#1416

Are you a Catholic and do you want the body of your dreams? For only three payments of 19.99 and telling all your sins to a priest, you can have the torso you've to which you've always aspired! Presenting the brand new AbSolution.

#1415

Benedict the gardener only used spades very solemnly; he believed that this would preserve his dig-nity.

#1414

Teacher: Use the word likewise in a sentence.

Student: Most old people are totally, like, wise.

#1413

A: Why is there a trampoline under my car?

B: You said you needed a jump start.

#1412

What do you call buoyant blocks of wood that are used to support rooftops?

Rafters.

#1411

Magdalena had never had a problem with spoiled children, but since becoming a cannibal, she found them disgusting.

#1410

What do you call the captain of a frolicking team?

The skipper.

#1409

The prince sprinted out of the ballroom to find that she was gone. All that remained was a glass shoe. Gradually, he realised that Cinderella had given him the slipper.

#1408

What do you call a program on a Macintosh computer?

An apple-ication.

#1407

The art heist was a success; all the sculptures had disappeared without a Samo-trace.

#1406

What do you call the being who is sad to collect the souls of the dead?

The Grim Weeper.

#1405

A: Why were you passed out on top of the house?

B: I think I was roofied.

#1404

After noticing that everyone she had interviewed had seemed angry, Natasha reflected that she might have chosen a particularly cross section of the population.

#1403

Which dogs are the best at learning lewd songs?

Bawdy collies.

#1402

The dominatrix appreciated strapping young men.

#1401

Nancy loved it when customers only wanted parts of their hair coloured; it was the highlight of her day.

#1400

Years spent watching television had prepared Keith poorly for the tedious journey from France to England; no matter how bored he became, he could not change the Channel.

#1399

A: Do you think it's safe to leave this untied?

B: I think knot.

#1398

Learning to turn handles despite arthritis can open many doors late in life.

#1397

A: You don't like you're dancing. You look like you're attempting a painful walk over broken glass.

B: I've got the moves like jagged!

#1396

The river preferred to distribute its liquid assets between two banks.

#1395

"We can explain!" cried the cheating husband. But neither he nor his lover could find anything to say. All that was evident was that they were tongue-tied.

#1394

A: How can we protect young people from alcoholism?

B: We need to nip it in the Budweiser.

#1393

Jean's favourite part of Despicable Me was the way in which the protagonist Gru emotionally.

#1392

How do you find a coal monster?

By tracing its carbon footprints.

#1391

At first, the fish wasn't interested in the bait, but once he tasted it, he was hooked.

#1390

Which beverage is traditionally associated with politeness?

Cordial.

#1389

What do you call a symbolic gruesome painting?

Alle-gory-cal.

#1388

The conservative architect strongly advised against all multi-level projects, as she believed that they would end in tiers.

#1387

What do you call someone who receives money from the lead singer of U2?

A Bono-ficiary.