#725

The gossip columnist thought that Brad and Angelina's family was the pits.

#724

What do you call it when a gun dealer browses through a sodium collection?

A salt rifle.

#723

"In this classroom, we use metric units. I will make you forget the imperial system, even if I have to pound it out of you!"

#722

What device only plays records with syntactically correct lyrics?

A grammar-phone.

#721

"We're worried about our daughter," explained the cannibal. "She's been off her face for a week - and face is her favourite!"

#720

To inexperienced farmers, ploughing can be a harrowing experience.

#719

Where do choristers store their wine?

In a de-cantor.

#718

A: Why wasn't there a post yesterday?

B: The mailmen were on strike.

A: Did you actually break the blog schedule just to make that pun?

B: Nothing is sacred.

#717

I would make a joke about the impecunious water-surrounded nation, but that would poor-isle humour.

#716

"Now, you gotta make some effort to sell these drugs, Tommy," drawled the mobster, "but nothing too drastic. Don't push it."

#715

Making handbags takes great purse-everance.

#714

Emotionally expressive cat owners enjoy talking about their felines.

#713

I would make a joke about sadomasochistic bestial necrophilia, but that would be flogging a dead horse.

#712

What do you call nobles who cannot have heirs?

Baron.

#711

What were the bus conductor's parting words?

"Fare thee well."

#710

Richard the famous physicist was generally considered to be a Fine man.

#709

The belly dancing instructor preferred to be known as a navel commander.

#708

Colin the cricket umpire was a messy eater at the best of times, but since he had started bringing honey and marmalade sandwiches to work, the players had found themselves on a rather sticky wicket.

#707

A: He spiked their drinks with sleeping pills.

B: That's sop-horrific!

#706

The politician's promise to import brightly coloured neotropical birds with large beaks was dismissed by many as empty toucanism.

#705

The ancient broth recipe stewed the test of time.

#704

A: Why are you avoiding me?

B: I heard it was your berth-day.

#703

The Middle Eastern baker reflected that the best thing about having kids was waking up to the pita patter of little feet.

#702

The tortoise beat the hare by carapacing itself.

#701

For Josh, the most uncomfortable aspect of changing his guitar strings was the tension it created.

#700

No matter how widely he opened his mouth, the cannibalistic lion could not swallow his pride.

#699

Who can survive in the Sahara?

An Afri can.

#698

What beverage was used as an instrument throughout 80s pop songs?

Ab-synth.

#697

How do bakers challenge each other's credibility?

"Do you even sift, bro?"

#696

A: Did all the self-absorbed people find adjacent chairs?

B: Yes, they are con-seated.

#695

The mirror couldn't help showing people images of themselves. It was a reflects action.

#694

How do you spot radiologists at a party?

They're the ones scanning the room.

#693

Why was King Solomon often asked to resolve conflicts?

He was an excellent ad-Jew-dicator.

#692

One year ago, Millicent wouldn't have had the confidence to lift a large rock, but since she'd started moving small and medium-sized stones, she had been getting boulder.

#691

Have you heard the one about the computer that could stop time? It never gets old.

#690

What happened when the bread maker took drugs?

He got baked.

#689

A: He doesn't want any of our minerals.

B: Well, less phos for him, more phos for us.

#688

Teacher: Use the word dispersion in a sentence.

Student: Dispersion is from Tehran, but that Persian is from Isfahan.

#687

After 20 years working in a pencil shop, Gladys felt that her career was stationary.

#686

The Jewish community in Japan has established a Whaling Wall.

#685

A: These small nails are really ugly.

B: Are you saying that they look tacky?

#684

What word appears at the end of any film about sharks?

Fin.

#683

What did the madam say when her girls returned to work after a holiday?

"Long time, no D."

#682

What do you call someone who sells narcotics from a bicycle?

A drug peddler.

#681

Composers who use too many triplets tend to be arrested and kept inside a compound.

#680

What do bees do when they're angry?

Cross-pollination.

#679

A: My ballroom dancing teacher says that I'm an absolute failure.

B: Don't worry, A. There are plenty of other dances you can try. An abun-dance, if you will.

[Pause. A crunching sound.]

B: For example, you excel at high kicks.

#678

Who sings the best break-up songs?

Dolly Partin'.

#677

The dictator was tired of improper male geese. It was time for some propaganda.

#676

Marina was disappointed by the lack of interest in her warm baked goods business - she had expected them to sell like hot cakes.