#79

I don't think that I would be capable of becoming an astronaut. I just couldn't find space for it in my life.

#78

There are two main types of HIV: A-HIV and B-HIV. Honey can be found inside a B-HIV.

#77

Given its name, AIDS is surprisingly unhelpful.

#76

The greatest challenge faced by gay comedians is keeping a straight face.

#75

Necrophilia: so cold and so hot at the same time.

#74

The progress of furniture is amazing. We've come sofa.

#73

Why are bad play rehearsals like messy pool rooms?

Everyone keeps missing their cues.

#72

I work in a vegetable shop. I have an annual celery.

#71

Death by drowning: water way to go.

#70

What Descartes actually said:

I float, zerefore I am. I sink, zerefore I vill not be for much longer.

#69

The fact that you're grabbing onto that German shows that you're losing this argument. You're just clutching at Strauss.

#68

In order to play in the key of B flat, a musician must have A sharp mind.

#67

I had forgotten that you go running - the sight of you jogged my memory.

#66

De fence is de simplest physical defence.

#65

A: You don't need bread.

B: Sure you don't. You knead dough. Then you get bread.

#64

I find it horribly racist that some shops do not accept Czechs.

#63

I tried to accustom myself to drinking hard liquor, but I struggled to enter into the spirit of things.

#62

Would anyone like more cake? Speak now, or forever hold your piece.

#61

A: Your grammar is appalling.

B: No, my gramma is wonderful. She knits.

#60

Look at that poor plumber. His career is in the toilet and he can't sink any lower.

#59

Erectile dysfunction: when the only cock-up is the absence thereof.

#58

A: I start work as a neurologist this Monday!

B: You must be really psyched.

#57

"Especially given that this is a unisex college, you are reminded of the need for appropriate behaviour in the sleeping quarters. Anyone who needs to blow their nose will use a tissue - there will be no hanky panky in the dormitories."

#56

As university students nervously approach their final exams, there is a degree of uncertainty.

#55

What did the current utter menacingly as it passed through the conductor?

"Resistance is futile."

#54

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art seriously hot.

#53

Never argue with a herbalist. They always have the fennel word.

#52

What kind of dog is most useful when making a presentation?

A pointer.

#51

You're giving me a blunt pencil? I'm afraid I fail to see the point.

#50

I have a friend called Eden. Her house is pretty cool, but there's an angel with a sword of flame who won't let anyone into the garden.

#49

If the truth hurts, you should have it checked by a dentist.

#48

Are you saying that drinking some potion will resolve all my problems? Pardon me, but I find that a bit hard to swallow.

#47

Comfort food: I don't drown my sorrows; I smother them.

#46

Vacuum cleaners suck.

#45

A: You're a plumber who can dance? That's amazing!

B: Yeah, I've done a bit of tap.

#44

What do you call a rapper who can predict the future?

Seeing Eye Dog.

#43

What do Windows and Macintosh have in common?

They both keep out the rain.

#42

I visited my doctor to ask him why I hear a quacking sound every time I lower my head. He explained that that is the sound a duck makes.

#41

Why are big instructions expressed in powers of ten?

Because they are orders of magnitude.

#40

I wonder whether Humphrey B Bear is related to Justin B Ber?

#39

We don't like to say "putting makeup on a pop star". We prefer to call it "ad-Justin Bieber".

#38

When on kitchen duty, the hunchback of Notre Dame treated potatoes like bells: they were there to be pealed.

#37

I've seen many bakery thieves in my time, but I have to say that this one takes the cake.

#36

"That's disgusting! Gah!"

She stormed out of the room.

"Gah."

She scratched her head.

"Gah. Gah."

She inclined her head thoughtfully.

"GA-GA RUM-UM-AH-AH!"

And thus a star was born...

#35

'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have eaten the last slice of cheesecake.

#34

A: Oh no! I'm lactose intolerant!

B: You must be really cheesed off.

I am sorry to say that I actually did this to a friend.

#33

A: I'm thinking about writing a book.

B: What a novel idea!

#32

Who first used coloured liquids to record text on paper?
The Inkas.

Who repaired their printers?
The Aztechs.

#31

The pressure was on in the casino's restaurant. The steaks were high and the chips were down.

The man rifling through the garbage bins at the back and the confident card player inside had one thing in common: they both had one hand in the bag.

Meanwhile, a job interview was taking place in the back room.
Q: What will you do when the chips are down?
A: Apply the five second rule.

#30

Making jokes about redheads is very risky, so I have phrased this gingerly.