#2027

Why did the grammar school's corporal punishment policy only permit spanking the right buttocks of students?

They had a No Child's Left Behind policy.

#2026

What do you call a channel that carries foul-tasting water?

An acriduct.

#2025

Schaffy was sick of always being given the part of the stenographer; he felt that he had been type-cast.

#2024

Why did the sailor complain in semaphore?

To flag an issue with the ship.

#2023

Where do American children learn about the periodic table?

At elementary school.

#2022

Samantha the fashion designer had come under heavy criticism for her pattern inspired by diseased human skin, but she maintained that leper print would be the leading trend of the coming decade.

#2021

As St Peter's Square filled up for the Christmas day service, the growing crowd rapidly approached critical Mass.

#2020

In the shipping industry, what vessels are used to handle the flow during a heavy period?

Ocean liners.

#2019

What do you call a collection of rodents hidden in a man's facial hair?

A mouse-stash.

#2018

What do you call the use of an inappropriate stage object in place of a similar-looking one?

A mala-prop.

#2017

How do psychics get rich?

By trading futures.

#2016

Indah hadn't enjoyed her previous birthdays, but looking at all the gifts that she had received this year, she decided that she enjoyed the present day.

#2015

What is a duck's favourite kind of cured meat?

Bill tong.

#2014

What do you call a fight between rodents?

A squarrel.

#2013

How did the ship's captain feel when his incompetent crew tied him into their knots?

Ropable.

#2012

After being shunned for his new perfume, Hamish felt very cologne-ly.

#2011

Hugo's new colleagues didn't seem to laugh at jokes about the people who had recommended him for this job; he was dismayed that they never understood his references.

#2010

What piece of furniture can be used as a dressing gown in hospital?

A ward-robe.

#2009

What do you call the feeling of being refreshed and renewed from listening to the work of a Barbadian pop singer?

Rihanna-gised.

#2008

Why did the recovering addict do the hokey pokey?

To turn himself around.

#2007

What do you call the feeling of envying someone else's hair products?

Gel-ousy.

#2006

What do you call a formal dance featuring only Pachelbel's most famous piece?

A canon ball.

#2005

What do you call a head of a school who is friends with a young male member of the royal family?

A prince-i-pal.

#2004

For the head monk, problems with the temple were his biggest headache.

#2003

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer went to a session where he could have dessert again and again for 24 hours.

A: I don't even understand what you-

B: It was an all-day re-treat.

#2002

Dolly was weary of the noisy people on her train; she wished that they would be com-muter.

#2001

Why did the Apostles always fight over music choices for road trips?

They were all off one aux cord.

#2000

"So he was here just this morning?"

Sherlock's mind was racing. It all added up - the footprints, the open vault, the note in the atlas - they all led to this antique shop. As he glanced at an ornate brass-rimmed mirror that caught his reflection in the dusty sunbeams, he felt that he knew what was coming next. If the thief had tried to dispose of that chess set here, it was all over.

"Yes sir, I'm just in 'ere minding me own business, polishing this oak chair what I got in 'ere yesterday, when this chap runs in, in a great big rush 'e was too, and wants to give me this old chess set, says it's from the sixteenth century. Now a deal's a deal, I says, so I asked 'im if I could inspect it, and ..."

The man kept talking, but Sherlock's attention trailed off. A glimmer of a satisfied smile teased his lips. The suspect had truly given the game away.

#1999

What did the insect attacks coordinator say when the wasp attack failed?

"Time for Plan Bee."

#1998

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer wanted his blog to be closer to God.

A: And he thought he could achieve this by leaving a gap in the posting schedule?

B: Yes, he thought it would make it more holey.

#1997

What is the favourite holiday of backstage theatre technicians?

A crews.

#1996

What do fly halves drink before a game?

A kicking tea.

#1995

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer resisted an attack by a taxidermist.

A: Okay, that has nothing to do with the missing post. This time you're really not making any-

B: He couldn't be stuffed!

#1994

Employer: So you want to be a comic book character?

Auditionee: Yes I do!

Employer: Well then, you're going to have to strip!

Audtionee: Oh no. My dreams and my dignity.

#1993

Judy always assumed that whatever people said to her was related to the shoreline; she had a tendency to take things littorally.

#1992

Celeste's audience was stunned by the precision of her pencil; truly, her sharpening skills were on point.

