#220

When I was a child, my parents bought me a pennywhistle. It was the only kind of piercing I was allowed to have.

#219

Some people believe that the Apocalypse will happen this year.

Adele is currently at the top of the charts.

It isn't over until the fat lady sings.

#218

A: Have you considered this place for your holiday?

B: It's on my list, but only as a last resort.

#217

A: It's not every day that you hear someone say that they will abandon drugs.

B: Really? It's quite common to hear of a band on drugs.

#216

The leader of this community of monks is an android. The abbot is a bot.

#215

Cucumbers are very difficult to carry. They are so cumbersome.

#214

A: We've been in the Himalayas for a month now, and we still haven't seen an abominable snowman.

B: Not yeti.

#213

A: I hope they build that proposed bridge. It'll make my journey to work much shorter.

B: Things are always shorter when abridged.

#212

I maintained my protest against the use of washing machines for a long time, but eventually I had to throw in the towel.

#211

A: Do you think that Emily and Holly might enter the American film industry?

B: Emily wouldn't, but Holly wood.

#210

Waiter: What would you like to order?

Diner: Wonton.

Waiter: One tonne! Of what?

#209

A: Ah, Paris: the city of love!

B: I find that the capital of Italy is more Romeantic.

#208

A: Do you think that my poem would be improved by another verse?

B: No, that would definitely have an adverse effect.

#207

What do couples do on boats?

Canoedle.

#206

Next week our church group will stage a protest against the sinful practice of transmitting documents via telephone lines. We are currently painting banners which read GOD HATES FAX.

#205

Why would noone expose their rear end to Elphaba?

Because noone moons the wicked.

#204

A: Thank you for the chocolate, much appreciated.

B: Actually, now that you've eaten it, it's probably much depreciated.

#203

A: Why are we doing it this way? This is madness.

B: We're doing it this way because THIS. IS. SMARTER.

#202

In breaking news, a man has released an alternate version of I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar, entitled I Am Woman, I Shouldn't Speak. Naturally, this has caused an uproar. Most critics are speaking in a calm and civil manner; despite the furore, only a few roar.

#201

Catholics and Protestants are generally on good terms nowadays. Sometimes, representatives from various churches meet for a meal, to promote dialogue and unity. However, these meals are never barbeques, as this would reignite painful memories of burning at the steak.

#200

What kind of deodorant is used by aged intelligence agents?

Old Spies.

#199

When will the Leaning Tower of Pisa come out of the closet? Everyone can see which way it leans.

#198

On which medieval folk song did Lady Gaga base a single?

Marry The Knight

#197

When in Italy, I found that some signs are displayed in a number of languages. Here are a few examples, translated into English.

On a hotel door:
Italian: In case of fire, do not shout, "Fire."
English: In case of fire, do not shout, "Fire."
French: In case of fire, do not shout.

In a train:
Italian: Only pull lever in case of emergency.
English: Only pull lever in case of emergency.
French: Do not pull lever unless there is an emergency.

#196

Which bone disease affects stern people?

Austere-porosis.

#195

I wouldn't say that I'm prone to injury, but I do have a tendoncy to get hurt.

#194

Which Roman emperor suffered from epilepsy?

Seizure Caesar.

#193

One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them...

Yes, this is clearly the ringleader.

#192

Ah, the laundry: the only place where it is still acceptable to discriminate between coloureds and whites.

#191

It's awkward when my friends form love triangles. I always feel like the fourth wheel.

#190

What did King Henry VI say after Joan of Arc was executed?

I got 99 problems but a witch ain't one.

#189

Tomorrow I will leave my hometown of Melbourne (in Victoria, in Australia) to spend three weeks in Prato (in Tuscany, in Italy). Oh Italy, Eu-roped me into this.

#188

What did the guitar say to the amplifier?

Follow my lead.

#187

If someone is cyan a lot, then they're probably feeling blue.

#186

What can be seen both at boxing matches and in the adult version of Sesame Street?

Going down for the Count.

#185

Jesus is the Redeemer of all. However, he has not been known to redeem fast food vouchers.

#184

It is a sad truth that those with bound feet cannot bound.

#183

I'm too nervous to break up with my epileptic girlfriend. I just know that she's going to have a fit.

#182

I love having a blind boyfriend. He doesn't even look at other women.

#181

I was going to make a joke about premature ejaculation, but it was too soon.

#180

I tried to stop shooting up drugs, but my efforts were in vein.

#179

Wi fi fo fum,
I'm leeching off the connection of an Englishman!

#178

What do you call it when the leader of the Vatican gets angry?

Apopelexy.

#177

I'm a fish atheist. I don't believe in the existence of cod.

#176

A: Everyone's talking about this new show about an urban police station! Do you want to watch it?

B: I don't think so. Cob dramas are too corny for my taste.

#175

A: Did you have fun at the Owl Watching Society's camp?

B: Yes, it was a hoot.

#174

A: What's wrong with me? Why can I never pick up?

B: You don't reach the telephone in time?

#173

A: I am shocked! I am flabbergasted! I have never been so surprised in my life! I have a good mind to write them a letter!

B: How are you going to convey all of that in one letter? Will it be the letter 'O'?

#172

A: Are you a horse?

B: Nay.

#171

Have you seen our futuristic toilet collection? We call it "Pees in a Pod".