#190

What did King Henry VI say after Joan of Arc was executed?

I got 99 problems but a witch ain't one.

#189

Tomorrow I will leave my hometown of Melbourne (in Victoria, in Australia) to spend three weeks in Prato (in Tuscany, in Italy). Oh Italy, Eu-roped me into this.

#188

What did the guitar say to the amplifier?

Follow my lead.

#187

If someone is cyan a lot, then they're probably feeling blue.

#186

What can be seen both at boxing matches and in the adult version of Sesame Street?

Going down for the Count.

#185

Jesus is the Redeemer of all. However, he has not been known to redeem fast food vouchers.

#184

It is a sad truth that those with bound feet cannot bound.

#183

I'm too nervous to break up with my epileptic girlfriend. I just know that she's going to have a fit.

#182

I love having a blind boyfriend. He doesn't even look at other women.

#181

I was going to make a joke about premature ejaculation, but it was too soon.

#180

I tried to stop shooting up drugs, but my efforts were in vein.

#179

Wi fi fo fum,
I'm leeching off the connection of an Englishman!

#178

What do you call it when the leader of the Vatican gets angry?

Apopelexy.

#177

I'm a fish atheist. I don't believe in the existence of cod.

#176

A: Everyone's talking about this new show about an urban police station! Do you want to watch it?

B: I don't think so. Cob dramas are too corny for my taste.

#175

A: Did you have fun at the Owl Watching Society's camp?

B: Yes, it was a hoot.

#174

A: What's wrong with me? Why can I never pick up?

B: You don't reach the telephone in time?

#173

A: I am shocked! I am flabbergasted! I have never been so surprised in my life! I have a good mind to write them a letter!

B: How are you going to convey all of that in one letter? Will it be the letter 'O'?

#172

A: Are you a horse?

B: Nay.

#171

Have you seen our futuristic toilet collection? We call it "Pees in a Pod".

#170

B: Let me tell you a joke. What happened when the confidence trickster swindled a chef, a wildcat, and a philosopher? They fell for it cook, lion, and thinker.

A: What's going on here? WHAT ARE YOU DOING, B?

B: I'm telling a joke.

A: No! You can't talk first! That's not how it works! I always talk first. A says something, then B replies. You can't change that!

B: It's a new world, A.

A: No! It's against the laws of anonymous dialogue transcription convention!

B: Really? Am I to be punished for this?

A: Yes! Take this statement of indictment and pay the fee printed at the bottom.

B: Okay.

A: And let that be a lesson to you.

B: You know, I think that the way in which you exacted money for me as a penalty for my infringement was acceptable.

A: Where are you heading with this?

B: I mean, what you did was fine.

A: I wonder.

B: What do you wonder?

A: I wonder, is suicide against the laws of anonymous dialogue transcription convention?

#169

A: They say that an army walks on its stomach.

B: I guess that's why it's called the mealitary.

#168

My favourite fruit burger is the Apple Mac.

#167

Which American heavy metal band was named in honour of a deformed nun?

Twisted Sister.

#166

What pastime is popular among both butchers and gay men?

Mincing.

#165

How do drug addicts greet each other?

High there.

#164

Do psychics hold the reverse of "too soon" for jokes about a tragic event? I mean, in the time leading up to a disaster, do they eschew jokes about it, rebuking those who do crack jokes about it on the basis that the event is "too soon"?

#163

I don't like square roots. They are both irrational and absurd.

#162

Anti-sexual harrassment slogan: No means no.
Counter-anti-sexual harrassment slogan: By no means does no mean no.

#161

A: The doctor has ordered you to take a suppository.

B: Tell him to shove it up his - oh, that's ironic.

#160

After forty years in the profession, the jeweller had become quite jaded.

#159

Why couldn't the frog maintain a relationship?

It was afraid of Kermitment.

#158

Suicide hotlines would be much more effective if "seize the day" didn't sound so much like "cease the day".

#157

Making puns about somewhat but not very famous composers is a very Satie-sfying experience.

#156

Before becoming a successful conqueror, Julius Caesar was a somewhat spineless diplomat. He used to visit countries, only to agree with them. His original catchphrase was: "I came, I saw, I concurred."

#155

A: Did you kill him?

B: I'm not sure that I succeeded, but I had a stab at it.

#154

It was a bad break-up; his last, in fact. He would spend the rest of his life finding Freudian metaphors in children's television.

#153

A: Oh no! No! No, this can't be happening!

B: What's wrong?

A: My whole family! They're dead!

B: How?

A: The pilot of their aeroplane made a small mistake, and now they're all gone. GONE!

B: Aeroplane? More like error-plane.

#152

I have developed a simple code, which merely involves appending the letter 't' to the start of every word. For example, rick roll would become trick troll.

#151

I'm constipated and I don't give a shit.

#150

In shark cinema, what is conventionally displayed on the screen to show that the film has ended?

Fin.

#149

A: So, shall we finalise our agreement?

B: Yes. Let's allow this marine mammal to do it for us.

A: What? How?

B: We need to seal the deal.

A: Forget it. The deal's off.

B: Oh no, you spotted it! I'm sorry, but I could only find a walrus in time. If I find a seal, will... A? Why are you leaving, A?

#148

A: I'm not sure whether this spade is any good. What do you think?

B: This spade? I totally dig it.

#147

When the cat's away, the electrons will act like waves and form interference patterns.

#146

If you're a yuppie and you know it, clap your state-of-the-art solar powered synthetic clapping pads.

#145

This laying hen stands out from the rest. It definitely has the eggs factor.

#144

Oh, he has a speech impediment? And all along I just thought that he was a really good rapper.

#143

A: So you say that you are filled with fresh vigour and eagerness, and that you have discovered a small country near Australia?

B: Yes indeed! I have found new zeal and New Zealand.

#142

Jugglers commence their act by vomiting. In order to juggle, they must throw it up first.

#141

Which coastal bird used his martial arts skills to gain a Hollywood career?

Steven Seagull.