#1991

What do you call a warning placed on fish eggs?

A caviart.

#1990

Lorenzo's excessive sweat kept him humble; he was known for his humidity.

#1989

What do you call a specially granted right to access a bathroom?

A privy-lege.

#1988

What do you call an unenjoyable food tasting experience?

A disgustation.

#1987

What do you call street art that depicts mathematical functions?

Graph-iti.

#1986

What do you call a group of American soldiers shipwrecked on an island?

US maroons.

#1985

The tailor never held a grudge; he always felt that it was better to build a britch and get over it.

#1984

People from countries with fiery cuisine often fall sick when travelling abroad, due to the sudden lack of spice in their diet. This is known as blandular fever.

#1983

What do you call the feeling when insects build you up but then are disappointing?

An ant-iclimax.

#1982

The new and improved mop wiped the floor with its competitors.

#1981

Why do churches have candles?

For the lit-urgy.

#1980

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was being initiated into a group of women who live together and embroider unusual patterns.

A: What are you-

B: He joined a sew-rarity.

#1979

What do you call someone who makes people bankrupt for a living?

A broker.

#1978

What do you call it when you remove the part of someone's brain that recognises plants?

A lobotany.

#1977

What kind of turtle is the most easily frightened?

A terror-pin.

#1976

What do you call the process of carving words into a tombstone?

Engraving.

#1975

What do you call a writer who seeks to impose power?

Author-itarian.

#1974

What do you call a band that hits its grooves?

Funk-tional.

#1973

After the Japanese attacks, concerns of sensitivity forced the US government to cancel its plan to rename Pearl Harbour as Bombay.

#1972

Which politicians primarily focus on policies surrounding jam?

Members of the Conserve-ative party.

#1971

What did the altar server say to the priest after diluting the communion wine?

"Forgive me father, for I have thinned."

#1970

"So yes, I can organise a private locomotive, just for you, whenever you need it."

Ellan sighed. She was beginning to realise that the readers of her local paper, while apparently well-connected in the public transport industry, had seriously misunderstood what she meant by "seeking a personal trainer".

#1969

What do you call people who have degrees from a mail delivery service?

Post graduates.

#1968

The workers at the unlicensed waxing clinic lived in constant fear of the fuzz.

#1967

The presidential candidate, criticised for her sternness, attempted to soften her gaze using a tender-eyes-er.

#1966

What do you call a practical joke involving a baby stroller?

A pramk.

#1965

Why don't dogs vote?

They're not interested in paw-litics.

#1964

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was being initiated into a group of men who live together and play guitar.

A: What are you-

B: He joined a freternity.

#1963

Why does Gwen Stefani refuse to reciprocate subscriptions on social media?

She ain't no follow-back girl.

#1962

What chicken dish is permitted by law to be used as currency?

Legal tenders.

#1961

What do you call people who used to know a lot about how to be lively?

Ex-perts.

#1960

What do you call a device concealed among the gears of a machine?

In-cog-nito.

#1959

What do you call a set meal offered by a roving vendor?

À la cart.

#1958

During what phase of the lunar cycle do apes attempt to remove their hair?

The waxing gibbons.

#1957

The chefs wanted to be known for making the best broths - all their lives, they battled for soup-remacy.

#1956

What kind of water sport is most suitable for mourning a death?

Wake-boarding.

#1955

What do you call it when it takes a long time to acquire relishes and liquid condiments at a barbecue?

A sauce-age.

#1954

What's the hardest thing for a shy turtle to do?

Coming out of its shell.

#1953

Why was Jesus's room so untidy?

He was the Mess-iah.

#1952

At the sight of the sweets, the dog couldn't stop its tongue from lollying out of its mouth.

#1951

After only receiving a loose shirt for all her hard work, Heather felt that she'd been given a blousy deal.

#1950

After venturing onto the rough water, Melanie was stunned by the rapidity of the current.

#1949

What is the shortest amount of time that a person can spend inside a tavern?

An inn-stant.

#1948

What do you call a model who is tired of turning around for cameras?

Twirled-weary.

#1947

Zeus had never intended the devastating forest fires; he thought that he was just lightning the mood.

#1946

What did the cyclist say when his road bike struggled to support him on a bumpy mountain track?

"The suspension is killing me."

#1945

In which battle did the Allies and the Axis compete to find the most obese solider?

