#931

After paying the tax, Angela felt quite fee-ble.

#930

Which cosmetics company targets van drivers?

Lorry-al.

#929

Aravind avoided boiled sweets, as he tended to waste time choking on them - and he had no time for lollygagging.

#928

What kind of domestic animal lives on the floors of automobiles?

Car-pets.

#927

What did the wireless pirate cry upon finding an internet connection?

"LAN ahoy!"

#926

"So the doctor says to me, make sure you get up and walk on the plane, or you'll be at risk of deep vein thrombosis! So I ask him why, and he says he doesn't have time to go into the reasons, so I say to him, I don't think you have any deep vein throm-basis. And he punches me."

#925

For novice historians, confusing the dates of events that happened before and after the birth of Jesus is a fairly Common Error.

#924

A: I would normally never let you into my house, B, but it's Christmas Eve. Come and stay with me. I only hope that the time you've spent homeless will have at least reduced your desire to make puns.

B: Thank you, A. But I should warn you: not even spending a week on the street could curb that.

A: Oh well. Try to restrain yourself. Merry Christmas, B.

[They walk off together.]

B: Hey, A?

A: Yes?

B: Have you read that best-selling autobiography of the woman who could not stay still?

A: I haven't even heard of it.

B: It's generally considered to be very moving.

A: Why me? Why, why, why?

B: Merry Christmas, A.

#923

A: Have you had anything to eat since yesterday?

B: Oh, I managed to squirrel up something.

A: Squirrel up? That's not a thing.

B: Think about it.

A: I am, and it doesn't seem to make any-

B: I ate a squirrel, okay?

#922

A: I understand that you need to go through people's garbage, but could you not leave it in such a mess?

B: Would you say that I've scattered it?

A: Yes, that's exactly-

B: That I've trashed it?

#921

A: Did you find any food today?

B: I managed to rat out a thing or two.

#920

A: How's life on the street?

B: It's a wonderfully eye-opening experience - although I think I might get tired of watching twilight every day.

#919

A: Could you please stop telling me about that warehouse sale? I'm trying to do some work, in case you hadn't noticed, and I don't need your interference.

B: Interference? More like inter-clearance!

A: Don't make me lash out at-

B: Lash? More like slashed prices!

A: It's not even your warehouse!

B: Not my warehouse? More like, where is my house?

A: You don't have a house right now, do you?

B: I don't have a house? More like I don't have much time to grab these crazy bargains!

A: They're not going to give you a place to stay just because you advertise their sale.

B: Homeless and desperate? More like, I'm holding out for all their cardboard boxes to build my new home!

A: You can stay with me if you promise not to make puns.

B: Promise not to make puns? More like, can't wait for my exciting new adventure on the streets!

#918

Everyone at the morgue was nervous; they knew that they were undertaking a huge task.

#917

Sabrina's idea for a new luxury aircraft was dismissed by the board as a mere flight of fancy.

#916

The landscaping power tool inventor was developing a massive device to sand dunes.

#915

After her accident, the marine biologist had taken to carrying a mollusc wherever she went; now, she always walked with a limpet.

#914

Baffled by the condition, the dermatologist pored over all her reference books.

#913

Having just moved from his home enclosure to a tank full of electric eels, Donato the clam was struggling with the culture shock.

#912

A: No, it's a ridiculous proposition. I will not invest in this crazy scheme of yours.

B: Aw, you're no fund.

#911

What did the railroad pervert say upon reading a deeply tragic story?

"All aboard the feels train."

#910

Having mist the place for many years, his memory was foggy.

#909

The capacity for self-publication provided by the internet permits a highly competitive environment in which, for example, people making short films using their phones are all Vine for attention.

#908

You can't wear pantaloons. That breeches our dress code.

#907

"You know I hate innuendo. I can't believe you would al-lewd to such a thing."

#906

If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, does that mean that the other trees aren't even listening? Perhaps this explains why the tree decided to fall in the first place.

#905

What do you call a small curved stick made shortly after World War II that returns to its thrower?

A baby boomerang.

#904

Upon hearing the proposal, the mongrel had no choice but to con-cur.

#903

What do you call someone who refuses to accept that a flood is happening?

Deluge-ional.

#902

What do you call a friendly pig?

Ham-icable.

#901

What's the worst kind of city?

An atrocity.

#900

What does the small wolf say?

I don't know. Some kind of jack-call.

#899

What did the choir director who was also a pirate say?

"Shiver me timbres!"

#898

The majority of the time taken to write a blog is spent in post production.

#897

How Star Trek could have used font choices to save space:

"To go where no man has gone before."

#896

People with synesthesia tend to associate Istanbul accents with a greenish-blue colour called turk-voice.

#895

What process do vicars undergo to increase their lifespans?

Pastor-isation.

#894

Yesterday there was a small change in my six-pack muscles. Did you notice my ab-cents?

#893

What do you call someone who wanders without any specific direction?

A vague-abond.

#892

Training dogs can be a very heeling experience.

