Saturday, 31 December 2016


Why did the grammar school's corporal punishment policy only permit spanking the right buttocks of students?

They had a No Child's Left Behind policy.

Friday, 30 December 2016


What do you call a channel that carries foul-tasting water?

An acriduct.

Thursday, 29 December 2016


Schaffy was sick of always being given the part of the stenographer; he felt that he had been type-cast.

Wednesday, 28 December 2016


Why did the sailor complain in semaphore?

To flag an issue with the ship.

Tuesday, 27 December 2016


Where do American children learn about the periodic table?

At elementary school.

Monday, 26 December 2016


Samantha the fashion designer had come under heavy criticism for her pattern inspired by diseased human skin, but she maintained that leper print would be the leading trend of the coming decade.

Sunday, 25 December 2016


As St Peter's Square filled up for the Christmas day service, the growing crowd rapidly approached critical Mass.

Saturday, 24 December 2016


In the shipping industry, what vessels are used to handle the flow during a heavy period?

Ocean liners.

Friday, 23 December 2016


What do you call a collection of rodents hidden in a man's facial hair?

A mouse-stash.

Thursday, 22 December 2016


What do you call the use of an inappropriate stage object in place of a similar-looking one?

A mala-prop.

Wednesday, 21 December 2016

Tuesday, 20 December 2016


Indah hadn't enjoyed her previous birthdays, but looking at all the gifts that she had received this year, she decided that she enjoyed the present day.

Monday, 19 December 2016


What is a duck's favourite kind of cured meat?

Bill tong.

Sunday, 18 December 2016

Saturday, 17 December 2016


How did the ship's captain feel when his incompetent crew tied him into their knots?


Friday, 16 December 2016


After being shunned for his new perfume, Hamish felt very cologne-ly.

Thursday, 15 December 2016


Hugo's new colleagues didn't seem to laugh at jokes about the people who had recommended him for this job; he was dismayed that they never understood his references.

Wednesday, 14 December 2016


What piece of furniture can be used as a dressing gown in hospital?

A ward-robe.

Tuesday, 13 December 2016


What do you call the feeling of being refreshed and renewed from listening to the work of a Barbadian pop singer?


Monday, 12 December 2016


Why did the recovering addict do the hokey pokey?

To turn himself around.

Sunday, 11 December 2016


What do you call the feeling of envying someone else's hair products?


Saturday, 10 December 2016


What do you call a formal dance featuring only Pachelbel's most famous piece?

A canon ball.

Friday, 9 December 2016


What do you call a head of a school who is friends with a young male member of the royal family?

A prince-i-pal.

Thursday, 8 December 2016


For the head monk, problems with the temple were his biggest headache.


A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer went to a session where he could have dessert again and again for 24 hours.

A: I don't even understand what you-

B: It was an all-day re-treat.

Tuesday, 6 December 2016


Dolly was weary of the noisy people on her train; she wished that they would be com-muter.

Monday, 5 December 2016


Why did the Apostles always fight over music choices for road trips?

They were all off one aux cord.

Sunday, 4 December 2016


"So he was here just this morning?"

Sherlock's mind was racing. It all added up - the footprints, the open vault, the note in the atlas - they all led to this antique shop. As he glanced at an ornate brass-rimmed mirror that caught his reflection in the dusty sunbeams, he felt that he knew what was coming next. If the thief had tried to dispose of that chess set here, it was all over.

"Yes sir, I'm just in 'ere minding me own business, polishing this oak chair what I got in 'ere yesterday, when this chap runs in, in a great big rush 'e was too, and wants to give me this old chess set, says it's from the sixteenth century. Now a deal's a deal, I says, so I asked 'im if I could inspect it, and ..."

The man kept talking, but Sherlock's attention trailed off. A glimmer of a satisfied smile teased his lips. The suspect had truly given the game away.

Saturday, 3 December 2016


What did the insect attacks coordinator say when the wasp attack failed?

"Time for Plan Bee."


A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer wanted his blog to be closer to God.

A: And he thought he could achieve this by leaving a gap in the posting schedule?

B: Yes, he thought it would make it more holey.

Thursday, 1 December 2016


What is the favourite holiday of backstage theatre technicians?

A crews.