#1296

Why is it fun to go adventures with kitchen burglars?

You know that they're whisk takers.

#1295

Glenys's "original" cake recipes were in fact stolen; she was secretly sponging off the work of others.

#1294

Normally, Declan wouldn't have complained about the head of a school, but this time he felt that it was a matter of principal.

#1293

A: How did she go on her final tests at the tennis academy?

B: She aced them.

#1292

What do you call the list of items on the syllabus of an Indian cookery school?

The curry-culum.

#1291

A: Is that high quality crayfish?

B: Naw, that shit cray.

#1290

A: Whenever I see a Nativity scene, I can't help but wonder what the angels are doing.

B: Just chilling in the crib, I suppose.

#1289

Why did the company sponsor elite tennis players?

They were guaranteed of strong returns.

#1288

After his service game failed, Bernard was a broken man.

#1287

Working as an assistant to the clumsy milliner, Tess had to be ready to tidy up at the drop of a hat.

#1286

A: How much does a typical amputation cost?

B: An arm and a leg.

#1285

The warden didn't appreciate the prisoners complaining about their food at his annual review; it would only add gruel to the fire.

#1284

Why did the wildcat have to continue with basketball even though he wanted to play tennis?

Because a leopard can't change his sports.

#1283

What do you call the period of heavy traffic that occurs when a large number of clients need to visit their gynaecologists?

Thrush hour.

#1282

When does traffic become irritating?

During pique hour.

#1281

Why did the parish hire a forger in response to the rival church's festival?

To produce a counterfête.

#1280

The gangster mechanic did most of his work in the hood.

#1279

A: Do you think we'll be late?

B: Not on my watch!

[A moment of silence.]

B: Because we'll check the time. On my wa-

A: I WILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH A CLOCK.

#1278

Lisa the tattooist dreamed of being a famous author; one day, she hoped to write a navel.

#1277

What do you call a story about guns composed of letters exchanged between the characters?

A pistolary novel.

#1276

"My dear Archimedes, you must stop running naked through the streets. Every time you discover something, Eureka lot of mayhem."

#1275

Christine didn't think too much about money; she spent it very cash-ually.

#1274

What did the tiger police officer say to the tipsy Bengal?

"You must be saber to drive."

#1273

What did the religious cheesemaker say when things got out of control?

"Jesus, take the wheel."

#1272

What do you call an enormous tumour?

A melon-oma.

#1271

What do you call the sadness experienced when a cantaloupe goes rotten?

Melon-coli.

#1270

The police sergeant gazed glumly at the illegal substances before him, then at his youngest charge, who was standing to attention next to the piles of leaves and beaming proudly. The sergeant sighed.

"I said I wanted potted plants for my office, Jackson. Not pot plants. Potted plants."

#1269

How do Spanish tennis associations raise money?

They hold a Rafa.

#1268

Teacher: Use the word detention in a sentence.

Student: When I feel stressed about the possibility that you might give me a bad grade, that's D-tension.

#1267

When do Australians make friends?

During the mating season.

#1266

Estonian artists are internationally considered to be quite Tallinnted.

#1265

A: I have the milk permeate in a portable container.

B: Whey to go!

#1264

Fergus tried to think of a gentle way to tell his girlfriend that her oral sex was too rough, but could find no way to soften the blow.

#1263

A: Have you looked at the geese yet?

B: Yes, I had a gander.

#1262

Alex hated the Vietnamese capital - he found it very Hanoi-ing.

#1261

In what kind of coffin was the Russian emperor buried?

A tsarcophagus.

#1260

What do you call the sound made by ancient Egyptian paper in the wind?

Papyrustling.

#1259

What do you call a wandering dwarf?

A gnomad.

#1258

The rebellious crop farmer was known for going against the grain.

#1257

A: I've become an expert on Asian politics. Ask me anything.

B: Do you know who was the President of Indonesia from 2004 to 2014?

A: Yudhoyono.

B: No, I do know, I'm asking whether you do.

#1256

A: I wish I could style my hair like that.

B: Don't be gel-ous.

#1255

"Yes, I know I forgot the gold coating! I don't need your gilt trip."

#1254

"Back off or I'll knock your block off!"

The mobster's babysitter smiled wearily.