#891

"These young streams are too distracted by technology," lamented the old Nile. "They don't even reed any more."

#890

The Olympic Athletes' Dinner was an embarrassing occasion; the tables were segregated by race.

#889

Since the global recession, the men's fashion industry has been in de-Klein.

#888

What do you call a book that is held together by magic?

Spellbound.

#887

Going several days without listening to Romantic-era music can leave some people Liszt-less.

#886

What do you call a thief who can't stop applauding?

A claptomaniac.

#885

What do you call an involuntary spasm caused by Asperger's syndrome?

An autis-tic.

#884

The fisherman was surprised to find that, after hauling in his biggest catch ever, his net worth had decreased.

#883

The chef's assistant was highly skilled at indicating the location of ingredients; he was an ideal kitchen pointer.

#882

What is the name of the film genre that consists of tragic romances in futuristic settings?

Sigh-fi.

#881

The dentist's apprentice had to sign her contract during a procedure; it was an in-denture indenture.

#880

How is food cooked in soap operas?

Using gasp-powered stoves.

#879

Since beginning to design costumes for musical theatre productions, the leather workers had significantly improved their belts.

#878

Why did the band go to the cliffs for training?

They had heard that they would be able to find a rock formation there.

#877

He tried to sell me a bunch of canvases that had been randomly splashed with paint, but I wasn't going to pay so much for a pile of old Pollocks.

#876

What do you call a pirate who steals a square-rigged ship?

A brigand.

#875

A: Did you find out who burst the balloons?

B: No, I am yet to pop the question.

#874

What did Poseidon do when the tenants living inside his sea monsters reached the end of their contracts?

RE-LEASE THE KRAKEN!

#873

Giovanna tried to add sugar to the mixture, but that only exacerbicated the problem.

#872

A: Why wasn't there a blog post on the second of November?

B: Because I wanted the readers to expect one, any second now, all day.

[Writer's note: I thought of this pun about three weeks ago and had to wait for the second of the month to use it.]

#871

This letter is from a concerned resident who has been disturbed by the noise of the mating bees. In it, he bemoans the bee moans.

#870

"Mr Pell, do you have a motto?"

"Oh, yes, Doctor. Sharing is caring. That's my life motto."

"Because I have your test results, Mr Pell. You have syphilis."

#869

Vincent van Gogh found the ghostly apparition earily familiar.

#868

Which famous building is the most popular spot for suicides?

The I-fell Tower.

#867

"I swear, Skrillex, if you do that one more time, you'll be out of the choir! You shouldn't even be trying to pick up the bass, let alone dropping him!"

#866

In the past, Iulia had found it hard to keep track of medieval Japanese military nobility, but this presentation had neatly Samuraised it for her.

#865

Adrian, an avid Dominion player, switched from Facebook to Google's social network in the hope of some plus action.

#864

"Please," begged the Mediterranean baker, "take pita on me!"

#863

A A Milne's first attempts at selling his work to publishers were met with much pooh-poohing.

#862

Analysing syllable emphasis is a very stressful task.

#861

What do you call a homeless person upon whom people are jumping?

A trampoline.

#860

The princess, ever a photography enthusiast, kissed the frog, hoping it would turn into some handsome prints.

#859

A: People can still walk around for several hours after losing their intestines.

B: That would be a gutless wander.

#858

A: Have you seen the headlines? The psychiatric hospital has been secretly being electrocuting patients.

B: Oh no! That's shocking news!

#857

Kurt felt offended by the association; his replies were always polite, gentle, and elaborate.

#856

"I'll have some of the liquid remaining after curdling and straining milk."

"Eat in or take a-whey?"

#855

Which Eastern European country is named for its impressive fungal growths?

Mouldova.

#854

Having her trip diverted to a county in South West England made Suzy Bristol with rage.

#853

The barber decided to have a discounted happy hour. He called it Daylight Shaving Time.

#852

Which Dickens novel told the story of a backpacker who was torn between comfortable sofas in different houses?

A Tale of Two Settees.

#851

What's metal, has four prongs, and probably won't understand this joke?

A fork.

#850

Why did the lawyer buy a scratching post?

To sharpen his clause.

#849

James the hunter knew that his upper body strength was insufficient; he was going to have to lift his game.

#848

What can be found in the kitchen of an Indian convent?

Lots of naan.

#847

A: Two of the people I've invited are pansexual. Do you know what that means?

B: Not exactly, but I'm not letting them near my kitchen.

#846

What is the favourite cocktail of Hawaiian evangelical Christians?

Sects on the Beach.

#845

What kind of cheese tastes like Italian bacon when cooked?

Pan-cheddar.

#844

After two years of downsizing departments, Apple is still mourning the loss of Jobs.

#843

In his youth, the butterfly had been a cater-pillar of the community.

#842

What do you call a sad piece of intestinal bacteria?

Melan-coli.

#841

The government of the United States of America has been shut down temporarily; this is known as a Cong-rest.

#840

The incision was precise; it revealed exactly what he wanted to see. "Gland ahoy," cried the ship's surgeon.

