#524

A: I think my Russian friend is gay, but in denial.

B: I see we have a Communist in the closet.

#523

"I've wagered ten quid on Tony trimming the shrubbery, and ten quid on him not doing it. I'm hedging my bets."

#522

A: How long will it take you to make an animated image?

B: I can have it done in a giffy.

#521

The plutocracy of monkeys had turned the zoo into a banana republic.

#520

Sarah the horse had had enough of moving from one rented property to another; now she wanted a stable residence.

#519

I know what metal is used to make computer chips, so any attempt to trick me into believing otherwise is a silly con.

#518

Talking about computer components makes my mother bored.

#517

The unprepared cheerleaders were never going to win the contest - they had no chants.

#516

A study has shown that petting baby ducks is the most effective treatment for depression. So, if you're feeling down, you should try feeling down.

#515

A: You're drinking an entire bottle of vodka?

B: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

#514

Today, pikelets are a breakfast food. However, in the Middle Ages, they were used to skewer barbarianlets.

#513

Why is playing Quidditch like arresting an clandestine informant?

The game ends when you catch the snitch.

#512

Politicians must pay particular attention to firefighters and strippers, as their dealings with these groups have a huge impact on the poles.

#511

The Sound of Music exposes many real problems with the society of its time; most poignantly, the lack of social clubs for goatherds.

#510

Updating the scoreboard at rugby matches was a frustrating task for Jimmy; he found it very trying.

#509

Which chemical element represents fraternal camaraderie?

Bro-mine.

#508

What did the priest say when he saw the incense?

"Holy smokes!"

#507

You seriously want a urine sample? All along I thought you were just taking the piss.

#506

A: Oh no. Oh no, B! I think the cannibals are going to preserve us in vinegar!

B: Well, it seems like we're in a bit of a pickle.

#505

The Lion, The Witch, The Hyperbola, The Parabola And The Wardrobe was the most popular book in the series The Conicals of Narnia.

#504

Mathematics is full of jokes; geometry is particularly conical.

#503

What made ancient Egyptian rulers so attractive?

Pharaoh-mones.

#502

What did the thief do when she was caught robbing the hardware store?

She bolted.

#501

A: Singers with higher voices always sound nicer.

B: That is bassist.

#500

Jumping out of a moving train takes a lot of carriage.

#499

The flame that ignited the Big Bang came from a match made in heaven.

#498

Pierre the film critic described Prune Juice as "very moving", and gave it "two thumbs up".

#497

On the pillar was scrawled a warning:

Drug-takers will be stoned.

#496

Most of the people who opposed communism in China were too afraid to Mao-nt a protest.

#495

The sky, the ocean, the jeans, the forget-me-nots, the navy uniforms, the sapphires, and the royal blood all formed a spectacular sight which blue Jay away.

#494

The balloon industry is one of the few to profit from inflation.

#493

I wanted to make a joke about Monica Lewinsky, but I couldn't think of a good gag.

#492

Many female animals, once they reach a certain age, undergo a process known as menopaws.

#491

Fog makes everything look mist-erious.

#490

A: Check out my new tuner. It includes scales!

B: As far as I know, there are always scales on a tuna.

#489

Success in music exams weighs heavily on scales. It also rests upon the use of silence.

#488

What did Yoda say when he was the referee of a rugby match?

"Do or do not, there is no try."

#487

The taxi driver hesitated to drive forward, knowing that it could be dangerous to break ranks.

#486

Hitler appreciated muscular, unintelligent women such as Eva, who was all Braun and no brains.

#485

A rare recording of Hitler singing an early version of Bonnie Tyler's hit Total Eclipse of the Heart has revealed that he was cheating on his girlfriend.

And I need you now tonight,
And I need you more than Eva.

#484

A: Innuendo is -

B: No, in your end-o.

#483

A: Do you like any kind of fish?

B: Well, I'm totally addicted to bass.

#482

A: We might use material from trees, but it depends on a few things.

B: Ah, I see, a conditional wood.

#481

Normal people: "What's happening?"

Brass musicians: "What's the buzz?"

#480

How to make any tragedy more fun:

Insert "death" in place of a syllable in the original statement.

Example 1

A: Twelve people were killed today in an accident on the highway.

B: Highway? More like deathway!

Example 2

A: Three thousand people perished as the cruise liner sank.

B: Cruise liner? More like death liner!

Example 3

A: Oh no! No! No, this can't be happening!

B: What's wrong?

A: My whole family! They're dead!

B: How?

A: They were on an aeroplane, and it crashed!

B: Aeroplane? More like deathroplane!

#479

The fruit filled pastries were one of the bakery's most popular products; they always had a high turnover.

#478

Sopranos are more likely to take drugs than any other type of singer; this is why they are always so high.

And irrational, neurotic, irritable, violent, incapable of following simple instructions, prone to mood swings, and generally insane.

#477

What do you call a quintet of altos?

An alfoot.

#476

I wouldn't pay more than a pair of five dollar notes for a tenor.

#475

Why are basses the best at reading poetry?

They can make anything sound deep.