"That's not how we share our Lego, is it, Danny?"

#1253

The sailor's desire to wed his clock was forbidden under marry-time law.

#1252

The two metalworkers, denied permission to marry from their families, had decided to steel away into the night.

#1251

Verity wondered whether she had become more distant from her family after switching to bath sponges; perhaps returning to natural exfoliation would make her less aloofah.

#1250

In which European capital is a river blocked with rodents?

Hamsterdam.

#1249

What song did Bon Jovi write after a holiday in Walnut Grove?

Livin' On A Prairie

#1248

The donkey's comments were considered very bray-zen.

#1247

The roof salesman was very good at ceiling the deal.

#1246

The cobblers had worked together in the same shop for years - they saw each other as sole mates.

#1245

Helen easily found a job restoring cars - she had an eye for detail.

#1244

The general looked at the diagram of the territory, filled with every kind of wagon, and sighed. Clearly, her staff had not understood the meaning of cartographer.

#1243

The tanning instructor was known as a hard bask-master.

#1242

"All who wish to follow me must abandon their hives of honey! Such is the sacrifice required to become a bee-leaver."

#1241

What do you call the followers of a spiritual leader who are responsible for insulting other religions?

Diss-iples.

#1240

What do you call someone who's crying because they're not transgendered?

A cissy.

#1239

Where does the government of the Philippines store its documents?

In Manila folders.

#1238

A: Are you serious about the baby goats?

B: No, I'm just kidding.

#1237

The filmmaker avoided Vine; she felt that it was easy pickings.

#1236

What did the police officer say when subduing an offender?

"Cop that!"

#1235

What did the antivirus software developer say to the malware?

"Norton my watch!"

#1234

Everyone at the theatre company was amped to meet the new sound engineer.

#1233

The chef was deeply moved by the honour of representing her country, and provided a stirring rendition of the anthem.

#1232

After losing his tongue, the animator was rendered speechless.

#1231

What did the soldier say when accused of having unoriginal shooting methods?

"Mimicry is the highest form of battery."

#1230

The anarchist sous-chef was always trying to stir up trouble.

#1229

A: I can't find any good recipes to use all these eggs and speck.

B: Maybe you should lower your egg-speck-tations.

#1228

A: The kangaroo keeps hitting its head on the roof of its new enclosure.

B: Well, that was bound to happen.

#1227

What do junkie pastry chefs do in their spare time?

Get baked.

#1226

The dog sat patiently under the sweet syrup, hoping that some would eventually treacle down to him.

#1225

I wanted to make a pun about painting, but I'm afraid that those kinds of jokes don't come easelly to me.

#1224

Bricklayers don't get drunk; they get plastered.

#1223

How did Sebastian the crab get satellite television reception?

He used an Ariel.

#1222

The wafer factory faced its greatest challenge yet; truly, it was crunch time.

#1221

When placed under scrutiny, the self-loathing coffee maker couldn't stand his own ground.

#1220

The other fundamental forces found gravity condescending; they didn't appreciate its top-down manner.

#1219

What do you call a portable sleeping bag?

A napsack.

#1218

A: Do you think I should get a dual-boot computer?

B: No way! That sounds like utter chaOS.

#1217

What happened to the computer programmer who developed a cough?

She became a hacker.

#1216

What do you call the act of killing someone with fermented fruit juice?

Homi-cider.

#1215

Where do seabirds invest their money?

In an alba-trust fund.

#1214

What Chinese-Greek crossover myth tells the story of the most beautiful long-legged bird in the world?

Heron of Troy.

#1213

A: Do you think two people are more likely to date if they take the same classes?

B: Only if they have chemistry together.

#1212

The unwitting statistician found the average without meaning to do so.

#1211

On what machine do angry people exercise?

A cross trainer.

#1210

The priest had become adept at nearly all aspects of fishing; yet, he still refused to master bait.

#1209

What do advertisers and electricians have in common?

They're both good at plugging things.

#1208

The comedian always kept her appointments; she would never stand up a date.

#1207

The incompetent fisherman was even worse in finance - he struggled to keep a float.

#1206

What is the favourite mathematical concept of dressmakers?

Tailor polynomials.

#1205

What do you call it when rappers murder their close friends?

Homie-cide.

#1204

What kind of dog is also a green vegetable?