The first mate was seasick for the first time in her life, and, despite being under anaesthetic, the patient winced.

#839

"Look at that dentist. Look at that sickeningly smug Pharisee, thinking he can lecture all of us about oral hygiene from atop his salivary tower."

#838

The lettuce could not be salvaged; it was a lost cos.

#837

"Here's mine. What do you think, professor?"

Radeya recoiled from the mass of flesh on her desk, still dripping with blood. She looked up at Simonetta, who was beaming proudly, and reflected that she should have given some clarification to her most literal-minded student when asking the class to design a coat of arms.

#836

A: Why don't you like baseball?

B: It's just not cricket.

#835

I considered making a pun about traditional English pastries, but I didn't want to sound Cornish.

#834

As the sheep looked sadly at the bucket full of her wool, she reflected that her predicament was shear bad luck.

#833

What did the fisherwoman say to her ex-boyfriend?

"If you liked it then you should have put herring on it."

#832

The nature of addiction means that people who begin to undertake behaviours such as self-harm or taking drugs feel often compelled to continue in that vein.

#831

If you lack confidence, try taking a bath - it might improve your self esteam.

#830

Which country is home to the most lions?

Denmark.

#829

A: Do you know anything about units of computer memory?

B: I know a bit.

#828

The three-dimensional model of the disaster was extremely graphic; it was quite a dire-rama.

#827

What did one ear say to the other?

"I lobe you."

#826

In the aftermath of the nuclear accident, the Ukrainian workers performed many Cher-noble acts of courage.

#825

Diana was always modest about her ability to both build and play brass instruments - she didn't like to blow her own horn.

#824

A: Do you think you can make a shoe by tomorrow?

B: I'm sure I can cobble something together.

#823

A: I don't like Robert Tapert's Warrior Princess franchise.

B: Stop being so Xena-phobic.

#822

A: How's your holiday in England going?

B: Terrible! No one told me about the currency, so I have to go fishing.

A: What? Why?

B: I tried to buy some food and the guy in the shop said that it would cost six squid.

A: You mean quid.

B: Well, hark at the naysayer. I will not quit. I will catch a squid. Or three hundred.

A: Quid means pound. The currency is pounds.

B: Pounds? How can pounds possibly be a currency? How many are there in England? How many squid do I need to catch to buy a whole pound? If I just round up a bunch of stray animals, will that qualify as a pound? How many animals do you need before you can call it a pound?

A: You know what? Forget what I said. Go catch some squid. Use your tongue as bait.

B: I have some inkling of how it's done.

A: Do you now?

B: Get it? Inkling? Because of squid ink? I was eating some squid earlier today when I thought of that pun.

A: You were eating squid? How did you acquire it?

B: I bought it.

A: You did what?

B: Oh, yeah, I know what pounds and quid mean. I just wanted to make the squid and inkling pun. I guess you -

A: I hate you.

B: - took the bait.

#821

A: My dog's been really sad after its accident.

B: If you want to cheer it up, why don't you take it for a walk?

A: Have you completely missed the events of the last two days? It lost three of its legs.

B: In that case, why don't you take it for a spin?

#820

A: Help me, B! My legs are caught in the whirlpool! Do something!

B: Relax, A. Don't get your trousers in a twist.

#819

"I brought the spinal samples, like you asked," said the intern, indicating the box. David looked at her and chuckled. The kid had some nerve.

#818

A: I feel awful. Today the doctor gave me a laxative.

B: Laxative? More like lacks-control.

A: I hate you.

B: Lacks control of your bowels, because-

A: I GOT IT.

#817

When is it cannibalism for a human to eat a fish?

When the human's name is Finn.

#816

A: There's a fire in the tropical rainforest!

B: Oh no! It must be a real in-fern-o!

#815

A: My doctor said that I have extremely high cholesterol.

B: Why do they call it cholesterol?

A: Does it matter? I'm really worried about my health.

B: I mean, when there's too much, wouldn't it make more sense to call it cho-more-terol?

#814

EXACT CASH ONLY

Bridget shook her head at the sign and sighed. "Some things never change."

#813

"The prosecution would like to present evidence that the accused did indeed commit acts of indecent exposure from his car. It's all here on our flash drive."

#812

A: I am very unsatisfied with my manicurist.

B: Maybe you should file a complaint.

#811

What do you call an amicable bond formed at sea?

Friend-ship.

#810

A: My monitor doesn't seem to be working.

B: Don't worry, I can gra-fix it.

#809

What is the term for simplified depiction of African culture by a medieval travelling entertainer?

Minstrelry.

#808

A: Bamboo becomes more endangered every year.

B: Oh no! This will result in utter panda-moan-ium!

#807

A: I've had enough of you and your word games.

B: Don't worry, I'm done with those. I just want to hang, man.

#806

What is the term for a face that has been wrecked by the rough tongue of a predator?

Dere-licked.

#805

A: You haven't even begun to prepare for your speech on cruelty to race horses!

B: Don't worry, I can whip something together in no time.

