#1843

What do you call a round post made of fat?

A bol-lard.

#1842

What kind of computers are used at airports?

TarMacs.

#1841

Did you hear about the comedian who couldn't make it to the queue for drinks at a party?

She was beaten to the punch line.

#1840

What did the instrumentalist say the composer who insisted on placing an impossibly high number of notes in quick succession?

"Give it a rest."

#1839

A: What I'm saying is, I think he's quite average.

B: No need to be so mean about it.

#1838

What do you call the social advantage granted to people who live near a narrow passage of water connecting two seas?

Strait privilege.

#1837

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was intoxicated by his consumption of the last remnants of autumn.

A: What do you mean?

B: He was on leaves.

#1836

What do you call a rat who lives above the sewers?

A road-ent.

#1835

How did the plumber surrender in the wrestling match?

He tapped out.

#1834

What did the dentist say to the patient who refused to do anything for their dental hygiene other than brushing?

"Oh, well. Your floss."

#1833

A: Do you think that bribing him with dried grapes might work?

B: Well, if you gave me enough dried grapes of a high quality, naturally I'd consider negotiating. I'm a raisin-able man.

#1832

What anti-tank weapon is developed from a weak ogre?

The pansy-shrek.

#1831

What do you call a standalone residence for people who are prone to errors?

A bungle-low.

#1830

Struggling with the lack of fibre in her new apartment, Angelique was constipated with rage.

#1829

What do you call it when a design for a vacuum cleaner turns out to work?

Suck-cess.

#1828

What do you call an aspiration to become a plumber?

A pipe dream.

#1827

How can you tell that a knight suffers from addiction?

He spends his whole life chasing a dragon.

#1826

What did the lesbians buy to prevent their neighbours from hearing them?

Mufflers.

#1825

What do you call an irrefutable argument in favour of ammunition?

A bullet proof.

#1824

The cobbler decided to change his untidy ways after a lengthy period of sole-searching.

#1823

How can you tell that an architect is bored?

When the awning begins.

#1822

How did the priest obtain his garment?

He stole it.

#1821

What is the appropriate method to film people searching for gold in riverbanks?

Panning.

#1820

What do you call a good periodical publication?

Mag-nificent.

#1819

Oscar firmly believed in inserting things up his urethra; he felt that it was a very sound idea.

#1818

Teacher: Use the expression to bring someone up to speed in a sentence.

Student: It is advisable to start with milder drugs such as marijuana before bringing someone up to speed.

#1817

What do plants try to do at an auction?

Outbud each other.

#1816

What did Elvis tell the baby to do in case of fire?

"Shake rattle and roll."

#1815

What do you call someone who whips her customers with pizza?

A Domino-trix.

#1814

What do you call it when someone with dyslexia remembers the time when they had herpes?

PSTD.

#1813

What do you call a busker's guitar?

An instrument of change.

#1812

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was called to form the first of the letter sequenced British secret service groups?

A: What are you talking about?

B: He was MIA.

#1811

What container do scientists use when experimenting with birds?

A beaker.

#1810

The duck liked its new mask; finally, it had found something that fit the bill.

#1809

Why couldn't the mathematician prioritise his equestrian training?

He always put the Cartesian before the horse.

#1808

How did the master thief get past security?

No one could stand against his stealy gaze.

#1807

Where do Irish farmers grow rice?

In Paddy fields.

#1806

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was enjoying the fifth birthday celebrations week for our blog.

A: That's very irresponsible.

B: Yes, the fifth birthday celebrations are weak for our blog.

#1805

How do you describe the body of someone whose ribcage has been mangled?

Dis-organ-ised.

#1804

What do you call a forbidden marsupial?

A banned-icoot.

#1803

What do you call it when a contortionist pleads?

Supple-ication.

#1802

Which cousin of the Yeti is the most sarcastic?

The Sass-quatch.

#1801

Dom the computer programmer was happy to use a Java-based alternative, especially since it loaded as quick as Flash.

#1800

What kind of call can you make when your phone battery is dead?

A all that is free of charge.

#1799

"They are completely out of place," said Zannen, who could only think in terms of Mars products, "like peas in a Pod."

#1798

What do you call someone who would be able to be a superhero?

Cape-able.

#1797

Which hit of the alternative rock group Pieman and Garfunkel told the story of an animal shelter built entirely out of parts taken from transmission towers?

The Pound of Pylons

#1796

How do doctors patch together damaged tissue?

With cell-o-tape.

#1795

What do you call a place of worship for the ordinary bloke in the street?

A chap-el.

#1794

A: Why was there no update yesterday?

B: The writer was pelted with orange seeds when he tried to publish it.

A: I don't even want to know what -

B: He was pipped at the post.