#597

Teacher: Use the word despise in a sentence.

Student: Des-pise were delicious, so I ate them.

#596

Largo? Ain't nobody got time for that.

#595

After his salad leaves were stolen, Cedric was cress-fallen.

#594

Unable to support the weight of the enormous lettuce, the ocean liner disappeared beneath the waves. It was not the first time that a ship had been sunk by an iceberg.

#593

Where does Gollum perform his burlesque show?

In the Sméagol-tent.

#592

A beginner at chess is called a rook-ie.

#591

What kind of arthritis makes sufferers more inclined to spread gossip?

Rumour-tism.

#590

Giles didn't like attending auctions, so he hired a servant to do his bidding.

#589

The situation in the Middle East is becoming quite Syria-s.

#588

If I were a homeless beggar, and someone gave me some money, I would thank them and add, "I love you. No hobo."

#587

A: Those people are fighting because none of them have any loose change.

B: Oh no! Please stop this cents-less violence!

#586

Hansel and Gretel were particularly delighted to find that their room in the gingerbread house had an en-sweet bathroom.

#585

What do you call a pattern made out of adjacent, interlocking curtain ornaments?

A tassel-lation.

#584

It is widely believed that Helen would not have been abducted had she been Troying hard enough to avoid it.

#583

Michael the algebra policeman considered incorrect denominators to be a minor infraction.

#582

As the dressmaker tried to skirt around every question, Susan felt the suspicion that a detective always feels when all is not as it seams. She knew that if she connected the loose threads, there would be a pattern here somewhere. She knew that she had to tighten her questioning, and hem in this dressmaker. Perhaps, then, she would stop weaving lies and fanciful fabrications, and give Susan some information with which she could stitch up this case.

#581

"Good morning, Mr - what was it? - ah yes, Bond, Mr Bond. I'm Toby, from Toby and Sons Carpentry. I'm here to put up that shelf you wanted ... No, I'm not a spy ... No, I'm not a secret agent ... No, I'm not going to bug your living room ... Look, Mr Bond, I'm just here to do your shelf. I'm a registered carpenter - look, can you see this? This is my license to drill."

#580

"Nice to see you, Mr Bond, please take a seat ... what'll it be today, the usual trim? Short back and sides? You wouldn't fancy a blonde tint or some red highlights? No? No matter, we can always ... dye another day."

#579

Molly tried to campaign against headscarves, but to no a-veil.

#578

My hobby: teaching hardened criminals new vocabulary.

"You best watch out, or I'mma rebuke yo' ass!"

#577

Eliza practised pronouncing the letter 'h' every day; achieving proper diction was her greatest aspiration.

#576

Billy had got almost everything wrong in the class test; he wasn't sure whether the teacher had marked his paper or used it to play noughts and crosses.

#575

Horace found NFL video games to be Maddeningly infuriating.

#574

There was a shriek from the DJ's table; it seemed that she had slipped a disc.

#573

Teacher: Define the word buttress.

Student: A buttress is the imprint that your butt makes in a mattress.

#572

A: While we've been standing on these moving stairs, we've gone up three floors.

B: Well, that escalated quickly.

#571

After a glass sabre shattered inside him, the sword-swallower was spitting chips for hours.

#570

Did you not give your children any warm clothes to brave the winter frost? This is snow way to look after them.

#569

The First Guy: Don't get me wrong, I like cheese as much as the next guy.

The Next Guy: But I hate cheese.

The First Guy: Well, this is awkward.

#568

Which martial art involves the preparation of traditional Hebrew bread?

Jew-dough.

#567

A high definition television is an ideal present for the first of January, as it provides a good resolution for the New Year.

#566

A: My feet are really sore from wearing stilettos all night.

B: Don't worry, I'm sure they'll heel.

#565

Police officers have a very demanding job - there are no easy cop-outs.

#564

As world markets plummeted, investors looked to the furniture industry to cushion the fall.

#563

What is the name for the cut of beef taken from the crotch of a nobleman's cow?

Sirloin.

#562

In hindsight, it was probably unwise to hang mistletoe above the doorway to the sexual health clinic.

#561

What is a hobbit's favourite sex toy?

A bilbo.

#560

After the birth of Jesus, Joseph went outside to search, in vain, for some water for Mary. Never before had he been in a town without a public water supply. This was the first No Well.

#559

Why did the pirate rattle his treasure chest?

He wanted to shake his booty.

#558

Doctor Who's landlord was happy to renew his lease; he was a very good Tennant.

#557

Which Chinese hospital drama is often confused with a British science science fiction show?

Doctor Hu.

#556

The Secret Agent Duck remained silent during three days of interrogation, but, eventually, he quacked under pressure.

#555

Freud was not an efficient carpenter - he kept trying to deconstruct the shelf.

#554

"The group therapy session for all the psych patients who think that they are quadrilaterals is at 4pm! Be there or be ... well, this is awkward."

#553

Christa had no patience for people who didn't have toes; she was lack-toes intolerant.

#552

Frodo Baggins's post-traumatic stress disorder made him a terrible best man - he disappeared halfway through Sam's wedding, muttering something about "taking these rings to Mordor".

#551

The second last thing that humans invent will be the perfect writing device. It shall be humanity's pen-ultimate achievement.

#550

Helen struggled to resolve the internal conflict between her desire to have customers in her shop and her dislike of feeling patronised.

#549

The souls in the Elysian Fields were aware that they were despised by the damned, but they dismissed this animosity, reflecting that those in Hades gonna hate.

#548

Albert the elephant never blew his nose in company, as he knew that it would be more appropriate to keep his junk in his trunk.