monday 24 November 2014

Sunday 23 November 2014

#1258

The rebellious crop farmer was known for going against the grain.

Saturday 22 November 2014

#1257

A: I've become an expert on Asian politics. Ask me anything.

B: Do you know who was the President of Indonesia from 2004 to 2014?

A: Yudhoyono.

B: No, I do know, I'm asking whether you do.

Friday 21 November 2014

#1256

A: I wish I could style my hair like that.

B: Don't be gel-ous.

Thursday 20 November 2014

#1255

"Yes, I know I forgot the gold coating! I don't need your gilt trip."

Wednesday 19 November 2014

#1254

"Back off or I'll knock your block off!"

The mobster's babysitter smiled wearily.

"That's not how we share our Lego, is it, Danny?"

Tuesday 18 November 2014

#1253

The sailor's desire to wed his clock was forbidden under marry-time law.

Monday 17 November 2014

#1252

The two metalworkers, denied permission to marry from their families, had decided to steel away into the night.

Sunday 16 November 2014

#1251

Verity wondered whether she had become more distant from her family after switching to bath sponges; perhaps returning to natural exfoliation would make her less aloofah.

Saturday 15 November 2014

#1250

In which European capital is a river blocked with rodents?

Hamsterdam.

Friday 14 November 2014

#1249

What song did Bon Jovi write after a holiday in Walnut Grove?

Livin' On A Prairie

Thursday 13 November 2014

Wednesday 12 November 2014

Tuesday 11 November 2014

#1246

The cobblers had worked together in the same shop for years - they saw each other as sole mates.

Monday 10 November 2014

#1245

Helen easily found a job restoring cars - she had an eye for detail.

Sunday 9 November 2014

#1244

The general looked at the diagram of the territory, filled with every kind of wagon, and sighed. Clearly, her staff had not understood the meaning of cartographer.

Saturday 8 November 2014

#1243

The tanning instructor was known as a hard bask-master.

Friday 7 November 2014

#1242

"All who wish to follow me must abandon their hives of honey! Such is the sacrifice required to become a bee-leaver."

Thursday 6 November 2014

#1241

What do you call the followers of a spiritual leader who are responsible for insulting other religions?

Diss-iples.

Wednesday 5 November 2014

#1240

What do you call someone who's crying because they're not transgendered?

A cissy.

Tuesday 4 November 2014

#1239

Where does the government of the Philippines store its documents?

In Manila folders.

Monday 3 November 2014

#1238

A: Are you serious about the baby goats?

B: No, I'm just kidding.

Sunday 2 November 2014

#1237

The filmmaker avoided Vine; she felt that it was easy pickings.

Saturday 1 November 2014

#1236

What did the police officer say when subduing an offender?

"Cop that!"

Friday 31 October 2014

#1235

What did the antivirus software developer say to the malware?

"Norton my watch!"

Thursday 30 October 2014

#1234

Everyone at the theatre company was amped to meet the new sound engineer.

Wednesday 29 October 2014

#1233

The chef was deeply moved by the honour of representing her country, and provided a stirring rendition of the anthem.

Tuesday 28 October 2014

#1232

After losing his tongue, the animator was rendered speechless.

Monday 27 October 2014

#1231

What did the soldier say when accused of having unoriginal shooting methods?

"Mimicry is the highest form of battery."

Sunday 26 October 2014

#1230

The anarchist sous-chef was always trying to stir up trouble.

Saturday 25 October 2014

#1229

A: I can't find any good recipes to use all these eggs and speck.

B: Maybe you should lower your egg-speck-tations.

Friday 24 October 2014

#1228

A: The kangaroo keeps hitting its head on the roof of its new enclosure.

B: Well, that was bound to happen.

Thursday 23 October 2014

#1227

What do junkie pastry chefs do in their spare time?

Get baked.

Wednesday 22 October 2014

#1226

The dog sat patiently under the sweet syrup, hoping that some would eventually treacle down to him.

Tuesday 21 October 2014

#1225

I wanted to make a pun about painting, but I'm afraid that those kinds of jokes don't come easelly to me.

Monday 20 October 2014

Sunday 19 October 2014

#1223

How did Sebastian the crab get satellite television reception?

He used an Ariel.

Saturday 18 October 2014

#1222

The wafer factory faced its greatest challenge yet; truly, it was crunch time.

Friday 17 October 2014

#1221

When placed under scrutiny, the self-loathing coffee maker couldn't stand his own ground.

Thursday 16 October 2014

#1220

The other fundamental forces found gravity condescending; they didn't appreciate its top-down manner.

Wednesday 15 October 2014

Tuesday 14 October 2014

#1218

A: Do you think I should get a dual-boot computer?

B: No way! That sounds like utter chaOS.

Monday 13 October 2014

#1217

What happened to the computer programmer who developed a cough?

