#1661

Hollywood actors go to eternal damnation via the house of Ms Klum - you can see them passing through the gates of Heidi's.

#1660

The male sheep dormitories were often unruly; today, the farmer noted that they were particularly ram-bunk-tious.

#1659

What kind of decorative sheet is known for its use in hip hop?

Rapping paper.

#1658

How do nuns win arm wrestles?

Force of habit.

#1657

What do you call a former lover from Provence?

An aix.

#1656

What did the priest say when the members of the secret sect received their final sacrament of Catholic initiation?

"Illuminati confirmed."

#1655

The birth of Jesus went smoothly, with both mother and child in a stable condition.

#1654

What is the culinary opposite of a baguette?

Shortbread.

#1653

How would you describe a significant piece for a church choir?

Hymn-portant.

#1652

How can you tell if a drunk crowd doesn't like you?

You can hear their booze.

#1651

What is used to stop drinks from leaving stains on tables at beachside bars?

Coasters.

#1650

What do you call it when a checkered sponge cake is squashed?

Flattenberg cake.

#1649

What did the Jedi say to the plumber on her first day?

"May the faucet be with you."

#1648

Who was the drummer in the Mexican Beatles?

Gringo.

#1647

What do you call sexual deviant nits?

Lice-entious.

#1646

A: I love those guys! They always bring such light to the room.

B: That's not that impressive.

A: What do you mean?

B: I think it takes a lot more effort to bring heavy.

#1645

What symbolic gesture did the Greek slaves make when reclaiming their freedom?

They threw off their fetas.

#1644

What did 18th century peasants use as napkins?

Serf-iettes.

#1643

What form of energy is the most democratic?

Elect-ricity.

#1642

What kind of lung disease is caused by eating too many root vegetables?

Tuberculosis.

#1641

Why did Zeus hate show-off minor deities?

They were always trying to steal his thunder.

#1640

What do you call a German Christmas bread which you took without paying?

Stolen (Give-it-bäck).

#1639

What was the prisoner with an Oedipal complex served while in prison?

Freudian slop.

#1638

How did the group of black lovers tell their parrot that they wanted to add a white member?

"Poly want a cracker."

#1637

The wine cellar was useless without any wine buyers.

#1636

Which structure in train stations consists of interwoven waiting areas?

A plait-form.

#1635

What song did Green Day write about an unrepeatable encounter with a stopwatch?

Timer of Your Life

#1634

A: Why wasn't there a post yesterday?

B: The writer took a day off to work to be wise about stomach exercises.

A: What do you mean?

B: I just explained his ab-sense.

#1633

As he looked around the orchard one last time, Zorro knew that he would cherry-sh these memories forever.

#1632

What do the British lower classes use to moisturise their lips?

Chavsticks.

#1631

What do you call the study of electronic plant substitutes?

Robotany.

#1630

What do you call a famous buttercup?

Renowned-culus.

#1629

What sound do pirates' stomachs make when they want liquor?

Rum-bling.

#1628

Where in an airport can you check how old a suitcase is?

The bag-age area.

#1627

What holiday do American military vehicle manufacturers celebrate in November?

Tanks-giving.

#1626

What did the poetry prostitute say to the potential client?

"Looking for a good rhyme?"

#1625

What should you say to an incompetent dog breeder?

"Step pup your game."

#1624

What happened to the priest who had his beard trimmed in the church tower?

He was shaved by the bell.

#1623

A: Can you carry my bag?

B: I can't believe you would satchel me with this burden.

#1622

What did the king say about the reliable nobleman who was lower than a duke but higher than a baron?

"You can Count on him."

#1621

What do you call the wife of a Duke in the Netherlands?

A Dutchess.

#1620

After looking over her footnotes, Emeline realised that the quote she had searched for was hiding in plain citation.

#1619

Where is the worst place in Germany to wake up after a night of heavy drinking?

Hanover.

#1618

What television series tells the story of a woman who memorises homicide case files?

Murder, She Rote.

#1617

Why couldn't Hayley do squats?

She was glute intolerant.

#1616

Which Tennyson poem recounts an attack conducted by a troop of bantamweights?

The charge of the light brigade.

#1615

The operator of the public humiliation device was known for being a pillory of the community.

#1614

The innovative stoner, the first to smoke a mixture of dried fruit and nuts, was widely regarded as a trail blazer.

