#2159

A: Why will there be no post tomorrow?

B: I don't know, A. Why will there be no post tomorrow?

A: Because, after six years, four Bloggie nominations, and 2159 posts, the writer is concluding this blog.

B: You know, you're meant to answer questions with a pun here. Not just bragging.

A: I'm sorry!

B: We talked about this. We agreed you could do the last one. I gave you the set-up and everything.

A: I've never been much good at them.

B: Yeah, you're no pun.

A: There it is!

B: You liked a pun of mine?

A: The thing is, B - we're talking about how close to we are to the end. But I've realised, over these last six years, how close we are to a friend.

B: Aw. That's wholesome. Seems like the writer is in a better place than he was when he started this.

A: Hoo boy, he would not have been able to believe in such a pure and happy statement in those days.

B: I mean, how messed up do you have to be to start a pun blog?

[They both chuckle.]

A: We should thank the readers too.

B: Yes! Thank you for giving us a space to exist, and for helping the writer to learn that he could make things that other people would like and want.

A: What happens next, B?

B: We'll still have our chats - they might not always be recorded in the blog, but we'll exist where we always do.

A: And the writer?

B: I'm sure he'll keep playing with words, even if his thoughts don't appear here every day. He's ending Penguin on Porpoise, but he'll never stop punning on purpose.

[A and B walk off together into the sunset, and if they listen very carefully to the unusual disturbance in the lapping of the ocean to their side, they will hear a small, fat bird squawking with joy as it rides a large, smiling creature, up and down the length of the waves.]

#2158

"Why aren't we chasing after that board game? We know that he wrote his plans on the general knowledge questions."

Sherlock sighed.

"Elementary, my dear Watson. Our main clue is the letter with the directions to his hideout. That will lead us straight to our suspect, while tracing the path of the missing board game will merely add a summary offence to his list of charges."

"So it's not worth following that first?"

"No, Watson. That would be a trivial pursuit."

#2157

What do you call the linguistic philosophy of insulting the work of playwrights?

Diss-script-ivism.

#2156

What did the cannibals call the cooked buttocks of the president?

Trump steak.

#2155

What attracts metal and owns a lot of mines?

A mining magnet.

#2154

A: I have never been so insulted in my life!

B: What happened?

A: They said that I was too stupid to organise a double date.

B: Well, you've never been much good at putting two and two together.

#2153

What did the customer who preferred very mild coffee say to the bartender who would only be working there for seven more days?

"One weak, to go."

#2152

"My keen powers of observation are what allow me to court other owls," explained the owl, "you have to wit to woo."

#2151

Which formula one driver was known for autographing footwear?

Michael Shoe-marker.

#2150

Teacher: Use the word debasement in a sentence.

Student: Under de house, you will find de basement.

#2149

A: I've been enjoying remixes of my favourite songs without the lower instruments.

B: What a horrible act of de-bass-ment!

#2148

What do you call a bad actor playing a cyber criminal?

A hack.

#2147

Did you hear about the two whingers who fell in love?

It was lament to be.

#2146

When underwear is extremely cheap, the receipt is negligée-bill.

#2145

When asked to comment on their view of Darth Maul, the Jedi decided to let Qui-Gons be Qui-gons.

#2144

How do rowing teams maintain a steady speed?

They use crews' control.

#2143

A: Did you see the news?

B: The plane crash?

A: Yes! It was horrifying. I could never be a flight attendant.

B: The good news is that there weren't any flight attendants on board by the end.

A: What do you mean?

B: As soon as a plane begins to dive, they officially become plight attendants.

#2142

As it reached the large intestine, the worm shivered with a wave of realisation; this was the beginning of the end.

#2141

"Help," cried the cook as the flames engulfed him, "I'm in my element!"

#2140

What do you call someone who owns a lot of buildings where wheat is ground to make flour?

A mill-ionaire.

#2139

What kind of salamander chops down the most trees?

An ax-o-lot-l.

#2138

What do you call the sound that your stomach makes when it is hungry for liquor?

Rum-bling.

