#1174

Teacher: Use the word profile in a sentence.

Student: Someone who is in favour of organising paperwork can be described as profile.

#1173

What can be found at the start of a book about golf?

A foreword.

#1172

What does a fast food angel use to fly?

Onion wings.

#1171

Ironically, the rotational therapist was unable to convince the public of his merit without the help of a spin doctor.

#1170

The clumsy label maker had a habit of name dropping.

#1169

Janet appreciated the new pulley system; it had really taken a load off her shoulders.

#1168

The butcher was proud of his produce, and always packaged it in elegant wooden boxes; some were suspicious when they saw him casing a joint.

#1167

What do you call the process of filling an area with distinguished gentlemen?

Gent-rification.

#1166

Seamstresses know a lot about threading; mainly because they know a lot about screwing.

#1165

What did the tennis player do at her legal trial?

Hold court.

#1164

After calls to make the building accessible to wheelchairs fell on deaf ears, advocates ramped up their efforts.

#1163

Corinne knew that wearing sandals would lead to wearing flip-flops; it was a slippery slope.

#1162

"Leopard, not leper! I said I wanted a leopard skin dress!"

#1161

Which English city was named after its horseback undertakers?

Canterbury.

#1160

When war arrived, Quasimodo proved to be quite bell-igerent.

#1159

What do you call the due date for an assassination?

A deadline.

#1158

Despite positive responses from critics, 30 Rock was something of a ratings Fey-lure.

#1157

Her phobia of doors persisted; she just couldn't handle them.

#1156

I hate flashers. They think that they have the right to go around exposing themselves willy-nilly.

#1155

Being upgraded from the last car of the train was a welcome ca-boost.

#1154

What's the difference between a pilot and a geometer?

A pilot flies planes; a geometer thinks planes are fly.

#1153

The marine carnivore was ever diligent; it could never be accused of sharking its duty.

#1152

What do you call a sniper on cocaine?

A crack shot.

#1151

What do you call a bathroom break scheduled after the consumption of Asian food?

A Thai gap.

#1150

What is the best time to withdraw money?

8am.

#1149

He had led an easy life in the flatlands, and had grown accustomed to expecting everything handed to him on a plateau.

#1148

What sound did the crashing plane make as it bounced?

Boeing

#1147

People who grow up in a gap between mountains live in constant need of valley-dation.

#1146

What do you call an equine vet who manipulates the skeleton and muscles of their patients?

A horse-teopath.

#1145

What do you call a metropolis full of daring people?

An auda-city.

#1144

The young sheep was a skillful chess player; at three months, it had already developed several opening lambits.

#1143

The pop star's decision to shave her head was widely regarded as a bald move.

#1142

Where does the pope go sailing?

The Holy Sea.

#1141

In what direction does a hen move when running away from a rooster?

Anticockwise.

#1140

How big is St Peter's Basilica?

Mass-ive.

#1139

What bone disease is most common in Vienna?

Austria-porosis.

#1138

What do watchmakers do at the end of a working day?

Clock off.

#1137

A: Have you seen the news? A hundred people have been shipwrecked off the west coast of Africa!

B: Oh no! You mean they were Ca-marooned?

#1136

What kind of bandages are most commonly used in Palestinian hospitals?

Gauze-a strips.

#1135

How did the enthusiastic meteorologist describe the wind?

With great gusto.

#1134

After her actors broke the fence a third time, the director felt the need to castigate them.

#1133

As the approaching crowd roughly gathered itself to a standstill, she became aware of hundreds of pairs of eyes sweeping over the whole scene, pausing in realisation, moving their focus to her, and boring in like the drills that had started this whole mess. She stepped backwards and her foot hit a pebble. As she clearly heard the tiny stone shifting less than an inch against the sand, she became aware of the silence, suddenly and frighteningly. She slowly turned her head and glanced behind her to see the clothes rack balanced on the edge of the precipice.

The author enjoyed concluding chapters with cliffhangers.

#1132

What do you call a smashed bottle of wine?

Shard-onnay.

#1131

What is the traditional motto of fishermen?

Carp-e diem

#1130

What type of fish run underwater hospitals?

General sturgeons.

#1129

What did the anarchist plumber do?

Fight the cistern.

#1128

Installing the prank staircase made Elsha buoyantly merry; for the rest of the day, there was a spring in her step.

#1127

A: Do you think the titanium will stay in place?

B: Of course. Otherwise it would be called loose-anium.

#1126

How can you tell when a computer is angry?

It's spitting chips.

#1125

How does one grow a religion?

Through careful cult-ivation.