#647

What did Goldilocks eat at the house of the Three Bears?

Paw-ridge.

#646

A: Do I have copyright permission to use any of these photos?

B: You can use the photo of the goods in store, the photo of the cattle, the photo of the powdered beef, and the photo of the tree trunk - they're all stock images.

#645

Fiona found her new, well-fitting gloves very useful; they were very handy.

#644

Teacher: Use the word accord in a sentence.

Student: I need to tie up this bundle of sticks, but I don't have accord.

#643

Employer: It says here that you worked as an engineer.

Candidate: Yes, my work there was in remote operations. As the lead engineer, I coordinated overseas projects.

Employer: More like an engi-far.

Candidate: I no longer want this job.

#642

The giant weaving machine loomed menacingly.

#641

"Did you cook Megan's meal first just because she's a vegetarian? I can't believe you'd put herbivore me."

#640

As an actress, Jennifer was one of the very best at crying; she knew that she was definitely ranked in the top tear.

#639

An alleged quarrel between the former Pope Benedict XVI and the newly elected Pope Francis I has been reported, but journalists remain uncertain of the motives for this pon-tiff.

#638

The sergeant gazed glumly at the large pile of floppy hats before him. He glanced at his youngest charge, who was standing to attention next to the heap.

"It was hard, sir. Especially here in Afghanistan, sir. But I managed to find enough for the whole squad sir," he concluded, beaming with pride.

The sergeant sighed.

"Fetch us Berettas, I said, Private Gorton. Not berets, Berettas."

#637

Today on Unusual Collectors, we met Larry, who keeps a stache of facial hair.

#636

Penny was partial to Swiss cheese; she found it very holesome.

#635

The lawn maintenance group, like many other community collectives, considered itself a grassroots movement.

#634

Gabriel the perfumer was having problems with his emails - he couldn't access the scent items.

#633

Emma liked to use her freerunning skills to spy on her colleagues. This earned her the nickname "nosy parkour".

#632

Many banks have begun to offer carpenters a vault in which to store any spare bits of wood. These are known as shavings accounts.

#631

Mathematician A: What's your favourite inequality?

Mathematician B: Racism.

#630

Teacher: Use the word supersede in a sentence.

Student: You can grow an epic plant if you have a supersede.

#629

The hens formed an association in order to lobby together for more corn. It was called the Chicken Co-op.

#628

Most people thought that Boris was a clear favourite to win the World Drooling Championships. However, he did not live up to expectorations.

#627

Arnaud had established a shop dedicated solely to disgusting fruit and vegetables. It was to be called a grosserie.

#626

What did Jesus say when he secured a sports broadcast for his network?

"I have come that they may have live coverage, and have it to the fullest."

#625

On his first day of work as the music teacher at a special needs school, Renzo learned that shouting, "Ritard!" was not the best way to tell the students to play slowly.

#624

After forty years of peeling lemons, Ariane still retained her zest for life.

#623

High ambient temperature can hasten the spoiling process. Seafood is particularly prawn to this.

#622

The Church of Coconut was in uproar. One of their fundamental precepts was the sacredness of moisture. Yet, here before their very eyes, lay a desecrated coconut.

#621

What did Gandalf say to the computer programmer?

"You shall not parse."

#620

Employer: It says here that you worked in Her Majesty's gardens.

Candidate: Yes, I was an assistant to the Royal Gardener, and worked in one of the hedge-trimming sectors.

Employer: Using hedge-trimming secateurs?

Candidate: I no longer want this job.

#619

"I don't understand it. I'm calm, caring, and warm. I have years of experience as a nurse. I look after my patients better than anyone else. I do everything for them! I'm the very model of a midwife, and yet all my patients get nervous around me. What am I doing wrong?"

"I expect they're just nervous to be around a nurse with such a tremendous reputation, Miss Carriage."

#618

A: We know that Cathy's cheating. But how do we prove it?

B: Our only option is to Catherine the act.

A: We are no longer working together on this.

#617

Tracy, a former gangster-rapping cave explorer, reflected that his language hadn't changed much since he had become a contract lawyer. Where once he might have said, "Where's that cave at?" he now asked, "Where's that caveat?"

#616

What did John Lennon say to his wife when the Beatles split?

"Ono!"

#615

What is the most famous hymn of the Church of Uranium?

Be Thou My Fission

#614

After examining the work of Newton and Leibniz, I find it hard to differentiate between the two.

#613

If you go to Russia right now, you might meteor Maker.

#612

"So the butler had been dancing with pickles on Dutch privateers."

It was all falling into place. Susan the detective had got to the bottom of these curious capers.

#611

Yes, it was a strange city. Yes, she had never worked on a drug case before. Yes, they had sent her here with no evidence or intelligence whatsoever. Yet, as Susan the detective stepped off the train, she knew exactly which way to walk. If there was one thing she had learned in her years with the police, it was that every city has a High St. And that that's where the drugs are.

#610

Henry VIII loved sports cars - his whole family preferred Tudor vehicles to four-door models.

#609

Which contemporary pop star is known for making clothes quickly?

Tailor Swift.

#608

As the torturer continued to flutter his eyelids, the prisoner begged for the lashing to end.

#607

Some dogs drink water with quick, dainty flicks of their tongue. These are referred to as "lap dogs".

#606

Once upon a time in a mint:

A: These coins are impractical. I wish we had something lighter and convenient for larger denominations. Do you know what I mean? Maybe made of paper instead of metal.

B: Sure, I'll make a note of it.

#605

As they walked around, carrying their tents and sleeping bags, the hikers looked very camp.

#604

Clearly in the red and with no way out, the manager of the hydroelectric plant realised that it would have to enter liquidation.

#603

The colonial hipster liked Asian labourers before they were coolies.

#602

What did Elvis say when both he and his date had chaperones?

"We can't go on together with suspicious minders."

#601

A: Which gun contains the bullets?

B: Well, that's a loaded question.

#600

Xavier was usually unimpressed by natural phenomena, but after noticing the beauty of moisture settling on plants in the morning, he felt that he had to give credit where it was dew.

#599

"We don't want your sort in here," growled the bartender as he threw the array ordering function out of his front door.

#598

They tried to offer Miranda some chocolate, but she wouldn't have a bar of it.