The Battle of the Bulge.

#1944

The Allied arrival in Italy made the German troops very Anzio-us.

#1943

Why was Montgomery's Eighth Army sent to Tripoli?

He couldn't find the other 87.5% of the British troops.

#1942

What kind of German submarine was powered by sheep?

The ewe-boat.

#1941

Which US seaport known for its knitters was the first to be attacked by Japan?

Purl Harbour.

#1940

As the Germans arrived, the young Parisian who had prided himself on remaining unemployed faced his greatest fear: occupation.

#1939

What agreement was designed to bind Germany and Italy to assist each other in artwork theft throughout the war?

The Pact of Steal.

#1938

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer had to play cricket and faced every ball.

A: So?

B: He was on strike all day.

#1937

What do you call an early prototype of a beer recipe?

A first draught.

#1936

What do you call a graph of the most impressive seizures observed in an epilepsy ward?

A line of best fit.

#1935

What animals, when placed in circles, can help humans to navigate?

Bear-rings.

#1934

Nathan was a little hurt by the criticism of his helmet strap design, but he took it on the chin.

#1933

What do you a feeling of shock experienced when one's cookware has been stolen?

Pan-nick.

#1932

What do you call a mannequin of a fully grown dog?

A dogget.

#1931

What do you call a regrettable piece of gossip?

A rue-mour.

#1930

What kind of fuel is best for creating flames that dance in the cold, cold night?

Cha-cha-coal.

#1929

The salt grains screamed in agony as they were ground into tiny pieces; it was a cruel twist of fate.

#1928

Where do wine makers celebrate victories?

In their win-yards.

#1927

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was involved in a heist at a car parts dealer.

A: What do you-?

B: He was instructed to take a brake.

#1926

What do you call two heads of schools who are friends with each other?

Princi-pals.

#1925

A leaky pen had ruined the calligrapher's lifetime of work; she didn't like to talk about the inkcident.

#1924

What do botany students use for writing tasks?

Loose leaf.

#1923

What do you call a horrible disaster in which a hunter removes a feline's backside?

A cat-ass-trophy.

#1922

Why did the pig want to leave its enclosure?

It felt sty-fled.

#1921

What kind of chocolates can be used to taunt people at shopping centres?

Mall-teasers.

#1920

What did Vivaldi call the secret combination of herbs and spices that constituted his original recipe chicken meal?

Four Seasonings.

#1919

What swamp-dwelling plants can be used to clean toilets?

Bog brush.

#1918

Which film director is referred to by all teachers of film studies when marking assessments?

Stanley Rubric.

#1917

What kind of ghosts haunt their celebrity crushes?

Fan-toms.

#1916

Where is the best place to cremate plants?

In a fern-ace.

#1915

When you're on death row, no noose is good noose.

#1914

"President Trump, in hindsight, do you have any regrets about building your wall on the Mexican border?"

"No regrets. Not even Juan."

#1913

Which Soviet politician was famous for training horses in snow sports?

Trot-ski.

#1912

"Your Majesty, how do you feel about the theft of your royal seat?"

"I'm not sure how I feel. I guess I'm just a bit throne."

#1911

What do you call a cat on drugs?

High-purr-active.

#1910

What do you call it when farm animals send their meals back to the kitchen?

Giving feedback.

#1909

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer realised that he had two family commitments at once.

A: It was Father's Day?

B: And it was also a Son-Day.

#1908

What popular 1960s dance song is about gymnastics injuries?

Twist and Shout

#1907

After 40 years as a butcher, Beth had grown accustomed to the daily rind.

#1906

What film tells the story of a savant who memorises his city's sewage system?

Drain Man

#1905

Why don't students fall for each other when they live at the same school?

Because love knows no boarders.

#1904

When do electricians feel like rock stars?

When they work with power cords.

#1903

Why couldn't the children give away their old blocks?

It was impossible to Lego.

#1902

Billy the hangman was really quite shy in his private life, but on execution days, the public only saw his flamboyant halter ego.

#1901

What sauce can never be served hot?

A coulis.

#1900

What do you call an digital update that informs you when a fight between friends is over?

A no-tiff-ication.

#1899

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The special effects department was on strike.

A: We don't have a special-

B: There were delays in post production.

#1898

What do you call a union protesting about changes to workers' rights that they think might happen in the future?