A broc-collie.

#1203

Which country is responsible for most of the world's spam?

Botswana.

#1202

A: I need you to find the screwdriver.

B: Is this it?

A: That's the ticket.

B: Oh. I thought it was a screwdriver. I'll keep looking.

#1201

What do you call a female masseur?

"M'lady."

#1200

The junior sergeant, frustrated at missing out on yet another promotion, rankled with rage.

#1199

The oyster fisher liked to live life on the dredge.

#1198

Where do ironers address the media?

At a press conference.

#1197

What is the favourite dish of Greek mechanics?

Spanner-kopita.

#1196

What does a farmer use to wake up on time?

An alarm cock.

#1195

Romanian universities are growing increasingly concerned about a prevalence of Vlad culture.

#1194

After being bribed by dessert manufacturers, the nutritional values authority had a tendency to fudge their results.

#1193

After an argument, many couples like to reconcile by imagining minor religious denominations together. Some claim that fighting is worth it for the make-up-sects.

#1192

The cinema manager's psychological issues revolved around her habit of projecting.

#1191

The toymaker considered building some plush toys, but eventually decided that he couldn't be stuffed.

#1190

What's the worst punishment for someone who hates card games?

Solitaire confinement.

#1189

Which rapper was famous for only showing off one third of his abs?

Tupac.

#1188

What did the snake charmer say in Nicki Minaj's bakery?

"My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns."

#1187

The manicurist's accounts were organised in a meticulous filing system.

#1186

"I value your input."

Regina's partner had asked her to be more vocal during sex.

#1185

The mildly famous army recruiter was an N-list celebrity.

#1184

Katia had never intended to be a secret agent; her curious nature had simply spy-ralled out of control.

#1183

"Do you think the blind guy was the murderer? I'm not certain of it, it's just a stab in the dark."

#1182

How do couples get back together after breaking up?

They re-pair their relationship.

#1181

A: There's been a kidnapping in the land of Hyrule!

B: Oh no! We must find the missing Link!

#1180

"Aha! We shall never need chickens again!"

Hillary had not quite grasped the concept of eggplants.

#1179

The necrophiliac was happy to eat the overcooked rejects from the pie shop; after all, she was used to having crusty things in her mouth.

#1178

Applause was forbidden at the sexual health conference, for fear of spreading the clap.

#1177

The anarchistic fence-builder railed against the system.

#1176

The thrill-seeking painter enjoyed many a brush with danger.

#1175

What style of music is most popular among the homeless?

Ragtime.

#1174

Teacher: Use the word profile in a sentence.

Student: Someone who is in favour of organising paperwork can be described as profile.

#1173

What can be found at the start of a book about golf?

A foreword.

#1172

What does a fast food angel use to fly?

Onion wings.

#1171

Ironically, the rotational therapist was unable to convince the public of his merit without the help of a spin doctor.

#1170

The clumsy label maker had a habit of name dropping.

#1169

Janet appreciated the new pulley system; it had really taken a load off her shoulders.

#1168

The butcher was proud of his produce, and always packaged it in elegant wooden boxes; some were suspicious when they saw him casing a joint.

#1167

What do you call the process of filling an area with distinguished gentlemen?

Gent-rification.

#1166

Seamstresses know a lot about threading; mainly because they know a lot about screwing.

#1165

What did the tennis player do at her legal trial?

Hold court.

#1164

After calls to make the building accessible to wheelchairs fell on deaf ears, advocates ramped up their efforts.

#1163

Corinne knew that wearing sandals would lead to wearing flip-flops; it was a slippery slope.

#1162

"Leopard, not leper! I said I wanted a leopard skin dress!"

#1161

Which English city was named after its horseback undertakers?

Canterbury.

#1160

When war arrived, Quasimodo proved to be quite bell-igerent.

#1159

What do you call the due date for an assassination?

A deadline.

#1158

Despite positive responses from critics, 30 Rock was something of a ratings Fey-lure.

#1157

Her phobia of doors persisted; she just couldn't handle them.

#1156

I hate flashers. They think that they have the right to go around exposing themselves willy-nilly.

#1155

Being upgraded from the last car of the train was a welcome ca-boost.

#1154

What's the difference between a pilot and a geometer?