She became a hacker.

Sunday 12 October 2014

#1216

What do you call the act of killing someone with fermented fruit juice?

Homi-cider.

Saturday 11 October 2014

#1215

Where do seabirds invest their money?

In an alba-trust fund.

Friday 10 October 2014

#1214

What Chinese-Greek crossover myth tells the story of the most beautiful long-legged bird in the world?

Heron of Troy.

Thursday 9 October 2014

#1213

A: Do you think two people are more likely to date if they take the same classes?

B: Only if they have chemistry together.

Wednesday 8 October 2014

#1212

The unwitting statistician found the average without meaning to do so.

Tuesday 7 October 2014

#1211

On what machine do angry people exercise?

A cross trainer.

Monday 6 October 2014

#1210

The priest had become adept at nearly all aspects of fishing; yet, he still refused to master bait.

Sunday 5 October 2014

#1209

What do advertisers and electricians have in common?

They're both good at plugging things.

Saturday 4 October 2014

#1208

The comedian always kept her appointments; she would never stand up a date.

Friday 3 October 2014

#1207

The incompetent fisherman was even worse in finance - he struggled to keep a float.

Thursday 2 October 2014

#1206

What is the favourite mathematical concept of dressmakers?

Tailor polynomials.

Wednesday 1 October 2014

#1205

What do you call it when rappers murder their close friends?

Homie-cide.

Tuesday 30 September 2014

#1204

What kind of dog is also a green vegetable?

A broc-collie.

Monday 29 September 2014

#1203

Which country is responsible for most of the world's spam?

Botswana.

Sunday 28 September 2014

#1202

A: I need you to find the screwdriver.

B: Is this it?

A: That's the ticket.

B: Oh. I thought it was a screwdriver. I'll keep looking.

Saturday 27 September 2014

Friday 26 September 2014

#1200

The junior sergeant, frustrated at missing out on yet another promotion, rankled with rage.

Thursday 25 September 2014

Wednesday 24 September 2014

#1198

Where do ironers address the media?

At a press conference.

Tuesday 23 September 2014

#1197

What is the favourite dish of Greek mechanics?

Spanner-kopita.

Monday 22 September 2014

#1196

What does a farmer use to wake up on time?

An alarm cock.

Sunday 21 September 2014

#1195

Romanian universities are growing increasingly concerned about a prevalence of Vlad culture.

Saturday 20 September 2014

#1194

After being bribed by dessert manufacturers, the nutritional values authority had a tendency to fudge their results.

Friday 19 September 2014

#1193

After an argument, many couples like to reconcile by imagining minor religious denominations together. Some claim that fighting is worth it for the make-up-sects.

Thursday 18 September 2014

#1192

The cinema manager's psychological issues revolved around her habit of projecting.

Wednesday 17 September 2014

#1191

The toymaker considered building some plush toys, but eventually decided that he couldn't be stuffed.

Tuesday 16 September 2014

#1190

What's the worst punishment for someone who hates card games?

Solitaire confinement.

Monday 15 September 2014

#1189

Which rapper was famous for only showing off one third of his abs?

Tupac.

Sunday 14 September 2014

#1188

What did the snake charmer say in Nicki Minaj's bakery?

"My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns."

Saturday 13 September 2014

#1187

The manicurist's accounts were organised in a meticulous filing system.

Friday 12 September 2014

#1186

"I value your input."

Regina's partner had asked her to be more vocal during sex.

Thursday 11 September 2014

#1185

The mildly famous army recruiter was an N-list celebrity.

Wednesday 10 September 2014

#1184

Katia had never intended to be a secret agent; her curious nature had simply spy-ralled out of control.

Tuesday 9 September 2014

#1183

"Do you think the blind guy was the murderer? I'm not certain of it, it's just a stab in the dark."

Monday 8 September 2014

#1182

How do couples get back together after breaking up?

They re-pair their relationship.

Sunday 7 September 2014

#1181

A: There's been a kidnapping in the land of Hyrule!

B: Oh no! We must find the missing Link!

Saturday 6 September 2014

#1180

"Aha! We shall never need chickens again!"

Hillary had not quite grasped the concept of eggplants.

Friday 5 September 2014

#1179

The necrophiliac was happy to eat the overcooked rejects from the pie shop; after all, she was used to having crusty things in her mouth.

Thursday 4 September 2014

#1178

Applause was forbidden at the sexual health conference, for fear of spreading the clap.

Wednesday 3 September 2014

#1177

The anarchistic fence-builder railed against the system.

Tuesday 2 September 2014

#1176

The thrill-seeking painter enjoyed many a brush with danger.

Monday 1 September 2014

#1175

What style of music is most popular among the homeless?

Ragtime.

Sunday 31 August 2014

#1174

Teacher: Use the word profile in a sentence.