#2137

What do you call the coordinator of a telephone switchboard who reviews classical singing performances?

The opera-rater.

#2136

Why do people with coeliac disorder never do squats?

They're allergic to glutes.

#2135

What cheese is the least favourite of prisoners?

Fetter cheese.

#2134

What do you call a scorned woman who ruins jokes?

A funny foiler.

#2133

What do you call a rural gigolo?

A plowman.

#2132

Nicole fiercely guarded all the objects that she had torn from the grasp of others; they were her prised possessions.

#2131

Which fictional bear is the softest fictional bear?

Paddington.

#2130

The career of an ornithologist is terribly birdensome.

#2129

What do you call disgusting purchases from a supermarket?

Gross-eries.

#2128

What do fruit vendors use to provide evidence for their opinions?

Facts and fig-ures.

#2127

What do you call a nasty priest?

A meanie-ster.

#2126

What do you call the study of irate farmers?

Angry-culture.

#2125

What do you call an homage to a shoe?

A tri-boot.

#2124

A: Why wasn't there a post yesterday?

B: The writer was too angry about the lack of electricity to write anything.

A: What do you mean?

B: There was a power outrage.

A: And also he couldn't post to this blog if there was no power?

B: No, that joke's been cut.

#2123

What kind of fabric is named after the creases left in it by buttocks?

Sat-in.

#2122

What is the appropriate way to phrase a request for the withdrawal of a record from a playlist?

"Scratch that."

#2121

What do you call the students of a church furniture designer?

Pew-pils.

#2120

Tahlia the rugby referee hated high-scoring games; they were always a trying time.

#2119

What is a bird's favourite scientific instrument?

A beaker.

#2118

What do you call it when archaeologists hold a party where they gather leg bones?

A shindig.

#2117

What is the favourite team building exercise of bakers?

Crust falls.

#2116

A: Out of all the ancient cultures, the Egyptians had the coolest cats.

B: No, the coolest cats were in the Jazztecs.

#2115

What did the miner say about the other miner who had found a vein of ore?

"Get a lode of this guy!"

Guest Post #7 - Ben Volchok

"Boo" - ghost heckler

---

Ben Volchok is on Twitter.
His show Ben's Illustrious Fact Show and the Case of the Stolen Fact Book is on this week at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

Guest Post #6 - Ben Volchok

If they printed the weather on coins it would be climate change.

---

Ben Volchok is on Twitter.
His show Ben's Illustrious Fact Show and the Case of the Stolen Fact Book is on this week at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

Guest Post #5 - Ben Volchok

I really appreciate you getting me this Mexican walking fish. Thanksalotl.

---

Ben Volchok is on Twitter.
His show Ben's Illustrious Fact Show and the Case of the Stolen Fact Book is on this week at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

Guest Post #4 - Ben Volchok

Talk
Chalk
Hawk
Cork
Dork
Pork
Stork
Fork
Balk
Orc
Squawk
Torque
New York
Peter Falk
Mickey Rourke

(I have committed walk rhymes)

---

Ben Volchok is on Twitter.
His show Ben's Illustrious Fact Show and the Case of the Stolen Fact Book is on this week at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

Guest Post #3 - Ben Volchok

"Words cannot express how much I love you" - Wittgenstein breaking up with someone

---

Ben Volchok is on Twitter.
His show Ben's Illustrious Fact Show and the Case of the Stolen Fact Book is on this week at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

Guest Post #2 - Ben Volchok

If life gets you down, make a pillow.

---

Ben Volchok is on Twitter.
His show Ben's Illustrious Fact Show and the Case of the Stolen Fact Book is on this week at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

Guest Post #1 - Ben Volchok

waiter: "what'll it be?"
me: "two cacciatore"
waiter: "you have to think like a tory"
me: "ugh i hate waiters"
waiter: "that's a start"

---

Ben Volchok is on Twitter.
His show Ben's Illustrious Fact Show and the Case of the Stolen Fact Book is on this week at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

#2114

How can you develop a tan by eating fruit?

By getting some melon-in.

