#1254

"Back off or I'll knock your block off!"

The mobster's babysitter smiled wearily.

"That's not how we share our Lego, is it, Danny?"

#1253

The sailor's desire to wed his clock was forbidden under marry-time law.

#1252

The two metalworkers, denied permission to marry from their families, had decided to steel away into the night.

#1251

Verity wondered whether she had become more distant from her family after switching to bath sponges; perhaps returning to natural exfoliation would make her less aloofah.

#1250

In which European capital is a river blocked with rodents?

Hamsterdam.

#1249

What song did Bon Jovi write after a holiday in Walnut Grove?

Livin' On A Prairie

#1248

The donkey's comments were considered very bray-zen.

#1247

The roof salesman was very good at ceiling the deal.

#1246

The cobblers had worked together in the same shop for years - they saw each other as sole mates.

#1245

Helen easily found a job restoring cars - she had an eye for detail.

#1244

The general looked at the diagram of the territory, filled with every kind of wagon, and sighed. Clearly, her staff had not understood the meaning of cartographer.

#1243

The tanning instructor was known as a hard bask-master.

#1242

"All who wish to follow me must abandon their hives of honey! Such is the sacrifice required to become a bee-leaver."

#1241

What do you call the followers of a spiritual leader who are responsible for insulting other religions?

Diss-iples.

#1240

What do you call someone who's crying because they're not transgendered?

A cissy.

#1239

Where does the government of the Philippines store its documents?

In Manila folders.

#1238

A: Are you serious about the baby goats?

B: No, I'm just kidding.

#1237

The filmmaker avoided Vine; she felt that it was easy pickings.

#1236

What did the police officer say when subduing an offender?

"Cop that!"

#1235

What did the antivirus software developer say to the malware?

"Norton my watch!"

#1234

Everyone at the theatre company was amped to meet the new sound engineer.

#1233

The chef was deeply moved by the honour of representing her country, and provided a stirring rendition of the anthem.

#1232

After losing his tongue, the animator was rendered speechless.

#1231

What did the soldier say when accused of having unoriginal shooting methods?

"Mimicry is the highest form of battery."

#1230

The anarchist sous-chef was always trying to stir up trouble.

#1229

A: I can't find any good recipes to use all these eggs and speck.

B: Maybe you should lower your egg-speck-tations.

#1228

A: The kangaroo keeps hitting its head on the roof of its new enclosure.

B: Well, that was bound to happen.

#1227

What do junkie pastry chefs do in their spare time?

Get baked.

#1226

The dog sat patiently under the sweet syrup, hoping that some would eventually treacle down to him.

#1225

I wanted to make a pun about painting, but I'm afraid that those kinds of jokes don't come easelly to me.

#1224

Bricklayers don't get drunk; they get plastered.

#1223

How did Sebastian the crab get satellite television reception?

He used an Ariel.

#1222

The wafer factory faced its greatest challenge yet; truly, it was crunch time.

#1221

When placed under scrutiny, the self-loathing coffee maker couldn't stand his own ground.

#1220

The other fundamental forces found gravity condescending; they didn't appreciate its top-down manner.

#1219

What do you call a portable sleeping bag?

A napsack.

#1218

A: Do you think I should get a dual-boot computer?

B: No way! That sounds like utter chaOS.

#1217

What happened to the computer programmer who developed a cough?

She became a hacker.

#1216

What do you call the act of killing someone with fermented fruit juice?

Homi-cider.

#1215

Where do seabirds invest their money?

In an alba-trust fund.

#1214

What Chinese-Greek crossover myth tells the story of the most beautiful long-legged bird in the world?

Heron of Troy.

#1213

A: Do you think two people are more likely to date if they take the same classes?

B: Only if they have chemistry together.

#1212

The unwitting statistician found the average without meaning to do so.

#1211

On what machine do angry people exercise?

A cross trainer.

#1210

The priest had become adept at nearly all aspects of fishing; yet, he still refused to master bait.

#1209

What do advertisers and electricians have in common?

They're both good at plugging things.

#1208

The comedian always kept her appointments; she would never stand up a date.

#1207

The incompetent fisherman was even worse in finance - he struggled to keep a float.

#1206

What is the favourite mathematical concept of dressmakers?

Tailor polynomials.

#1205

What do you call it when rappers murder their close friends?

Homie-cide.