A pilot flies planes; a geometer thinks planes are fly.

#1153

The marine carnivore was ever diligent; it could never be accused of sharking its duty.

#1152

What do you call a sniper on cocaine?

A crack shot.

#1151

What do you call a bathroom break scheduled after the consumption of Asian food?

A Thai gap.

#1150

What is the best time to withdraw money?

8am.

#1149

He had led an easy life in the flatlands, and had grown accustomed to expecting everything handed to him on a plateau.

#1148

What sound did the crashing plane make as it bounced?

Boeing

#1147

People who grow up in a gap between mountains live in constant need of valley-dation.

#1146

What do you call an equine vet who manipulates the skeleton and muscles of their patients?

A horse-teopath.

#1145

What do you call a metropolis full of daring people?

An auda-city.

#1144

The young sheep was a skillful chess player; at three months, it had already developed several opening lambits.

#1143

The pop star's decision to shave her head was widely regarded as a bald move.

#1142

Where does the pope go sailing?

The Holy Sea.

#1141

In what direction does a hen move when running away from a rooster?

Anticockwise.

#1140

How big is St Peter's Basilica?

Mass-ive.

#1139

What bone disease is most common in Vienna?

Austria-porosis.

#1138

What do watchmakers do at the end of a working day?

Clock off.

#1137

A: Have you seen the news? A hundred people have been shipwrecked off the west coast of Africa!

B: Oh no! You mean they were Ca-marooned?

#1136

What kind of bandages are most commonly used in Palestinian hospitals?

Gauze-a strips.

#1135

How did the enthusiastic meteorologist describe the wind?

With great gusto.

#1134

After her actors broke the fence a third time, the director felt the need to castigate them.

#1133

As the approaching crowd roughly gathered itself to a standstill, she became aware of hundreds of pairs of eyes sweeping over the whole scene, pausing in realisation, moving their focus to her, and boring in like the drills that had started this whole mess. She stepped backwards and her foot hit a pebble. As she clearly heard the tiny stone shifting less than an inch against the sand, she became aware of the silence, suddenly and frighteningly. She slowly turned her head and glanced behind her to see the clothes rack balanced on the edge of the precipice.

The author enjoyed concluding chapters with cliffhangers.

#1132

What do you call a smashed bottle of wine?

Shard-onnay.

#1131

What is the traditional motto of fishermen?

Carp-e diem

#1130

What type of fish run underwater hospitals?

General sturgeons.

#1129

What did the anarchist plumber do?

Fight the cistern.

#1128

Installing the prank staircase made Elsha buoyantly merry; for the rest of the day, there was a spring in her step.

#1127

A: Do you think the titanium will stay in place?

B: Of course. Otherwise it would be called loose-anium.

#1126

How can you tell when a computer is angry?

It's spitting chips.

#1125

How does one grow a religion?

Through careful cult-ivation.

#1124

What grows on the tree of exaggeration?

Hyperboleaves.

#1123

A: She's remarkably insightful.

B: Of course she is! She's pregnant.

A: What do you mean?

B: Many a truth spoken in gestation.

#1122

What do you call someone who designs religious headwear?

A turban planner.

#1121

What did the gangster rapper say when his rented copy of The Raven was due to be returned?

"Fuck the Poe-lease!"

#1120

Which armed wing of the Nazi Party consisted mainly of flat sweets?

The Waffle-SS.

#1119

Matilda passed her art history exam on Jackson Pollock with flying colours.

#1118

The page three editor stared at the image of the model in her grandfather clock patterned bra.

"I said pendulous breasts! Not pendulums! Pendulous!"

#1117

As the hearing impaired conference gathered, the US Armed Forces were on their highest alert ever. This was Deaf-Con 1.

#1116

How do birds keep fit?

Beak-ram yoga.

#1115

The radical feminists' meetings were largely disorganised, demonstrating the difficulties of an agendaless society.

#1114

In winter, the brothel grounds were covered in hoarfrost.

#1113

The castle architect disagreed with the proposed trench of water surrounding her design, and dismissed it as a moat point.

#1112

The mollusc pickers frequently worked in clammy weather.

#1111

The Siberian phone network provider's office gave Olga a characteristically frosty reception.

