#767

What did Kevin Rudd say when he realised that his fly was undone?

"I've got to zip."

#766

A: I had a dream in which I was on a large revolving merry-go-round, with painful unresolved memories from my past being played out in the other seats. I was terrified. What do you think it means?

B: Don't go near airports.

A: Why?

B: You're clearly afraid of baggage carousels.

#765

Nata didn't think that she would enjoy fishing, but soon, she was hooked.

#764

The truck driver stared flabbergasted at the gas station attendant, who was tenderly caressing his vehicle.

"Fill, not feel! I said, fill it up!"

#763

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse replies, "It's hard to be happy when you're wearing a sad-dle."

The alcoholic observing this does some serious thinking and quits drinking that very night.

#762

What tree makes sick people more unwell?

A sick-a-more.

#761

A group of musicians who play their instruments with the bases of their hands instead of their fingers is known as a wristband.

#760

What sounds like striking a mallet and grabs people's attention when worn on the head?

A striking mullet.

#759

What did the train driver say to the indecisive tourists who wanted to travel to another state?

"It's my way or the highway."

#758

A: Oh no! I've run out of hay!

B: Don't worry, I'll bale you out.

#757

A: I've been throwing up all day.

B: Poor retch.

#756

A: The strongest tremors were felt at the factory that produces anti-allergy injections.

B: I suppose you could call it the epicentre.

#755

A: I'm having a great time in Rome.

B: Are you going to change your hair colour when you leave?

A: Why?

B: You know the saying. "See Rome and dye."

#754

What did the lapidary yell at the thieves as they ran away with his gems?

"Jewel regret this!"

#753

It is common to see nuns in a convent, since this is their natural habit-at.

#752

Wallace claimed to have bronze skin, but no one could see any tan-gible proof.

#751

After a bitter dispute over who would keep the sweet sauce, the divorce court decided on joint custard-y.

#750

Teacher: Use the word eiderdown in a sentence.

Student: A fluctuating value cannot stay the same - it must go eiderdown or up.

#749

The Dutch businessman took out his social anxiety on his personal assistant. Whenever he met someone for the first time, he would shake Hans.

#748

What did the Jedi drug dealer say to thwart the police from his illegal steroids?

"These aren't the roids you're looking for."

#747

For many years, the British pronunciation of the term for a personal attendant was considered to be in-valet by the French.

#746

Throughout Asia, people often get confused between gruff local fishermen and their catch. It is notoriously difficult to distinguish between crusty Asians and their crustaceans.

#745

What device do the police use to detect child molesters?

A pedometer.

#744

Why couldn't the Chinese fruit grower communicate with the Chinese chorister?

One of them spoke Mandarin while the other spoke Cantor-nese.

#743

In an attempt to be more sensitive towards survivors of gunshot wounds, the police were trained to announce a trigger warning before firing.

#742

The study of ancient coins is known as old-mismatics.

#741

Which surgical instrument is used to cut open the flesh that covers the skull?

A scalp-el.

#740

Robert's attempt to assist the group of musicians was dismissed as a band-aid solution.

#739

The dyslexic historian thought that Russia had once been ruled by linen.

#738

Elspeth tried to find the missing bandage, but eventually she decided that it was a lost gauze.

#737

The experience of living under an leaky roof taught the children about the importance of a good sealing.

#736

Where do rodents house their tombs?

In a mouse-oleum.

#735

On what material does one write at the beach?

Sandpaper.

#734

A: Should I be worried about not having a jumper?

B: Nah, don't sweater it.

#733

A: Did you ask her if she had put a tap into the wine barrel?

B: I didn't know how to broach the topic.

#732

Whenever she overheard someone else's conversation, Eve lost all bowel control. Her habit of listening in became known as Eve's droppings.

#731

Musical chairs in Buckingham Palace: the original Game of Thrones.

#730

A: Why do you have a ramp instead of stairs?

B: Because that's how I roll.

#729

Years of experience working on the streets had made Michelle very prost-astute.

#728

The biggest ram in the flock fixed the farmer with a steely gaze.

"We herd you the first time."

#727

She claimed that she wasn't interested in One Direction, but it was obvious that she was in de-Niall.

#726

How do New Zealand beer makers greet each other?

"Hey, brew!"

#725

The gossip columnist thought that Brad and Angelina's family was the pits.

#724

What do you call it when a gun dealer browses through a sodium collection?

A salt rifle.

#723

"In this classroom, we use metric units. I will make you forget the imperial system, even if I have to pound it out of you!"

#722

What device only plays records with syntactically correct lyrics?

A grammar-phone.

#721

"We're worried about our daughter," explained the cannibal. "She's been off her face for a week - and face is her favourite!"

#720

To inexperienced farmers, ploughing can be a harrowing experience.

#719

Where do choristers store their wine?

In a de-cantor.

#718

A: Why wasn't there a post yesterday?

B: The mailmen were on strike.

A: Did you actually break the blog schedule just to make that pun?

B: Nothing is sacred.