#566

A: My feet are really sore from wearing stilettos all night.

B: Don't worry, I'm sure they'll heel.

#565

Police officers have a very demanding job - there are no easy cop-outs.

#564

As world markets plummeted, investors looked to the furniture industry to cushion the fall.

#563

What is the name for the cut of beef taken from the crotch of a nobleman's cow?

Sirloin.

#562

In hindsight, it was probably unwise to hang mistletoe above the doorway to the sexual health clinic.

#561

What is a hobbit's favourite sex toy?

A bilbo.

#560

After the birth of Jesus, Joseph went outside to search, in vain, for some water for Mary. Never before had he been in a town without a public water supply. This was the first No Well.

#559

Why did the pirate rattle his treasure chest?

He wanted to shake his booty.

#558

Doctor Who's landlord was happy to renew his lease; he was a very good Tennant.

#557

Which Chinese hospital drama is often confused with a British science science fiction show?

Doctor Hu.

#556

The Secret Agent Duck remained silent during three days of interrogation, but, eventually, he quacked under pressure.

#555

Freud was not an efficient carpenter - he kept trying to deconstruct the shelf.

#554

"The group therapy session for all the psych patients who think that they are quadrilaterals is at 4pm! Be there or be ... well, this is awkward."

#553

Christa had no patience for people who didn't have toes; she was lack-toes intolerant.

#552

Frodo Baggins's post-traumatic stress disorder made him a terrible best man - he disappeared halfway through Sam's wedding, muttering something about "taking these rings to Mordor".

#551

The second last thing that humans invent will be the perfect writing device. It shall be humanity's pen-ultimate achievement.

#550

Helen struggled to resolve the internal conflict between her desire to have customers in her shop and her dislike of feeling patronised.

#549

The souls in the Elysian Fields were aware that they were despised by the damned, but they dismissed this animosity, reflecting that those in Hades gonna hate.

#548

Albert the elephant never blew his nose in company, as he knew that it would be more appropriate to keep his junk in his trunk.

#547

What do flatfish do when taken out of water?

Flounder.

#546

What did Yoda say when knitting blankets in Australia?

"Do or doona, there is no try."

#545

Sandwich Hand A: "Sandwich Hand B! I believe that you are not well-bread at all!"

Sandwich Hand B: "You insult my honour! I cannot forgive this. Since we are sandwich hands, we will settle this according to tradition. I challenge you to a wrap battle."

Sandwich Hand A: "I accept your challenge. I must warn you, you will be toast."

Sandwich Hand B: "There isn't a grain of truth in that."



I'm on a roll today.

#544

I think that spontaneous humour is wonderful; I love inci-dental puns. Sometimes I just want to spit out something fresh, something into which I can really sink my teeth, something that rolls off the tongue nicely. If you've got a bad filling about this by now, please pardon my gum-ption, and brace yourself: we're going to get to the root of this matter. You know the drill.

If you truly eschew puns, then, oh well. Your floss. After all, they are intended for a refined palate. If you ever change your mind, you can come back here to brush up on your repertoire.

#543

A: Ew! We're standing in a garden patch!

B: I see that there is a plot afoot.

#542

What is the term for staccato markings in accordion sheet music?

Polka dots.

#541

What did the judge with obsessive-compulsive disorder say?

"Order, order!"

#540

What do you call a meeting of nuns?

A convention.

#539

I love the word saliva; it just rolls off the tongue.

#538

Lorence is so homophobic that he won't even eat a Golden Gaytime.

#537

Ever since he was placed in charge of the blender at the milk bar, Sab considered himself to be a smoothie operator.

#536

Laura set high standards for herself when drying grapes; she was always raisin the bar.

#535

"Hey there, handsome. Looking for a good thyme?"

Shane knew that he shouldn't have visited the red-light herb district.

#534

He proposed to her using balloons? What a beautiful way to pop the question.

#533

Several stimulant drugs give their users a feeling of invincibility. If you see a gingerbread man claiming that nobody can catch him, he's probably baked.

#532

Giles wanted a full time job at the nut factory, but all that they could offer him was a cashew-al position.

#531

Goblins are not known for their soap operas - or anything to do with soap.

#530

Kyle had dozed off while making soup; now, as the pot bubbled, he stirred in his sleep.

#529

Some people said that Christian was the complete package; others called him an absolute tool.

#528

What do prisoners use to make calls from jail?

Cell phones.

#527

The chocolate poisoner faced time behind bars.

#526

A: Which way do I wear it?

B: I don't know. Is there a label?

A: It says that this end is the front.

B: Ah, but that might just be a front.

#525

"It has come to our attention, 007, that you have fathered a good many children over the course of your various liaisons. So, MI6 has decided to give you some time off to get to know them. It should be a good ... Bonding experience."

#524

A: I think my Russian friend is gay, but in denial.

B: I see we have a Communist in the closet.

#523

"I've wagered ten quid on Tony trimming the shrubbery, and ten quid on him not doing it. I'm hedging my bets."

#522

A: How long will it take you to make an animated image?

B: I can have it done in a giffy.

#521

The plutocracy of monkeys had turned the zoo into a banana republic.

#520

Sarah the horse had had enough of moving from one rented property to another; now she wanted a stable residence.

#519

I know what metal is used to make computer chips, so any attempt to trick me into believing otherwise is a silly con.

#518

Talking about computer components makes my mother bored.

#517

The unprepared cheerleaders were never going to win the contest - they had no chants.