#1771

Kim encouraged her students to share their sheet music; she had no time for petty score keeping.

#1770

After running out of breath early on, the flautist searched for a more sustainable solution.

#1769

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was having a Pingu-themed day off.

A: That's not a good reason.

B: More like noot a good reason.

A: I will pulverise you with an ice pick.

#1768

Why did Hitler do so well on his high school exams?

He had the solutions for finals.

#1767

The hyena licked its lips. The solitary zebra in front of it was stripe for the picking.

#1766

Why did the lions go to Mardi Gras?

For the Pride March.

#1765

Why was the first Pope unable to finish his sentences?

He always Petered out.

#1764

Ian was impressed with Kleenex's latest developments; their new line of tissues, he felt, was not to be sneezed at.

#1763

Amelia felt insulted by her neighbours who played darts with parasols; she felt that they were always throwing shade.

#1762

Henry the American author was known for being meticulous; he was anything if not Thoreau.

#1761

The exercise book manufacturers were losing money uncontrollably on their new design, but couldn't escape the contract; they were in a binding spiral.

#1760

A: Where was yesterday's post? That's the third time that the schedule has been broken this month.

B: I don't know. If this gets any more infrequent it'll be updated weakly.

#1759

After noticing a widespread fear of light rail, the community rallied to combat tramsphobia.

#1758

Adam the opera lover felt that hearing instruments being adjusted to Baroque pitch really lowered the tone of an event.

#1757

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: All the bloggers were at home masturbating.

A: What? Please don't say-

B: There was a writers' stroke.

#1756

What do you call the distribution of faeces?

Scattering.

#1755

What do you call it when someone is fired from their job making Hawaiian floral wreath?

Leid off.

#1754

What do you call a tortoise that is overly protective of its partner?

Shellous.

#1753

What do you call a game show crossed with a cooking program?

Quizine.

#1752

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was out looking for unmarried women.

A: You don't mean-

B: Yes. He went missing.

#1751

What do you call ornamental wire decorations on a young mare?

Filly-gree.

#1750

What kind of fish perform deceptive undercover operations for the fish police?

Sting rays.

#1749

The mousetrap manager was quick to an opinion; he couldn't resist making snap judgements.

#1748

Why do students learn best when near researches working on alternatives to regular post?

Because they're in the zone of Proxy-Mail Development.

#1747

What do you call a french fries, cheese, and gravy spread upon crackers?

Poutine on the Ritz.

#1746

A: Why wasn't there a post yesterday?

B: The writer took a break to research the effects of stretching on female reproductive systems.

A: Please don't sa-

B: He was on long cervix leave.

#1745

The new progressive prison warden criticised the currently used chains for being excessively fetteronormative.

#1744

How did Annalene the seabird catcher encourage cooperation among her students?

She used a tern-taking activity.

#1743

What do you call it when a king interrupts an accolade for a sandwich?

A mid-knight snack.

#1742

Which US Democrat slogan called for greater engagement with the capital of Switzerland?

"Feel the Bern."

#1741

Aaron the ice cream vendor always piled heaps onto his deluxe specials - he never missed mass on a sundae.

#1740

As the sumo wrestler's horse reached the last turn, it dug deep - it knew that there was a lot riding on this.

#1739

Why did the atheist quadratic equation refuse to acknowledge the cubic equation?

It didn't believe in a higher power.

#1738

Annelisa was relieved by the chance to talk to someone about her bra problems - it was good to get it off her chest.

#1737

Why don't fields like being watered?

It's a very irrigating process.

#1736

A: Did you like the new ceiling fan?

B: Yes! It thoroughly blew me away.

#1735

What do you call someone who's never seen a tree?

Twignorant.

#1734

A: It says here that the ice cream vendor has decided to only sell vanilla in an attempt to maximise profits.

B: Well, he's not doing himself any flavours.

#1733

What do you call a Sith Lord try to walk through a deep lake?

Darth Wader.

#1732

After the cattle started returning their uneaten hay to the farmer by means of protest, he began to worry about the negative feedback.

#1731

Which country in the British Isles is the best at swimming and singing?

Wales.

#1730

Which Biblical story describes a boy who is beaten with an iron bar after wasting his father's fortune?

The prod-igal son.

#1729

What do you call a feeling of disgruntlement at having to mail something twice?

Resentment.

#1728

What do you call a fight in a rugby match?

A ruckus.

#1727

In what kind of water are objects most buoyant?

Spring water.

#1726

What do you call the everyday speech in A Journey To The Center Of The Earth?

The Verne-acular.

#1725

What do you call a process by which amphetamines can be made?

A meth-od.

#1724

What is an acrobat's favourite shape?

A trapezium.

#1723

Which Disney film tells the story of Rapunzel's struggle with geometry?

Rectangled.

#1722

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: Beware the Ides of March!

A: That's the 15th.

B: Beware the Lieds of March!

A: That's not a thing.

B: Please stop the Chides of March!