Thursday, 30 June 2011


Erectile dysfunction: when the only cock-up is the absence thereof.

Tuesday, 28 June 2011


A: I start work as a neurologist this Monday!

B: You must be really psyched.


"Especially given that this is a unisex college, you are reminded of the need for appropriate behaviour in the sleeping quarters. Anyone who needs to blow their nose will use a tissue - there will be no hanky panky in the dormitories."


As university students nervously approach their final exams, there is a degree of uncertainty.

Monday, 27 June 2011


What did the current utter menacingly as it passed through the conductor?

"Resistance is futile."


Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art seriously hot.


Never argue with a herbalist. They always have the fennel word.


What kind of dog is most useful when making a presentation?

A pointer.


You're giving me a blunt pencil? I'm afraid I fail to see the point.

Sunday, 26 June 2011


I have a friend called Eden. Her house is pretty cool, but there's an angel with a sword of flame who won't let anyone into the garden.


If the truth hurts, you should have it checked by a dentist.

Tuesday, 21 June 2011


Are you saying that drinking some potion will resolve all my problems? Pardon me, but I find that a bit hard to swallow.


Comfort food: I don't drown my sorrows; I smother them.


Vacuum cleaners suck.

Monday, 20 June 2011


A: You're a plumber who can dance? That's amazing!

B: Yeah, I've done a bit of tap.

Saturday, 18 June 2011


What do you call a rapper who can predict the future?

Seeing Eye Dog.


What do Windows and Macintosh have in common?

They both keep out the rain.


I visited my doctor to ask him why I hear a quacking sound every time I lower my head. He explained that that is the sound a duck makes.

Friday, 17 June 2011


Why are big instructions expressed in powers of ten?

Because they are orders of magnitude.

Thursday, 16 June 2011


I wonder whether Humphrey B Bear is related to Justin B Ber?


We don't like to say "putting makeup on a pop star". We prefer to call it "ad-Justin Bieber".

Tuesday, 14 June 2011


When on kitchen duty, the hunchback of Notre Dame treated potatoes like bells: they were there to be pealed.

Tuesday, 7 June 2011


I've seen many bakery thieves in my time, but I have to say that this one takes the cake.


"That's disgusting! Gah!"

She stormed out of the room.


She scratched her head.

"Gah. Gah."

She inclined her head thoughtfully.


And thus a star was born...


'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have eaten the last slice of cheesecake.

Monday, 6 June 2011


A: Oh no! I'm lactose intolerant!

B: You must be really cheesed off.

I am sorry to say that I actually did this to a friend.


A: I'm thinking about writing a book.

B: What a novel idea!

Sunday, 5 June 2011


Who first used coloured liquids to record text on paper?
The Inkas.

Who repaired their printers?
The Aztechs.

Friday, 3 June 2011


The pressure was on in the casino's restaurant. The steaks were high and the chips were down.

The man rifling through the garbage bins at the back and the confident card player inside had one thing in common: they both had one hand in the bag.

Meanwhile, a job interview was taking place in the back room.
Q: What will you do when the chips are down?
A: Apply the five second rule.

Thursday, 2 June 2011


Making jokes about redheads is very risky, so I have phrased this gingerly.