#804

Which Chinese philosopher is famous for his teachings on blending herbal tea?

Infucius.

#803

Why did the burglar wear a cloak?

To make a speedy es-cape.

#802

A: I've actually swallowed poison, okay? This is serious! So can you stop making jokes about it?

B: I'm sorry, I was only speaking ingest.

#801

A: Watch out for that font. It makes kerning hell.

B: Don't worry - I know the type.

#800

A: Are you coming to the funeral?

B: I can't come, I have to go to a stag night.

A: Who's the groom?

B: No one's getting married. I'm going hunting.

A: You sicken me.

B: Do you know what a stag does if you shoot its leg?

A: I don't want-

B: It staggers.

#799

Where do large African herbivorous mammals study neuroscience degrees?

At a hippocampus.

#798

What did the herd say to the pig who arrived last and missed out on food?

"Trough luck."

#797

"All these ropes are slack! Didn't you learn how to tie knots at maritime school?"

The apprentice hung his head.

"They never taut me, sir."

#796

A: Come on and stick your feet in the water.

B: I do not intend to dabble in such matters.

#795

A: Did you see what just happened in the street? A pregnant woman got hit by a car!

B: Now that's what I call a baby bump.

#794

What sound does an old clock make?

Antique-antock.

#793

The sound effect created by scrubbing skin is called ex-foley-ation.

#792

Poleana had handled large herds before, but the enormous number in front of her was more than she could muster.

#791

Male horses are rarely fit to lead a council, but female horses make excellent mayors.

#790

Jana never missed an opportunity for hunting; she was always game.

#789

The revolutionary never took a break from her mission; she was a rebel without a pause.

#788

The architect's proposed design for outdoor seating failed to meet the council's benchmark.

#787

A: So, you broke the shelf?

B: Al-ledge-edly.

#786

What kind of dance involves substituting translated dialogue for the original audio in foreign films?

Dubstep.

#785

What did the bachelor frog tell his guests upon arrival at his home?

"Welcome to my pad."

#784

Mauro tried to take a clear photograph of the wheat, but he could only get grainy images.

#783

Who was the most esteemed French knight of all?

Sir Render.

#782

Nina suggested travelling by plane, but the idea didn't fly with the board.

#781

Years of driving through the mountains had given Letizia tunnel vision.

#780

The male underwear model found it difficult to talk about his career in brief.

#779

A: It's chaotic in women's wear! I might stay here at the registers for a while.

B: That's right, just wait until it blouse over.

#778

What do you call a tax that guitarists pay for each musical idea?

A ta-riff.

#777

A: You rank people according to how they cry?

B: Yes, indeed. You're pretty good, you're in the second highest tear.

#776

Eugenia was very sensitive about the dirt under her nails. Any mention of it made her extremely an-gry.

#775

A: So, it looks like she's been working as a baby sitter?

B: Au-pair-ently.

#774

A: Be a dear and turn on the kettle.

B: Deer are typically incapable of operating household appliances.

#773

What do you call the allowance given to the elderly for stationery expenses?

Pen-sion.

#772

A: They said that they would prefer the artwork on the wall at the top of the hill rather than the bottom, and they've paid us more than enough to paint it up there. We owe it to them.

B: I knew you would take the mural high ground.

#771

As the rate of scientific discoveries increases, new physical models of the universe are a paradigm a dozen.

#770

Before working at the Large Hadron Collider, applicants must undergo a long process of disCERNment.

#769

A: I'm an avid collector of-

B: So am I!

A: Of what?

B: You just said it. Aphids.

#768

What do you call a secret, exclusive group of fruit growers?

An apricoterie.

#767

What did Kevin Rudd say when he realised that his fly was undone?

"I've got to zip."

#766

A: I had a dream in which I was on a large revolving merry-go-round, with painful unresolved memories from my past being played out in the other seats. I was terrified. What do you think it means?

B: Don't go near airports.

A: Why?

B: You're clearly afraid of baggage carousels.

#765

Nata didn't think that she would enjoy fishing, but soon, she was hooked.

#764

The truck driver stared flabbergasted at the gas station attendant, who was tenderly caressing his vehicle.

"Fill, not feel! I said, fill it up!"

#763

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse replies, "It's hard to be happy when you're wearing a sad-dle."

The alcoholic observing this does some serious thinking and quits drinking that very night.

#762

What tree makes sick people more unwell?

A sick-a-more.

#761

A group of musicians who play their instruments with the bases of their hands instead of their fingers is known as a wristband.

#760

What sounds like striking a mallet and grabs people's attention when worn on the head?

A striking mullet.

#759

What did the train driver say to the indecisive tourists who wanted to travel to another state?

"It's my way or the highway."

#758

A: Oh no! I've run out of hay!

B: Don't worry, I'll bale you out.

#757

A: I've been throwing up all day.

B: Poor retch.

#756

A: The strongest tremors were felt at the factory that produces anti-allergy injections.

B: I suppose you could call it the epicentre.

#755

A: I'm having a great time in Rome.

B: Are you going to change your hair colour when you leave?