#1613

What do you call a significant tiny demon?

Imp-ortant.

#1612

Officer Brace tossed and turn in a fitful rest, plagued by recurring visions of her indecent exposure arrest. She woke up, sweating. She was going to have to find a way to stop these flashbacks.

#1611

What do you call an uncomfortable smile?

A cha-grin.

#1610

What do you call a dream-like blurring of reality and imagination caused by a soft drink?

A Fanta-smagoric experience.

#1609

What do you call false prices in a tavern?

Inn accurate.

#1608

What feature most commonly makes a woodchopper pretty?

Lumberous eyes.

#1607

What do you call the leader of a military sniffer dog squad?

A scent-urion.

#1606

What do you call a padded bag used for defensive rugby training?

A recep-tackle.

#1605

After commencing the nutrition program for chest muscles, Andy had great eggs-pec-tations.

#1604

What do you call it when a person must choose one of two cliffs off which to jump?

A di-lemming.

#1603

What do you call an inspirational weaver?

A loominary.

#1602

After it proved impossible to move directly above the air ducts, Richie decided to circumvent them.

#1601

What did the priest say when asked if he could abandon his congregation?

"Parish the thought!"

#1600

What do you call the process of slowly savouring a sauce?

Relishing.

#1599

What do you call a lot of people going to confession?

A sinflux.

#1598

What kind of stick does an old sugar daddy use to walk?

A cane.

#1597

What do you call a forceful declaration about white blood cells?

A lymphatic statement.

#1596

What do you call the state of being worried about one's printing supplies?

Ink-quietude.

#1595

Teacher: Define chamber music.

Student: Chamber music is when you play from the heart.

#1594

What do you call people who have lost their eyesight on Italian canals?

Venetian blinds.

#1593

What do you call someone who was born into wealth?

Luck-xurious.

#1592

Proponents of a ban on burkas have been accused of slit-shaming.

#1591

Cordelia was always very careful about the ropes on her ship; some would say that she was excessively rig-ourous.

#1590

Which musical genre is best known for its associated facial hairstyles?

Mo-town.

#1589

Upon escaping from the pirate's clutches, Linn happily realised that she was off the hook.

#1588

The police in Singapore are known for their strict enforcement of littering laws; they will fine someone at the drop of a hat.

#1587

A: My credit card says I've purchased a bunch of livestock! What do I do?

B: For starters, don't have a cow.

#1586

The society of Youtubers against Food Wastage asked people not to subscribe to How To Basic - as this would only egg him on further.

#1585

The engineers had designed the train to move especially fast; it was their express purpose.

#1584

How do strippers judge their popularity?

Based on their performance on the poles.

#1583

The faulty door was driving the carpenters crazy; they were starting to become unhinged.

#1582

To bond with someone, change trains with them; it's a great way to make a connection.

#1581

Which boy band was named after the inability of its members to reverse a car?

One Direction.

#1580

The potato storeroom had been burgled in a mash and grab attack.

#1579

All thieves of baked goods were terrible, reflected the detective, but this one really took the biscuit.

#1578

After her fetish for concealing felines in sacks became too suspicious, Brigitte decided to let the cat out of the bag.

#1577

A: How was the rocket launch?

B: Great! We had a blast.

#1576

A: Oh no! I forgot to bring her coat!

B: No wonder she's been giving you the cold shoulder.

#1575

After struggling to name the period during which the sun is visible, the astronomers decided to call it a day.

#1574

The mystery of the missing clothes hampers was ruining the detective; these unsolved thefts were turning her into a basket case.

#1573

As the organiser of the judges' dance, Kayna felt distinctly uncomfortable that had not been able to afford an external venue; she was unsure how to proceed now that the ball was in her court.

#1572

What did the attentive corn say?

"I'm all ears."

#1571

What song of peace is favoured by hairdressers?

Combaya.

#1570

Where do carpentry genies live?

In magic clamps.

#1569

What do you call a cat's journey to find formal garments?

A purr-suit.

#1568

What was the athletics coach's favourite photography technique?

Time laps.

#1567

What do you call a confusingly structured science workplace?

A lab-yrinth.

#1566

The first sex robots were very difficult to use; it was far too easy to blow a fuse.

#1565

How did Dylan Thomas cut his date's lip?

He did not go gentle into that good night.

