#962

"I bought two thermometers, two rulers, and two weighing scales - just for good measure."

#961

A: Did you really order five hundred kilograms of bacon?

B: Come on, I'm sure we've all made rasher decisions.

#960

"I know that your skin condition is uncomfortable," said the doctor, "but don't make any rash decisions."

#959

Rachel felt that tall people blocking her view at the cinema was the height of bad manners.

#958

As an experienced devil, Eli knew that patience was key to his work - it would be unrealistic to expect people to sin on the first at-tempt.

#957

"I don't have time for my glands to function - I leave that to my secrete-ary."

#956

Judith rose quickly through the ranks of the male-dominated company; however, she was fired after an unfortunate mishap involving her and a now irreparable glass ceiling.

#955

What do you call an unidentified rodent?

Anonymouse.

#954

Perhaps it was his frustration with the scarce evidence, or perhaps it was his migraine, but that day, Jacob the prosecutor gave a particularly cross examination.

#953

What did the Marine shout as he knocked the glassware off each shelf?

"Crystal clear!"

#952

What kind of engineers are the most polite?

Civil engineers.

#951

The vegan hobbit's T-shirt read: "Meat is Mordor."

#950

The medical school exam assessors were accused of doctoring results.

#949

"Remember, children, don't run with scissors. You don't want to end up in Blade Runner."

#948

"I understand that you appreciate chess games with unusual promotions, but I think you're taking it a bit far, William."

Shakespeare's publisher was unimpressed with the first draft of Twelfth Knight.

#947

As the days ebbed away after Christmas, Teresa could not help but feel that she, and indeed the whole world, was headed in an Easterly direction.

#946

In which US state is it impossible to purchase a large soft drink?

Minisoda.

#945

The earliest disciples encountered Cheeses on the road to Em-mouse.

#944

"Stop looking at the salad! You'll dry it out!"

Gavin stood up, stunned. He had no idea that people could tell that he had been undressing it with his eyes.

#943

"Don't give into ticket inspectors," warned William, "they're just seeking validation."

#942

Which story of the creation of the world attributes it to asexual reproduction?

The Book of Parthenogenesis.

#941

After the explosions across the Strait of Hormuz, the entire region was en-Gulfed in flames.

#940

After the floods, the ancient stones of the fertility temple were as wet as a shag on a rock.

#939

The walls of Gerald's aquarium were constructed entirely out of crystal; he couldn't bear to see his exotic pets flopping around like fish out of Waterford.

#938

Teacher: Use the word feckless in a sentence.

Student: An Irish person who's not allowed to swear is feckless.

#937

A: Do you want to learn Filipino with us?

B: I suppose I might as well tag-alog.

#936

Those who try to run a nursery without any training are likely to crèche and burn.

#935

Depending on how you interpret the expression "winter is coming", you may never be able to enjoy snow.

#934

Why don't Jews have confession?

All the rabbis would be sin-agog.

#933

The stationery and ammunition store was having a sale on clips.

#932

It had been an emotional day for the woodcutter; he had never felled this way before.