#260

Finding out that he suffered from erectile dysfunction was very hard for him.

#259

The thief escaped; that is to say, he stole away into the night.

#258

It takes six tubas to play twelve-bar blues.

#257

Teacher: Use the expression village green in a sentence.

Student: The one person in any small town who is always ill is called the village green.

#256

I met an utterly deranged man today. He has a cupboard in which he keeps the bones of people who never admitted to being gay. At least, I think that that's what he meant when he said that he had some skeletons in the closet.

#255

The Catholic Church has released a statement in which it expresses its strong opposition to queue-jumping, including testimonies from couples who decided to wait.

#254

This dish of fish looks very in-whiting.

#253

A: That building's about to fall to the ground!

B: I'm glad that you understand the gravity of the situation.

A: That's horribly insensitive! Do you know how many people are going to die when that skyscraper collapses?

B: That's towerible!

A: This is no laughing matter! I cannot stand your heartless mockery any longer.

B: Nor can the building stand any longer.

A: That is enough! You have gone too far. You are being charged with criminal tastelessness. As your punishment, you may choose either to take a corrective course, or to pay a fine.

B: My only options are coarse and fine? Don't you have anything in between? Medium grain, perhaps?

A: There is another option. It involves me shooting you.

B: Oh no! Don't jump the gun! I don't want to bite the bullet!

Pause. A gunshot.

B: What triggered this, A? I barrel-ly said anything.

#252

A: You confused the nominative with the accusative.

B: Well, in that case, I'll fix it.

#251

A: These conical tents are the typical dwelling of the Native Americans of the Great Plains.

B: One could say that they are their teepee-cal dwelling ... A? Where did you get that tomahawk, A?

#250

A: I believe that what was keeping everyone awake was an aesthetic issue.

B: Really? Anaesthetic usually puts people to sleep.

#249

A: You were afraid of a moth?

B: It was enormous!

A: You were afraid of a slightly larger than average moth?

B: This was not simply a large moth. This was a behemoth.

#248

A: Have you seen that magician's trick? It's amazing! Poof! And it's gone!

B: Kind of like a gay pride march.

#247

A: Why are you hitting me with that coin?

B: I'm trying to knock some cents into you.

#246

He would have sued the reckless brain surgeon, but he didn't have the nerve.

#245

Every now and then, I swallow my hands.

And then...

I throw my hands up in the air sometimes,
Saying ay-oh, got to let go.

#244

When protecting her musical instruments from the elements, she was very thorough. She always made sure that she covered all her basses.

#243

For hospital administrators, the most important area of mathematics is the order of operations.

#242

Which novel by Charles Dickens tells the story of a young man convicted of indecent assault?

David Cop-a-feel.

#241

Why do the police carry Tasers?

To charge people.

#240

Who is Krishna? Would he like to borrow my razor? I am referring, of course, to Hairy Krishna.

#239

I want to buy a long, narrow inlet between cliffs, but I can't affjord it.

#238

I want to buy a car, but I can't afFord it.

#237

Teacher: Use the word despise in a sentence.

Student: De Spise girls are my favourite band.

#236

Teacher: Use the word Tardis in a sentence.

Student: The tard is trying to eat his pencilcase.

#235

The angry birds launch furious attacks at self-satisfied pigs who lie around doing nothing all day. It's Gender Studies the video game!

#234

What do you call a domesticated wildebeest?

A tame-e-beast.

#233

Drinking alcohol can be whisky.

#232

The aspiring actor auditioned at the bakery every day, but never got a roll.

#231

I enjoy tidying my room by myself. I feel like the Lone Arranger.

#230

Call me a crotchety old fool, but I quaver with rage at even the most minimal of puns.

#229

Human cannons don't worry about their job security. They have no fear of being fired.

#228

He was a Brielliant swordsman, even with a cheese knife, and one quick thrust produced a Fetal wound. He rode away, leaving behind the Gruyèresome corpse of the one who had dared to challenge him. The tale of the Big Cheese would be told fromage to age.

These puns are getting too cheesy.

#227

While burning a Protestant minister, Catholics would often throw tomato sauce on him, as it goes well with pastor.

#226

A: What's the word for stealing money that you've been trusted with?

B: Embezzle, my nezzle.

#225

A: That was a brilliantly funny gag.

B: I'm surprised that you hadn't heard it before. It's an old choke.

#224

What do you call a man wearing a sequinned leotard and coughing?

Phlegmboyant.

#223

Are there optometrists at Apple stores? I think I have an iProblem.

#222

German anti-sexual harrassment slogan: Nein means nein, or vun more zan eight.

#221

Dentist: Say 'E'.

Fangirl: I don't, like, know how to.

Dentist: Here's a picture of Justin Bieber.

Fangirl: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

#220

When I was a child, my parents bought me a pennywhistle. It was the only kind of piercing I was allowed to have.

#219

Some people believe that the Apocalypse will happen this year.

Adele is currently at the top of the charts.

It isn't over until the fat lady sings.

#218

A: Have you considered this place for your holiday?

B: It's on my list, but only as a last resort.

#217

A: It's not every day that you hear someone say that they will abandon drugs.

B: Really? It's quite common to hear of a band on drugs.

#216

The leader of this community of monks is an android. The abbot is a bot.

#215

Cucumbers are very difficult to carry. They are so cumbersome.

#214

A: We've been in the Himalayas for a month now, and we still haven't seen an abominable snowman.

B: Not yeti.

#213

A: I hope they build that proposed bridge. It'll make my journey to work much shorter.

B: Things are always shorter when abridged.

#212

I maintained my protest against the use of washing machines for a long time, but eventually I had to throw in the towel.

#211

A: Do you think that Emily and Holly might enter the American film industry?

B: Emily wouldn't, but Holly wood.