#1564

Years of working in the traffic centre of an airport had made it very hard for Eloise to maintain a relationship - all her partners complained that she was too controlling.

#1563

Why did the auditor hate inspecting the nail salon?

They had the most complicated filing system.

#1562

After the first engineer's arms were chopped off by the malfunctioning device, none of the others were willing to try their hand.

#1561

How did Dylan Thomas stub his toe in the garden?

He did not go gentle into that good night.

#1560

Why did the computer programmers want to make sure that there were no elephants on the internet?

They would squash it.

#1559

What do you call secret tribal rituals?

Clan-destine activies.

#1558

Why did the general enter his soldiers into a car race?

To rally the troops.

#1557

A: Do you always read the whole newspaper?

B: No, just whatever artickles my fancy.

#1556

Why did the fashion designer refuse to wear ripped jeans indoors?

Because they were meant to be worn out.

#1555

Upon arriving in the colony of blind people, the bodybuilder realised that here, his physique was absolete.

#1554

How would eating pork lead to peace in the Middle East?

It would allow all factions to find salaam-i.

#1553

Which friend of Winnie the Pooh sacrificed his life for his acting career?

Piglet, for the role of Hamlet.

#1552

What do you call it when a lot of people have been slain?

A slew.

#1551

What kind of meat is always spoiled?

Off-al.

#1550

What do you call a plant that reproduces inconsistently?

Spore-adic.

#1549

Where can couples who can't decide which way to vote meet other indecisive strangers for sex?

A swingers club.

#1548

A: Why wasn't there a post yesterday?

B: Yesterday was Wednesday.

A: So?

B: I decided to honour the original meaning of the day.

A: How?

B: Yesterday, all the readers were asking themselves, "When's today's post arriving?" Thus: When's-day.

A: Once again, did you break the blog schedule just to make that -

B: Yes.

#1547

Otto didn't like being criticised for his habitual tardiness; he preferred to think of it as a latemotif.

#1546

Bakers are often sardonic; they're known for their rye sense of humour.

#1545

What do you call it when an anarchist has diarrhoea?

Dissentery.

#1544

Clara couldn't resist purchasing socks, but her husband Robert was more of a shoe man.

#1543

After the disgraced cyclist developed a large boil, the doctors had to lance Armstrong.

#1542

Why can't anyone remember wearing tight bras?

Because they're repressed mammaries.

#1541

After deciding to enter publishing as well as fashion, the company was renamed "Abercrombie and Fiction".

#1540

A: Where did you get the money to pay for a gardener?

B: From my hedge fund.

#1539

Merryl's brother hated sitting next to her on long flights. She would brag for hours about how well she played in her brass band. He always tried to walk up and down the aisle to avoid his deeply vain trombone sis.

#1538

A: Do you remember Quasimodo?

B: Yes, that rings a bell.

#1537

A: What were you doing with the kittens?

B: I was trying to fool them into thinking that there would be milk.

A: Did it work?

B: Oh yes. They lapped it up.

#1536

A: Why are you only having the main meal?

B: Because they said we can't have chips and salad, so it's safer to have neither.

A: Just pick one.

B: But one chef made the chips, and another one made the salad, so-

A: I swear to God, don't say-

B: I don't want to take sides.

[A pause.]

A: I hope you choke.

#1535

What is a bird's favourite part of programming?

Nesting.

#1534

The chancellor of the university was forced to retire after it became that he was no longer in control of his faculties.

#1533

After facing poor ratings, the lumberjack reality show had to be axed.

#1532

What did the teacher say to the students at the Thieving Academy when giving a lesson on robbing a stationery shop?

"Take notes."

#1531

Devastating weather ravaged South Korea today as attempts to create copies of the artist behind Gangnam Style led to horrifying Psy-clones.

#1530

What meteorological phenomenon causes old people to walk faster?

A hurry-cane.

#1529

What do you call a portion of fat that is exhausting to chew?

Larduous.

#1528

What do you call the standard of a disorganised street vendor?

A chaosque.

#1527

When should a period of mourning end?

In the afternoon.

#1526

Elisabeth decided not to say anything when one of her sneakers fell apart; she felt that it would be wiser to hold her tongue.

#1525

In this era, homosexuality was considered a mental illness - any people who were found to be gay were immediately placed in a straightjacket.