A: Why?

B: You know the saying. "See Rome and dye."

#754

What did the lapidary yell at the thieves as they ran away with his gems?

"Jewel regret this!"

#753

It is common to see nuns in a convent, since this is their natural habit-at.

#752

Wallace claimed to have bronze skin, but no one could see any tan-gible proof.

#751

After a bitter dispute over who would keep the sweet sauce, the divorce court decided on joint custard-y.

#750

Teacher: Use the word eiderdown in a sentence.

Student: A fluctuating value cannot stay the same - it must go eiderdown or up.

#749

The Dutch businessman took out his social anxiety on his personal assistant. Whenever he met someone for the first time, he would shake Hans.

#748

What did the Jedi drug dealer say to thwart the police from his illegal steroids?

"These aren't the roids you're looking for."

#747

For many years, the British pronunciation of the term for a personal attendant was considered to be in-valet by the French.

#746

Throughout Asia, people often get confused between gruff local fishermen and their catch. It is notoriously difficult to distinguish between crusty Asians and their crustaceans.

#745

What device do the police use to detect child molesters?

A pedometer.

#744

Why couldn't the Chinese fruit grower communicate with the Chinese chorister?

One of them spoke Mandarin while the other spoke Cantor-nese.

#743

In an attempt to be more sensitive towards survivors of gunshot wounds, the police were trained to announce a trigger warning before firing.

#742

The study of ancient coins is known as old-mismatics.

#741

Which surgical instrument is used to cut open the flesh that covers the skull?

A scalp-el.

#740

Robert's attempt to assist the group of musicians was dismissed as a band-aid solution.

#739

The dyslexic historian thought that Russia had once been ruled by linen.

#738

Elspeth tried to find the missing bandage, but eventually she decided that it was a lost gauze.

#737

The experience of living under an leaky roof taught the children about the importance of a good sealing.

#736

Where do rodents house their tombs?

In a mouse-oleum.

#735

On what material does one write at the beach?

Sandpaper.

#734

A: Should I be worried about not having a jumper?

B: Nah, don't sweater it.

#733

A: Did you ask her if she had put a tap into the wine barrel?

B: I didn't know how to broach the topic.

#732

Whenever she overheard someone else's conversation, Eve lost all bowel control. Her habit of listening in became known as Eve's droppings.

#731

Musical chairs in Buckingham Palace: the original Game of Thrones.

#730

A: Why do you have a ramp instead of stairs?

B: Because that's how I roll.

#729

Years of experience working on the streets had made Michelle very prost-astute.

#728

The biggest ram in the flock fixed the farmer with a steely gaze.

"We herd you the first time."

#727

She claimed that she wasn't interested in One Direction, but it was obvious that she was in de-Niall.

#726

How do New Zealand beer makers greet each other?

"Hey, brew!"

#725

The gossip columnist thought that Brad and Angelina's family was the pits.

#724

What do you call it when a gun dealer browses through a sodium collection?

A salt rifle.

#723

"In this classroom, we use metric units. I will make you forget the imperial system, even if I have to pound it out of you!"

#722

What device only plays records with syntactically correct lyrics?

A grammar-phone.

#721

"We're worried about our daughter," explained the cannibal. "She's been off her face for a week - and face is her favourite!"

#720

To inexperienced farmers, ploughing can be a harrowing experience.

#719

Where do choristers store their wine?

In a de-cantor.

#718

A: Why wasn't there a post yesterday?

B: The mailmen were on strike.

A: Did you actually break the blog schedule just to make that pun?

B: Nothing is sacred.

#717

I would make a joke about the impecunious water-surrounded nation, but that would poor-isle humour.

#716

"Now, you gotta make some effort to sell these drugs, Tommy," drawled the mobster, "but nothing too drastic. Don't push it."

#715

Making handbags takes great purse-everance.

#714

Emotionally expressive cat owners enjoy talking about their felines.

#713

I would make a joke about sadomasochistic bestial necrophilia, but that would be flogging a dead horse.

#712

What do you call nobles who cannot have heirs?

Baron.

#711

What were the bus conductor's parting words?

"Fare thee well."

#710

Richard the famous physicist was generally considered to be a Fine man.

#709

The belly dancing instructor preferred to be known as a navel commander.

#708

Colin the cricket umpire was a messy eater at the best of times, but since he had started bringing honey and marmalade sandwiches to work, the players had found themselves on a rather sticky wicket.

#707

A: He spiked their drinks with sleeping pills.

B: That's sop-horrific!

#706

The politician's promise to import brightly coloured neotropical birds with large beaks was dismissed by many as empty toucanism.

#705

The ancient broth recipe stewed the test of time.

#704

A: Why are you avoiding me?

B: I heard it was your berth-day.

#703

The Middle Eastern baker reflected that the best thing about having kids was waking up to the pita patter of little feet.

#702

The tortoise beat the hare by carapacing itself.

#701

For Josh, the most uncomfortable aspect of changing his guitar strings was the tension it created.

