#244

When protecting her musical instruments from the elements, she was very thorough. She always made sure that she covered all her basses.

#243

For hospital administrators, the most important area of mathematics is the order of operations.

#242

Which novel by Charles Dickens tells the story of a young man convicted of indecent assault?

David Cop-a-feel.

#241

Why do the police carry Tasers?

To charge people.

#240

Who is Krishna? Would he like to borrow my razor? I am referring, of course, to Hairy Krishna.

#239

I want to buy a long, narrow inlet between cliffs, but I can't affjord it.

#238

I want to buy a car, but I can't afFord it.

#237

Teacher: Use the word despise in a sentence.

Student: De Spise girls are my favourite band.

#236

Teacher: Use the word Tardis in a sentence.

Student: The tard is trying to eat his pencilcase.

#235

The angry birds launch furious attacks at self-satisfied pigs who lie around doing nothing all day. It's Gender Studies the video game!

#234

What do you call a domesticated wildebeest?

A tame-e-beast.

#233

Drinking alcohol can be whisky.

#232

The aspiring actor auditioned at the bakery every day, but never got a roll.

#231

I enjoy tidying my room by myself. I feel like the Lone Arranger.

#230

Call me a crotchety old fool, but I quaver with rage at even the most minimal of puns.

#229

Human cannons don't worry about their job security. They have no fear of being fired.

#228

He was a Brielliant swordsman, even with a cheese knife, and one quick thrust produced a Fetal wound. He rode away, leaving behind the Gruyèresome corpse of the one who had dared to challenge him. The tale of the Big Cheese would be told fromage to age.

These puns are getting too cheesy.

#227

While burning a Protestant minister, Catholics would often throw tomato sauce on him, as it goes well with pastor.

#226

A: What's the word for stealing money that you've been trusted with?

B: Embezzle, my nezzle.

#225

A: That was a brilliantly funny gag.

B: I'm surprised that you hadn't heard it before. It's an old choke.

#224

What do you call a man wearing a sequinned leotard and coughing?

Phlegmboyant.

#223

Are there optometrists at Apple stores? I think I have an iProblem.

#222

German anti-sexual harrassment slogan: Nein means nein, or vun more zan eight.

#221

Dentist: Say 'E'.

Fangirl: I don't, like, know how to.

Dentist: Here's a picture of Justin Bieber.

Fangirl: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

#220

When I was a child, my parents bought me a pennywhistle. It was the only kind of piercing I was allowed to have.

#219

Some people believe that the Apocalypse will happen this year.

Adele is currently at the top of the charts.

It isn't over until the fat lady sings.

#218

A: Have you considered this place for your holiday?

B: It's on my list, but only as a last resort.

#217

A: It's not every day that you hear someone say that they will abandon drugs.

B: Really? It's quite common to hear of a band on drugs.

#216

The leader of this community of monks is an android. The abbot is a bot.

#215

Cucumbers are very difficult to carry. They are so cumbersome.

#214

A: We've been in the Himalayas for a month now, and we still haven't seen an abominable snowman.

B: Not yeti.

#213

A: I hope they build that proposed bridge. It'll make my journey to work much shorter.

B: Things are always shorter when abridged.

#212

I maintained my protest against the use of washing machines for a long time, but eventually I had to throw in the towel.

#211

A: Do you think that Emily and Holly might enter the American film industry?

B: Emily wouldn't, but Holly wood.

#210

Waiter: What would you like to order?

Diner: Wonton.

Waiter: One tonne! Of what?

#209

A: Ah, Paris: the city of love!

B: I find that the capital of Italy is more Romeantic.

#208

A: Do you think that my poem would be improved by another verse?

B: No, that would definitely have an adverse effect.

#207

What do couples do on boats?

Canoedle.

#206

Next week our church group will stage a protest against the sinful practice of transmitting documents via telephone lines. We are currently painting banners which read GOD HATES FAX.

#205

Why would noone expose their rear end to Elphaba?

Because noone moons the wicked.

#204

A: Thank you for the chocolate, much appreciated.

B: Actually, now that you've eaten it, it's probably much depreciated.

#203

A: Why are we doing it this way? This is madness.

B: We're doing it this way because THIS. IS. SMARTER.

#202

In breaking news, a man has released an alternate version of I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar, entitled I Am Woman, I Shouldn't Speak. Naturally, this has caused an uproar. Most critics are speaking in a calm and civil manner; despite the furore, only a few roar.

#201

Catholics and Protestants are generally on good terms nowadays. Sometimes, representatives from various churches meet for a meal, to promote dialogue and unity. However, these meals are never barbeques, as this would reignite painful memories of burning at the steak.

#200

What kind of deodorant is used by aged intelligence agents?

Old Spies.

#199

When will the Leaning Tower of Pisa come out of the closet? Everyone can see which way it leans.

#198

On which medieval folk song did Lady Gaga base a single?

Marry The Knight

#197

When in Italy, I found that some signs are displayed in a number of languages. Here are a few examples, translated into English.

On a hotel door:
Italian: In case of fire, do not shout, "Fire."
English: In case of fire, do not shout, "Fire."
French: In case of fire, do not shout.

In a train:
Italian: Only pull lever in case of emergency.
English: Only pull lever in case of emergency.
French: Do not pull lever unless there is an emergency.

#196

Which bone disease affects stern people?

Austere-porosis.

#195

I wouldn't say that I'm prone to injury, but I do have a tendoncy to get hurt.