#1524

How does a cool person with lots of swag give other people their contact details?

On a ballin' card.

#1523

After raising her prices, the jeweller was accused of profit-earring.

#1522

How do you stop people from looking through your windows?

Blind them.

#1521

Thierry initially enjoyed his skinny jeans, but after a while, they wore thin.

#1520

Erika was initially enthusiastic about her career as an author, but after some years, the novelty wore off.

#1519

The music was loud enough to make people feel sick; most audience members reported feeling noise-eous.

#1518

Where do classical musicians jam?

At the conserve-atory.

#1517

Which writing utensil was originally designed for keeping score in sports?

The ballpoint pen.

#1516

As Gina contemplated how to end her relationship, she decided that destroying all of her boyfriend's suits would be a very clear way to break ties.

#1515

What do you call an intersection strewn with discarded trash?

A junk-tion.

#1514

A: Why did you shove a flower in my wound? Why would you do that?

B: I thought it would help to stem the flow of blood.

A: I'm in so much pain.

B: Stem, get it?

#1513

The communists believed that, once the right was proved wrong, only they would be left.

#1512

The mafia boss gazed glumly at the large pile of tiny brushes on the table before him. He glanced at his youngest charge, who was standing to attention on the other side of the heap.

"It was hard, boss. Most people said they'd never heard of them. So I made them myself. They're specially designed to remove lint from the joints of fingers of any size, and I think I've made enough for the whole mob, boss," he concluded, beaming with pride.

The old gangster sighed.

"Fetch us knuckle dusters, I said, Jakey. Knuckle dusters."

#1511

What do you call a religious awakening on the 29th of February?

A leap of faith.

#1510

What do you call a messy natural environment?

A shabbytat.

#1509

What do you call the correct posture for the Queen's Guard?

A stand-ard.

#1508

What do you call a dark mandarin?

A tanned-gerine.

#1507

What do you call a list of locations on a boxer's tour?

A fight-inerary.

#1506

What do you call someone who tries to appear learned but constantly makes mistakes?

Error-dite.

#1505

Thaphei hated receiving group messages about medieval armour - he immediately deleted all chainmail.

#1504

What do you call the ability to act appropriately at a carnival?

Savoir-fair.

#1503

The professor gazed glumly at the report on her desk. She glanced at her youngest researcher, who was seated opposite her, beaming proudly.

"It was quite hard to locate - and it seemed strange to give me a chemical study given that we're geneticists - but I did find a local aquatic centre where people can swim in denim and conducted a thorough analysis of the consequences of the fabric on the water."

The professor sighed.

"Investigate the local gene pool, I said. Not the jean pool, the gene pool."

"Yes," smiled the student, and the professor retired that afternoon.

#1502

A: Why are you buying so many shares?

B: It's autumn.

A: So?

B: I'm stocking up for the winter.

#1501

What do you call a list of available gigolos?

A men-u.

#1500

After being bullied by his colleagues for not having a waxed anus, the stripper decided to sue for hair-ass-ment.

#1499

What do you call an expert on filming the mating practices of birds?

A pornithologist.

#1498

What does a corpse use to brush its hair?

A catacomb.

#1497

What do you call a furtively modified percussion instrument?

A tamperine.

#1496

Paul couldn't help but ask if the strangers were from Poland or from the Czech Republic; he was a Slav to his curiosity.

#1495

What do you call a natural pause during which people start talking about parts of ships?

A hull in conversation.

#1494

A: They keep pulling out lice from my dog's fur.

B: Don't mind them; they're just nitpicking.

#1493

A: They keep pointing out flaws in the woollen scarves I made.

B: Don't mind them; they're just knitpicking.

#1492

A: What do you mean, you can tell that he's weak-willed just by looking at his jumper?

B: I'm telling you, that's a pushover pullover.

#1491

A: I can't believe you broke my miniature air conditioner!

B: You need to learn to be more relaxed about these things. Don't sweat the small stuff.

#1490

The disused train station had been turned into a cafe - essentially, it had never gone out of service.

#1489

A: Why don't you like the recessed area on the side of the room?

B: I find it alcoverrated.

#1488

Why are diseased prostitutes highly sought for the emergency services?

They know how to put out a fire.

#1487

What business deals with self-driven mechanics?

The automotive industry.

#1486

A: You gave your word to how many people?