#700

No matter how widely he opened his mouth, the cannibalistic lion could not swallow his pride.

#699

Who can survive in the Sahara?

An Afri can.

#698

What beverage was used as an instrument throughout 80s pop songs?

Ab-synth.

#697

How do bakers challenge each other's credibility?

"Do you even sift, bro?"

#696

A: Did all the self-absorbed people find adjacent chairs?

B: Yes, they are con-seated.

#695

The mirror couldn't help showing people images of themselves. It was a reflects action.

#694

How do you spot radiologists at a party?

They're the ones scanning the room.

#693

Why was King Solomon often asked to resolve conflicts?

He was an excellent ad-Jew-dicator.

#692

One year ago, Millicent wouldn't have had the confidence to lift a large rock, but since she'd started moving small and medium-sized stones, she had been getting boulder.

#691

Have you heard the one about the computer that could stop time? It never gets old.

#690

What happened when the bread maker took drugs?

He got baked.

#689

A: He doesn't want any of our minerals.

B: Well, less phos for him, more phos for us.

#688

Teacher: Use the word dispersion in a sentence.

Student: Dispersion is from Tehran, but that Persian is from Isfahan.

#687

After 20 years working in a pencil shop, Gladys felt that her career was stationary.

#686

The Jewish community in Japan has established a Whaling Wall.

#685

A: These small nails are really ugly.

B: Are you saying that they look tacky?

#684

What word appears at the end of any film about sharks?

Fin.

#683

What did the madam say when her girls returned to work after a holiday?

"Long time, no D."

#682

What do you call someone who sells narcotics from a bicycle?

A drug peddler.

#681

Composers who use too many triplets tend to be arrested and kept inside a compound.

#680

What do bees do when they're angry?

Cross-pollination.

#679

A: My ballroom dancing teacher says that I'm an absolute failure.

B: Don't worry, A. There are plenty of other dances you can try. An abun-dance, if you will.

[Pause. A crunching sound.]

B: For example, you excel at high kicks.

#678

Who sings the best break-up songs?

Dolly Partin'.

#677

The dictator was tired of improper male geese. It was time for some propaganda.

#676

Marina was disappointed by the lack of interest in her warm baked goods business - she had expected them to sell like hot cakes.

#675

Given his name, the music of Carcassi is surprisingly lively.

#674

As a job, de-seeding cherries would be the pits.

#673

Having just arrived at the Manhattan statistics conference, Tessa was in an empirical state of mind.

#672

Robin's parents intervened as soon as he started modifying their front fence - they knew that it could be a gateway to more serious construction projects.

#671

I want to write books about a nineteenth century German philosopher, but I'm afraid that it would only appeal to a Nietzsche market.

#670

A: You only sell tickets at a fixed price? What about discounts for children, students, or seniors?

B: I'm afraid that we make no such concessions.

#669

"They're running out of plastic tubes intended for transferring a beverage from its container to the mouth of the drinker by use of suction? This is the last straw!"

#668

I amino state to do this chemistry exam.

#667

"It's elementary, my dear Watson. At seven o'clock that morning, he was searching for his missing deodorant. At eight o'clock, he was found dead on his bathroom floor. Well, that very same bottle of deodorant is on this table. There is no mystery to this murder, Watson. Right before our eyes, we have the missing Lynx."

#666

In what shape is hay served to Cattle-ics?

In a Christian Bale.

#665

What did Lady Macbeth say while doing her laundry?

"Out, damned spot! out, I say!"

#664

Noah had included a private cabin so that he would have a space to himself when the animals arked up too much.

#663

After quitting her job as a human rotating clothes rack, a position she had held for the past twenty years, Erin was dismayed to find that her old colleagues were calling her a turncoat.

#662

Diehard Democrats will always Barack for Obama.

#661

Many asthma sufferers find the traditions of the Vatican to be incense-itive.

#660

What do company executives play to relax after meetings?

Board games.

#659

Odette had everything she needed to take the revolution to the capital - the numbers, the spirit, the timing. The only obstacle that stood in her way was the marshland, which had risen above the road after the deluge. She was a rebel without a causeway.

#658

A: Why do you always give me a clock for my birthday?

B: Because there's no time like the present.

#657

Which novel by Leo Tolstoy told the tragic tale of a ceramic vessel flute's affair with a Count?

Ana Ocarin-ina.

#656

The aging mobster was so shocked by the sudden entry of police into his den that he suffered a heart attack. It was later referred to as a cardiac arrest.

#655

Most of the time, it was an ordinary house; but, every full moon, it was transformed into a warehouse.

#654

I hope that everyone has a (wait for it) Good Friday.

#653

Critics agreed that the greatest strength of Slumdog Millionaire was the caste.

#652

A: Would you like to learn how to tie together thin strings of timber?

B: I wood knot.

#651

What breed of geese live near Spain?

Portu-geese.

#650

What did the beaver say when he learned that his home river was being affected by global warming?

"Hot dam!"

#649

What did the plumber say when the electrical supplies company gave her free advertising?

"Thanks for the plug."