Student: Someone who is in favour of organising paperwork can be described as profile.

Saturday 30 August 2014

#1173

What can be found at the start of a book about golf?

A foreword.

Friday 29 August 2014

Thursday 28 August 2014

#1171

Ironically, the rotational therapist was unable to convince the public of his merit without the help of a spin doctor.

Wednesday 27 August 2014

Tuesday 26 August 2014

#1169

Janet appreciated the new pulley system; it had really taken a load off her shoulders.

Monday 25 August 2014

#1168

The butcher was proud of his produce, and always packaged it in elegant wooden boxes; some were suspicious when they saw him casing a joint.

Sunday 24 August 2014

#1167

What do you call the process of filling an area with distinguished gentlemen?

Gent-rification.

Saturday 23 August 2014

#1166

Seamstresses know a lot about threading; mainly because they know a lot about screwing.

Friday 22 August 2014

#1165

What did the tennis player do at her legal trial?

Hold court.

Thursday 21 August 2014

#1164

After calls to make the building accessible to wheelchairs fell on deaf ears, advocates ramped up their efforts.

Wednesday 20 August 2014

#1163

Corinne knew that wearing sandals would lead to wearing flip-flops; it was a slippery slope.

Tuesday 19 August 2014

#1162

"Leopard, not leper! I said I wanted a leopard skin dress!"

Monday 18 August 2014

#1161

Which English city was named after its horseback undertakers?

Canterbury.

Sunday 17 August 2014

#1160

When war arrived, Quasimodo proved to be quite bell-igerent.

Saturday 16 August 2014

#1159

What do you call the due date for an assassination?

A deadline.

Friday 15 August 2014

#1158

Despite positive responses from critics, 30 Rock was something of a ratings Fey-lure.

Thursday 14 August 2014

#1157

Her phobia of doors persisted; she just couldn't handle them.

Wednesday 13 August 2014

#1156

I hate flashers. They think that they have the right to go around exposing themselves willy-nilly.

Tuesday 12 August 2014

#1155

Being upgraded from the last car of the train was a welcome ca-boost.

Monday 11 August 2014

#1154

What's the difference between a pilot and a geometer?

A pilot flies planes; a geometer thinks planes are fly.

Sunday 10 August 2014

#1153

The marine carnivore was ever diligent; it could never be accused of sharking its duty.

Saturday 9 August 2014

Friday 8 August 2014

#1151

What do you call a bathroom break scheduled after the consumption of Asian food?

A Thai gap.

Thursday 7 August 2014

Wednesday 6 August 2014

#1149

He had led an easy life in the flatlands, and had grown accustomed to expecting everything handed to him on a plateau.

Tuesday 5 August 2014

#1148

What sound did the crashing plane make as it bounced?

Boeing

Monday 4 August 2014

#1147

People who grow up in a gap between mountains live in constant need of valley-dation.

Sunday 3 August 2014

#1146

What do you call an equine vet who manipulates the skeleton and muscles of their patients?

A horse-teopath.

Saturday 2 August 2014

#1145

What do you call a metropolis full of daring people?

An auda-city.

Friday 1 August 2014

#1144

The young sheep was a skillful chess player; at three months, it had already developed several opening lambits.

Thursday 31 July 2014

#1143

The pop star's decision to shave her head was widely regarded as a bald move.

Wednesday 30 July 2014

Tuesday 29 July 2014

#1141

In what direction does a hen move when running away from a rooster?

Anticockwise.

Monday 28 July 2014

Sunday 27 July 2014

#1139

What bone disease is most common in Vienna?

Austria-porosis.

Saturday 26 July 2014

#1138

What do watchmakers do at the end of a working day?

Clock off.

Friday 25 July 2014

#1137

A: Have you seen the news? A hundred people have been shipwrecked off the west coast of Africa!

B: Oh no! You mean they were Ca-marooned?

Thursday 24 July 2014

#1136

What kind of bandages are most commonly used in Palestinian hospitals?

Gauze-a strips.

Wednesday 23 July 2014

#1135

How did the enthusiastic meteorologist describe the wind?

With great gusto.

Tuesday 22 July 2014

#1134

After her actors broke the fence a third time, the director felt the need to castigate them.

Monday 21 July 2014

#1133

As the approaching crowd roughly gathered itself to a standstill, she became aware of hundreds of pairs of eyes sweeping over the whole scene, pausing in realisation, moving their focus to her, and boring in like the drills that had started this whole mess. She stepped backwards and her foot hit a pebble. As she clearly heard the tiny stone shifting less than an inch against the sand, she became aware of the silence, suddenly and frighteningly. She slowly turned her head and glanced behind her to see the clothes rack balanced on the edge of the precipice.

The author enjoyed concluding chapters with cliffhangers.

Sunday 20 July 2014

#1132

What do you call a smashed bottle of wine?

