#675

Given his name, the music of Carcassi is surprisingly lively.

#674

As a job, de-seeding cherries would be the pits.

#673

Having just arrived at the Manhattan statistics conference, Tessa was in an empirical state of mind.

#672

Robin's parents intervened as soon as he started modifying their front fence - they knew that it could be a gateway to more serious construction projects.

#671

I want to write books about a nineteenth century German philosopher, but I'm afraid that it would only appeal to a Nietzsche market.

#670

A: You only sell tickets at a fixed price? What about discounts for children, students, or seniors?

B: I'm afraid that we make no such concessions.

#669

"They're running out of plastic tubes intended for transferring a beverage from its container to the mouth of the drinker by use of suction? This is the last straw!"

#668

I amino state to do this chemistry exam.

#667

"It's elementary, my dear Watson. At seven o'clock that morning, he was searching for his missing deodorant. At eight o'clock, he was found dead on his bathroom floor. Well, that very same bottle of deodorant is on this table. There is no mystery to this murder, Watson. Right before our eyes, we have the missing Lynx."

#666

In what shape is hay served to Cattle-ics?

In a Christian Bale.

#665

What did Lady Macbeth say while doing her laundry?

"Out, damned spot! out, I say!"

#664

Noah had included a private cabin so that he would have a space to himself when the animals arked up too much.

#663

After quitting her job as a human rotating clothes rack, a position she had held for the past twenty years, Erin was dismayed to find that her old colleagues were calling her a turncoat.

#662

Diehard Democrats will always Barack for Obama.

#661

Many asthma sufferers find the traditions of the Vatican to be incense-itive.

#660

What do company executives play to relax after meetings?

Board games.

#659

Odette had everything she needed to take the revolution to the capital - the numbers, the spirit, the timing. The only obstacle that stood in her way was the marshland, which had risen above the road after the deluge. She was a rebel without a causeway.

#658

A: Why do you always give me a clock for my birthday?

B: Because there's no time like the present.

#657

Which novel by Leo Tolstoy told the tragic tale of a ceramic vessel flute's affair with a Count?

Ana Ocarin-ina.

#656

The aging mobster was so shocked by the sudden entry of police into his den that he suffered a heart attack. It was later referred to as a cardiac arrest.

#655

Most of the time, it was an ordinary house; but, every full moon, it was transformed into a warehouse.

#654

I hope that everyone has a (wait for it) Good Friday.

#653

Critics agreed that the greatest strength of Slumdog Millionaire was the caste.

#652

A: Would you like to learn how to tie together thin strings of timber?

B: I wood knot.

#651

What breed of geese live near Spain?

Portu-geese.

#650

What did the beaver say when he learned that his home river was being affected by global warming?

"Hot dam!"

#649

What did the plumber say when the electrical supplies company gave her free advertising?

"Thanks for the plug."

#648

As the Japanese gardeners charged, their blood-curdling scream rang around the valley.

"BONSAIIIIII!"

#647

What did Goldilocks eat at the house of the Three Bears?

Paw-ridge.

#646

A: Do I have copyright permission to use any of these photos?

B: You can use the photo of the goods in store, the photo of the cattle, the photo of the powdered beef, and the photo of the tree trunk - they're all stock images.

#645

Fiona found her new, well-fitting gloves very useful; they were very handy.

#644

Teacher: Use the word accord in a sentence.

Student: I need to tie up this bundle of sticks, but I don't have accord.

#643

Employer: It says here that you worked as an engineer.

Candidate: Yes, my work there was in remote operations. As the lead engineer, I coordinated overseas projects.

Employer: More like an engi-far.

Candidate: I no longer want this job.

#642

The giant weaving machine loomed menacingly.

#641

"Did you cook Megan's meal first just because she's a vegetarian? I can't believe you'd put herbivore me."

#640

As an actress, Jennifer was one of the very best at crying; she knew that she was definitely ranked in the top tear.

#639

An alleged quarrel between the former Pope Benedict XVI and the newly elected Pope Francis I has been reported, but journalists remain uncertain of the motives for this pon-tiff.

#638

The sergeant gazed glumly at the large pile of floppy hats before him. He glanced at his youngest charge, who was standing to attention next to the heap.

"It was hard, sir. Especially here in Afghanistan, sir. But I managed to find enough for the whole squad sir," he concluded, beaming with pride.

The sergeant sighed.

"Fetch us Berettas, I said, Private Gorton. Not berets, Berettas."

#637

Today on Unusual Collectors, we met Larry, who keeps a stache of facial hair.

#636

Penny was partial to Swiss cheese; she found it very holesome.

#635

The lawn maintenance group, like many other community collectives, considered itself a grassroots movement.

#634

Gabriel the perfumer was having problems with his emails - he couldn't access the scent items.

#633

Emma liked to use her freerunning skills to spy on her colleagues. This earned her the nickname "nosy parkour".

#632

Many banks have begun to offer carpenters a vault in which to store any spare bits of wood. These are known as shavings accounts.

#631

Mathematician A: What's your favourite inequality?

Mathematician B: Racism.

#630

Teacher: Use the word supersede in a sentence.

Student: You can grow an epic plant if you have a supersede.

#629

The hens formed an association in order to lobby together for more corn. It was called the Chicken Co-op.

#628

Most people thought that Boris was a clear favourite to win the World Drooling Championships. However, he did not live up to expectorations.

#627

Arnaud had established a shop dedicated solely to disgusting fruit and vegetables. It was to be called a grosserie.

#626

What did Jesus say when he secured a sports broadcast for his network?

"I have come that they may have live coverage, and have it to the fullest."