Guest Post #2 - Ben Volchok

If life gets you down, make a pillow.

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Ben Volchok is on Twitter.
His show Ben's Illustrious Fact Show and the Case of the Stolen Fact Book is on this week at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

Guest Post #1 - Ben Volchok

waiter: "what'll it be?"
me: "two cacciatore"
waiter: "you have to think like a tory"
me: "ugh i hate waiters"
waiter: "that's a start"

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Ben Volchok is on Twitter.
His show Ben's Illustrious Fact Show and the Case of the Stolen Fact Book is on this week at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

#2114

How can you develop a tan by eating fruit?

By getting some melon-in.

#2113

Zoey the watchmaker knew that her children loved her, quartz and all.

#2112

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was busy following the Jewish tradition of catching criminals on the Sabbath.

A: That's not a real-

B: The seventh day is a day of arrest.

#2111

What kind of cat is the most useful on a sheep farm?

A Che-shear cat.

#2110

What do you call the colour effect achieved by dropping a photograph in the ocean?

Sea-pia.

#2109

What do you call a quickly performed piece of hip hop?

Rap-id.

#2108

What do you call someone who has only ever seen slugs being surprised by a snail?

Shell shocked.

#2106

A: Why wasn't there a post today?

B: The writer of the blog was off hunting?

A: It's not the season for-

B: It's a no-pun season!

#2105

What do you call patients who know that they will recover?

Se-cure.

#2104

What do you call corruption at the Olympics?

Medalling.

#2103

What do you call the act of riding a bicycle in order to put other people off their exercise?

Psych-ling.

#2102

What do you call the process of angrily searching for food?

Fo-rage-ing.

#2101

What do you call poorly clothed bakery apprentices?

Ragamuffins.

#2100

What was the first sport designed for online play?

Netball.

#2099

What muscle do weightlifters develop when they truly believe?

The try-cep.

#2098

After being shamed for his embarrassing stubble, Luke would do anything to shave face.

#2097

The circus lion was exhausted of his daily routine - every day, he had to jump through hoops to achieve anything.

#2096

What kind of Mexican food can keep you warm in the winter?

Fa-heaters.

#2095

What do you call the practice of making unsolicited visits to young male horses in order to sell them things?

Colt calling.

#2094

A: Why are all these pictures of snakes blanked out on this computer?

B: I installed an adder blocker.

#2093

What do you call the process of rounding up fish using enclosures made of marine polyps?

Coraling.

#2092

Sudi could never look at her children, born on the same day, without a twinge of regret.

#2091

What do you call an animated show about fish?

A carp-toon.

#2090

What do you call two gynecologists working together?

Col-labia-ration.

#2089

A: Was your trip to the convent fun?

B: Yes, I had a veil of a time.

#2088

What do you call a compilation of footage of impressive catches that a fisherman can use to apply for work?

A showreel.

#2087

What did the bishop say when he saw the cost of constructing a new cathedral roof?

"That's a bit steeple."

#2086

The other patients at the hospital complained that the amputees received sever-ential treatment.

#2085

What fruits always owes their first loyalty to their families?

Clanberries.

#2084

What do you call a tale about a woodwind player rebounding from failure?

A reed-emption story.

#2083

What do you call the act of copying a long-necked Australian bird?

Emu-lating.

#2082

What kind of pen only writes in one language?

An Ara-BIC.

#2081

What do you call it when one dog asks another dog to get married?

A pro-paws-al.

#2080

What do you call the section of the underworld in which sugar-free dieters are forced to consume sweets?

Caram-hell.

#2079

What kind of baked good tends to fall off cliffs?

Lemming-tons.

#2078

What is a computer programmer's favourite herb?

Parse-ley.

#2077

What product is the most difficult for greengrocers to transport?

Cucumbersome.

#2076

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was feeling lack-a-day-sical.

#2075

What is the best thing about people who don't own books?

They are often shelfless.

#2074

Early supporters of emails viewed the defendants of alternate methods of digital transmission as a dying faxtion.

#2073

Why did the jail warden have perfect skin?

He was an expert at preventing breakouts.

#2072

What kind of poison can be made with printer ink?

Cyanide.

#2071

What do you call an Asian wildcat?

A thai-ger.

#2070

What do you call a mattress upon which you can lie more than once?

Re-lie-able.

#2069

Why did the manicurist go to the gym?

---

A: Hold on, aren't we going to talk about the fact that the last two days were both posts for the previous? What happened?

B: The writer was trying to increase his muscle mass.

A: How does a three day backlog on the schedule serve-

B: He wanted to get buffer.

#2068

A: Why was there no post yesterday as well?

B: There was a post yesterday.

A: Yes, but it was just about why there wasn't a post the day before.

B: Because yesterday, the writer decided to create purely theatre.

A: How can you possibly explain-?

B: All of these subsequent explanation dialogues were just post-scripts.

#2067

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was changing from a preferential voting system.

A: That makes no-

B: Yesterday was the first past the post.

#2066

How do forest-guarding creatures achieve their potential?

With elf-help books.