Shard-onnay.

Saturday 19 July 2014

#1131

What is the traditional motto of fishermen?

Carp-e diem

Friday 18 July 2014

#1130

What type of fish run underwater hospitals?

General sturgeons.

Thursday 17 July 2014

Wednesday 16 July 2014

#1128

Installing the prank staircase made Elsha buoyantly merry; for the rest of the day, there was a spring in her step.

Tuesday 15 July 2014

#1127

A: Do you think the titanium will stay in place?

B: Of course. Otherwise it would be called loose-anium.

Monday 14 July 2014

#1126

How can you tell when a computer is angry?

It's spitting chips.

Sunday 13 July 2014

#1125

How does one grow a religion?

Through careful cult-ivation.

Saturday 12 July 2014

Friday 11 July 2014

#1123

A: She's remarkably insightful.

B: Of course she is! She's pregnant.

A: What do you mean?

B: Many a truth spoken in gestation.

Thursday 10 July 2014

#1122

What do you call someone who designs religious headwear?

A turban planner.

Wednesday 9 July 2014

#1121

What did the gangster rapper say when his rented copy of The Raven was due to be returned?

"Fuck the Poe-lease!"

Tuesday 8 July 2014

#1120

Which armed wing of the Nazi Party consisted mainly of flat sweets?

The Waffle-SS.

Monday 7 July 2014

#1119

Matilda passed her art history exam on Jackson Pollock with flying colours.

Sunday 6 July 2014

#1118

The page three editor stared at the image of the model in her grandfather clock patterned bra.

"I said pendulous breasts! Not pendulums! Pendulous!"

Saturday 5 July 2014

#1117

As the hearing impaired conference gathered, the US Armed Forces were on their highest alert ever. This was Deaf-Con 1.

Friday 4 July 2014

Thursday 3 July 2014

#1115

The radical feminists' meetings were largely disorganised, demonstrating the difficulties of an agendaless society.

Wednesday 2 July 2014

#1114

In winter, the brothel grounds were covered in hoarfrost.

Tuesday 1 July 2014

#1113

The castle architect disagreed with the proposed trench of water surrounding her design, and dismissed it as a moat point.

Monday 30 June 2014

#1112

The mollusc pickers frequently worked in clammy weather.

Sunday 29 June 2014

#1111

The Siberian phone network provider's office gave Olga a characteristically frosty reception.

Saturday 28 June 2014

#1110

As the extraterrestrials floated away in their now tattered and heavily shelled pod, a voice could be heard:

"We come in peace, Zorblav! Not like peas! In peace!"

Friday 27 June 2014

#1109

What kind of racism is directed towards Asians who have achieved inner peace?

Zenophobia.

Thursday 26 June 2014

#1108

Hana was happy to stay in the supposedly haunted castle; to her, ghosts were immaterial.

Wednesday 25 June 2014

#1107

A: Looking at his diary, police found that he had been thinking about setting himself on fire for months.

B: Well, better self-immolate than never.

Tuesday 24 June 2014

#1106

He was ultimately rejected due to his incapacity to dress formally; in summary, the company thought him unsuitable.

Monday 23 June 2014

#1105

The amateur filmmaker was kicked out of the bungee jumping club after one too many fatal jump cuts.

Sunday 22 June 2014

#1104

What do you call ham that is cooking in an oven?

Bakin'.

Saturday 21 June 2014

#1103

Sergeant Chisholm surveyed the carnage on the street. Clearly, the offender had misunderstood the meaning of "blood drive".

Thursday 19 June 2014

#1101

Publishing expletives, even with letters replaced with symbols, is always an aste-risk.

Wednesday 18 June 2014

#1100

Once the animated gray tabby cat ventured into political subject matter, it became known for Pusheen the boundaries.

Tuesday 17 June 2014

#1099

The Chinese conservationists were accused of excessively pandaring to animals.

Monday 16 June 2014

#1098

The blocks made of four squares each spelled a tetrominous message.

Sunday 15 June 2014

#1097

After the second oil spill, Mobil Corp could not be exxonerated.

Saturday 14 June 2014

#1096

Guy squinted out at the paddock and frowned. The livestock thieves were really beginning to get his goat.

Friday 13 June 2014

#1095

Although they constitute modern repertoire, Phillip's works typically require Glassical training.

Thursday 12 June 2014

Wednesday 11 June 2014

Tuesday 10 June 2014

#1092

A: Have you ever thought about being a parent?

B: Yes, I want to have a daughter.

A: That's specific.

B: And call her Hope.

A: That's beautiful!

B: And make her immortal.

A: What?

B: And get her a pogo stick.

A: No no no no don't say-

B: Hope springs eternal!

Monday 9 June 2014

#1091

Which ice cream flavour is most common among silverfish?

Manila.