B: I'm sorry, I can't help being promise-cuous.

#1485

For Barnaby, choosing a lobotomy was a no-brainer.

#1484

The explorers' fears paled in comparison to the plight of the albinos.

#1483

After years spent investigating the sculpture heist, the detectives finally made a bust.

#1482

A: The old guy she's dating owns a confectionery shop.

B: I suppose he must be a sugar daddy.

#1481

A: It's so hard to talk to my publican. He's gruff and rude and not a good listener.

B: Perhaps you need to find someone who's a little more bar-tender.

#1480

After a relaxing holiday, it was time for the coffee maker to return to the daily grind.

#1479

What happened to the chicken when it stopped producing eggs?

It got laid off.

#1478

With what words do prostitutes greet clients?

"Welcome to my humble a-bod."

(At least I hope they do. I would do this if I were one.)

#1477

The secret to Anais's longevity as a furniture maker was her deep-seated belief in the quality of her sofas.

#1476

Why was the spider embarrassed when its web fell apart?

It fly had come undone.

#1475

How did Ancient Egyptians navigate through documents?

By scrolling.

#1474

What do you call an egg-filled bread bun?

An embryoche.

#1473

The fly, unfortunately for itself, alighted on a combustible substance.

#1472

Olivia believed that getting her name onto one voting list would lead to many others; she felt that she was on a roll.

#1471

What do swine use to write letters?

A pig pen.

#1470

A: They decided to hire an exorcist.

B: What could possibly have possessed them to do that?

#1469

Rui was disappointed to find out that cocaine was not all it was cracked up to be.

#1468

Why did the apple go to the gym?

To build its core strength.

#1467

Why does the Queen only play poker on the toilet?

Because she's always guaranteed of a Royal Flush.

#1466

When the escape artist decided that she wanted to release a DVD of herself being fastened to the ceiling; she knew that she had to organise a live taping.

#1465

A: Why did you tell him to take up smoking?

B: He asked me for add-vice.

#1464

When do nuts wear jeans?

On cashew-al Fridays.

#1463

After trying it a first time, the new blood donor decided to carry on in the same vein.

#1462

A: Oh no! This man had most of his body chopped off in the accident! He will never be whole again!

B: Well, he certainly looks the part.

#1461

The crime historian merely wanted to write the wrongs of the past.

#1460

Clare the theatre director, nursing a broken arm, was struggling to adjust the rehearsal schedule; for the hundredth time, she cursed her inflexible cast.

#1459

A: Do you believe the story about Jesus and the fruit tree?

B: No, I think it's entirely fig-titious.

#1458

The pinboard monitor believed that the best form of defense was a good tack.

#1457

How can you tell that a printing press has never been used?

Its hyphen is intact.

#1456

Leaving a relationship can be a painful process of ex-traction.

#1455

After observing the holes clearly cut into the pile of papers, Yannick had to concede that the device did indeed pack a punch.

#1454

A: I have so much weaving to do! I won't be free for ages.

B: Cheer up, I'm sure it won't be all doom and loom.

#1453

Venus Williams was known for being a calm child, but her sister was serener.

#1452

What do you call an organisation bookkeepers wearing suspenders?

Gartered accountants.

#1451

What do people say when they realise, for the first time, that they are not white?

"Well, colour me surprised!"

#1450

The gay man rolled out of bed and picked up his phone to check his matches - it was time for the daily grindr.

#1449

The statisticians called for a pause to calculate the averages. Meanwhile...

#1448

A: Why did you interrupt everyone with your twerking?

B: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to butt in.

#1447

What do you call someone printing in a hurry?

Hard pressed.

#1446

What is the name for the mapping of underground surfaces?

Bottom-ology.

#1445

What kind of organisation predicts future couples?

A shipping company.

#1444

What is the name for the study of the mentality behind Gangnam Style?

Psy-chology.

#1443

What is the most specific kind of sports bra?

A push-up bra.

#1442

What is the name of the process by which a demon prepares a human for entry?

Prepossession.

#1441

What kind of dog enjoys touring the world?

A jet setter.

#1440

What happens to old Egyptians as the float down the river towards the ocean?

They become sea-Nile.

#1439

How can you tell that an electron is feeling energetic?

It comes out of its shell.

#1438

What do you call a group of gangsters who can be identified by their necklaces?