A preemptive strike.

#1897

Would do you call a person's dreams of becoming a smoker?

Ash-pirations.

#1896

What do you call mucking around by the edge of a window?

Being sill-y.

#1895

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer took a day off to consider monetising this blog, in order to make us appreciate it more.

A: Why would that-

B: Adsense makes the heart grow fonder.

#1894

What television show details the adventures of a group of fine arts and memorabilia specialists driven to a psychotic frenzy?

Frantics Roadshow.

#1893

What do you call a massive number of antelopes?

A gazelle-ion.

#1892

What did the announcer say when the dried herbs were ready to be judged?

"It's crunch thyme."

#1891

What do you call an independent, self-managed clerk who organises transactions between fishermen and the public?

A shoal trader.

#1890

What kind of fish gives the best hugs?

A cuddle-fish.

#1889

If the ferryman won't carry you across the river Styx, how can you get to Hades?

In a hell-icopter.

#1888

What do you call an independent, self-managed clerk who manages deals with the devil?

A soul trader.

#1887

What do you call artificial gas processing micro-sacs designed for human lungs?

Valve-oli.

#1886

What do you call a stash of moonshine?

An alco-haul.

#1885

What did the wrestler say after reversing a hold?

"I guess the choke's on you."

#1884

Which British prime minister fixed all the roofs at trading events in public squares?

Market Thatcher.

#1883

Which John Denver song was told from the perspective of a government statistician?

"You fill up my census..."

#1882

How do sour cherries in open pastry taste?

Tart.

#1881

To the socially conscious narrator, the lack of any great surge in action to lower carbon emissions seemed distinctly anti-climatic.

#1880

What do you call it when derision has gotten out of hand?

Running a-mock.

#1879

What feminine hygiene product is made out of chocolate biscuit by-products?

Tim-Tampons.

#1878

What do you call the destruction of a cabbage-based salad?

Slaw-ter.

#1877

Which companion of Robin Hood was in charge of plastic surgery for the Merry Men?

Friar Nip-and-Tuck.

#1876

What was the favourite garment of the Greek god of healing?

A polo.

#1875

Why did the plumber give the greengrocer an enormous quote?

There were leeks all over his shop.

#1874

What do you call a journey undertaken in order to realise the severity of the effects of drugs?

A pill-grim-age.

#1873

What do you call an ambiguous speech by a homeless person?

A vague-rant.

#1872

The timid police officer hated approaching swindlers head-on; he had a fear of con-front-ation.

#1871

What do you call the pool of people with whom you might spend a romantic evening at a sweetshop?

Candy-dates.

#1870

What do you call someone who is capable at cooking seafood?

Pro-fish-ent.

#1869

What do you call a muscly bison?

A buff-alo.

#1868

The strength of the athletics team lay in positive relay-tionships.

#1867

What do you call a vulgar introductory piece of music?

A orelewd.

#1866

What kind of nuts grow on the inside of buildings?

Wall-nuts.

#1865

What do you call the underground music scene of traffic wardens?

Halt rock.

#1864

What do you call army chefs who bonded during a war?

Broth-ers in arms.

#1863

A: Why have you filled the tub with Christmas tree decorations?

B: I wanted to have a bauble bath.

#1862

The well-respected insect was a caterpillar of society.

#1861

What do you call all the different ways you can organise a set of curled hairstyles?

Perm-utations.

#1860

Which celebrity is the best at driving?

Lady Car-Car.

#1859

The paranoid kitchen cupboard was sick of being judged by panels.

#1858

The hair product manufacturer and her clients never really managed to gel.

#1857

What do you call a pickle that changes its mind incessantly?

Caper-icious.

#1856

Which arcade game is famous for its putrid odour?

Pong.

#1855

Where did medieval kings purchase mercenaries?

At knight markets.

#1854

What kind of bomb shelter is full of bread?

A bun-ker.

#1853

The barista's apprentice could often be found pouring over the contents of the coffee making manual.

#1852

What shooting based game is best suited to the sedentary?

Lazer tag.

#1851

What did the novice entrepeneur say to the hardened negotiator?

"It's a pressure doing business with you."

#1850

Fiona, while bi-curious, felt uncomfortable about the large groups of unattached men and women who kept visiting her house; she felt that she was receiving mixed singles.

#1849

What do you call a male fire-breathing beast disguised as a female?

