#624

After forty years of peeling lemons, Ariane still retained her zest for life.

#623

High ambient temperature can hasten the spoiling process. Seafood is particularly prawn to this.

#622

The Church of Coconut was in uproar. One of their fundamental precepts was the sacredness of moisture. Yet, here before their very eyes, lay a desecrated coconut.

#621

What did Gandalf say to the computer programmer?

"You shall not parse."

#620

Employer: It says here that you worked in Her Majesty's gardens.

Candidate: Yes, I was an assistant to the Royal Gardener, and worked in one of the hedge-trimming sectors.

Employer: Using hedge-trimming secateurs?

Candidate: I no longer want this job.

#619

"I don't understand it. I'm calm, caring, and warm. I have years of experience as a nurse. I look after my patients better than anyone else. I do everything for them! I'm the very model of a midwife, and yet all my patients get nervous around me. What am I doing wrong?"

"I expect they're just nervous to be around a nurse with such a tremendous reputation, Miss Carriage."

#618

A: We know that Cathy's cheating. But how do we prove it?

B: Our only option is to Catherine the act.

A: We are no longer working together on this.

#617

Tracy, a former gangster-rapping cave explorer, reflected that his language hadn't changed much since he had become a contract lawyer. Where once he might have said, "Where's that cave at?" he now asked, "Where's that caveat?"

#616

What did John Lennon say to his wife when the Beatles split?

"Ono!"

#615

What is the most famous hymn of the Church of Uranium?

Be Thou My Fission

#614

After examining the work of Newton and Leibniz, I find it hard to differentiate between the two.

#613

If you go to Russia right now, you might meteor Maker.

#612

"So the butler had been dancing with pickles on Dutch privateers."

It was all falling into place. Susan the detective had got to the bottom of these curious capers.

#611

Yes, it was a strange city. Yes, she had never worked on a drug case before. Yes, they had sent her here with no evidence or intelligence whatsoever. Yet, as Susan the detective stepped off the train, she knew exactly which way to walk. If there was one thing she had learned in her years with the police, it was that every city has a High St. And that that's where the drugs are.

#610

Henry VIII loved sports cars - his whole family preferred Tudor vehicles to four-door models.

#609

Which contemporary pop star is known for making clothes quickly?

Tailor Swift.

#608

As the torturer continued to flutter his eyelids, the prisoner begged for the lashing to end.

#607

Some dogs drink water with quick, dainty flicks of their tongue. These are referred to as "lap dogs".

#606

Once upon a time in a mint:

A: These coins are impractical. I wish we had something lighter and convenient for larger denominations. Do you know what I mean? Maybe made of paper instead of metal.

B: Sure, I'll make a note of it.

#605

As they walked around, carrying their tents and sleeping bags, the hikers looked very camp.

#604

Clearly in the red and with no way out, the manager of the hydroelectric plant realised that it would have to enter liquidation.

#603

The colonial hipster liked Asian labourers before they were coolies.

#602

What did Elvis say when both he and his date had chaperones?

"We can't go on together with suspicious minders."

#601

A: Which gun contains the bullets?

B: Well, that's a loaded question.

#600

Xavier was usually unimpressed by natural phenomena, but after noticing the beauty of moisture settling on plants in the morning, he felt that he had to give credit where it was dew.

#599

"We don't want your sort in here," growled the bartender as he threw the array ordering function out of his front door.

#598

They tried to offer Miranda some chocolate, but she wouldn't have a bar of it.

#597

Teacher: Use the word despise in a sentence.

Student: Des-pise were delicious, so I ate them.

#596

Largo? Ain't nobody got time for that.

#595

After his salad leaves were stolen, Cedric was cress-fallen.

#594

Unable to support the weight of the enormous lettuce, the ocean liner disappeared beneath the waves. It was not the first time that a ship had been sunk by an iceberg.

#593

Where does Gollum perform his burlesque show?

In the Sméagol-tent.

#592

A beginner at chess is called a rook-ie.

#591

What kind of arthritis makes sufferers more inclined to spread gossip?

Rumour-tism.

#590

Giles didn't like attending auctions, so he hired a servant to do his bidding.

#589

The situation in the Middle East is becoming quite Syria-s.

#588

If I were a homeless beggar, and someone gave me some money, I would thank them and add, "I love you. No hobo."

#587

A: Those people are fighting because none of them have any loose change.

B: Oh no! Please stop this cents-less violence!

#586

Hansel and Gretel were particularly delighted to find that their room in the gingerbread house had an en-sweet bathroom.

#585

What do you call a pattern made out of adjacent, interlocking curtain ornaments?

A tassel-lation.

#584

It is widely believed that Helen would not have been abducted had she been Troying hard enough to avoid it.

#583

Michael the algebra policeman considered incorrect denominators to be a minor infraction.

#582

As the dressmaker tried to skirt around every question, Susan felt the suspicion that a detective always feels when all is not as it seams. She knew that if she connected the loose threads, there would be a pattern here somewhere. She knew that she had to tighten her questioning, and hem in this dressmaker. Perhaps, then, she would stop weaving lies and fanciful fabrications, and give Susan some information with which she could stitch up this case.

#581

"Good morning, Mr - what was it? - ah yes, Bond, Mr Bond. I'm Toby, from Toby and Sons Carpentry. I'm here to put up that shelf you wanted ... No, I'm not a spy ... No, I'm not a secret agent ... No, I'm not going to bug your living room ... Look, Mr Bond, I'm just here to do your shelf. I'm a registered carpenter - look, can you see this? This is my license to drill."

#580

"Nice to see you, Mr Bond, please take a seat ... what'll it be today, the usual trim? Short back and sides? You wouldn't fancy a blonde tint or some red highlights? No? No matter, we can always ... dye another day."

#579

Molly tried to campaign against headscarves, but to no a-veil.

#578

My hobby: teaching hardened criminals new vocabulary.

"You best watch out, or I'mma rebuke yo' ass!"

#577

Eliza practised pronouncing the letter 'h' every day; achieving proper diction was her greatest aspiration.

#576

Billy had got almost everything wrong in the class test; he wasn't sure whether the teacher had marked his paper or used it to play noughts and crosses.

#575

Horace found NFL video games to be Maddeningly infuriating.