A chain gang.

#1437

What do you call a vampire who raises the dead in order to seduce them?

A neck-romancer.

#1436

What did the student say while submitting an essay?

"Mark my words."

#1435

A: Lately, every time my children speak, they say a group of words without any verbs!

B: Don't worry. I'm sure it's just a phrase.

#1434

How did the wall celebrate its birthday?

By getting plastered.

#1433

"This isn't a real celebration of supermarket cashier's desks! This is just a counter-fête!"

#1432

What kind of magical creature is known for not caring about justice?

An unfairy.

#1431

The candlemaker sighed; these customers were beginning to get on his wick.

#1430

Teacher: Use the word fervent in a sentence.

Student: An opening to gather a cat's hair is called a fur-vent.

#1429

Which piece of smartphone software measures the power usage of the device?

WattsApp.

#1428

A: Why do you always disagree with my fruit choices?

B: I enjoy playing the devil's avocado.

#1427

The stationery innovator was always trying to push the envelope.

#1426

What do you call the pain caused by an excessively heavy backpack?

Bagony.

#1425

What did the enthusiastic business owner say about her preference for solitude?

"I enjoy my own company."

#1424

What do you call a brief video about trimming nails?

A clip.

#1423

What do herb growers do in a ballroom?

Chive.

#1422

What happened when the satyromaniac cowboy fell sick?

He was bedridden.

#1421

A: What do you mean, it used to be a flying vehicle?

B: I'm sorry, I can't ex-plane.

#1420

What was used to construct a sling when the French sculptor fractured her arm?

Plaster of Paris.

#1419

How did the city dweller apologise for his grumpiness in the country side?

"Sorry to be such a towner."

#1418

The former beekeeper recalled to this day the day that her hive abandoned her; she could still feel the sting of rejection.

#1417

What did the undertaker say about the necrophiliacs?

"They want the D-ceased."

#1416

Are you a Catholic and do you want the body of your dreams? For only three payments of 19.99 and telling all your sins to a priest, you can have the torso you've to which you've always aspired! Presenting the brand new AbSolution.

#1415

Benedict the gardener only used spades very solemnly; he believed that this would preserve his dig-nity.

#1414

Teacher: Use the word likewise in a sentence.

Student: Most old people are totally, like, wise.

#1413

A: Why is there a trampoline under my car?

B: You said you needed a jump start.

#1412

What do you call buoyant blocks of wood that are used to support rooftops?

Rafters.

#1411

Magdalena had never had a problem with spoiled children, but since becoming a cannibal, she found them disgusting.

#1410

What do you call the captain of a frolicking team?

The skipper.

#1409

The prince sprinted out of the ballroom to find that she was gone. All that remained was a glass shoe. Gradually, he realised that Cinderella had given him the slipper.

#1408

What do you call a program on a Macintosh computer?

An apple-ication.

#1407

The art heist was a success; all the sculptures had disappeared without a Samo-trace.

#1406

What do you call the being who is sad to collect the souls of the dead?

The Grim Weeper.

#1405

A: Why were you passed out on top of the house?

B: I think I was roofied.

#1404

After noticing that everyone she had interviewed had seemed angry, Natasha reflected that she might have chosen a particularly cross section of the population.

#1403

Which dogs are the best at learning lewd songs?

Bawdy collies.

#1402

The dominatrix appreciated strapping young men.

#1401

Nancy loved it when customers only wanted parts of their hair coloured; it was the highlight of her day.

#1400

Years spent watching television had prepared Keith poorly for the tedious journey from France to England; no matter how bored he became, he could not change the Channel.

#1399

A: Do you think it's safe to leave this untied?

B: I think knot.

#1398

Learning to turn handles despite arthritis can open many doors late in life.

#1397

A: You don't like you're dancing. You look like you're attempting a painful walk over broken glass.

B: I've got the moves like jagged!

#1396

The river preferred to distribute its liquid assets between two banks.

#1395

"We can explain!" cried the cheating husband. But neither he nor his lover could find anything to say. All that was evident was that they were tongue-tied.

#1394

A: How can we protect young people from alcoholism?

B: We need to nip it in the Budweiser.

#1393

Jean's favourite part of Despicable Me was the way in which the protagonist Gru emotionally.

#1392

How do you find a coal monster?

By tracing its carbon footprints.

