#169

A: They say that an army walks on its stomach.

B: I guess that's why it's called the mealitary.

#168

My favourite fruit burger is the Apple Mac.

#167

Which American heavy metal band was named in honour of a deformed nun?

Twisted Sister.

#166

What pastime is popular among both butchers and gay men?

Mincing.

#165

How do drug addicts greet each other?

High there.

#164

Do psychics hold the reverse of "too soon" for jokes about a tragic event? I mean, in the time leading up to a disaster, do they eschew jokes about it, rebuking those who do crack jokes about it on the basis that the event is "too soon"?

#163

I don't like square roots. They are both irrational and absurd.

#162

Anti-sexual harrassment slogan: No means no.
Counter-anti-sexual harrassment slogan: By no means does no mean no.

#161

A: The doctor has ordered you to take a suppository.

B: Tell him to shove it up his - oh, that's ironic.

#160

After forty years in the profession, the jeweller had become quite jaded.

#159

Why couldn't the frog maintain a relationship?

It was afraid of Kermitment.

#158

Suicide hotlines would be much more effective if "seize the day" didn't sound so much like "cease the day".

#157

Making puns about somewhat but not very famous composers is a very Satie-sfying experience.

#156

Before becoming a successful conqueror, Julius Caesar was a somewhat spineless diplomat. He used to visit countries, only to agree with them. His original catchphrase was: "I came, I saw, I concurred."

#155

A: Did you kill him?

B: I'm not sure that I succeeded, but I had a stab at it.

#154

It was a bad break-up; his last, in fact. He would spend the rest of his life finding Freudian metaphors in children's television.

#153

A: Oh no! No! No, this can't be happening!

B: What's wrong?

A: My whole family! They're dead!

B: How?

A: The pilot of their aeroplane made a small mistake, and now they're all gone. GONE!

B: Aeroplane? More like error-plane.

#152

I have developed a simple code, which merely involves appending the letter 't' to the start of every word. For example, rick roll would become trick troll.

#151

I'm constipated and I don't give a shit.

#150

In shark cinema, what is conventionally displayed on the screen to show that the film has ended?

Fin.

#149

A: So, shall we finalise our agreement?

B: Yes. Let's allow this marine mammal to do it for us.

A: What? How?

B: We need to seal the deal.

A: Forget it. The deal's off.

B: Oh no, you spotted it! I'm sorry, but I could only find a walrus in time. If I find a seal, will... A? Why are you leaving, A?

#148

A: I'm not sure whether this spade is any good. What do you think?

B: This spade? I totally dig it.

#147

When the cat's away, the electrons will act like waves and form interference patterns.

#146

If you're a yuppie and you know it, clap your state-of-the-art solar powered synthetic clapping pads.

#145

This laying hen stands out from the rest. It definitely has the eggs factor.

#144

Oh, he has a speech impediment? And all along I just thought that he was a really good rapper.

#143

A: So you say that you are filled with fresh vigour and eagerness, and that you have discovered a small country near Australia?

B: Yes indeed! I have found new zeal and New Zealand.

#142

Jugglers commence their act by vomiting. In order to juggle, they must throw it up first.

#141

Which coastal bird used his martial arts skills to gain a Hollywood career?

Steven Seagull.

#140

The butcher loved to meat new people. He would then add them on Facebook and pork them.

#139

"Eggs! Why?" said a bee.

XYZAB

#138

A: You must dress formally.

B: Who's Mally? And why am I dressing for this person?

#137

Fish can't climb trees, but they can scale buildings.

#136

We have nothing to eat but food itself.

#135

In the Wizard of Oz, the Tin Man always adopted a Can-Do attitude.

#134

A: There's a dead bug on my desk.

B: That sounds pretty fly.

#133

What is the technical term for using a map and compass to navigate terrain in Asia?

Orient-eering.

#132

A: So you hate Asians and Taylor Swift?

B: Yeah, I guess I just don't like people with narrow eyes.

#131

A: You know that woman who makes bridal outfits? She keeps saying things that indirectly sound as if she wants to cause me some harm.

B: So she who threads veils also veils threats.

#130

I can't believe that you left it switched off. That is simply not on.

#129

You tortured him with the inner thread of a candle? That's horribly wicked!

#128

I am carefully avoiding any discussion regarding the telescope. If someone tries to talk to me about it, I will reply, "No comet."

#127

I enrolled in cooking classes and film classes, but neither panned out as I'd expected.

#126

I expect everyone to line up patiently for the seafood buffet. There's no need to clamour.

#125

What syndrome causes humans to sprout the soft feathers which are usually found on young birds?

Down Syndrome.

#124

Anger, pure, unadulterated anger

Coursed through its veins,
Raging within, as it scurried
Over the dog's back,
Searching for a hairless patch that would
Soon be the entry point

Through which it would
Insert its hypostome, and
Consume until it
Keeled over, filled with blood and fury.

#123

A: Did you click on it?

B: No, but I gave it a cursory glance.

#122

Some ancient legends entertain me, but not all. They're a bit hit and myth.

#121

Despite its name, cosplay rarely has anything to do with lettuce.

#120

What is the battle anthem of the Chinese navy?

Yellow Submarine.