Sunday 8 June 2014

#1090

The logician maintained an ergo-nomic working environment.

Saturday 7 June 2014

#1089

Once the first batch of towers to support electric cables fit easily onto the ship, the captain decided to pylon more.

Friday 6 June 2014

#1088

What kind of swimming can be done while asleep?

Snore-kelling.

Thursday 5 June 2014

#1087

"Are you sure you can sing today, Elsa? You sound really congested."

"I'll be fine. Having a cold never bothered me anyway."

Wednesday 4 June 2014

#1086

Liam originally didn't want to be photographed nude, but he soon figured that he could use the exposure.

Tuesday 3 June 2014

#1085

The whole world is one great poem; that's why it's called the universe.

Monday 2 June 2014

#1084

Even when crowds turned against him, Tiger Woods always knew that his mistresses were rooting for him.

Sunday 1 June 2014

#1083

"He's not a real digital infiltrator; he's just a hack."

Saturday 31 May 2014

#1082

After a long day on colander duty, Xiaoping felt drained.

Friday 30 May 2014

#1081

Kingsley's dedication to his gym workouts was abmirable.

Thursday 29 May 2014

#1080

I would make a joke about wild pork, but I wouldn't want to boar you.

Wednesday 28 May 2014

#1079

What piece of music is played when a social network closes down?

The Last Post.

Tuesday 27 May 2014

#1078

A: Did you get a good look at the mountain?

B: I only caught a quick peak.

Monday 26 May 2014

#1077

The annoyed Christian made a gesture that is universally recognised as the sign of the cross.

Sunday 25 May 2014

#1076

By what process are papers judged by myopic academics?

Peer review.

Saturday 24 May 2014

#1075

Given that he was working in the mail room, it was hardly surprising that Brian had become the company's poster boy.

Friday 23 May 2014

Thursday 22 May 2014

#1073

What do you call slow-shutter footage of a watchmaker running around a track?

Time laps.

Wednesday 21 May 2014

#1072

Jamie tried to design a better bucket than his rival's creation, but all his efforts pailed in comparison.

Tuesday 20 May 2014

Monday 19 May 2014

#1070

What do you call a male escort who is paid to laugh?

A giggle-o.

Sunday 18 May 2014

#1069

Tristan's party trick depended on the presence of fizz in the soda - now that it had sat out for so long, all his attempts fell flat.

Saturday 17 May 2014

#1068

The new budget was thought to be unreasonable by all accounts.

Friday 16 May 2014

#1067

What did Darth Vader say to the victims of his newest weapon?

"I find your lack of face disturbing."

Thursday 15 May 2014

#1066

His courage boosted by the drink, he proceeded to make a spirited effort.

Wednesday 14 May 2014

#1065

Sinead's endurance training didn't help her in the sprints, but she knew that it would be worth it in the long run.

Tuesday 13 May 2014

#1064

Upon making his first sword, the apprentice blacksmith paused to sabre the moment.

Monday 12 May 2014

#1063

Unable to fill the enclosure with their individual supplies of water, the friends decided to pool their resources.

Sunday 11 May 2014

#1062

Learning about cassic acid is a most cathartic experience.

Saturday 10 May 2014

#1061

For the journalist, the task of writing a full-length story was a novel challenge.

Friday 9 May 2014

#1060

The LEGO designer was struggling. She had hit a creative block.

Thursday 8 May 2014

Wednesday 7 May 2014

#1058

What did Doge say upon encountering a labyrinth?

"Amaze."

Tuesday 6 May 2014

#1057

A: Did the French people say bye?

B: No, they left without further adieu.

Monday 5 May 2014

#1056

Pascal was overjoyed to be promoted to Corporal; he was no longer at risk of Legionnaire's disease.

Sunday 4 May 2014

#1055

What do you call it when a mollusc takes a picture of itself?

A shellfie.

Saturday 3 May 2014

#1054

What do you call a courageous parrot that is capable of bonding with many others?

Polly-valiant.

Friday 2 May 2014

#1053

What is the ideal clothing to be worn while consuming hot beverages?

A tea-shirt.

Thursday 1 May 2014

#1052

The furniture designers were proud of their progress. They had come sofa.

Wednesday 30 April 2014

#1051

What do market vendors do when they're reluctant to set up their shops?

Stall.

Tuesday 29 April 2014

#1050

Why is juvenile diabetes the easiest medical specialisation?

It's like taking candy from a baby.

Monday 28 April 2014

#1049

Which composer wrote music which attracts fish?

Bait-oven.

Sunday 27 April 2014

#1048

What did the potato say to the other potato that was going on a voyage?

"Godspud."

Saturday 26 April 2014

#1047

The label-making colleagues were renowned for their skill as a tag team.

Friday 25 April 2014

#1046

A: I could kill for some chickpea dip.