#1391

At first, the fish wasn't interested in the bait, but once he tasted it, he was hooked.

#1390

Which beverage is traditionally associated with politeness?

Cordial.

#1389

What do you call a symbolic gruesome painting?

Alle-gory-cal.

#1388

The conservative architect strongly advised against all multi-level projects, as she believed that they would end in tiers.

#1387

What do you call someone who receives money from the lead singer of U2?

A Bono-ficiary.

#1386

After rumours of a rebellion reached the capital, the dictator's council advised him to reign in his tyranny.

#1385

From what book do cowboys take religious instruction?

Giddy-on's Bible.

#1384

What did the hairdresser say to the chicken vendor?

"It's not about the nugget, it's about the lice."

#1383

Awareness of the irony of the situation prevented the torture exhibition's staff from stopping ticket scalpers.

#1382

After compiling a montage of her different roles, Tereza began to reel in film roles.

#1381

"After all, your Honour, it's called the e-con-omy. I rest my case."

Eros's career as a defense attorney for fraudsters was short-lived.

#1380

Amid their attempts to reduce the length of the soccer's official rule book, FIFA officials have been accused of attempting to cut corners.

#1379

British locals have been increasingly having children with African immigrants. Not since before the industrial revolution has the United Kingdom seen such a high number of black Smiths.

#1378

The police sergeant gazed glumly at the wall, which bore a lush covering of soapy bubbles, and sighed.

"I said I wanted you to think about a deterrent for graffiti, Gravener. Not detergent. Deterrent."

#1377

What do you call the assessor of a shooting exam?

A marksman.

#1376

It is conventional for a furry porn actor to have a skunk double.

#1375

A: I can't believe you cut off my water supply! This isn't funny, B.

B: I think you need to make more of an effort to understand my dry sense of humour.

#1374

A: What do you say when you want him to write?

B: Inscribe!

A: And when you want to dismiss him?

B: Out, scribe!

#1373

What kind of guard stands in the middle of a camp?

A centry.

#1372

What kind of drink is designed to help reptiles?

Gator-aid.

#1371

What do you call a work of theatre sent in the mail?

A post script.

#1370

Where does the Vatican keep records of its cancelled marriages?

In its Annuls.

#1369

"Your diction is excellent, but you are very poor at dividing food appropriately among your guests. You will have to take allocation lessons."

#1368

Boris Nemtsov, an outspoken critic of the Russian government, was killed after disPutin its practices.

#1367

Why did the cat shed in the garden?

To furtilise the plants.

#1366

Too weak to be a piano mover, Alan decided to transport triangles - however, there wasn't much work, even after he advertised himself as the first real shapeshifter.

#1365

What did Odysseus's Chinese crew member say about the seductresses of the sea?

"The Sirens was deafening."

#1364

What do you call a Mexican hairdresser?

Ombré.

#1363

The hardest part of being a sniper is maintaining focus.

#1362

Which dance is traditionally performed against the barriers between rooms?

The walltz.

#1361

In the scarecrow's opinion, the adjacent rosebush was just a thorn in his side.

#1360

The taxi driver was disqualified from the race for starting early; he was now the first cab off the ranks.

#1359

What is the sauciest seafood dish?

Anything with periwinkles.

#1358

The female greenhouse curator was fired after numerous attempts at smashing the glass ceiling.

#1357

What brand of condoms did dinosaurs wear?

Do-rex.

#1356

What do you call a relative sleeping on a serviette?

Napkin.

#1355

The predatory onions lured unsuspecting victims into their layers.

#1354

What is the official title of the elected leader of tropical fruits?

The guavanor.

#1353

What do you call a group of prostitutes barely visible in the distance?

A whore-izon.

#1352

On what day does France formally celebrate all the looting that occurred during the Revolution?

Ba-steal Day.

#1351

After a century of secularisation, the central church, which had once seemed grand and magnificent, now merely appeared cathe-droll.

#1350

A: These models are way too thin to be healthy!

B: No, they're just elegaunt.

#1349

The stage manager knew that any backdrop could be created if she set her mind to it.

#1348

After living in Australia for years, Shelley's understanding of the nation's language could only be described as intimate.

#1347

"Not everything is black and white! I hate it when people put me into boxes."

For what seemed like the hundredth time, the ringmaster wondered why Rosy had signed up to be a goth magician's assistant.

