#1539

Merryl's brother hated sitting next to her on long flights. She would brag for hours about how well she played in her brass band. He always tried to walk up and down the aisle to avoid his deeply vain trombone sis.

#1538

A: Do you remember Quasimodo?

B: Yes, that rings a bell.

#1537

A: What were you doing with the kittens?

B: I was trying to fool them into thinking that there would be milk.

A: Did it work?

B: Oh yes. They lapped it up.

#1536

A: Why are you only having the main meal?

B: Because they said we can't have chips and salad, so it's safer to have neither.

A: Just pick one.

B: But one chef made the chips, and another one made the salad, so-

A: I swear to God, don't say-

B: I don't want to take sides.

[A pause.]

A: I hope you choke.

#1535

What is a bird's favourite part of programming?

Nesting.

#1534

The chancellor of the university was forced to retire after it became that he was no longer in control of his faculties.

#1533

After facing poor ratings, the lumberjack reality show had to be axed.

#1532

What did the teacher say to the students at the Thieving Academy when giving a lesson on robbing a stationery shop?

"Take notes."

#1531

Devastating weather ravaged South Korea today as attempts to create copies of the artist behind Gangnam Style led to horrifying Psy-clones.

#1530

What meteorological phenomenon causes old people to walk faster?

A hurry-cane.

#1529

What do you call a portion of fat that is exhausting to chew?

Larduous.

#1528

What do you call the standard of a disorganised street vendor?

A chaosque.

#1527

When should a period of mourning end?

In the afternoon.

#1526

Elisabeth decided not to say anything when one of her sneakers fell apart; she felt that it would be wiser to hold her tongue.

#1525

In this era, homosexuality was considered a mental illness - any people who were found to be gay were immediately placed in a straightjacket.

#1524

How does a cool person with lots of swag give other people their contact details?

On a ballin' card.

#1523

After raising her prices, the jeweller was accused of profit-earring.

#1522

How do you stop people from looking through your windows?

Blind them.

#1521

Thierry initially enjoyed his skinny jeans, but after a while, they wore thin.

#1520

Erika was initially enthusiastic about her career as an author, but after some years, the novelty wore off.

#1519

The music was loud enough to make people feel sick; most audience members reported feeling noise-eous.

#1518

Where do classical musicians jam?

At the conserve-atory.

#1517

Which writing utensil was originally designed for keeping score in sports?

The ballpoint pen.

#1516

As Gina contemplated how to end her relationship, she decided that destroying all of her boyfriend's suits would be a very clear way to break ties.

#1515

What do you call an intersection strewn with discarded trash?

A junk-tion.

#1514

A: Why did you shove a flower in my wound? Why would you do that?

B: I thought it would help to stem the flow of blood.

A: I'm in so much pain.

B: Stem, get it?

#1513

The communists believed that, once the right was proved wrong, only they would be left.

#1512

The mafia boss gazed glumly at the large pile of tiny brushes on the table before him. He glanced at his youngest charge, who was standing to attention on the other side of the heap.

"It was hard, boss. Most people said they'd never heard of them. So I made them myself. They're specially designed to remove lint from the joints of fingers of any size, and I think I've made enough for the whole mob, boss," he concluded, beaming with pride.

The old gangster sighed.

"Fetch us knuckle dusters, I said, Jakey. Knuckle dusters."

#1511

What do you call a religious awakening on the 29th of February?

A leap of faith.

#1510

What do you call a messy natural environment?

A shabbytat.

#1509

What do you call the correct posture for the Queen's Guard?

A stand-ard.

#1508

What do you call a dark mandarin?

A tanned-gerine.

#1507

What do you call a list of locations on a boxer's tour?

A fight-inerary.

#1506

What do you call someone who tries to appear learned but constantly makes mistakes?

Error-dite.

#1505

Thaphei hated receiving group messages about medieval armour - he immediately deleted all chainmail.

#1504

What do you call the ability to act appropriately at a carnival?

Savoir-fair.

#1503

The professor gazed glumly at the report on her desk. She glanced at her youngest researcher, who was seated opposite her, beaming proudly.

"It was quite hard to locate - and it seemed strange to give me a chemical study given that we're geneticists - but I did find a local aquatic centre where people can swim in denim and conducted a thorough analysis of the consequences of the fabric on the water."

The professor sighed.

"Investigate the local gene pool, I said. Not the jean pool, the gene pool."

"Yes," smiled the student, and the professor retired that afternoon.

#1502

A: Why are you buying so many shares?

B: It's autumn.

A: So?

B: I'm stocking up for the winter.

#1501

What do you call a list of available gigolos?

A men-u.

#1500

After being bullied by his colleagues for not having a waxed anus, the stripper decided to sue for hair-ass-ment.

#1499

What do you call an expert on filming the mating practices of birds?

A pornithologist.

#1498

What does a corpse use to brush its hair?

A catacomb.

#1497

What do you call a furtively modified percussion instrument?

A tamperine.

#1496

Paul couldn't help but ask if the strangers were from Poland or from the Czech Republic; he was a Slav to his curiosity.

#1495

What do you call a natural pause during which people start talking about parts of ships?

A hull in conversation.

#1494

A: They keep pulling out lice from my dog's fur.

B: Don't mind them; they're just nitpicking.

#1493

A: They keep pointing out flaws in the woollen scarves I made.

B: Don't mind them; they're just knitpicking.

#1492

A: What do you mean, you can tell that he's weak-willed just by looking at his jumper?

B: I'm telling you, that's a pushover pullover.

#1491

A: I can't believe you broke my miniature air conditioner!

B: You need to learn to be more relaxed about these things. Don't sweat the small stuff.

#1490

The disused train station had been turned into a cafe - essentially, it had never gone out of service.