A drag-on.

#1848

After a series of mysterious accidents rendered potential customers wary, the company chose to rebrand with the more accurate title of Malaise Airlines.

#1847

What do you call a trip around the world spent destroying buildings?

A sabo-tour.

#1846

What do you call contentious needlework in the midst of conflict?

Embroiled-ery.

#1845

What kind of potatoes are the best for a formal dinner?

Jacket potatoes - they never lose their ap-peel.

#1844

Which American president was known for forging diplomatic connections?

Abraham Linkin'.

#1843

What do you call a round post made of fat?

A bol-lard.

#1842

What kind of computers are used at airports?

TarMacs.

#1841

Did you hear about the comedian who couldn't make it to the queue for drinks at a party?

She was beaten to the punch line.

#1840

What did the instrumentalist say the composer who insisted on placing an impossibly high number of notes in quick succession?

"Give it a rest."

#1839

A: What I'm saying is, I think he's quite average.

B: No need to be so mean about it.

#1838

What do you call the social advantage granted to people who live near a narrow passage of water connecting two seas?

Strait privilege.

#1837

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was intoxicated by his consumption of the last remnants of autumn.

A: What do you mean?

B: He was on leaves.

#1836

What do you call a rat who lives above the sewers?

A road-ent.

#1835

How did the plumber surrender in the wrestling match?

He tapped out.

#1834

What did the dentist say to the patient who refused to do anything for their dental hygiene other than brushing?

"Oh, well. Your floss."

#1833

A: Do you think that bribing him with dried grapes might work?

B: Well, if you gave me enough dried grapes of a high quality, naturally I'd consider negotiating. I'm a raisin-able man.

#1832

What anti-tank weapon is developed from a weak ogre?

The pansy-shrek.

#1831

What do you call a standalone residence for people who are prone to errors?

A bungle-low.

#1830

Struggling with the lack of fibre in her new apartment, Angelique was constipated with rage.

#1829

What do you call it when a design for a vacuum cleaner turns out to work?

Suck-cess.

#1828

What do you call an aspiration to become a plumber?

A pipe dream.

#1827

How can you tell that a knight suffers from addiction?

He spends his whole life chasing a dragon.

#1826

What did the lesbians buy to prevent their neighbours from hearing them?

Mufflers.

#1825

What do you call an irrefutable argument in favour of ammunition?

A bullet proof.

#1824

The cobbler decided to change his untidy ways after a lengthy period of sole-searching.

#1823

How can you tell that an architect is bored?

When the awning begins.

#1822

How did the priest obtain his garment?

He stole it.

#1821

What is the appropriate method to film people searching for gold in riverbanks?

Panning.

#1820

What do you call a good periodical publication?

Mag-nificent.

#1819

Oscar firmly believed in inserting things up his urethra; he felt that it was a very sound idea.

#1818

Teacher: Use the expression to bring someone up to speed in a sentence.

Student: It is advisable to start with milder drugs such as marijuana before bringing someone up to speed.

#1817

What do plants try to do at an auction?

Outbud each other.

#1816

What did Elvis tell the baby to do in case of fire?

"Shake rattle and roll."

#1815

What do you call someone who whips her customers with pizza?

A Domino-trix.

#1814

What do you call it when someone with dyslexia remembers the time when they had herpes?

PSTD.

#1813

What do you call a busker's guitar?

An instrument of change.

#1812

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was called to form the first of the letter sequenced British secret service groups?

A: What are you talking about?

B: He was MIA.

#1811

What container do scientists use when experimenting with birds?

A beaker.

#1810

The duck liked its new mask; finally, it had found something that fit the bill.

#1809

Why couldn't the mathematician prioritise his equestrian training?

He always put the Cartesian before the horse.

#1808

How did the master thief get past security?

No one could stand against his stealy gaze.

#1807

Where do Irish farmers grow rice?

In Paddy fields.

#1806

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was enjoying the fifth birthday celebrations week for our blog.

A: That's very irresponsible.

B: Yes, the fifth birthday celebrations are weak for our blog.

#1805

How do you describe the body of someone whose ribcage has been mangled?

Dis-organ-ised.

#1804

What do you call a forbidden marsupial?

A banned-icoot.

#1803

What do you call it when a contortionist pleads?

Supple-ication.

#1802

Which cousin of the Yeti is the most sarcastic?

