#59

Erectile dysfunction: when the only cock-up is the absence thereof.

#58

A: I start work as a neurologist this Monday!

B: You must be really psyched.

#57

"Especially given that this is a unisex college, you are reminded of the need for appropriate behaviour in the sleeping quarters. Anyone who needs to blow their nose will use a tissue - there will be no hanky panky in the dormitories."

#56

As university students nervously approach their final exams, there is a degree of uncertainty.

#55

What did the current utter menacingly as it passed through the conductor?

"Resistance is futile."

#54

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art seriously hot.

#53

Never argue with a herbalist. They always have the fennel word.

#52

What kind of dog is most useful when making a presentation?

A pointer.

#51

You're giving me a blunt pencil? I'm afraid I fail to see the point.

#50

I have a friend called Eden. Her house is pretty cool, but there's an angel with a sword of flame who won't let anyone into the garden.

#49

If the truth hurts, you should have it checked by a dentist.

#48

Are you saying that drinking some potion will resolve all my problems? Pardon me, but I find that a bit hard to swallow.

#47

Comfort food: I don't drown my sorrows; I smother them.

#46

Vacuum cleaners suck.

#45

A: You're a plumber who can dance? That's amazing!

B: Yeah, I've done a bit of tap.

#44

What do you call a rapper who can predict the future?

Seeing Eye Dog.

#43

What do Windows and Macintosh have in common?

They both keep out the rain.

#42

I visited my doctor to ask him why I hear a quacking sound every time I lower my head. He explained that that is the sound a duck makes.

#41

Why are big instructions expressed in powers of ten?

Because they are orders of magnitude.

#40

I wonder whether Humphrey B Bear is related to Justin B Ber?

#39

We don't like to say "putting makeup on a pop star". We prefer to call it "ad-Justin Bieber".

#38

When on kitchen duty, the hunchback of Notre Dame treated potatoes like bells: they were there to be pealed.

#37

I've seen many bakery thieves in my time, but I have to say that this one takes the cake.

#36

"That's disgusting! Gah!"

She stormed out of the room.

"Gah."

She scratched her head.

"Gah. Gah."

She inclined her head thoughtfully.

"GA-GA RUM-UM-AH-AH!"

And thus a star was born...

#35

'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have eaten the last slice of cheesecake.

#34

A: Oh no! I'm lactose intolerant!

B: You must be really cheesed off.

I am sorry to say that I actually did this to a friend.

#33

A: I'm thinking about writing a book.

B: What a novel idea!

#32

Who first used coloured liquids to record text on paper?
The Inkas.

Who repaired their printers?
The Aztechs.

#31

The pressure was on in the casino's restaurant. The steaks were high and the chips were down.

The man rifling through the garbage bins at the back and the confident card player inside had one thing in common: they both had one hand in the bag.

Meanwhile, a job interview was taking place in the back room.
Q: What will you do when the chips are down?
A: Apply the five second rule.

#30

Making jokes about redheads is very risky, so I have phrased this gingerly.

#29

I have news of a recent advancement in seal clubbing technology. The latest clubs are fitted with a button that pops up when the seal is broken.

#28

A friend just told me:

"It's good to see that the penguin in your blog is moving up in the marine world to sitting atop whales, because we already knew that the pen-guin was mightier than the sword-fish."

#27

As I was waiting at the tram stop yesterday, a balloon, buffeted by the wind, found its way into the middle of the road. The light was red. I watched horrified, fascinated, but helpless in its plight.

The lights turned green. As the motors roared, it shifted about half a metre, until it was directly in line with the approaching tyre of a blue Holden sedan. Years from now, I will relive that scene, and wonder whether I could have saved a life by calling out a warning. But hindsight is always 20/20.

The whole world went into slow motion. I saw it before it happened. And, for a brief, happy moment, I thought that the car might be buoyed up and pass over, leaving the balloon unharmed. But both logic and gravity have neither hearts nor sympathy.

Like a male widow spider, it popped and perished.

#26

I went to a tableware magic show. There was a saucerer with a dishy assistant. But they were shattered when the audience realised that it was all a crock.

#25

A friend argued that my blog logo features an Orca, not a porpoise. (The validity of the porpoise has been brought into contention previously in #13.)

I suggested that it could be a porpoise in an Orca suit. He replied, "I don't think porpoises are capable of Orca-strating such a feat."

#24

The coolest scientists are nuclear scientists. They are da bomb.

#23

Many consider Oscar Wilde to be a homo-geneous.

#22

Yesterday, Monday, must have belonged to the number one. And tomorrow, Wednesday, must belong to the number three. For today is Two's-day.

I wonder whether Rebecca Black would be willing to sing that.

#21

In Soviet Russia, the object of the original sentence performs the verb on you!

#20

Who's the most rapid singer in the world?

HemiDemiSemi Lovato.

#19

How to make a "that's what she said joke" even when it seems impossible:

1. Wait for someone to say something for which the reply "that's what she said" would not work at all.
2. Say, somewhat halfheartedly, "That's what she said."
3. The person will reply, "That doesn't work." (Or something similar. Usually.)
4. Say, triumphantly, "That's what she said!"

#18

When people discriminate against you for being Swedish, ignore them. Don't let haters bring you down. You were Bjorn this way, baby.

#17

It appears that the world has not ended. I'm disappointed because I had a line ready: "Cut, print, that's a wrap-ture!"

"Jesus wept." - John 11:35

#16

One day when I was at school, I walked into class ten minutes late. I declared, "I'm here: let the party begin."

My friend replied, "You know, as soon as you arrive, we hide all the balloons and streamers and shit."

#15

What kind of music traditionally heralds new management?

Bossa Nova.

#14

I heard some music with a walking bass line accented with rhythms on the upbeat. Now I am ska'd for life.

#13

My sister presented me with a three-part critique of my logo:

1. That is not a porpoise.
2. That is a killer whale.
3. That penguin is lunch.

#12

A: Would you like a hand?

B: One day, you will say that to an amputee, and you will regret it.

#11

What citrus confectionery can be found at the races during the Spring Carnival?

Orange tarts.

#10

A friend just asked me, "What's the porpoise of your blog?"

I have good friends.