#1110

As the extraterrestrials floated away in their now tattered and heavily shelled pod, a voice could be heard:

"We come in peace, Zorblav! Not like peas! In peace!"

#1109

What kind of racism is directed towards Asians who have achieved inner peace?

Zenophobia.

#1108

Hana was happy to stay in the supposedly haunted castle; to her, ghosts were immaterial.

#1107

A: Looking at his diary, police found that he had been thinking about setting himself on fire for months.

B: Well, better self-immolate than never.

#1106

He was ultimately rejected due to his incapacity to dress formally; in summary, the company thought him unsuitable.

#1105

The amateur filmmaker was kicked out of the bungee jumping club after one too many fatal jump cuts.

#1104

What do you call ham that is cooking in an oven?

Bakin'.

#1103

Sergeant Chisholm surveyed the carnage on the street. Clearly, the offender had misunderstood the meaning of "blood drive".

#1102

Pit crews have a very tiring job.

#1101

Publishing expletives, even with letters replaced with symbols, is always an aste-risk.

#1100

Once the animated gray tabby cat ventured into political subject matter, it became known for Pusheen the boundaries.

#1099

The Chinese conservationists were accused of excessively pandaring to animals.

#1098

The blocks made of four squares each spelled a tetrominous message.

#1097

After the second oil spill, Mobil Corp could not be exxonerated.

#1096

Guy squinted out at the paddock and frowned. The livestock thieves were really beginning to get his goat.

#1095

Although they constitute modern repertoire, Phillip's works typically require Glassical training.

#1094

The Catholic admiral felt bound to obey cannon law.

#1093

As creative predators, eagles are very talonted.

#1092

A: Have you ever thought about being a parent?

B: Yes, I want to have a daughter.

A: That's specific.

B: And call her Hope.

A: That's beautiful!

B: And make her immortal.

A: What?

B: And get her a pogo stick.

A: No no no no don't say-

B: Hope springs eternal!

#1091

Which ice cream flavour is most common among silverfish?

Manila.

#1090

The logician maintained an ergo-nomic working environment.

#1089

Once the first batch of towers to support electric cables fit easily onto the ship, the captain decided to pylon more.

#1088

What kind of swimming can be done while asleep?

Snore-kelling.

#1087

"Are you sure you can sing today, Elsa? You sound really congested."

"I'll be fine. Having a cold never bothered me anyway."

#1086

Liam originally didn't want to be photographed nude, but he soon figured that he could use the exposure.

#1085

The whole world is one great poem; that's why it's called the universe.

#1084

Even when crowds turned against him, Tiger Woods always knew that his mistresses were rooting for him.

#1083

"He's not a real digital infiltrator; he's just a hack."

#1082

After a long day on colander duty, Xiaoping felt drained.

#1081

Kingsley's dedication to his gym workouts was abmirable.

#1080

I would make a joke about wild pork, but I wouldn't want to boar you.

#1079

What piece of music is played when a social network closes down?

The Last Post.

#1078

A: Did you get a good look at the mountain?

B: I only caught a quick peak.

#1077

The annoyed Christian made a gesture that is universally recognised as the sign of the cross.

#1076

By what process are papers judged by myopic academics?

Peer review.

#1075

Given that he was working in the mail room, it was hardly surprising that Brian had become the company's poster boy.

#1074

What kind of ant doesn't obey easily?

A defy-ant.

#1073

What do you call slow-shutter footage of a watchmaker running around a track?

Time laps.

#1072

Jamie tried to design a better bucket than his rival's creation, but all his efforts pailed in comparison.

#1071

The sassy tree was always throwing shade.

#1070

What do you call a male escort who is paid to laugh?

A giggle-o.

#1069

Tristan's party trick depended on the presence of fizz in the soda - now that it had sat out for so long, all his attempts fell flat.

#1068

The new budget was thought to be unreasonable by all accounts.

#1067

What did Darth Vader say to the victims of his newest weapon?

"I find your lack of face disturbing."

#1066

His courage boosted by the drink, he proceeded to make a spirited effort.

#1065

Sinead's endurance training didn't help her in the sprints, but she knew that it would be worth it in the long run.

#1064

Upon making his first sword, the apprentice blacksmith paused to sabre the moment.

#1063

Unable to fill the enclosure with their individual supplies of water, the friends decided to pool their resources.