#2113

Zoey the watchmaker knew that her children loved her, quartz and all.

#2112

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was busy following the Jewish tradition of catching criminals on the Sabbath.

A: That's not a real-

B: The seventh day is a day of arrest.

#2111

What kind of cat is the most useful on a sheep farm?

A Che-shear cat.

#2110

What do you call the colour effect achieved by dropping a photograph in the ocean?

Sea-pia.

#2109

What do you call a quickly performed piece of hip hop?

Rap-id.

#2108

What do you call someone who has only ever seen slugs being surprised by a snail?

Shell shocked.

#2106

A: Why wasn't there a post today?

B: The writer of the blog was off hunting?

A: It's not the season for-

B: It's a no-pun season!

#2105

What do you call patients who know that they will recover?

Se-cure.

#2104

What do you call corruption at the Olympics?

Medalling.

#2103

What do you call the act of riding a bicycle in order to put other people off their exercise?

Psych-ling.

#2102

What do you call the process of angrily searching for food?

Fo-rage-ing.

#2101

What do you call poorly clothed bakery apprentices?

Ragamuffins.

#2100

What was the first sport designed for online play?

Netball.

#2099

What muscle do weightlifters develop when they truly believe?

The try-cep.

#2098

After being shamed for his embarrassing stubble, Luke would do anything to shave face.

#2097

The circus lion was exhausted of his daily routine - every day, he had to jump through hoops to achieve anything.

#2096

What kind of Mexican food can keep you warm in the winter?

Fa-heaters.

#2095

What do you call the practice of making unsolicited visits to young male horses in order to sell them things?

Colt calling.

#2094

A: Why are all these pictures of snakes blanked out on this computer?

B: I installed an adder blocker.

#2093

What do you call the process of rounding up fish using enclosures made of marine polyps?

Coraling.

#2092

Sudi could never look at her children, born on the same day, without a twinge of regret.

#2091

What do you call an animated show about fish?

A carp-toon.

#2090

What do you call two gynecologists working together?

Col-labia-ration.

#2089

A: Was your trip to the convent fun?

B: Yes, I had a veil of a time.

#2088

What do you call a compilation of footage of impressive catches that a fisherman can use to apply for work?

A showreel.

#2087

What did the bishop say when he saw the cost of constructing a new cathedral roof?

"That's a bit steeple."

#2086

The other patients at the hospital complained that the amputees received sever-ential treatment.

#2085

What fruits always owes their first loyalty to their families?

Clanberries.

#2084

What do you call a tale about a woodwind player rebounding from failure?

A reed-emption story.

#2083

What do you call the act of copying a long-necked Australian bird?

Emu-lating.

#2082

What kind of pen only writes in one language?

An Ara-BIC.

#2081

What do you call it when one dog asks another dog to get married?

A pro-paws-al.

#2080

What do you call the section of the underworld in which sugar-free dieters are forced to consume sweets?

Caram-hell.

#2079

What kind of baked good tends to fall off cliffs?

Lemming-tons.

#2078

What is a computer programmer's favourite herb?

Parse-ley.

#2077

What product is the most difficult for greengrocers to transport?

Cucumbersome.

#2076

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was feeling lack-a-day-sical.

#2075

What is the best thing about people who don't own books?

They are often shelfless.

#2074

Early supporters of emails viewed the defendants of alternate methods of digital transmission as a dying faxtion.

#2073

Why did the jail warden have perfect skin?

He was an expert at preventing breakouts.

#2072

What kind of poison can be made with printer ink?

Cyanide.

#2071

What do you call an Asian wildcat?

A thai-ger.

#2070

What do you call a mattress upon which you can lie more than once?

Re-lie-able.

#2069

Why did the manicurist go to the gym?

---

A: Hold on, aren't we going to talk about the fact that the last two days were both posts for the previous? What happened?

B: The writer was trying to increase his muscle mass.

A: How does a three day backlog on the schedule serve-

B: He wanted to get buffer.

#2068

A: Why was there no post yesterday as well?

B: There was a post yesterday.

A: Yes, but it was just about why there wasn't a post the day before.

