#300

A: Are you saying that you have no idea how she became an amputee?

B: No idea at all. I'm stumped.

#299

A: Why is there a beeping sound whenever I get into bed?

B: That would be my lie detector.

A: But it beeps when I'm trying to go to sleep! I don't say a word!

B: It detects all forms of lying - not only falsehoods, but also stretching out horizontally.

#298

One of Shakespeare's most touching poems was written about a beautiful hole in the ground for drawing water. It is called the Ode of Fair Well.

#297

I refuse to drive large vehicles. I will have no truck with them.

#296

A: Should I attach this tube to the end of the hose?

B: Fo shozzle, ma nozzle.

#295

Teacher: Name three adverbs.

Student: Buy, hurry, save.

#294

The pirate captain's instruction was met with some dissent from his crew, who considered it to be an arrrbitrary decision.

#293

A: Hans thinks that everyone should be allowed to carry weapons.

B: Well, of course. Hands would want to bear arms.

#292

I think that he cheats at chess; that is to say, his actions are not entirely above board.

#291

I'm sick of hearing people talking about Earth Hour. Why won't they just knock it off?

#290

Two's company, three's a crowd, four's is mass times acceleration.

#289

A: My latest culinary creation is based on a traditional Chinese dish, but it's a variation.

B: You're right. It does taste very Asian.

#288

How do socialists start a race?

On their Marx.

#287

A: I just keep wondering, why?

B: Because you have nothing better to do?

#286

Today, I was going to say something about winemaking, but I chose not to, because grape is never a joke.

#285

If you reflect upon the cigarette industry, you will see that it is all smoke and mirrors.

#284

The manufacturer of tennis equipment was charged with racketeering.

#283

I love stringed instruments from the Middle Ages. They sound absolutely beautiful.

#282

1912 parent: If you think of doing something naughty, remember that God can see you.

2012 parent: If you think of doing something naughty, remember that the Google Maps van could be passing.

#281

What do you call an infected cavity of pus on an inflamed six-pack?

An abs-cess.

#280

A: It's not enough to be able to do something. People want you to have a piece of paper saying that you can do it.

B: Are you sure? Perhaps you should qualify that statement.

#279

A: You stepped on my foot!

B: No, I allowed you to experience my heeling touch.

#278

A: Is she getting married?

B: Well, when I called her today, she was engaged.

#277

In many Chinese dialects, folklore and pork roll are pronounced the same.

#276

Memes are all the rage right now.

#275

The solitary moneylender was known for being a loaner.

#274

The photos that she had taken while on holiday in Barley were very grainy.

#273

You're not a seasoned performer until you have been as-salt-ed on stage.

#272

A: How do you know so much about wine?

B: Oh, you know, I hear things on the grapevine.

#271

A: Get up, you frothy hedge-born foot-licker!

B: Well, that was a rude awakening.

#270

A: Do these scissors meet your standards?

B: I'm afraid that they simply don't cut it.

#269

She knew that it would be risky to frolic, but eventually she decided that it was worth the gambol.

#268

Why would erectile dysfunction pose a grave threat to Chinese politics?

It would prevent them from having elections.

#267

I was going to make a pun about Pride and Prejudice, but I decided that it would be too Austentatious.

#266

All dem hos,
Impressed by my derring-do.

Rap never really took off in the eighteenth century.

#265

What kind of clinic treats equine illness?

A horsepital.

#264

My friend is trying to launch a collection of animated shorts. However, it appears that most people prefer garments that remain still on their legs.

#263

I can't believe that none of these buildings have wheelchair access. This is rampant disregard!

#262

Being a duke means more than simply owning property. Equally important is proper etiquette. One must learn to mind one's manors.

#261

What do you call an intersection which includes a shop that sells hot beverages?

A tea junction.

#260

Finding out that he suffered from erectile dysfunction was very hard for him.

#259

The thief escaped; that is to say, he stole away into the night.

#258

It takes six tubas to play twelve-bar blues.

#257

Teacher: Use the expression village green in a sentence.

Student: The one person in any small town who is always ill is called the village green.

#256

I met an utterly deranged man today. He has a cupboard in which he keeps the bones of people who never admitted to being gay. At least, I think that that's what he meant when he said that he had some skeletons in the closet.

#255

The Catholic Church has released a statement in which it expresses its strong opposition to queue-jumping, including testimonies from couples who decided to wait.

#254

This dish of fish looks very in-whiting.

#253

A: That building's about to fall to the ground!

B: I'm glad that you understand the gravity of the situation.

A: That's horribly insensitive! Do you know how many people are going to die when that skyscraper collapses?

B: That's towerible!

A: This is no laughing matter! I cannot stand your heartless mockery any longer.

B: Nor can the building stand any longer.

A: That is enough! You have gone too far. You are being charged with criminal tastelessness. As your punishment, you may choose either to take a corrective course, or to pay a fine.

B: My only options are coarse and fine? Don't you have anything in between? Medium grain, perhaps?

A: There is another option. It involves me shooting you.

B: Oh no! Don't jump the gun! I don't want to bite the bullet!

Pause. A gunshot.

B: What triggered this, A? I barrel-ly said anything.

#252

A: You confused the nominative with the accusative.

B: Well, in that case, I'll fix it.

#251

A: These conical tents are the typical dwelling of the Native Americans of the Great Plains.

B: One could say that they are their teepee-cal dwelling ... A? Where did you get that tomahawk, A?