#1062

Learning about cassic acid is a most cathartic experience.

#1061

For the journalist, the task of writing a full-length story was a novel challenge.

#1060

The LEGO designer was struggling. She had hit a creative block.

#1059

Where do fishermen stand to make a speech?

On a dace.

#1058

What did Doge say upon encountering a labyrinth?

"Amaze."

#1057

A: Did the French people say bye?

B: No, they left without further adieu.

#1056

Pascal was overjoyed to be promoted to Corporal; he was no longer at risk of Legionnaire's disease.

#1055

What do you call it when a mollusc takes a picture of itself?

A shellfie.

#1054

What do you call a courageous parrot that is capable of bonding with many others?

Polly-valiant.

#1053

What is the ideal clothing to be worn while consuming hot beverages?

A tea-shirt.

#1052

The furniture designers were proud of their progress. They had come sofa.

#1051

What do market vendors do when they're reluctant to set up their shops?

Stall.

#1050

Why is juvenile diabetes the easiest medical specialisation?

It's like taking candy from a baby.

#1049

Which composer wrote music which attracts fish?

Bait-oven.

#1048

What did the potato say to the other potato that was going on a voyage?

"Godspud."

#1047

The label-making colleagues were renowned for their skill as a tag team.

#1046

A: I could kill for some chickpea dip.

B: I didn't know that you had hommus-cidal tendencies.

#1045

In hindsight, everyone agreed that it had been an unwise decision to end the International Epileptics Conference with a fireworks display.

#1044

After delving into the bucket of worms, finding them unsatisfactory, and leaping out again, the fisherman's cat watched proceedings with baited breath.

#1043

As the laundry attendant and the pastry chef were dealt their cards, the crowd watched with bated breath, eager to see who would fold first.

#1042

Why do police officers make good percussionists?

Because they're always on the beat.

#1041

What kind of psychic predicts the future from tropical trees?

A palm reader.

#1040

Hyman the butcher had never heard of the expression, but nonetheless he couldn't comprehend why everyone seemed so unenthusiastic about tonight's "sausage party".

#1039

A: Do you always want a quilt at night during winter?

B: I'm afraid I can't answer that. I try to avoid blanket statements.

#1038

As a beginner skier, Madison struggled with the steep learning curve.

#1037

In desperate times, a stockbroker will hold down the Shift key in order to raise capital.

#1036

It had been a long day for the alcoholic nymphomaniac. She was going to need a stiff one.

#1035

How did the asthmatic feel at the church service?

Incensed.

#1034

Young architects often look at the design of grand cathedrals and a-spire to such greatness.

#1033

A: I hate the way that magazines solve all beauty problems with "starve yourself".

B: Well, if you don't like the colour of your hair, it would probably help to diet.

#1032

My biological mother identified as a man. I admired his openness - he was always transparent.

#1031

Where are French sweets traditionally burned?

On a bonbonfire.

#1030

What do you call an adult female clay pigeon?

A bricklayer.

#1029

The swipe card system functioned well at some times but failed at others; overall, it was touch and go.

#1028

Teacher: Use the word disable in a sentence.

Student: The slaves thought, dis-Abe'll set us free.

#1027

Cain had had enough of his brother's Abelist privilege.

#1026

"I hate fairies," said Marty.

He wasn't homophobic. He was just a very racist pixie.

#1025

What did Mr Miyagi say in the beauty salon?

"Wax on, wax off."

#1024

The ancient religion, much like its adherents, could be destroyed by a blow to the temple.

#1023

After negotiations failed, the florists resorted to violets.

#1022

The head seamstress surveyed the trainee's work and sighed.

"If all you can make with a sewing machine is large rectangles of cloth, then I'm afraid it's curtains for you, my dear."

#1021

Which North American natural feature is said to cure erectile dysfunction?

Viagra Falls.

#1020

The heating repair technician had nowhere to vent her frustration.

#1019

The canine church had a meeting to discuss matters of dogma.

#1018

Which dance is traditionally performed on hot coals?

The char-char.

#1017

Why did the impulsive person see a dermatologist?

To cure her of her rash decisions.

#1016

At first, the turtle had been shy and reluctant, but over the last week it had really come out of its shell.