B: I didn't know that you had hommus-cidal tendencies.

Thursday 24 April 2014

#1045

In hindsight, everyone agreed that it had been an unwise decision to end the International Epileptics Conference with a fireworks display.

Wednesday 23 April 2014

#1044

After delving into the bucket of worms, finding them unsatisfactory, and leaping out again, the fisherman's cat watched proceedings with baited breath.

Tuesday 22 April 2014

#1043

As the laundry attendant and the pastry chef were dealt their cards, the crowd watched with bated breath, eager to see who would fold first.

Monday 21 April 2014

#1042

Why do police officers make good percussionists?

Because they're always on the beat.

Sunday 20 April 2014

#1041

What kind of psychic predicts the future from tropical trees?

A palm reader.

Saturday 19 April 2014

#1040

Hyman the butcher had never heard of the expression, but nonetheless he couldn't comprehend why everyone seemed so unenthusiastic about tonight's "sausage party".

Friday 18 April 2014

#1039

A: Do you always want a quilt at night during winter?

B: I'm afraid I can't answer that. I try to avoid blanket statements.

Thursday 17 April 2014

#1038

As a beginner skier, Madison struggled with the steep learning curve.

Wednesday 16 April 2014

#1037

In desperate times, a stockbroker will hold down the Shift key in order to raise capital.

Tuesday 15 April 2014

#1036

It had been a long day for the alcoholic nymphomaniac. She was going to need a stiff one.

Monday 14 April 2014

#1035

How did the asthmatic feel at the church service?

Incensed.

Sunday 13 April 2014

#1034

Young architects often look at the design of grand cathedrals and a-spire to such greatness.

Saturday 12 April 2014

#1033

A: I hate the way that magazines solve all beauty problems with "starve yourself".

B: Well, if you don't like the colour of your hair, it would probably help to diet.

Friday 11 April 2014

#1032

My biological mother identified as a man. I admired his openness - he was always transparent.

Thursday 10 April 2014

#1031

Where are French sweets traditionally burned?

On a bonbonfire.

Wednesday 9 April 2014

#1030

What do you call an adult female clay pigeon?

A bricklayer.

Tuesday 8 April 2014

#1029

The swipe card system functioned well at some times but failed at others; overall, it was touch and go.

Monday 7 April 2014

#1028

Teacher: Use the word disable in a sentence.

Student: The slaves thought, dis-Abe'll set us free.

Sunday 6 April 2014

#1027

Cain had had enough of his brother's Abelist privilege.

Saturday 5 April 2014

#1026

"I hate fairies," said Marty.

He wasn't homophobic. He was just a very racist pixie.

Friday 4 April 2014

#1025

What did Mr Miyagi say in the beauty salon?

"Wax on, wax off."

Thursday 3 April 2014

#1024

The ancient religion, much like its adherents, could be destroyed by a blow to the temple.

Wednesday 2 April 2014

#1023

After negotiations failed, the florists resorted to violets.

Tuesday 1 April 2014

#1022

The head seamstress surveyed the trainee's work and sighed.

"If all you can make with a sewing machine is large rectangles of cloth, then I'm afraid it's curtains for you, my dear."

Monday 31 March 2014

#1021

Which North American natural feature is said to cure erectile dysfunction?

Viagra Falls.

Sunday 30 March 2014

#1020

The heating repair technician had nowhere to vent her frustration.

Saturday 29 March 2014

#1019

The canine church had a meeting to discuss matters of dogma.

Friday 28 March 2014

#1018

Which dance is traditionally performed on hot coals?

The char-char.

Thursday 27 March 2014

#1017

Why did the impulsive person see a dermatologist?

To cure her of her rash decisions.

Wednesday 26 March 2014

#1016

At first, the turtle had been shy and reluctant, but over the last week it had really come out of its shell.

Tuesday 25 March 2014

#1015

If these walls could speak, they would have many storeys to tell.

Monday 24 March 2014

#1014

Since becoming an acrobat, the actor had grown more and more uncomfortable with the regular exhortation to break a leg.

Sunday 23 March 2014

#1013

The hospital was painted with runes to ward off evil spirits.

Saturday 22 March 2014

#1012

The displaced soccer club's request to host a game was dismissed on the basis that they had no grounds for their claim.

Friday 21 March 2014

#1011

A: I was just typing when I suddenly lost all sensation in my fingers. Do you know what's happening?

B: Yes, that would be the Numb Lock.

Thursday 20 March 2014

#1010

What did Admiral Ackbar cry when he saw the canvas sheet?

"It's a tarp!"

Wednesday 19 March 2014

#1009

Angelo longed for the first violin part; he was tired of playing second fiddle.

Tuesday 18 March 2014

#1008

A: I think I have hives, whom should I call?

B: Depending on the variety, a doctor or a beekeeper.