The Sass-quatch.

#1801

Dom the computer programmer was happy to use a Java-based alternative, especially since it loaded as quick as Flash.

#1800

What kind of call can you make when your phone battery is dead?

A all that is free of charge.

#1799

"They are completely out of place," said Zannen, who could only think in terms of Mars products, "like peas in a Pod."

#1798

What do you call someone who would be able to be a superhero?

Cape-able.

#1797

Which hit of the alternative rock group Pieman and Garfunkel told the story of an animal shelter built entirely out of parts taken from transmission towers?

The Pound of Pylons

#1796

How do doctors patch together damaged tissue?

With cell-o-tape.

#1795

What do you call a place of worship for the ordinary bloke in the street?

A chap-el.

#1794

A: Why was there no update yesterday?

B: The writer was pelted with orange seeds when he tried to publish it.

A: I don't even want to know what -

B: He was pipped at the post.

#1793

What do you call a Simpsons character who is hurt by the owner of the show's nuclear power station?

A Burns victim.

#1792

What do zombie physicists want?

Branes.

#1791

The landlady grew sick of her renters constantly calling her to say that they were stuck in cracks around the house; she felt that they had taken the term "lodger" too literally.

#1790

What did the magically sentient gun do when it realised that it was killing people?

It recoiled in horror.

#1789

What do you call the minimum number of citations required for an essay?

A quote-a.

#1788

What do you call a queue of students waiting for a whole school gathering?

An assembly line.

#1787

What do you call a group of stockbrokers all renting together?

A share house.

#1786

A: Is the statistician capable of handling this variable?

B: Yes, he's very-able.

#1785

What document details the knowledge to be covered in an Indian cookery course?

The curry-culum.

#1784

What do you call a chain of optometrists?

A franch-eyes.

#1783

What did the old milkmaid say when regretting her career?

"If only I could churn back time."

#1782

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer decided to wait one day so as to make this one truly a-May-zing.

#1781

Brenton was not happy with the location of his medical rounds; he felt that he had to question his placement.

#1780

Why were the police pursuing the hay thief?

He had breached his bale.

#1779

When is frizzy hair sexually attractive?

When it's an afro-disiac.

#1778

A: I can't believe you left me dangling off that cliff?

B: I said I'm sorry. Don't get all preci-pissy about it.

#1777

What kind of quiz format is the easiest for quilt stuffers?

Fill in the blankets.

#1776

What do you call a wig made out of the bodies of sea people?

A merkin.

#1775

When the dessert appeared before the main meal, the diners realised that the dinner had veered off course.

#1774

Kevin felt that his premature ejaculation was the worst of his short comings.

#1773

How do coal miners find spouses?

At carbon dating events.

#1772

What do you call it when someone can't see because there is fat on their glasses?

Blard vision.

#1771

Kim encouraged her students to share their sheet music; she had no time for petty score keeping.

#1770

After running out of breath early on, the flautist searched for a more sustainable solution.

#1769

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was having a Pingu-themed day off.

A: That's not a good reason.

B: More like noot a good reason.

A: I will pulverise you with an ice pick.

#1768

Why did Hitler do so well on his high school exams?

He had the solutions for finals.

#1767

The hyena licked its lips. The solitary zebra in front of it was stripe for the picking.

#1766

Why did the lions go to Mardi Gras?

For the Pride March.

#1765

Why was the first Pope unable to finish his sentences?

He always Petered out.

#1764

Ian was impressed with Kleenex's latest developments; their new line of tissues, he felt, was not to be sneezed at.

#1763

Amelia felt insulted by her neighbours who played darts with parasols; she felt that they were always throwing shade.

#1762

Henry the American author was known for being meticulous; he was anything if not Thoreau.

#1761

The exercise book manufacturers were losing money uncontrollably on their new design, but couldn't escape the contract; they were in a binding spiral.

#1760

A: Where was yesterday's post? That's the third time that the schedule has been broken this month.

B: I don't know. If this gets any more infrequent it'll be updated weakly.

#1759

After noticing a widespread fear of light rail, the community rallied to combat tramsphobia.

#1758

Adam the opera lover felt that hearing instruments being adjusted to Baroque pitch really lowered the tone of an event.

#1757

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: All the bloggers were at home masturbating.

A: What? Please don't say-

B: There was a writers' stroke.