B: Because yesterday, the writer decided to create purely theatre.

A: How can you possibly explain-?

B: All of these subsequent explanation dialogues were just post-scripts.

#2067

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was changing from a preferential voting system.

A: That makes no-

B: Yesterday was the first past the post.

#2066

How do forest-guarding creatures achieve their potential?

With elf-help books.

#2065

"I feel so peaceful, coach."

"A bit sleepy, though, coach."

Sixtus gazed glumly from his star quarterback to the rest of his team, who were staggering into each other and giggling. He sighed.

"I said, get into the end zone. Not the Endone, the end zone."

#2064

What do you call someone who makes sly plans involving decorative arts?

Crafty.

#2063

Darren regretted having his bathroom designed by toddlers; the resulting design was very infant-tile.

#2062

What fruit is favoured by supporters of circular logic in categorical imperative philosophy?

Kant-e-loop.

#2061

What do you call an ill-humoured lever operator?

Cranky.

#2060

The lingerie model tried desperately to stop playing video games, but she had an ass that wouldn't quit.

#2059

What do you call people who must return to an Asian island after finding Jesus?

Borneo-again Christians.

#2058

What magical object could only be used to measure the body fat percentage of the true king?

Ex-caliper.

#2057

What do you call the study of the financial impact of sustainable eating?

Eco-nom-ics.

#2056

Martina the leatherworker was deeply concerned that the beauty industry would put her out of business; she had fundamentally misunderstood the operational procedures of a tanning salon.

#2055

What do you call the chrysalis in which calves are wrapped to mature into adults?

A cow-coon.

#2054

What process do new birds undergo when joining a pond?

In-duck-tion.

#2053

What do ibises celebrate on the 26th of January?

Bin-vasion Day.

#2052

What do you call an inclination towards particular purchases?

A buy-as.

#2051

What devices are used for the public humiliation of cows?

Beef stocks.

#2050

Sandy was deeply dedicated to cosplaying as a classical musician; every day, she practised her LARPeggios.

#2049

Marco was very methodical when organising Christmas presents for his female siblings; he was very sister-matic.

#2048

Where do owls go to objectify women?

Hooters.

#2047

What did the crows do when they wanted to go into business?

They formed a caw-poration.

#2046

What do you call competing grain farmers?

Rye-vals.

#2045

What did the dogs do in the dog government?

They developed paw-licy.

#2044

What do you call inventiveness in taverns?

Inn-ovation.

#2043

What heuristic self-awareness exercise must be completed in a great rush?

The Jo-hurry window.

#2042

What underwater creature is known for the tight security systems around its babies?

The Lock Nest Monster.

#2041

At first, the scientists thought it impossible that the main pollinating insect could go extinct; they found it un-bee-leave-able.

#2040

What do you call a section of a book about a British everyman?

A chap-ter.

#2039

What do you call it when someone's spine is damaged by their education?

School-iosis.

#2038

What do you call someone who runs a clowning workshop?

A fa-silly-tator.

#2037

What area of eastern Europe is noted for its variants of baseball using tin cylinders?

The Ball-can Peninsula.

#2036

What do you call the process of lulling patients to sleep prior to surgery by having them watch the dance of a stripper?

Anas-tease-ia.

#2035

Long after being liberated from the sweatshop, Yaxi wore the little metal cap on his index finger each morning, as a thimble of his oppression.

#2034

How did the homosexual feel after being in the closet for years?

Frus-straight-ed.

#2033

Why did Brenton refuse to accept an Australian car from his employer?

He wanted to be be-Holden to no one.

#2032

Claudie the sniffer dog was highly valued by the drug squad; she was at the scentre of their operations.

#2031

What do you call a marketing specialist who sells water-based protection for castles?

A pro-moat-er.

#2030

How did the supervisor in the pork products kitchen tells his employees to work faster?

"Come on, get crackling!"

#2029

What do you call an architect who dreams of constructing cathedrals?

A-spire-ing.

#2028

What do you call the budget manager of a country with a worthless currency?

The trash-urer.