#1015

If these walls could speak, they would have many storeys to tell.

#1014

Since becoming an acrobat, the actor had grown more and more uncomfortable with the regular exhortation to break a leg.

#1013

The hospital was painted with runes to ward off evil spirits.

#1012

The displaced soccer club's request to host a game was dismissed on the basis that they had no grounds for their claim.

#1011

A: I was just typing when I suddenly lost all sensation in my fingers. Do you know what's happening?

B: Yes, that would be the Numb Lock.

#1010

What did Admiral Ackbar cry when he saw the canvas sheet?

"It's a tarp!"

#1009

Angelo longed for the first violin part; he was tired of playing second fiddle.

#1008

A: I think I have hives, whom should I call?

B: Depending on the variety, a doctor or a beekeeper.

#1007

A: I just know that something is afoot.

B: The thing at the base of your leg with five toes. That's a foot. You know this.

#1006

A: Do you like electronic dance mats?

B: I'm just not sure of where I stand on them.

#1005

What kind of animal designs small plastic emblems that can be pinned onto clothing?

Badgers.

#1004

The interior designer gave up suites for Lent.

#1003

How do you see what's happening in an anti-Russia riot?

Ukraine your neck.

#1002

A: You really upset me! Didn't you see me crying?

B: Upset? I thought you were having a wail of a time.

#1001

The demons joined forces in an unprecedented sin-ergy.

#1000

Sherlock rounded the corner and stumbled to a halt. There was nobody in sight. His eyes pierced the shadows and swept every stone as his flashlight traced the length of the alley, only to find a silent dead end, and the crushingly heavy realisation of another failed pursuit. As he heaved in gulps of air, he noticed a small piece of paper lying on a cobble. Trembling with familiar dread, he bent down and held it up to the meagre beam of light dribbling out of a weary old street lamp. PERMISSION TO ATTEND, it read, in neatly printed black letters, infuriatingly identical to the other three notes.

Sherlock crumpled the paper with an angry fist. Once again, the suspect had given him the slip.

#999

Making durable formal wear was not the tailor's strong suit.

#998

Which soldiers are responsible for opening abscesses?

Lance Corporals.

#997

"I don't care where the deer start running, as long as you understand that the buck stops here."

#996

Pat couldn't fit into the Lycra jumpsuit, not by any stretch of the imagination or fabric.

#995

"I'm not saying that that insect is in my personal space. I'm just saying that it's beginning to enc-roach."

#994

Having been stripped of its fur, the enormous beast, once magnificent, was now threadbear.

#993

Which Charles Dickens novel tells the story of a slanting building?

Oblique House.

#992

Anastasia was used to ordered sets of items; now, in their absence, she was listless.

#991

Learning about photons is a most illuminating experience.

#990

The DJ gazed at his old nemesis, his face sliding into a bitter smile. He paused to consider how long he had waited for this moment, and the answer made him decide that he should savour it. He slowly inhaled, absorbing the aroma of defeat, and began to speak.

"My, my, my. How the tables have turned."

#989

What do you call a movable harbour?

Portable.

#988

"I have rabbits. Wanna see?"

Daniel glowered at the man who had uttered these words, and glumly wondered why people were so reluctant when he used the same line about his pets. Some day, he thought, someone would take an interest in his crabs.

#987

A: Do you like my felt hat?

B: Yes, it's fedorable.

#986

A: You should go. It's high time that you got some culture in you.

B: Couldn't I just eat some yoghurt?

#985

A: I don't understand why people are so biased against amputees.

B: Neither do I. I'm stumped.

#984

What happened when Neil Patrick Harris drank a tonne of milk?

It was legen-dairy.

#983

"Do you go by any other names, Agent H20?"

"They call me Bond. Covalent Bond."

#982

A: They only do one yoga class at the same time every week.

B: Really? I would have expected a yoga class to be more flexible.

#981

The water surrounding every castle in the area had become a distinctive moatif.

#980

A: I think that bicycles should have as many lanes as cars.

B: Stop peddling such nonsense.

#979

A: Did it shrink in the wash?

B: No, it shrank while being ironed - during the de-creasing process.

#978

Why did the painter struggle with pronunciation?

He had a cleft palette.

#977

"You seem to be unaware of some of the basics of Marxism. Have you been skipping classes?"