#648

As the Japanese gardeners charged, their blood-curdling scream rang around the valley.

"BONSAIIIIII!"

#647

What did Goldilocks eat at the house of the Three Bears?

Paw-ridge.

#646

A: Do I have copyright permission to use any of these photos?

B: You can use the photo of the goods in store, the photo of the cattle, the photo of the powdered beef, and the photo of the tree trunk - they're all stock images.

#645

Fiona found her new, well-fitting gloves very useful; they were very handy.

#644

Teacher: Use the word accord in a sentence.

Student: I need to tie up this bundle of sticks, but I don't have accord.

#643

Employer: It says here that you worked as an engineer.

Candidate: Yes, my work there was in remote operations. As the lead engineer, I coordinated overseas projects.

Employer: More like an engi-far.

Candidate: I no longer want this job.

#642

The giant weaving machine loomed menacingly.

#641

"Did you cook Megan's meal first just because she's a vegetarian? I can't believe you'd put herbivore me."

#640

As an actress, Jennifer was one of the very best at crying; she knew that she was definitely ranked in the top tear.

#639

An alleged quarrel between the former Pope Benedict XVI and the newly elected Pope Francis I has been reported, but journalists remain uncertain of the motives for this pon-tiff.

#638

The sergeant gazed glumly at the large pile of floppy hats before him. He glanced at his youngest charge, who was standing to attention next to the heap.

"It was hard, sir. Especially here in Afghanistan, sir. But I managed to find enough for the whole squad sir," he concluded, beaming with pride.

The sergeant sighed.

"Fetch us Berettas, I said, Private Gorton. Not berets, Berettas."

#637

Today on Unusual Collectors, we met Larry, who keeps a stache of facial hair.

#636

Penny was partial to Swiss cheese; she found it very holesome.

#635

The lawn maintenance group, like many other community collectives, considered itself a grassroots movement.

#634

Gabriel the perfumer was having problems with his emails - he couldn't access the scent items.

#633

Emma liked to use her freerunning skills to spy on her colleagues. This earned her the nickname "nosy parkour".

#632

Many banks have begun to offer carpenters a vault in which to store any spare bits of wood. These are known as shavings accounts.

#631

Mathematician A: What's your favourite inequality?

Mathematician B: Racism.

#630

Teacher: Use the word supersede in a sentence.

Student: You can grow an epic plant if you have a supersede.

#629

The hens formed an association in order to lobby together for more corn. It was called the Chicken Co-op.

#628

Most people thought that Boris was a clear favourite to win the World Drooling Championships. However, he did not live up to expectorations.

#627

Arnaud had established a shop dedicated solely to disgusting fruit and vegetables. It was to be called a grosserie.

#626

What did Jesus say when he secured a sports broadcast for his network?

"I have come that they may have live coverage, and have it to the fullest."

#625

On his first day of work as the music teacher at a special needs school, Renzo learned that shouting, "Ritard!" was not the best way to tell the students to play slowly.

#624

After forty years of peeling lemons, Ariane still retained her zest for life.

#623

High ambient temperature can hasten the spoiling process. Seafood is particularly prawn to this.

#622

The Church of Coconut was in uproar. One of their fundamental precepts was the sacredness of moisture. Yet, here before their very eyes, lay a desecrated coconut.

#621

What did Gandalf say to the computer programmer?

"You shall not parse."

#620

Employer: It says here that you worked in Her Majesty's gardens.

Candidate: Yes, I was an assistant to the Royal Gardener, and worked in one of the hedge-trimming sectors.

Employer: Using hedge-trimming secateurs?

Candidate: I no longer want this job.

#619

"I don't understand it. I'm calm, caring, and warm. I have years of experience as a nurse. I look after my patients better than anyone else. I do everything for them! I'm the very model of a midwife, and yet all my patients get nervous around me. What am I doing wrong?"

"I expect they're just nervous to be around a nurse with such a tremendous reputation, Miss Carriage."

#618

A: We know that Cathy's cheating. But how do we prove it?

B: Our only option is to Catherine the act.

A: We are no longer working together on this.

#617

Tracy, a former gangster-rapping cave explorer, reflected that his language hadn't changed much since he had become a contract lawyer. Where once he might have said, "Where's that cave at?" he now asked, "Where's that caveat?"

#616

What did John Lennon say to his wife when the Beatles split?

"Ono!"

#615

What is the most famous hymn of the Church of Uranium?

Be Thou My Fission

#614

After examining the work of Newton and Leibniz, I find it hard to differentiate between the two.

#613

If you go to Russia right now, you might meteor Maker.

#612

"So the butler had been dancing with pickles on Dutch privateers."

It was all falling into place. Susan the detective had got to the bottom of these curious capers.

#611

Yes, it was a strange city. Yes, she had never worked on a drug case before. Yes, they had sent her here with no evidence or intelligence whatsoever. Yet, as Susan the detective stepped off the train, she knew exactly which way to walk. If there was one thing she had learned in her years with the police, it was that every city has a High St. And that that's where the drugs are.