Monday 17 March 2014

#1007

A: I just know that something is afoot.

B: The thing at the base of your leg with five toes. That's a foot. You know this.

Sunday 16 March 2014

#1006

A: Do you like electronic dance mats?

B: I'm just not sure of where I stand on them.

Saturday 15 March 2014

#1005

What kind of animal designs small plastic emblems that can be pinned onto clothing?

Badgers.

Friday 14 March 2014

Thursday 13 March 2014

#1003

How do you see what's happening in an anti-Russia riot?

Ukraine your neck.

Wednesday 12 March 2014

#1002

A: You really upset me! Didn't you see me crying?

B: Upset? I thought you were having a wail of a time.

Tuesday 11 March 2014

Monday 10 March 2014

#1000

Sherlock rounded the corner and stumbled to a halt. There was nobody in sight. His eyes pierced the shadows and swept every stone as his flashlight traced the length of the alley, only to find a silent dead end, and the crushingly heavy realisation of another failed pursuit. As he heaved in gulps of air, he noticed a small piece of paper lying on a cobble. Trembling with familiar dread, he bent down and held it up to the meagre beam of light dribbling out of a weary old street lamp. PERMISSION TO ATTEND, it read, in neatly printed black letters, infuriatingly identical to the other three notes.

Sherlock crumpled the paper with an angry fist. Once again, the suspect had given him the slip.

Sunday 9 March 2014

#999

Making durable formal wear was not the tailor's strong suit.

Saturday 8 March 2014

#998

Which soldiers are responsible for opening abscesses?

Lance Corporals.

Friday 7 March 2014

#997

"I don't care where the deer start running, as long as you understand that the buck stops here."

Thursday 6 March 2014

#996

Pat couldn't fit into the Lycra jumpsuit, not by any stretch of the imagination or fabric.

Wednesday 5 March 2014

#995

"I'm not saying that that insect is in my personal space. I'm just saying that it's beginning to enc-roach."

Tuesday 4 March 2014

#994

Having been stripped of its fur, the enormous beast, once magnificent, was now threadbear.

Monday 3 March 2014

#993

Which Charles Dickens novel tells the story of a slanting building?

Oblique House.

Sunday 2 March 2014

#992

Anastasia was used to ordered sets of items; now, in their absence, she was listless.

Saturday 1 March 2014

#991

Learning about photons is a most illuminating experience.

Friday 28 February 2014

#990

The DJ gazed at his old nemesis, his face sliding into a bitter smile. He paused to consider how long he had waited for this moment, and the answer made him decide that he should savour it. He slowly inhaled, absorbing the aroma of defeat, and began to speak.

"My, my, my. How the tables have turned."

Thursday 27 February 2014

Wednesday 26 February 2014

#988

"I have rabbits. Wanna see?"

Daniel glowered at the man who had uttered these words, and glumly wondered why people were so reluctant when he used the same line about his pets. Some day, he thought, someone would take an interest in his crabs.

Tuesday 25 February 2014

Monday 24 February 2014

#986

A: You should go. It's high time that you got some culture in you.

B: Couldn't I just eat some yoghurt?

Sunday 23 February 2014

#985

A: I don't understand why people are so biased against amputees.

B: Neither do I. I'm stumped.

Saturday 22 February 2014

#984

What happened when Neil Patrick Harris drank a tonne of milk?

It was legen-dairy.

Friday 21 February 2014

#983

"Do you go by any other names, Agent H20?"

"They call me Bond. Covalent Bond."

Thursday 20 February 2014

#982

A: They only do one yoga class at the same time every week.

B: Really? I would have expected a yoga class to be more flexible.

Wednesday 19 February 2014

#981

The water surrounding every castle in the area had become a distinctive moatif.

Tuesday 18 February 2014

#980

A: I think that bicycles should have as many lanes as cars.

B: Stop peddling such nonsense.

Monday 17 February 2014

#979

A: Did it shrink in the wash?

B: No, it shrank while being ironed - during the de-creasing process.

Sunday 16 February 2014

#978

Why did the painter struggle with pronunciation?

He had a cleft palette.

Saturday 15 February 2014

#977

"You seem to be unaware of some of the basics of Marxism. Have you been skipping classes?"

Friday 14 February 2014

#976

The vendetta between the manufacturers of running shoes was laced with intrigue.

Thursday 13 February 2014

#975

"Potted, not pot. I said you could have a potted plant on your desk."

Senior Constable Mathieson was beginning to have concerns about the calibre of some of the new recruits.

Wednesday 12 February 2014

#974

The disdainful glutton scoffed at the very notion, and also the pies.

Tuesday 11 February 2014

#973

Which rodents belonged to the Nazi party's inner circle?

Gerbils.

Monday 10 February 2014

#972

"But t'is is t'e only way I know to speak."