#1756

What do you call the distribution of faeces?

Scattering.

#1755

What do you call it when someone is fired from their job making Hawaiian floral wreath?

Leid off.

#1754

What do you call a tortoise that is overly protective of its partner?

Shellous.

#1753

What do you call a game show crossed with a cooking program?

Quizine.

#1752

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was out looking for unmarried women.

A: You don't mean-

B: Yes. He went missing.

#1751

What do you call ornamental wire decorations on a young mare?

Filly-gree.

#1750

What kind of fish perform deceptive undercover operations for the fish police?

Sting rays.

#1749

The mousetrap manager was quick to an opinion; he couldn't resist making snap judgements.

#1748

Why do students learn best when near researches working on alternatives to regular post?

Because they're in the zone of Proxy-Mail Development.

#1747

What do you call a french fries, cheese, and gravy spread upon crackers?

Poutine on the Ritz.

#1746

A: Why wasn't there a post yesterday?

B: The writer took a break to research the effects of stretching on female reproductive systems.

A: Please don't sa-

B: He was on long cervix leave.

#1745

The new progressive prison warden criticised the currently used chains for being excessively fetteronormative.

#1744

How did Annalene the seabird catcher encourage cooperation among her students?

She used a tern-taking activity.

#1743

What do you call it when a king interrupts an accolade for a sandwich?

A mid-knight snack.

#1742

Which US Democrat slogan called for greater engagement with the capital of Switzerland?

"Feel the Bern."

#1741

Aaron the ice cream vendor always piled heaps onto his deluxe specials - he never missed mass on a sundae.

#1740

As the sumo wrestler's horse reached the last turn, it dug deep - it knew that there was a lot riding on this.

#1739

Why did the atheist quadratic equation refuse to acknowledge the cubic equation?

It didn't believe in a higher power.

#1738

Annelisa was relieved by the chance to talk to someone about her bra problems - it was good to get it off her chest.

#1737

Why don't fields like being watered?

It's a very irrigating process.

#1736

A: Did you like the new ceiling fan?

B: Yes! It thoroughly blew me away.

#1735

What do you call someone who's never seen a tree?

Twignorant.

#1734

A: It says here that the ice cream vendor has decided to only sell vanilla in an attempt to maximise profits.

B: Well, he's not doing himself any flavours.

#1733

What do you call a Sith Lord try to walk through a deep lake?

Darth Wader.

#1732

After the cattle started returning their uneaten hay to the farmer by means of protest, he began to worry about the negative feedback.

#1731

Which country in the British Isles is the best at swimming and singing?

Wales.

#1730

Which Biblical story describes a boy who is beaten with an iron bar after wasting his father's fortune?

The prod-igal son.

#1729

What do you call a feeling of disgruntlement at having to mail something twice?

Resentment.

#1728

What do you call a fight in a rugby match?

A ruckus.

#1727

In what kind of water are objects most buoyant?

Spring water.

#1726

What do you call the everyday speech in A Journey To The Center Of The Earth?

The Verne-acular.

#1725

What do you call a process by which amphetamines can be made?

A meth-od.

#1724

What is an acrobat's favourite shape?

A trapezium.

#1723

Which Disney film tells the story of Rapunzel's struggle with geometry?

Rectangled.

#1722

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: Beware the Ides of March!

A: That's the 15th.

B: Beware the Lieds of March!

A: That's not a thing.

B: Please stop the Chides of March!

#1721

Why is it bad to attack people's cats?

You might hurt their felines.

#1720

What do you call the process by which the ocean moves up and down continually?

Sea-sawing.

#1719

What do you call the state of being frightened of pollution?

Atmos-fear.

#1718

What should people smoke if they don't like sharp-smelling marijuana?

Smoke blunts.

#1717

What do you call the process of rigging the Olympics?

Medalling.

#1716

What kind of frozen confectionery can be used to propel a boat?

Paddle pops.

#1715

What part of Sydney was named after the way it inspired rage in a monarch?

King's Cross.

#1714

Why did the police officer stop children from sleeping during the day?

Because kid-napping is illegal.

#1713

Exhausted and disheartened, the assembly line worker struggled to solder onwards.

#1712

How do you describe a programmer who is humble about the upgrades that they write for games?

Mod-est.

#1711

What did the fussy cannibal say to the catering staff?

