#1396

The river preferred to distribute its liquid assets between two banks.

#1395

"We can explain!" cried the cheating husband. But neither he nor his lover could find anything to say. All that was evident was that they were tongue-tied.

#1394

A: How can we protect young people from alcoholism?

B: We need to nip it in the Budweiser.

#1393

Jean's favourite part of Despicable Me was the way in which the protagonist Gru emotionally.

#1392

How do you find a coal monster?

By tracing its carbon footprints.

#1391

At first, the fish wasn't interested in the bait, but once he tasted it, he was hooked.

#1390

Which beverage is traditionally associated with politeness?

Cordial.

#1389

What do you call a symbolic gruesome painting?

Alle-gory-cal.

#1388

The conservative architect strongly advised against all multi-level projects, as she believed that they would end in tiers.

#1387

What do you call someone who receives money from the lead singer of U2?

A Bono-ficiary.

#1386

After rumours of a rebellion reached the capital, the dictator's council advised him to reign in his tyranny.

#1385

From what book do cowboys take religious instruction?

Giddy-on's Bible.

#1384

What did the hairdresser say to the chicken vendor?

"It's not about the nugget, it's about the lice."

#1383

Awareness of the irony of the situation prevented the torture exhibition's staff from stopping ticket scalpers.

#1382

After compiling a montage of her different roles, Tereza began to reel in film roles.

#1381

"After all, your Honour, it's called the e-con-omy. I rest my case."

Eros's career as a defense attorney for fraudsters was short-lived.

#1380

Amid their attempts to reduce the length of the soccer's official rule book, FIFA officials have been accused of attempting to cut corners.

#1379

British locals have been increasingly having children with African immigrants. Not since before the industrial revolution has the United Kingdom seen such a high number of black Smiths.

#1378

The police sergeant gazed glumly at the wall, which bore a lush covering of soapy bubbles, and sighed.

"I said I wanted you to think about a deterrent for graffiti, Gravener. Not detergent. Deterrent."

#1377

What do you call the assessor of a shooting exam?

A marksman.

#1376

It is conventional for a furry porn actor to have a skunk double.

#1375

A: I can't believe you cut off my water supply! This isn't funny, B.

B: I think you need to make more of an effort to understand my dry sense of humour.

#1374

A: What do you say when you want him to write?

B: Inscribe!

A: And when you want to dismiss him?

B: Out, scribe!

#1373

What kind of guard stands in the middle of a camp?

A centry.

#1372

What kind of drink is designed to help reptiles?

Gator-aid.

#1371

What do you call a work of theatre sent in the mail?

A post script.

#1370

Where does the Vatican keep records of its cancelled marriages?

In its Annuls.

#1369

"Your diction is excellent, but you are very poor at dividing food appropriately among your guests. You will have to take allocation lessons."

#1368

Boris Nemtsov, an outspoken critic of the Russian government, was killed after disPutin its practices.

#1367

Why did the cat shed in the garden?

To furtilise the plants.

#1366

Too weak to be a piano mover, Alan decided to transport triangles - however, there wasn't much work, even after he advertised himself as the first real shapeshifter.

#1365

What did Odysseus's Chinese crew member say about the seductresses of the sea?

"The Sirens was deafening."

#1364

What do you call a Mexican hairdresser?

Ombré.

#1363

The hardest part of being a sniper is maintaining focus.

#1362

Which dance is traditionally performed against the barriers between rooms?

The walltz.

#1361

In the scarecrow's opinion, the adjacent rosebush was just a thorn in his side.

#1360

The taxi driver was disqualified from the race for starting early; he was now the first cab off the ranks.

#1359

What is the sauciest seafood dish?

Anything with periwinkles.

#1358

The female greenhouse curator was fired after numerous attempts at smashing the glass ceiling.

#1357

What brand of condoms did dinosaurs wear?

Do-rex.

#1356

What do you call a relative sleeping on a serviette?

Napkin.

#1355

The predatory onions lured unsuspecting victims into their layers.

#1354

What is the official title of the elected leader of tropical fruits?

The guavanor.

#1353

What do you call a group of prostitutes barely visible in the distance?

A whore-izon.

#1352

On what day does France formally celebrate all the looting that occurred during the Revolution?

Ba-steal Day.

#1351

After a century of secularisation, the central church, which had once seemed grand and magnificent, now merely appeared cathe-droll.

#1350

A: These models are way too thin to be healthy!

B: No, they're just elegaunt.

#1349

The stage manager knew that any backdrop could be created if she set her mind to it.

#1348

After living in Australia for years, Shelley's understanding of the nation's language could only be described as intimate.

#1347

"Not everything is black and white! I hate it when people put me into boxes."

For what seemed like the hundredth time, the ringmaster wondered why Rosy had signed up to be a goth magician's assistant.