George the Third reflected that employing this man as a herald had not been the best marketing choice.

Sunday 9 February 2014

#971

Where do closeted chiropractors go hiking?

Brokeback Mountain.

Saturday 8 February 2014

#970

Confusing Chewbacca with Jar Jar Binks is a wookiee error.

Friday 7 February 2014

#969

The marsupials outsmarted the humans with a cunning roos.

Thursday 6 February 2014

#968

At the top of the food chain, of course, sits the macaroni necklace.

Wednesday 5 February 2014

#967

The cobbler was impressed by the acrobat's tremendous feat.

Tuesday 4 February 2014

#966

In chess, choosing to castle early is a rookie mistake.

Monday 3 February 2014

#965

A: Idaho -

B: Don't say that - I would never consider you a whore.

Sunday 2 February 2014

#964

All eagles can catch prey, but Toby was particularly talonted.

Saturday 1 February 2014

#963

A: Honesty, loyalty, generosity - you just can' buy them.

B: Yeah, you can't get value for money.

Friday 31 January 2014

#962

"I bought two thermometers, two rulers, and two weighing scales - just for good measure."

Thursday 30 January 2014

#961

A: Did you really order five hundred kilograms of bacon?

B: Come on, I'm sure we've all made rasher decisions.

Wednesday 29 January 2014

#960

"I know that your skin condition is uncomfortable," said the doctor, "but don't make any rash decisions."

Tuesday 28 January 2014

#959

Rachel felt that tall people blocking her view at the cinema was the height of bad manners.

Monday 27 January 2014

#958

As an experienced devil, Eli knew that patience was key to his work - it would be unrealistic to expect people to sin on the first at-tempt.

Sunday 26 January 2014

#957

"I don't have time for my glands to function - I leave that to my secrete-ary."

Saturday 25 January 2014

#956

Judith rose quickly through the ranks of the male-dominated company; however, she was fired after an unfortunate mishap involving her and a now irreparable glass ceiling.

Friday 24 January 2014

Thursday 23 January 2014

#954

Perhaps it was his frustration with the scarce evidence, or perhaps it was his migraine, but that day, Jacob the prosecutor gave a particularly cross examination.

Wednesday 22 January 2014

#953

What did the Marine shout as he knocked the glassware off each shelf?

"Crystal clear!"

Tuesday 21 January 2014

#952

What kind of engineers are the most polite?

Civil engineers.

Monday 20 January 2014

Sunday 19 January 2014

#950

The medical school exam assessors were accused of doctoring results.

Saturday 18 January 2014

#949

"Remember, children, don't run with scissors. You don't want to end up in Blade Runner."

Friday 17 January 2014

#948

"I understand that you appreciate chess games with unusual promotions, but I think you're taking it a bit far, William."

Shakespeare's publisher was unimpressed with the first draft of Twelfth Knight.

Thursday 16 January 2014

#947

As the days ebbed away after Christmas, Teresa could not help but feel that she, and indeed the whole world, was headed in an Easterly direction.

Wednesday 15 January 2014

#946

In which US state is it impossible to purchase a large soft drink?

Minisoda.

Tuesday 14 January 2014

#945

The earliest disciples encountered Cheeses on the road to Em-mouse.

Monday 13 January 2014

#944

"Stop looking at the salad! You'll dry it out!"

Gavin stood up, stunned. He had no idea that people could tell that he had been undressing it with his eyes.

Sunday 12 January 2014

#943

"Don't give into ticket inspectors," warned William, "they're just seeking validation."

Saturday 11 January 2014

#942

Which story of the creation of the world attributes it to asexual reproduction?

The Book of Parthenogenesis.

Friday 10 January 2014

#941

After the explosions across the Strait of Hormuz, the entire region was en-Gulfed in flames.

Thursday 9 January 2014

#940

After the floods, the ancient stones of the fertility temple were as wet as a shag on a rock.

Wednesday 8 January 2014

#939

The walls of Gerald's aquarium were constructed entirely out of crystal; he couldn't bear to see his exotic pets flopping around like fish out of Waterford.

Tuesday 7 January 2014

#938

Teacher: Use the word feckless in a sentence.

Student: An Irish person who's not allowed to swear is feckless.

Monday 6 January 2014

#937

A: Do you want to learn Filipino with us?

B: I suppose I might as well tag-alog.

Sunday 5 January 2014

#936

Those who try to run a nursery without any training are likely to crèche and burn.

Saturday 4 January 2014

#935

Depending on how you interpret the expression "winter is coming", you may never be able to enjoy snow.

Friday 3 January 2014

#934

Why don't Jews have confession?

All the rabbis would be sin-agog.

Thursday 2 January 2014

#933

The stationery and ammunition store was having a sale on clips.

Wednesday 1 January 2014

#932

It had been an emotional day for the woodcutter; he had never felled this way before.