#610

Henry VIII loved sports cars - his whole family preferred Tudor vehicles to four-door models.

#609

Which contemporary pop star is known for making clothes quickly?

Tailor Swift.

#608

As the torturer continued to flutter his eyelids, the prisoner begged for the lashing to end.

#607

Some dogs drink water with quick, dainty flicks of their tongue. These are referred to as "lap dogs".

#606

Once upon a time in a mint:

A: These coins are impractical. I wish we had something lighter and convenient for larger denominations. Do you know what I mean? Maybe made of paper instead of metal.

B: Sure, I'll make a note of it.

#605

As they walked around, carrying their tents and sleeping bags, the hikers looked very camp.

#604

Clearly in the red and with no way out, the manager of the hydroelectric plant realised that it would have to enter liquidation.

#603

The colonial hipster liked Asian labourers before they were coolies.

#602

What did Elvis say when both he and his date had chaperones?

"We can't go on together with suspicious minders."

#601

A: Which gun contains the bullets?

B: Well, that's a loaded question.

#600

Xavier was usually unimpressed by natural phenomena, but after noticing the beauty of moisture settling on plants in the morning, he felt that he had to give credit where it was dew.

#599

"We don't want your sort in here," growled the bartender as he threw the array ordering function out of his front door.

#598

They tried to offer Miranda some chocolate, but she wouldn't have a bar of it.

#597

Teacher: Use the word despise in a sentence.

Student: Des-pise were delicious, so I ate them.

#596

Largo? Ain't nobody got time for that.

#595

After his salad leaves were stolen, Cedric was cress-fallen.

#594

Unable to support the weight of the enormous lettuce, the ocean liner disappeared beneath the waves. It was not the first time that a ship had been sunk by an iceberg.

#593

Where does Gollum perform his burlesque show?

In the Sméagol-tent.

#592

A beginner at chess is called a rook-ie.

#591

What kind of arthritis makes sufferers more inclined to spread gossip?

Rumour-tism.

#590

Giles didn't like attending auctions, so he hired a servant to do his bidding.

#589

The situation in the Middle East is becoming quite Syria-s.

#588

If I were a homeless beggar, and someone gave me some money, I would thank them and add, "I love you. No hobo."

#587

A: Those people are fighting because none of them have any loose change.

B: Oh no! Please stop this cents-less violence!

#586

Hansel and Gretel were particularly delighted to find that their room in the gingerbread house had an en-sweet bathroom.

#585

What do you call a pattern made out of adjacent, interlocking curtain ornaments?

A tassel-lation.

#584

It is widely believed that Helen would not have been abducted had she been Troying hard enough to avoid it.

#583

Michael the algebra policeman considered incorrect denominators to be a minor infraction.

#582

As the dressmaker tried to skirt around every question, Susan felt the suspicion that a detective always feels when all is not as it seams. She knew that if she connected the loose threads, there would be a pattern here somewhere. She knew that she had to tighten her questioning, and hem in this dressmaker. Perhaps, then, she would stop weaving lies and fanciful fabrications, and give Susan some information with which she could stitch up this case.

#581

"Good morning, Mr - what was it? - ah yes, Bond, Mr Bond. I'm Toby, from Toby and Sons Carpentry. I'm here to put up that shelf you wanted ... No, I'm not a spy ... No, I'm not a secret agent ... No, I'm not going to bug your living room ... Look, Mr Bond, I'm just here to do your shelf. I'm a registered carpenter - look, can you see this? This is my license to drill."

#580

"Nice to see you, Mr Bond, please take a seat ... what'll it be today, the usual trim? Short back and sides? You wouldn't fancy a blonde tint or some red highlights? No? No matter, we can always ... dye another day."

#579

Molly tried to campaign against headscarves, but to no a-veil.

#578

My hobby: teaching hardened criminals new vocabulary.

"You best watch out, or I'mma rebuke yo' ass!"

#577

Eliza practised pronouncing the letter 'h' every day; achieving proper diction was her greatest aspiration.

#576

Billy had got almost everything wrong in the class test; he wasn't sure whether the teacher had marked his paper or used it to play noughts and crosses.

#575

Horace found NFL video games to be Maddeningly infuriating.

#574

There was a shriek from the DJ's table; it seemed that she had slipped a disc.

#573

Teacher: Define the word buttress.

Student: A buttress is the imprint that your butt makes in a mattress.

#572

A: While we've been standing on these moving stairs, we've gone up three floors.

B: Well, that escalated quickly.

#571

After a glass sabre shattered inside him, the sword-swallower was spitting chips for hours.

#570

Did you not give your children any warm clothes to brave the winter frost? This is snow way to look after them.

#569

The First Guy: Don't get me wrong, I like cheese as much as the next guy.

The Next Guy: But I hate cheese.

The First Guy: Well, this is awkward.

#568

Which martial art involves the preparation of traditional Hebrew bread?

Jew-dough.

#567

A high definition television is an ideal present for the first of January, as it provides a good resolution for the New Year.