#976

The vendetta between the manufacturers of running shoes was laced with intrigue.

#975

"Potted, not pot. I said you could have a potted plant on your desk."

Senior Constable Mathieson was beginning to have concerns about the calibre of some of the new recruits.

#974

The disdainful glutton scoffed at the very notion, and also the pies.

#973

Which rodents belonged to the Nazi party's inner circle?

Gerbils.

#972

"But t'is is t'e only way I know to speak."

George the Third reflected that employing this man as a herald had not been the best marketing choice.

#971

Where do closeted chiropractors go hiking?

Brokeback Mountain.

#970

Confusing Chewbacca with Jar Jar Binks is a wookiee error.

#969

The marsupials outsmarted the humans with a cunning roos.

#968

At the top of the food chain, of course, sits the macaroni necklace.

#967

The cobbler was impressed by the acrobat's tremendous feat.

#966

In chess, choosing to castle early is a rookie mistake.

#965

A: Idaho -

B: Don't say that - I would never consider you a whore.

#964

All eagles can catch prey, but Toby was particularly talonted.

#963

A: Honesty, loyalty, generosity - you just can' buy them.

B: Yeah, you can't get value for money.

#962

"I bought two thermometers, two rulers, and two weighing scales - just for good measure."

#961

A: Did you really order five hundred kilograms of bacon?

B: Come on, I'm sure we've all made rasher decisions.

#960

"I know that your skin condition is uncomfortable," said the doctor, "but don't make any rash decisions."

#959

Rachel felt that tall people blocking her view at the cinema was the height of bad manners.

#958

As an experienced devil, Eli knew that patience was key to his work - it would be unrealistic to expect people to sin on the first at-tempt.

#957

"I don't have time for my glands to function - I leave that to my secrete-ary."

#956

Judith rose quickly through the ranks of the male-dominated company; however, she was fired after an unfortunate mishap involving her and a now irreparable glass ceiling.

#955

What do you call an unidentified rodent?

Anonymouse.

#954

Perhaps it was his frustration with the scarce evidence, or perhaps it was his migraine, but that day, Jacob the prosecutor gave a particularly cross examination.

#953

What did the Marine shout as he knocked the glassware off each shelf?

"Crystal clear!"

#952

What kind of engineers are the most polite?

Civil engineers.

#951

The vegan hobbit's T-shirt read: "Meat is Mordor."

#950

The medical school exam assessors were accused of doctoring results.

#949

"Remember, children, don't run with scissors. You don't want to end up in Blade Runner."

#948

"I understand that you appreciate chess games with unusual promotions, but I think you're taking it a bit far, William."

Shakespeare's publisher was unimpressed with the first draft of Twelfth Knight.

#947

As the days ebbed away after Christmas, Teresa could not help but feel that she, and indeed the whole world, was headed in an Easterly direction.

#946

In which US state is it impossible to purchase a large soft drink?

Minisoda.

#945

The earliest disciples encountered Cheeses on the road to Em-mouse.

#944

"Stop looking at the salad! You'll dry it out!"

Gavin stood up, stunned. He had no idea that people could tell that he had been undressing it with his eyes.

#943

"Don't give into ticket inspectors," warned William, "they're just seeking validation."

#942

Which story of the creation of the world attributes it to asexual reproduction?

The Book of Parthenogenesis.

#941

After the explosions across the Strait of Hormuz, the entire region was en-Gulfed in flames.

#940

After the floods, the ancient stones of the fertility temple were as wet as a shag on a rock.

#939

The walls of Gerald's aquarium were constructed entirely out of crystal; he couldn't bear to see his exotic pets flopping around like fish out of Waterford.

#938

Teacher: Use the word feckless in a sentence.

Student: An Irish person who's not allowed to swear is feckless.

#937

A: Do you want to learn Filipino with us?

B: I suppose I might as well tag-alog.

#936

Those who try to run a nursery without any training are likely to crèche and burn.

#935

Depending on how you interpret the expression "winter is coming", you may never be able to enjoy snow.

#934

Why don't Jews have confession?

All the rabbis would be sin-agog.

#933

The stationery and ammunition store was having a sale on clips.

#932

It had been an emotional day for the woodcutter; he had never felled this way before.