"Don't give me none of your lip."

#1710

Why did the sniper never report failed missions?

He didn't like to miss and tell.

#1709

Why did the couple break up after retiring from bodybuilding?

They weren't working out any more.

#1708

What kind of cars do golf assistants drive?

Caddy-lacs.

#1707

What kind of IT work is there at a toilet store?

Cisterns management.

#1706

What game can you play after knocking over a group of old people?

Pick up sticks.

#1705

A: Hey, can you do me a solid?

B: Sorry, I've been constipated for a week.

#1704

What do you call the reasoning behind the distribution of food in wartime?

The rationale.

#1703

A: Why did you give binoculars to the geese?

B: What's good for a gander is good for a goose.

#1702

On what day does the Catholic Church celebrate the protagonist of the Pokémon franchise?

Ash Wednesday.

#1701

What do you call a manipulative real estate agent?

A suite talker.

#1700

What do you call a small pile of garbage made of leftover Chinese food?

A dumpling.

#1699

Which chocolate bar falls from trees?

Twigs.

#1698

How does a tree fetishist keep notes on his conquests?

He enters them in the log.

#1697

What kind of device can be used to decorate bedsheets?

A quilt pen.

#1696

Which famous Parisian cabaret features burrowing insectivores as the dancers?

The Mole-in Rouge.

#1695

What did the bigot say when asked what kind of washing liquid he wanted?

"No Omo."

#1694

A: We can't do it now that the police officer has left the building.

B: That's a bit of a cop-out.

#1693

A: Apparently she rapped all the tracks the day that she lost her jobs.

B: I knew that that mixtape was fired.

#1692

Where do pilots meet airport ground staff?

On the landing.

#1691

A: Does this ship carry cargo?

B: I'm a-freight not.

#1690

After debating whether to steal from the sink, the thief eventually decided to take the plunger.

#1689

Why did the crow put in extra effort at work?

it wanted a caw-porate position.

#1688

The Solar System can look beautiful from afar, although among many viewers, a lack of appreciation for the fourth planet from the sun mars their experience.

#1687

What do you a vehicle repair shop run by a mechanic with split-personality disorder?

Jekyll and hydraulics.

#1686

What do you call chairs covered with animal pelts?

Fur-niture.

#1685

What happens to a pen if you touch its nib?

It becomes a felt tip pen.

#1684

A: Are you glad that your appointment's been moved earlier?

B: Yes! I feel like a wait has been lifted.

#1683

What did the hermit do at the bank before leaving society forever?

Withdraw.

#1682

What do you call the sound made by a group of people with emphysema?

A cacoughophony.

#1681

What do you call the act of stealing medication?

Pillfering.

#1680

What do you call someone who can be representative of all those with the flu?

Phlegm-blematic.

#1679

A: Do you think think the man over there with a bowl full of party beverage in his bag would be effective in a fight?

B: Well, he certainly packs a punch.

#1678

What do you call a mobile brothel from the Middle Ages?

A whores and cart.

#1677

What do you call the act of dropping sparkles in the street?

Glittering.

#1676

Which flower is the best romantic present for someone you want to kiss?

A two-lip.

#1675

What kind of flower cannot be seen at night?

A days-y.

#1674

"Watch out for him. He's always wheelin' and dealin'."

The locals were wary of the owner of the camembert-themed poker club.

#1673

Why did the clumsy fisherman become a dubstep producer?

He realised that he was really good at dropping the bass.

#1672

After being banned from making balloon animals, the children's party entertainer felt quite deflated.

#1671

What do bicycle vendors do at a market?

Pedal their wares.

#1670

Did you hear about the broken people who fell in love?

They were frag-meant to be.

#1669

What do you call a dazed pirate?

Groggy.

#1668

The tiger gazed at the herd of zebras - they were stripe for the picking.

#1667

Why can't rappers work at water companies?

Their flow makes everyone sick.

#1666

As the owner of a successful lemonade franchise, Charlotte was known for her zest for life.

#1665

What song did Crowded House write about their repeated visits to the spice shop?

Four Seasonings In One Day

#1664

How did the two animals who missed Noah's Ark survive the flood?

On their gi-raft.

#1663

What do you call a wizard who can create fog out of elemental materials?

An alche-mist.

#1662

What is needed to encourage builders to construct a defensive body of water around a castle?

Moativation.