#870

"Mr Pell, do you have a motto?"

"Oh, yes, Doctor. Sharing is caring. That's my life motto."

"Because I have your test results, Mr Pell. You have syphilis."

#869

Vincent van Gogh found the ghostly apparition earily familiar.

#868

Which famous building is the most popular spot for suicides?

The I-fell Tower.

#867

"I swear, Skrillex, if you do that one more time, you'll be out of the choir! You shouldn't even be trying to pick up the bass, let alone dropping him!"

#866

In the past, Iulia had found it hard to keep track of medieval Japanese military nobility, but this presentation had neatly Samuraised it for her.

#865

Adrian, an avid Dominion player, switched from Facebook to Google's social network in the hope of some plus action.

#864

"Please," begged the Mediterranean baker, "take pita on me!"

#863

A A Milne's first attempts at selling his work to publishers were met with much pooh-poohing.

#862

Analysing syllable emphasis is a very stressful task.

#861

What do you call a homeless person upon whom people are jumping?

A trampoline.

#860

The princess, ever a photography enthusiast, kissed the frog, hoping it would turn into some handsome prints.

#859

A: People can still walk around for several hours after losing their intestines.

B: That would be a gutless wander.

#858

A: Have you seen the headlines? The psychiatric hospital has been secretly being electrocuting patients.

B: Oh no! That's shocking news!

#857

Kurt felt offended by the association; his replies were always polite, gentle, and elaborate.

#856

"I'll have some of the liquid remaining after curdling and straining milk."

"Eat in or take a-whey?"

#855

Which Eastern European country is named for its impressive fungal growths?

Mouldova.

#854

Having her trip diverted to a county in South West England made Suzy Bristol with rage.

#853

The barber decided to have a discounted happy hour. He called it Daylight Shaving Time.

#852

Which Dickens novel told the story of a backpacker who was torn between comfortable sofas in different houses?

A Tale of Two Settees.

#851

What's metal, has four prongs, and probably won't understand this joke?

A fork.

#850

Why did the lawyer buy a scratching post?

To sharpen his clause.

#849

James the hunter knew that his upper body strength was insufficient; he was going to have to lift his game.

#848

What can be found in the kitchen of an Indian convent?

Lots of naan.

#847

A: Two of the people I've invited are pansexual. Do you know what that means?

B: Not exactly, but I'm not letting them near my kitchen.

#846

What is the favourite cocktail of Hawaiian evangelical Christians?

Sects on the Beach.

#845

What kind of cheese tastes like Italian bacon when cooked?

Pan-cheddar.

#844

After two years of downsizing departments, Apple is still mourning the loss of Jobs.

#843

In his youth, the butterfly had been a cater-pillar of the community.

#842

What do you call a sad piece of intestinal bacteria?

Melan-coli.

#841

The government of the United States of America has been shut down temporarily; this is known as a Cong-rest.

#840

The incision was precise; it revealed exactly what he wanted to see. "Gland ahoy," cried the ship's surgeon.

The first mate was seasick for the first time in her life, and, despite being under anaesthetic, the patient winced.