#1346

What kind of cheese does the Mafia use to make cheesecake?

Crim cheese.

#1345

The police tried to recover the stolen segment of gold chain, but couldn't find the missing blingk.

#1344

What do you call a confused panda?

Bamboozled.

#1343

The clothes-mending software wouldn't work until the installation of a patch.

#1342

The Nutcracker is one of the most famous ballets of all time, and derives its name from the difficult and often painful choreography required of its male dancers.

#1341

Zeus was unimpressed by the newer deities; he felt that they were stealing his thunder.

#1340

The temporary bracing on the roof of the tunnel was currently enshoring the safety of its occupants.

#1339

The birds strutted around in an extravagant display of pigeontry.

#1338

The jeweller needed to adjust the breastpin, but had no idea how to brooch the subject.

#1337

Taco the cat could cough up furballs at will; he was widely considered to be an elite hacker.

#1336

A: Get your feet back or they might get run over.

B: Are you saying that this is a toe away zone?

A: You know what? Stretch your legs out. Make yourself comfortable.

#1335

What kind of document allows foreign citizens to cross rivers?

A bridging visa.

#1334

Did you hear about the literature major who became a builder?

He only worked on deconstruction sites.

#1333

What do you call the act of ridiculing an old-fashioned light source?

Lampooning.

#1332

Any other disability would have prevented Claude from dancing; luckily, he had a nightclub-foot.

#1331

Anna-Rose loved going on dates with soccer players; she knew that they would always foot the bill.

#1330

What do you call a box for carrying underwear?

A briefscase.

#1329

Most Baroque composers were known to be trill seekers.

#1328

What kind of marsupial can work as a debt collector?

A bill-by.

#1327

The tree, having experienced many adventures in its youth, was ready to embark upon a new stage of life.

#1326

By what process can people give birth on a ship?

Sea-section.

#1325

The leader of the suicide cult always bled by example.

#1324

Jerry was not very good at Jewish scripture study - in fact, he was Torah-ble.

#1323

What do you call a tower made of pastry?

A pie-lon.

#1322

Teacher: Use the word footprints in a sentence.

Student: The royal fetishist who tracked down Cinderella was a foot-prince.

#1321

Teacher: Use the word congested in a sentence.

Student: When a criminal has made a joke, you could say that the con jested.

#1320

Ruby reflected that it was difficult to make nameplates on such a tight badget.

#1319

The nameplate maker was asked to move out of the way, but wouldn't badge.

#1318

What do you call alcohol-induced anger?

Beve-rage.

#1317

After visiting salt lakes and spice markets, Steph considered herself to be a seasoned traveller.

#1316

A: I think his outfit needs a complete overhaul.

B: It's a business suit. Don't you think that overalls would be out of place?

#1315

While waiting for a more permanent space, the locksmith had set up a key-osk.

#1314

Eric the con always attempted his deceits twice - he was very re-lie-able.

#1313

The organ removal surgeon was very consistent; she always de-livered.

#1312

What do you call inexpensive oil?

Value-bricant.

#1311

The initial insertion of the drip was tricky, but it was all smooth saline from there.

#1310

What do you call the opening on a dandy gentleman's camera?

The dapperture.

#1309

What do you call a light-field camera that helps the user to strategise?

Planoptic.

#1308

What do you call heaven for gamblers?

Para-dice.

#1307

A: Is this plane going to change direction?

B: I'm banking on it.

#1306

The five-pointer looked unlikely, but the rugby player decided that it was worth a try.

#1305

The Australian footballer had a successful night at the gay bar - he scored a lot of behinds.

#1304

The basketball player refused to use lines or spears when fishing; as she put it, she aimed for "nothing but net".

#1303

What did the grenadier shout after eating a curry?

"Fire in the hole!"

#1302

How did the woman feel after having an orgasm?

As happy as a clam.

#1301

The dean felt that forcing people to complete extensive paperwork in order to demonstrate financial need was very poor form.

#1300

What kind of reptile repairs computer screens?

A monitor lizard.

#1299

What did the sail say to the boat?

"Sorry to be such a drag."

#1298

After the invention of large passenger aircrafts, the aviation industry really began to take off.

#1297

The dressmaker attempted stand-up comedy, hoping to have her audience in stitches; unfortunately, her jokes were only sew-sew.