#341

Jack had only performed two executions, but he was already getting the hang of it.

#340

Elly the defence attorney had only represented clients in two cases of indecent assault, but she was already getting the feel of it.

#339

If you see something, say something - preferably something racist and offensive.

#338

Anything is possible when your man smells like Old Spice and is one with the universe.

#337

Mark the real estate agent was yet to learn the difference between ducted heating and a heater held together with duct tape.

#336

Irony is when the word combinatorics is classified as an uncountable noun.

#335

What did the Cookie Monster say when playing the role of Juliet?

O Oreo, Oreo! wherefore art thou Oreo?

#334

When I said mathematician, I meant combinatorist. Other mathematicians don't count.

#333

Where are monks sent to be slaughtered?

An abbot-toir.

#332

Although she generally enjoyed the banter with rival convents, Sister Anne had grown sick of the 'yo momma superior' jokes.

#331

As the Mother Superior's deputy, Rosetta was second to nun.

#330

I don't think any priest could ever have been as excited as the one who realised that, instead of "praising God", one could "laud the Lord".

Well, it would have made me very happy.

#329

Scientists are searching for habitable planets in other star systems, primarily so that lactose intolerant humans need no longer suffer in the Milky Way.

#328

The story of Icarus teaches us that, when things get hot, even the best wingman will fail.

#327

The Bible is full of people being punished for sending out messengers and representatives, warning us against the deadly sin of envoy.

#326

Lincoln is famous for Abe-olishing slavery.

#325

A: I'm sorry, I will not tolerate bees in my house.

B: You're always such a buzzkill!

#324

It is the fat in meat the causes it to remain upright. Thus, meat with little or no fat is called lean meat.

#323

Irony is when an overweight, middle-aged person's hard drive is formatted as FAT32.

#322

Roger the abalone had no friends. He was very abalonely.

#321

A: So, this magnet will exert a force on farm vehicles?

B: Yes, it will work as a tractor attractor.

#320

The golf club was sick of being the designated driver.

#319

A: What artist are you listening to?

B: The [mumbled gibberish].

A: The who?

B: Yes, them!

#318

The most important thing to remember when giving someone flowers is to include the petals. Otherwise you will seem like a stalker.

#317

"Winners are wieners!"

It was sometimes said that the chants of the Worms supporters had been shaped by their decade at the bottom of the table.

#316

A: I'm sick of people calling me a control freak.

B: Maybe it's because you use so many keyboard shortcuts.

A: I can't help it. You know I'm scared of mice.

B: That's true. You and your mouse have never really clicked.

A: Yes, I'm more the keyboard type.

B: You don't see the point of a mouse?

A: I do, but sometimes it can be such a drag. I tend to pretend that it's not there.

B: I've noticed that. When you start your computer, you use your keyboard straight away. You barely give your mouse a cursory glance.

A: Okay, stop. That was too cheesy.

B: Well, mice like cheese.

#315

1. Fix my bucket.
2. Kill Liza.

Henry's bucket list was remarkably succinct.

#314

If spices were celebrities, aniseed would be a star.

#313

A POEM FOR INTERNATIONAL EARTH DAY

The rain comes from the sky above,
The fruit comes from the farmer,
The tax goes to the government,
And everyone's a llama.

The world faces impending doom,
Apocalyptic drama:
The earth will shake, the sky will burn,
And everyone's a llama.

We'll learn to make sustainable,
Each cheesecake, car, pyjama.
We'll learn to treasure nature's gifts,
And everyone's a llama.

The raging clouds will drift away,
The climate will grow calmer,
We'll live as one in harmony,
And everyone's a llama.

#312

Tomorrow is International Mirth Day. It's like International Earth Day, except that you giggle whenever someone says the word "sustainable".

#311

A: I have a puzzle to solve.

B: Your puzzle's sins are forgiven!

A: That didn't solve anything.

B: Oh, you need to solve a puzzle? I thought you needed to absolve a puzzle.

#310

On today's show, we have Dan, a bigot who has had so many heated arguments on the internet that he reads capitals faster than simple letters.

#309

Poor old Les was unlucky in love. Everyone wanted more, and no one wanted Les.

#308

The Email Philosopher believes that life is no more than a series of attachments.

#307

A: What was the Roman Empire's typical method of public execution?

B: Crucifixion?

A: Correct.

B: Yes! Nailed it!

#306

Some fishermen are also necromancers. They salmon spirits.

#305

Why is it so difficult to break up with Star Trek fans?

Because they Klingon.

#304

A: Have you studied psychoanalysis?

B: I'm a-Freud not.

#303

Slaughter: it's just laughter with an 's'.

#302

What was the traditional final meal served to prisoners before they faced the guillotine?

Chops.

#301

But more than anything else, it was the outfit of the Ku Klux Klan that angered him; it really gave him the sheets.

#300

A: Are you saying that you have no idea how she became an amputee?

B: No idea at all. I'm stumped.

#299

A: Why is there a beeping sound whenever I get into bed?

B: That would be my lie detector.

A: But it beeps when I'm trying to go to sleep! I don't say a word!

B: It detects all forms of lying - not only falsehoods, but also stretching out horizontally.

#298

One of Shakespeare's most touching poems was written about a beautiful hole in the ground for drawing water. It is called the Ode of Fair Well.

#297

I refuse to drive large vehicles. I will have no truck with them.

#296

A: Should I attach this tube to the end of the hose?

B: Fo shozzle, ma nozzle.

#295

Teacher: Name three adverbs.

Student: Buy, hurry, save.

#294

The pirate captain's instruction was met with some dissent from his crew, who considered it to be an arrrbitrary decision.

#293

A: Hans thinks that everyone should be allowed to carry weapons.

B: Well, of course. Hands would want to bear arms.

#292

I think that he cheats at chess; that is to say, his actions are not entirely above board.