#310

On today's show, we have Dan, a bigot who has had so many heated arguments on the internet that he reads capitals faster than simple letters.

#309

Poor old Les was unlucky in love. Everyone wanted more, and no one wanted Les.

#308

The Email Philosopher believes that life is no more than a series of attachments.

#307

A: What was the Roman Empire's typical method of public execution?

B: Crucifixion?

A: Correct.

B: Yes! Nailed it!

#306

Some fishermen are also necromancers. They salmon spirits.

#305

Why is it so difficult to break up with Star Trek fans?

Because they Klingon.

#304

A: Have you studied psychoanalysis?

B: I'm a-Freud not.

#303

Slaughter: it's just laughter with an 's'.

#302

What was the traditional final meal served to prisoners before they faced the guillotine?

Chops.

#301

But more than anything else, it was the outfit of the Ku Klux Klan that angered him; it really gave him the sheets.

#300

A: Are you saying that you have no idea how she became an amputee?

B: No idea at all. I'm stumped.

#299

A: Why is there a beeping sound whenever I get into bed?

B: That would be my lie detector.

A: But it beeps when I'm trying to go to sleep! I don't say a word!

B: It detects all forms of lying - not only falsehoods, but also stretching out horizontally.

#298

One of Shakespeare's most touching poems was written about a beautiful hole in the ground for drawing water. It is called the Ode of Fair Well.

#297

I refuse to drive large vehicles. I will have no truck with them.

#296

A: Should I attach this tube to the end of the hose?

B: Fo shozzle, ma nozzle.

#295

Teacher: Name three adverbs.

Student: Buy, hurry, save.

#294

The pirate captain's instruction was met with some dissent from his crew, who considered it to be an arrrbitrary decision.

#293

A: Hans thinks that everyone should be allowed to carry weapons.

B: Well, of course. Hands would want to bear arms.

#292

I think that he cheats at chess; that is to say, his actions are not entirely above board.

#291

I'm sick of hearing people talking about Earth Hour. Why won't they just knock it off?

#290

Two's company, three's a crowd, four's is mass times acceleration.

#289

A: My latest culinary creation is based on a traditional Chinese dish, but it's a variation.

B: You're right. It does taste very Asian.

#288

How do socialists start a race?

On their Marx.

#287

A: I just keep wondering, why?

B: Because you have nothing better to do?

#286

Today, I was going to say something about winemaking, but I chose not to, because grape is never a joke.

#285

If you reflect upon the cigarette industry, you will see that it is all smoke and mirrors.

#284

The manufacturer of tennis equipment was charged with racketeering.

#283

I love stringed instruments from the Middle Ages. They sound absolutely beautiful.

#282

1912 parent: If you think of doing something naughty, remember that God can see you.

2012 parent: If you think of doing something naughty, remember that the Google Maps van could be passing.

#281

What do you call an infected cavity of pus on an inflamed six-pack?

An abs-cess.

#280

A: It's not enough to be able to do something. People want you to have a piece of paper saying that you can do it.

B: Are you sure? Perhaps you should qualify that statement.

#279

A: You stepped on my foot!

B: No, I allowed you to experience my heeling touch.

#278

A: Is she getting married?

B: Well, when I called her today, she was engaged.

#277

In many Chinese dialects, folklore and pork roll are pronounced the same.

#276

Memes are all the rage right now.

#275

The solitary moneylender was known for being a loaner.

#274

The photos that she had taken while on holiday in Barley were very grainy.

#273

You're not a seasoned performer until you have been as-salt-ed on stage.

#272

A: How do you know so much about wine?

B: Oh, you know, I hear things on the grapevine.

#271

A: Get up, you frothy hedge-born foot-licker!

B: Well, that was a rude awakening.

#270

A: Do these scissors meet your standards?

B: I'm afraid that they simply don't cut it.

#269

She knew that it would be risky to frolic, but eventually she decided that it was worth the gambol.

#268

Why would erectile dysfunction pose a grave threat to Chinese politics?

It would prevent them from having elections.

#267

I was going to make a pun about Pride and Prejudice, but I decided that it would be too Austentatious.

#266

All dem hos,
Impressed by my derring-do.

Rap never really took off in the eighteenth century.

#265

What kind of clinic treats equine illness?

A horsepital.

#264

My friend is trying to launch a collection of animated shorts. However, it appears that most people prefer garments that remain still on their legs.

#263

I can't believe that none of these buildings have wheelchair access. This is rampant disregard!

#262

Being a duke means more than simply owning property. Equally important is proper etiquette. One must learn to mind one's manors.

#261

What do you call an intersection which includes a shop that sells hot beverages?

A tea junction.